Next installment of as we tried to heal series! This one is particularly hard to write for me, I know I was kind of projecting in some part. That's why please read with cautions!
Betaed by SunMagic264. Check her stuffs too! No regret people.
So (Happy) Reading.
The cursed fire that surrounding the amphitheatre felt sinister, it sent chills to his bones. The instinct inside him screamed for him to run but he couldn't. His feet were frozen in place as the same scene once more played in front of his eyes. He saw Leta was there, he should run to her, pull her away and yet, he couldn't.
Theseus tried to move, desperate to reach her, trying to summon all of his willpower and strength but nothing could make his legs move. He stayed rooted in the same spot as if being glued by an invisible force. He cried out her name but he got no response. All he could do was watch helplessly as the scene played out once more, knowing he had no power to change what was about to happen.
She said it again. I love you.
He screamed back, I love you too.
This time around as she dusted away as the fire engulfed her. It felt like cold water washed over him as Leta's voice drifted in his ears, uttering the single sentence he couldn't bear to hear.
You couldn't save me, it's your fault.
Theseus gasped awake, rolling off the side of the bed in a panicked and disoriented haze. He could feel the cold sweat running on his skin, hear his heart beating rapidly on his ears and the harsh breaths he couldn't stop. The sheets tangled on his body as he laid on his side on the floor, trying to regain control of his breathing.
He knew it was only a nightmare, but he couldn't help but find himself believing the words that the Leta from his nightmare told him over, and over again. It was his fault. Why hadn't he saved her? All it would have taken was him grabbing her and pulling her from the cursed fire. Why didn't he do more to stop her from dying? He was the Auror, not her. He wanted to be an Auror because he wanted to protect the people he loved, but ultimately instead he had lost the woman he loved the most.
Why was he still alive when she was dead?
He turned around so he could lay at his back, his eyes stared at the ceiling blankly; he was just so tired. The ceiling became blurry as tears slowly filled up his eyes, squeezing them shut in an attempt to stop, but the tears slipped through his eyelids and slid down to his face. His tears kept falling faster as he let himself being drowned by the sadness that overwhelmed his very being.
Theseus pressed his palm to his eyes, trying his best to hold the tears back but to no avail, but despairing more as they fell harder. He tried. He had tried so much to keep living, just like he did after the war but the pain of losing her just hurt too much. Sometimes it was even a struggle to keep wanting to live without her. Pain and grief became his constant companions again after the events in Paris. He knew the pain well from the war but nothing could have prepared him for what he felt after Leta's death.
Guilt and Loneliness.
It was not the first time he felt these emotions, but now they were completely overwhelming; a prominent feature in his daily life. Like a painful reminder that Leta was no longer anywhere in this world and he was the cause of it.
Since he met her, the nightmares after the war had slowly subsided. Her presence helped to ground him, like an anchor.
Before her and after the war, it had been a hard time for Theseus. He barely slept and sometimes he had to resort to taking a sleeping draught. He ran mostly off of coffee and liquor, which he knew wasn't good for him but he didn't really care. He was not living, just alive. He focused on his job and Newt. Those things were what grounded him, kept him sane when the demons in his mind whispered of the sweet promise of peace in death.
Theseus knew, or at least his logical side knew, that death was not an option. But when he was left alone with his thoughts, the demons whispered to him to pick their side, that to living wouldn't give him peacefulness he craved. It scared him because he had almost accepted their offer once, the promise of loving and protecting his little brother when Newt was born, being the only thing that keeps him from doing it.
Just when everything in his life and in his own head really started to overwhelm him, Leta entered his life. All he had known about her at first was from the correspondence Newt and himself had. But Leta was fascinating and he couldn't help but feel a pull of curiosity toward.
Just like thunder, she came into his life with surprise. She was intense, elegant and unapologetic about herself. Despite the rumours that surrounded her, she kept her chin and continually looked forward. She was also kind and unexpectedly gentle. When they had become friends he could tell that everything he had heard about was nothing but a rumour, caused by witches and wizards who had been scared because of her family's name. It was completely unfair. They judged her without knowing her.
Leta helped him, someone who was merely existing, to begin living once again. When he heard her laughing, or saw her smile, it made him so happy, because he knew he was the one who made her do so.
She also gave him something that no one could ever give to him; a person to confide in.
Leta could always read him. When the two of them would lock eyes, she would look at him with such concern that Theseus thought he could feel across the room. The fact that he knew she would never be dismissive of his fears or the demon he kept inside him made it so much easier to tell her when she finally asked about the nightmares. She listened to him as he told her his stores; words rolling out from his mouth easier than he thought possible. When he finished, he hadn't wanted to look her, fearing she would get up and walk away or never speak to him again. He had chanced a look and his fear was washed away the instant their eyes met. There was no pity in her eyes, only understanding.
He always had become what everyone expected him to be but Leta had never expected anything more than himself; she accepted him every single part of him, even the broken parts. She kept him grounded when the darkness inside him tried to pull him away. She helped the whispering demons disappear into the back of his mind. Ever since she entered his life, she stayed by his side and never thought badly of him for relying on her so badly.
And yet, he failed her.
The guilt inside him threatened to consume him alive. It was too much, everything was too much. But every time he felt like he was going to lose to the darkness, he remembered that he had a family, people he gained after losing a big chunk of his heart in Paris. The relationship with his little brother after many, long years and he had gained friends in Tina, Jacob, and Nagini. He couldn't do that to them.
He knew the feeling of losing someone and feeling responsible for it. He was responsible for many people's lives and between the war and the loss of his men in Paris (not to mention Leta)he had lost count of how many people he had failed. He didn't want any of his friend to feel like that. That was not something anyone should feel, especially not his family. They already had so much weight to bear as it was.
They didn't deserve to bear the weight of his death like he bore Leta's.
Theseus didn't move from his position on the floor. He tempted to go to the kitchen and fill himself some fire whiskey but he had promised Newt. He didn't know how to talk to Newt; he had never considered it because there had always been frictions in between the brothers. Besides, Newt had his own problems. It was easier for Theseus to kept to himself; He was the older brother after all. It was never Newt's job to look out for him.
That only person who ever looked out for you is gone, it's all your fault.
He buried his face on his hands again, pressed his palms into his eyes hard once again, trying to stop the whisper of his demon. It felt like it was tearing him apart inside and he knew that he needed to talk to someone before he truly lost it. Sleeping wasn't the temporary fix he wanted it to be, considering he couldn't have a full night rest without the nightmares or the demon plaguing his mind. It was affecting his performance and he could not afford to be sleep deprived when Grindelwald and his followers were still on the loose.
The nightmares made him mentally exhausted. He felt drowsy and slowly lost the strength to stay awake. He was tired, too tired. Pretending to be alright was a difficult thing when you're exhausted but Theseus did it. He didn't want to worry anyone more than he already did. He didn't want to make his little brother feel like he was responsible for Theseus's demon because he wasn't.
Another tear fell on his face. Before the darkness took over him again, he could hear his demons beginning to whisper again.
You will never find peace as long as you're still alive.
Newt watched the mooncalves dancing happily as Nagini fed them. He smiled a bit when Nagini laughed as the mooncalves surrounded her, asking for more food. Without meaning to, His mind wandered to Theseus; he was worried about him.
He could tell something consuming his older brother. Theseus smiled but it never quite reached his eyes nowadays. There was always something in there, something he felt he knew but couldn't quite place it coupled with a deep sadness. Sometimes when their eyes met he would have to look away. He couldn't bear it; seeing so much sadness in Theseus' eyes broke his heart.
There was always this far-away expression that Theseus would make and it scared him. When Theseus had that expression, it felt like he was considering something, something Newt couldn't explain but he knew it was bad news. There was this fear inside him, that if he wasn't careful, he would lose Theseus to it.
Not only him, but even Tina, Jacob and Nagini had also started to notice it. Theseus was good at hiding his pain and if people around him started to notice it, it only meant one thing; the pain was beginning to overwhelm Theseus.
Since the group started living together after Paris, Newt had noticed that while Theseus ate regularly, he never ate much. Especially in the last few days, his older brother hadn't had an appetite and was very obviously only eating the bare minimum of food so as not to worry him or the others. Jacob kept commenting on how he worried about Theseus's health. With Theseus barely eating, and his job demanding so much energy, Jacob worried (and Newt agreed) that eventually, Theseus would end up harming himself badly.
Newt gave out a long sigh. Theseus always focused on his job but at what cost. He was being self-destructive at this point and Newt really didn't want it to get any worse. The only thing he could be grateful for was that Theseus was no longer drinking fire whiskey at night but Newt knew realistically that it wasn't enough.
"Newt?"
Newt snapped out of his reverie. Tina was there, looking at him with concern in her eyes. He patted the empty seats beside him, signalling for her to sit. She sat beside him, still giving him a look.
"What is it?" She asked. She tapped her forehead with her index finger. "I can see you're worried about something, Newt."
"I was just thinking about Theseus." He bit his lips, unsure how to explain it. "I mean, you can see there is something eating him alive and I…. I don't know what to do, Tina."
"He won't open up to us either," Tina replied. "I mean the rest of us Aurors. I thought he would at least talk to Alistair since they've known each other since they were junior Aurors but apparently, Theseus has never talked about any of his problems with him, only with Leta."
"He confided in her?"
"Yes, Newt." Tina nodded. "Alistair said, Leta was probably the only one who really knew him." She sighed. "You know, Theseus almost reminds me of someone."
Newt looked at her curiously. "Who?"
"Me." Tina smiled a little. "I mentioned once that I could understand your brother in some level right? Now I that I've gotten to know him better, we really do share some similar aspects."
"Which aspects?"
"Of trying to protect everyone and convince them that we are strong." She sighed. "I am the older sister, I have to be strong for Queenie's sake." She touched his hand trying to find some kind of assurance before continuing. He held it tightly. "That was why I would never confide in anyone before, I always tried to look I was in control, and I refused to let people see my vulnerable side. That's what I think Theseus is doing right now. I am only guessing though, I don't know the truth, no one does. You have to talk to him, if there anyone who could pull him from his shell, it would be you."
"I really want to talk to him," Newt admitted. "It's just ... I don't know what to say at him and I feel like he has been trying to avoid the topic." He bit his lip. "The old me could just think, Theseus was being his usual self and wouldn't ask any more questions but right now I- I know I could lose him if I'm not careful. I am scared, Tina. I am so scared."
"Newt, Newt, Hey, look at me." She grabbed his face and turned it to her direction so he would look at her. "If there anything I learn from working with your brother, it is the fact he is strong and also," She smiled softly at him, "that he loves his little brother so much." Chuckling a bit at Newt's surprise, Tina continued. "I saw some of the documents from when he was dealing with things that related to you. He was trying his best so that you wouldn't be punished. He is always looking out for you. It's only a guess but really, Newt, I think the reason he will keep holding on, despite everything that has happened, is you."
Newt stared at her, a little bit stunned. "I- I know he always looked out for me. It was like I was numb to my own dangers. I was always focused on my beast's safety, not my own... He always made sure I was safe and yet, I always shrugged off his worry." His eyes looking down again. "I was being really inconsiderate, wasn't I?"
"Newt!" She raised his head again. Her eyes were stern. "There is nothing you can do by wallowing in the past. I know that feeling very well. I would always feel the regret for what had happened between Queenie and I but nothing could change if you didn't do something at the moment." She sighed, sadness was dancing in her eyes. "You can do something now, don't let it get to the point where you can't do something. The regret would haunt you, Newt."
"I know," He bit his lip again. "I am just afraid I will do something wrong and make it worse instead of helping him."
"You are underestimating Theseus." Tina smiled softly. "He is your older brother, he will be more than willing to hear you out. He loves you, Newt. Just try, even though it's hard." She pulled him into her arms. "It will be fine."
Newt usually was not fond of people when they try to do physical contact with him but with Tina, it never bothered him. Tina always felt warm and safe. She always smelt like home and he loved it. They stayed like that for a while before Newt pulled away from her. He smiled at her.
"Thank you, Tina." He grinned. "Your words really mean a lot."
"I hope so, Mr. Scamander," Tina smirked, teasing him.
"Tina!"
She laughed, unapologetic about it. Since Paris, she always loved to tease him with that particular phrase. She knew he would react in a certain way and even though he knew this was her intention, he still reacted the same every time. He was truly head over heels for her.
Tina bit her lip, eyes hovering on his lips before swooped in and kissed him. He didn't fight it, instead, kissing back eagerly. It was quick but it made his heart race and the corners of his lips twitched into a smile.
She laughed when she noticed his big smile. He couldn't help but think if there a way to record Tina's laughter. Her laugh was rich and deep, and more importantly, free. It was one of the most beautiful things he had heard in this world. He was not even kidding.
Tina leaned in, resting her forehead on his. They didn't move, just basking in each other presence. If there one thing he knew, it was how Tina's presence always made everything in his world better. Somehow his world became more beautiful and more colourful than before. He was so grateful that the universe had given him the chance to meet her, and even more grateful when it allowed him to stay beside this beautiful, visionary of a woman. The middle-head.
They stayed like that for a while until they saw Einstein plop down onto his laps. He and Tina exchanged a glance before laughing. Einstein decided to make Newt's lap his personal bed as he played with all the shiny things he found. Newt and Tina could only shake their heads fondly. Trust the niffler and his children to escape their enclosure and run amok.
Newt tickled Einstein's stomach, causing some of his collected trinkets to fall out. The baby niffler hurriedly gathered them all up and put them back in his pouch. Annoyed at Newt's tickling, he moved over and settled down in Tina's lap instead.
Brat, He thought fondly.
"Oh? Einstein is on the loose again?"
Newt and Tina turned their heads to meet Nagini who had just finished feeding the mooncalves. She was looking at Einstein with a soft smile.
"He must have escaped before I locked the nest. I am sorry, Newt."
Newt shook his head. "It's fine, Nagini. Please put him back there."
Nagini nodded. She pulled a golden necklace from her pockets, she swung it in front of his eyes to take Einstein's attention, as soon as Einstein latched on the golden necklace, she held him on her palm and smiled at him.
"Now, little one," She patted his head little head with her index finger. "Time to go back to the nest. Your siblings are waiting." She then smiled at Newt and Tina. "see you later you two." She was walking away before she stopped and turned back with teasing smile on her face. "Tina! Don't forget today is our schedule to cook the dinner!"
Tina groaned which earned laughs from Newt and Nagini as she walked away. She puckered her lips and her forehead creased at the prospect. Newt felt the urge to kiss her again, just so that he could make that expression go away and he could hear her laughter again.
"Do you really hate cooking that much?"
"It's not that I hate cooking, I mean I can cook for myself," Tina sighed. "It just compared to Nagini I feel like such an amateur. She is such a fast learner compared to me. I don't think I'd ever reach her level."
"Cooking is not about who learns the fastest, Tina." He smiled softly at her. "As long you are satisfied with what you cook, then you shouldn't think badly about your cooking skill."
"Maybe," She sighed. "I will try to make something more decent this time around."
"What do you mean more decent? Your cooking was fine, Tina!"
"It wasn't! I only made a simple omelette."
"It was good and everyone liked it." He pointed out. "Also you know, Nagini just loves spending time with you and cooking is one of the times where she can do that. You are her friend."
"I know that, Newt. I also like to spend time with her but it just that I'm terrible at cooking-"
"Porpentina Esther Goldstein."
"Newt! Don't use my full name!"
"If you would stop berating your cooking skill, I would. We love what you make just fine. Also, you can make anything and I will always consider it good."
He could see Tina chewing her lip, trying to fight off the smile from her face. "You are stubborn, aren't you, Newt?"
"Of course, especially because the woman who I love keeps berating herself over her cooking skill when she has nothing to worry about!" He said, staring at her. Tina was no longer fighting her smile. She was grinning.
"You know that I love you much more than you, Newton Artemis Fido Scamander?"
"Lies." He grinned back. "I love you so much more, Porpentina Esther Goldstein."
The laughs that came from Tina were such a satisfying sound to Newt, knowing that it had been him to make her laugh. There was still lingering worry in his heart but for now, he would store it in the back of his mind until he could decide when he could gather the courage to talk to his older brother.
Newt once more woke up in the middle of the night. This had become a habit ever since he found out that Theseus used to drink fire whiskey at night by himself from Tina. Half of him was still afraid that Theseus was still doing it, but the other half knew better. His brother was many things but not a promise-breaker. He still couldn't stop himself from checking on his brother; Newt knew he would be restless until morning if he didn't.
So he carefully untangled his body from his girlfriend's, who was finally sleeping better and rarely woken up by nightmares. He kissed her forehead lightly and left the bed. He sighed in relief when there was no sight of Theseus at the dinner table and he checked all the liquor in the cabinet was still intact.
Newt was about to go back to his room when there was this nagging feeling that he had to check on Theseus. He bit his lip, considering his options but he felt like if he ignored this nagging feeling he would regret it. He knew Theseus would probably be annoyed at him but it was better to be safe.
He quietly approached Theseus's room. Newt was just going to check that Theseus was in his bed and asleep and then immediately head back to his own bed. To his surprise, instead of finding Theseus sleeping, he heard his older brother's harsh breathing and pushed open the door to find his older brother on the floor, his knees pulled to his chest and his hands covering his ears.
"Thee?"
Theseus jolted out and looked up at him with something Newt would have never expected from Theseus; fear. He wanted to approach him but the wild look in Theseus's eyes made Newt think Theseus wouldn't even recognise him. It scared Newt. He could feel his heart beating rapidly, he was scared and worried about his older brother.
Theseus looked like a wounded beast and he knew better than to approach him suddenly. He closed the space between them slowly, step by step without a sound. He could see that if he wasn't careful his older brother could react badly and that was something he desperately wanted to avoid.
"Thee?" Newt asked again. Theseus still staring at him with unseeing eyes, no sign of recognition passing over his face. Newt had to swallow the lump in his throat before continuing again. "Thee, it's me, Newt. Your little brother."
Theseus still stared at Newt as he finally realised who was in front of him. "Newt?"
"Yes, Thee." Newt replied. "I am Newt."
Theseus continued to stare at him disbelievingly "Why are you here?"
"I actually have a habit to check the kitchen and dinner table in the middle night ever since I found out about your night habit," Newt admitted. "I didn't mean to but I had a nagging feeling that I should check on you and I am glad I did. It was a good decision." His eyes then noticed a red liquid running from Theseus's temple. "Thee, you are bleeding!"
Theseus almost avoided his hand but he then stayed still and let Newt touched his wounds. He winced when Newt touched it, it must have hurt a lot but he was surprised when his older brother whispered, "It's bleeding?"
"You didn't notice?" Newt asked, worried.
Theseus wiped away the blood from his cheek with the back of his hand and muttered. "I didn't."
Theseus didn't say anything more and keep staring at his hands blankly. Newt bit his lip, worried over his older brother. He wished he had brought his wand with him so he could start cleaning the wound.
"I am going to get you some Dittany," Newt said as he stood. "I'll be back in a-"
Newt didn't manage to complete his words, Theseus had caught his hand hurriedly and their eyes met. His brother held his hand tightly, as if pleading with Newt not to leave. He waited as Theseus struggled to find the right words, and Newt watched his eyes flicker with fear and a sense of loneliness.
"I-" Theseus said in a hoarse voice, "I just- don't want to be left alone… please…."
Newt could feel a pang in his chest. His older brother sounded so different than his usual self and that worried him endlessly. He couldn't believe that despite his everyday self where he looked like he had it together, his brother had been hiding the parts that were broken.
"Then come with me," Newt said. He offered Theseus a hand to help him stand. He couldn't help notice but the boniness of Theseus's hands as he lifted him to his feet. He didn't let go of his older brother's hands as he led him down to the menagerie.
He left Theseus on the bench near the Niffler Nest. He knew that would probably cheer up Theseus a little since he remembered how fond he was of the baby nifflers. He saw the corners of Theseus' mouth twitch a little as he watched the nifflers scamper about, which was a reassuring sign.
Newt took the dittany from the medicine box and grabbed a towel before heading back upstairs. And Newt went upstairs, intending to sneak in and collect his wand from the bedside table without waking Tina. Unfortunately for him, Tina had already woken up.
"Newt?" She asked sleepily, noticing all of the things Newt carried and staring up at him, confused. "What are you doing?"
"Err- There is something happened."
"What?"
"I don't know actually…" He replied. "Theseus hasn't talked about it and right now my priority is to heal his wound."
"Wound? He got hurt?"
"Yes," Newt nodded. "I left him with the nifflers but he was-" He remembered the look of fear Theseus had given him, "He didn't even want to be left alone in his bedroom."
"I want to help but I think both of us trying to help him might frighten him a bit." Tina sighed. "Take care of him, Newt. Talk."
"I will, Tina." Newt nodded.
Newt left their bedroom and stopping for a moment to pour a glass of water in the kitchen, quickly went back to Theseus. His older brother looked a bit better and there was a small smile on his face as Einstein had curled up in Theseus's lap and was now dozing off. Newt shook his head fondly as he approached them.
Theseus noticed him and gave him a little smile. "Hi, Newt."
"Hi, Thee."
He put the towel and glass of water down on the table near the Niffler nest, taking the Dittany and his wand over to his brother. Looking at the wound on Theseus' head caused Newt to sigh.
The bleeding had stopped but the trails of blood were still obvious on his face. Without saying anything to Theseus, Newt pointed his wand at the wound and muttered Tergeo. He cleaned the trails of blood on Theseus's face with a quick Scourgify. Satisfied that the wound was clean, Newt put his wand down on the bench and went to apply the dittany.
"This might hurt," Newt muttered.
"It's fine, Newt." Theseus answered.
Newt tried to apply it carefully, noting the occasional hiss of pain from Theseus.
"I am sorry."
"It's fine, really."
Newt sighed in relief when the wound healed nicely. He closed the bottle of Dittany and put it on the table. Finally, Newt brought over the glass of water and the towel. He passed them to Theseus who accepted them gratefully as Newt sat beside him.
Newt noticed that his older brother's pyjamas were soaked with cold sweat and his hands were still shaking a little as he drank the water. Theseus' shakily dragged his hand across his face, wiping the remnants of blood and sweat from his face. Newt bit his lip, worried. A hundred questions span through his mind but he didn't want to approach it wrong. He almost could hear Tina's voice that kept reminding him to talk. He took a deep breath and asked.
"What happened, Thee?"
Theseus turned his attention to him, and opened his mouth but closed it again almost immediately. Newt waited for him to talk but nothing came out from out his older brother's mouth. His older brother instead focused on Einstein as he snored cheerfully in his lap.
Newt was not sure whether this was the right way to start the conversation but he had to try something.
"I am just worried," Newt started. "I can tell something is bothering, no-" He shook his head. "Something is eating you alive but you won't tell me anything about it. Everyone has started to notice and worry about you, Thee."
"I am sorry," Theseus replied. "I didn't mean to make you or anyone worry about me. I can usually handle myself." He paused for a beat and added. "I don't mean to be a burden."
Theseus' words stung Newt. He recalled the day where he talked to Theseus after he was wounded by Grindelwald's fanatic followers and Theseus had said something similar.
Well, that way I won't be a burden like this.
Newt hated it. He didn't like the way Theseus had said it. Theseus considered himself a burden when all he did was protect the people around him. That was not fair. Why won't he cut himself some slack? He always protecting and caring for other people and yet he never allowed himself the same courtesy. Newt didn't understand.
"You are not a burden, Thee!" He replied, harsher than he intended but he was too frustrated to care about it. "You are my brother and you will never be a burden for me, ever."
Theseus stared at him. He looked like he was about to say something again but stopped in the middle of it again. He looked away, unsure. It really drove Newt crazy. He didn't want to push Theseus but at the same time how could he help Theseus if he didn't talk.
Familiarity and realisation hit Newt like an Erumpent kick to the chest.
Newt did that to Theseus repeatedly. He made Theseus worry and then he would shrug off his concern or simply refused to talk to Theseus. He buried his face on his hands, realising how unfair he was being to Theseus, regret bubbling in his chest.
"I really mean what I said to you."
Theseus turned his attention back at him and muttered, "Huh?"
The confusion was clear on his eyes. Newt took a deep breath before he spoke up again.
"I don't want to lose you," He said. "I really mean it and I am trying, I am trying to be a better brother to you too. I know we haven't always gotten on but I really mean it when I said that." He chewed his lip, trying to control the emotions that were starting to swell in his chest. "I am scared, Thee. Sometimes you look at me with an expression I can't describe, like you are considering something terrible and Merlin knows that I don't want you to choose it, whatever it is." He raised his eyes and their eyes met. "I am here and I'm not the only one; Tina, Nagini, and Jacob too! You are not alone, Theseus."
Theseus looked stunned at his words, but Newt continued.
"When I said let me in, I really mean it. I will never judge you for what you feel, Thee." Newt shook his head slowly in disbelief. "Why do you keep trying to protect and care for everyone else but never give yourself the same courtesy? Why Theseus? I don't understand."
They exchanged glances. Newt was never good at maintaining eye contacts but this time he held it. If it could convince his older brother to talk, then he would do it. His brother's eyes softened and Theseus managed a smile. If was the first genuine smile Newt had seen Theseus attempt in weeks. He felt like he could cry right there, but he didn't
"Are you willing to listen to it, Newt?" Theseus finally said, quietly. "It's a long story."
"I am," He replied, determined. "I want to help in whatever way I can."
"I see," Theseus said. "I am not sure where to start though." His hands played with Einstein, patting the little creature softly, who chittered happily in his sleep. "I've had this problem ever since the War."
Newt's mind flashed back to when he found Theseus on the ground, having collapsed because he had been running himself haggard. He was so scared because it was the first time he saw Theseus's vulnerable side. His brother always looked so strong and had it together, finding him weak and unwell was not something he had expected. He should know it meant something but at that time, he chose to not address it and pretended it had never happened. Newt regretted it.
"I have always been put in the position where I was in the charge, where people relied on me and somehow over time, it became really ingrained in me. I feel like I have to live up to whatever everyone expected from me and so I did." Newt could feel the sadness in his brother's words. "That's why I never really had a close friend if I think about it."
Theseus sighed, pausing for a moment. "In the war, wizards were so convinced that the muggle war was not our problem but I never had the same mindset. How was I supposed to ignore it? People were dying and I couldn't ignore that." Theseus continued. "People like to call me a War Hero but if I'm being honest, I've never been fond of that title. I did what I had to do and survive. There was nothing heroic about that."
Newt bit his lip. He was guilty of addressing Theseus with that title a few times. He knew there was a flash in his older brother's eyes when he mentioned it but he never thought too much about it. But now he knew the reason, he couldn't help but feel bad. Theseus noticed it and sighed.
"It's fine, Newt. You didn't know."
"Still, I can't help but feel bad about it."
"You don't need too," Theseus replied. He took a deep breath before continue. "I was in charge of troops on the front and even now all these years later, I can still remember the names of all of the men that died under my command. I was responsible for their lives and yet, so many of them died. It was my fault."
"It was war, Theseus." Newt said, "People were going to die no matter who was in charge of them. If there was one thing I learnt in the war, it was that you couldn't save everyone. No matter how badly you wanted to."
"I am just glad you never had to see the horror of the front. It was something no one deserved to experience." Theseus paused for a beat, considering something. "I wish you never had to experience the war at all. Also, I am sorry for what happened with the Ironbellies, it was not supposed to end like that."
Newt swallowed down the lump in his throat. It was still a sore topic for him but he knew he was being unfair in directing his anger at Theseus. His older brother had needed to make a choice at that time and he chose people's safety. He even apologised for it but Newt was just too mad. He shook his head and replied.
"I know you were sorry about them," Newt said, quietly. "I was just mad and directing my anger at you even though I should understand that you had to make choice. And yet, you just accepted my anger without a fight. I am sorry, Thee."
"No, it's fine. It's in the past, anyway." Theseus shook his head. There was silence before his older brother spoke again. "Anyway, after the war was the start of this," He shrugged, "This condition of mine."
"What kind of condition?"
"Nightmares is one of them but sometimes I can almost hear voices," Theseus answered. "Whispers that kept haunting me. Reminding me that the blood of people I couldn't save was on my hands." He gave out a long sigh. "It was a hard time for me. I was running on coffee and liquor, sometimes refusing to sleep so I could avoid the nightmares. No one noticed though and I didn't want to tell anyone. So I was going like that for a while but it eventually took its toll," He chuckles. "You found me once. I didn't mean for you to find out, especially at that time when we were not speaking to each other. I am grateful you didn't snitch to anyone, though. I don't need people gossiping behind my back."
Newt blanched at the revelation. He remembered that day vividly. He hadn't even meant to meet Theseus; he was on his way to the Beast Division where a mountain of paperwork waited for him, when he found Theseus leaning heavily on a wall in the corridor. His older brother dismissed him when Newt expressed concern at his brother's obviously dire condition. But Newt was shocked when Theseus had collapsed right there in front of him. He was so scared because he had never actually seen his brother vulnerable like that before. That was the first time he realised how the war had really affected his brother.
And yet, he didn't do anything after he had taken care of Theseus, who left as soon as he'd felt better. He remembers the note Theseus had left on his desk and it caused more regret to flare up in his heart. He never once sought his brother afterwards to make sure he was alright. He thought it was just a one-time thing since Theseus looked just like his usual self when they met again. So he pretended it never happened and carried on.
Theseus who noticed how pale Newt had gone, immediately comforted him. "Hey, hey it's fine alright. It's totally fine. You didn't know."
"But I should have realised." Newt replied quietly.
"You are listening to me right now, aren't you?" Theseus ruffled his hair, a small smile on his face. "That's enough."
Newt couldn't trust his voice to not break, so he only nodded.
"And you see, it kept going for a while. I was slowly but surely descending into madness. The only thing that kept me going, well before Leta came along, was my promise."
"Your promise?"
"Well yes," Theseus looked a bit embarrassed. "When you were born I promised myself that I would always protect you no matter what. I was so happy when I found out I was going to be an older brother. Specifically your older brother"
Newt smiled at him. "Theseus..."
Theseus shrugged it off, clearing his throat out of embarrassment. "Anyway before I started to lose it completely, Leta entered my life." He chuckles a bit. "I knew a little bit about her, mostly from your letter, so I wondered what she would actually be like. Needless to say, she was amazing."
Newt sighed in relief when noticed the smile that spread on his older brother's face. It was one of fondness, nostalgia and happiness. Reminiscing about Leta helped him. He couldn't help but smile too.
"She told Gaunt off when he was being a sexist bastard and judging her for being a Lestrange but really," Theseus grinned, "As expected of Leta, she embarrassed him instead, pointing out how much of a hypocrite he was. She was really amazing."
Theseus continued to talk about Leta and Newt couldn't help but smile. He knew they made each other incredibly happy. He had seen the way she looked at Theseus and Newt knew she had loved Theseus just as fiercely as Theseus loved her. He was happy for them but at that time he couldn't shake the awkward he felt when he was with them, and did his best to avoid them whenever he could. Another pang added to the steadily building mountain of regret in his heart.
If only fate had given them a chance to stay happy, Newt thought.
Theseus stopped dead track in his story about Leta and shot Newt a guilty look.
Newt looked at Theseus, brow furrowing in confusion. "Why did you stop talking?"
"I feel like I am being selfish for talking about Leta to you" Theseus replied. "You are also grieving for her and yet, I am-"
"Theseus," He cut him off. "When I said talk about everything, I really meant it. Leta too. She was a dear friend, and remembering her in this way is another way for us both to grieve her loss. Leta really was amazing, wasn't she? I didn't keep in contact with her after the expulsion, so tell me about that."
Newt smiled encouragingly at Theseus. His older brother looked stunned for a bit but then a little smile appeared on his face and he continued his story about Leta. Newt knew his older brother needed this. Theseus needed someone that appreciated Leta as much as he did to listen to his stories about her. Newt could see how much it was helping his brother; Theseus was looking a lot better than when he found him in the bedroom.
Theseus told him about how much Leta helped him. She would always listen to him and at the same time, he would always listen to her. Bit by bit, they talked about their past experiences and the problems that kept haunting them both.
Newt was surprised that find out that Theseus knew about what Leta had done on the boat. Leta told him about it few weeks before they went to Paris. She didn't want any secrets between them and she confessed it to Theseus. Theseus explained, his voice full of sadness.
"She kept that secret to herself and never told anyone. She must have suffered for so long. She was just a kid." Theseus said, sadly.
"She was," Newt replied, remembering their Hogwarts days when people kept talking about her behind her back. "People were always being unfair to her."
"That's right," Theseus then smiled at him. "Thank you, Newt."
"Huh?" Newt looking at him in confusion.
"For being her friend. I know how much she treasured the time you two had in Hogwarts." Theseus smiled.
Newt didn't know how to respond at that, so he simply nodded. Theseus took a breath to steady himself before continuing on, finally reaching the events in Paris.
When everything went downhill in the amphitheatre. Theseus told Newt that if he hadn't been there, he would probably have let himself be engulfed by the cursed fire.
Before Newt could stop himself, fearing the answer, he simply asked.
"Why?"
"I had just lost the love of my life and at that moment, I wished that I could just die along with her. Part of me died with her." Theseus replied, devoid of any emotion. "I lost too many people that day. People who I led to their deaths including my own fiancé.
"That's not your fault!" He said. "You were trying your best so it wouldn't end up a violent mess. The situation was out of your control. I was there Theseus. I saw everything as it went down. It wasn't your fault, it never was."
Theseus didn't respond at that. His expression was still neutral but his eyes told a different story. There was sadness in there, a deep one. Newt would usually look away, but this time he didn't. Newt tried to convince Theseus that it was not his fault.
"Even so," Theseus finally responded. "That is how I really feel. No matter how much I wanted to get rid of that feeling, it always haunted me and I didn't know who to talk too." Theseus gave him a look. "I know you were worried about all of us, struggling with everything that happened in Paris, and doing your best to help us all because that's what you do. You are always too kind, sometimes to a fault, and all of that was obviously stressing you out. I thought it better not to add to your worries." He shrugged and looking away. "So I did what I usually did and buried my own sadness."
"But that must have been..." Newt bit his lip, "Lonely."
"Loneliness and guilt are my constant companion, Newt." He replied, wistful.
"Do you feel like that all the time?" Newt asked. "Even when you're spending time with all of us? Like at dinner?"
"When I am with you all, I can forget about it all for a little while. You are all very dear to me, Newt." Theseus answered. "It is because all of you are here that I am still here after all."
Newt was surprised but before he could ask, Theseus continued.
"I am losing my mind, Newt. There are times when I really considered taking my own life, hoping that it could release me from my guilt and loneliness," Theseus reached for Newt's shoulder when he paled at the confession, gripping it comfortingly. "But I can't do that to you, to any of you. After all, I know more than anyone the pain of losing someone, the guilt for not being there for them. I am not going to do that to all of you. I will not have you feeling that constant pain all the time."
How strong. Newt couldn't help but marvel at his brother's strength. How had Theseus managed to keep all of his sufferings to himself, yet constantly think about other people's feeling, first and foremost. He was in pain but his first thought was for the people that he loved. Even so, knowing how much he suffered in silence, Newt cried, tears flowing freely down his face.
"Newt?" Theseus shocked at his tears and panicked. "Hey, hey Newt, It's fine. Really, please don't cry." His older brother used the towel to wipe away his tears. Theseus looking lost at what to do. Newt took a breath and steeled himself. He couldn't lose it yet. He still had to ask about the wound.
"How did you get the wound?"
"Huh?"
"The wound on your temple." Newt tapped on his own temple and Theseus realised what he meant.
"Ah this," Theseus said as he touched the now-healed wound. "When I woke up, I was disoriented and my head hit the nightstand when I fell but I didn't know it was bleeding. I was paralyzed by my own fears and nightmares even after I woke up and I was more focused on stopping those errr- voices." Newt's eyes landed on Theseus again as his brother shot him a sheepish smile."I kind of scared you, right? I am sorry."
Newt shook his head hastily. "That was not something you should be sorry for, Thee."
"Well still-"
"No," Newt said firmly. "Don't apologise for something you can't control, Thee. Especially not that." Then, he added. "I should be the one who is sorry.
"What are you talking about? I said it's fine, Newt. You didn't know."
"That still doesn't make it alright." Newt raised his voice, startling both Theseus and Einstein. The little brat looked confused and then tried to hide in Theseus's hands. Theseus patted Einstein a little and in no time, the niffler fell asleep again. Theseus brought him back to nest.
An uncomfortable silence hung in the air as Theseus sat down again, making Newt increasingly anxious as silent seconds ticked by. He wanted to get his point across but he was afraid that if he didn't choose the right words, his older brother would keep hiding his pain. He bit his lip in frustration until he recalled Tina's words.
"He is your older brother, he will be more than willing to hear you out. He loves you, Newt. Just try, even though it's hard."
So Newt bit the bullet.
"Theseus, there is one thing you need to understand." Newt started. When he was sure he had Theseus' attention he continued. "I am here, we are here. You don't need to pretend when you are with us, least of all me. I really mean it. I really want to be a better brother for you. No more empty words or promises." He bit his lip. "I am scared. I don't want to lose you, Theseus. I have been taking the fact that you are always looking out for me for granted. I am sorry, I am truly sorry."
Newt looked at him with eyes full of unshed tears. Theseus already opened his mouth when he cut him off.
"Let me finish it, Thee." Theseus closed his mouth and nodded. "I know you always feel like you have to protect people around you. You bare everything alone and never rely on anyone, except maybe Leta. I am not going to let that happen again, this time around when you need me, I'll be there. I will look out for you, just like you always do. And not only me but also everyone. They have been worried about you." Newt hesitated but finally decide to do it anyway, he pulled Theseus into his arms, crushing his older brother in a strong hug. He could feel Theseus tense for a moment before relaxing into it. Newt continued again. "You don't have to hide anything from me anymore, Thee. You are allowed to be vulnerable and share your worries with me. You don't have to suffer alone. Rely on me, Theseus. I am your brother, I will always be there for you."
Newt could feel Theseus's tears soaking into his pyjama top, his fingers gripping the fabric tightly. Newt just held his brother tighter, a little scared that if he let go, Theseus would disappear into a million pieces. He pondered that maybe sometimes all people needed was a good, strong hug when they were sad. That was probably also the reason why Theseus loved hugging people; not because he simply loved to hug, but maybe because Theseus was the one who needed the assurance.
Newt patted his older brother's back briefly and began drawing soothing circles as his older brother sobbed harder, finally letting go. He couldn't help but compare it to a cry of a wounded animal and the revelation just made Newt's heart ached with more sadness. It always hard for a wounded animal to find time to heal if it was always fending off attacks and looking after others.
It took a while before Theseus' sobs finally subsided. He could feel Theseus's hands loosening from the fabric of his pyjama.
"Thee?"
Theseus grunted as a response.
"Don't go to work today, yes? You are exhausted. Rest, at least for today."
It took a bit before Theseus responded, his voice hoarse. "...Alright."
Newt couldn't help but smile in relief. He couldn't just let Theseus go to work when it was obvious he needed to rest. He couldn't let his older brother sleep down here in the basement though. Newt carefully led Theseus, who was already half-asleep, upstairs until they successfully reached Theseus's bedroom. Newt helped his older brother to settle onto his bed. He took the blanket from the floor and tucked it around Theseus' body.
"Newt…?" Theseus whispered, sleepily.
"Yes, Thee?"
"Don't leave….."
Newt smiled gently at him. "I will be here when you wake up, Thee."
Not long after that, he heard Theseus's breath even out as he drifted off. Newt sighed in relief. He only hoped that somehow his older brother wouldn't be woken up by his nightmares again. He made a mental note to offer Theseus dreamless draught tomorrow night.
Newt heard the creak of the door, he turned his head to see Tina was standing there, looking curious. He smiled at her.
"Tina." He whispered while gesturing her to sit on the empty space beside him. She closed the door quietly and sat beside him.
"How is he?" Tina asked, her voice no more than a whisper.
"He's not good." He replied in low voice. "But he will be, eventually. I will not fail him again."
Tina slid her arms from behind his neck and pulled him on her arms. She whispered.
"To not fail again…."
Newt knew who Tina had in her mind. He kissed her temple and whispered. "We will not fail them too, Queenie and Credence."
"I have to trust that, Newt." Tina whispered. "I can't let them make a mistake that will haunt them for all their life."
"I know, I know," Newt replied. He caressed her hand gently, comforting her. "We will make them realise and come back to us."
He could feel Tina tighten her arms on him. She whispered. "We will."
There was silence before he broke the silence. "What time is it?"
"It's almost five." Tina's eyes landed on her sleeping boss. "He shouldn't go into work today, he looks so exhausted, Newt."
"I know, I actually asked him to take the day off and he agreed."
"Thank Morrigan." Tina sighed. "Then, I guess, you two finally talked everything out."
"Yes, Tina. We talked."
"I am glad to hear that, Newt." There was a moment of silence before she added. "Theseus better be ready for us to take care of him. We all observed in silence because we don't want to make it worse so he better get ready for the fuss that is about to be made."
Newt had to stifle his laughs as he glanced at his older brother's sleeping face, feeling lighter. "No, I don't think he will know what hit him."
When Theseus woke up, he saw Newt asleep in the armchair at the side of the bed. From the way his neck hanging, it had to be hurting him. In an attempt to wake Newt up, Theseus tried to raise his voice, but instead of words, he burst into a coughing fit which woke Newt up instead.
Merlin's beard. He swore. Theseus sat upright and tried to take in a deep enough breath to stop the cough. I feel so awful.
"Easy, easy," Newt whispered, carefully patting Theseus' back in an attempt to help. "Take a deep breath, Thee."
It took a whole minute for him to stop coughing completely. Newt offered him a glass of water that he took gratefully. The water felt like heaven after feeling like he had just scratched his lung repeatedly. Theseus placed the empty glass on the nightstand and smiled at Newt.
"Thanks, Newt."
"You're welcome, Thee."
Theseus still felt tired even after sleep. The crick in his neck meant that he had slept for a long time and that realisation felt a bit odd. He didn't remember the feeling of sleeping so long, considering every time he tried a nightmare would wake him up. But he guessed that the emotional exhaustion he felt yesterday was too much. He felt like he could sleep for some good hours.
Just as he thought of it, Theseus yawned.
"Sleep again, Thee." Newt sighed, looking concerned. "You still look exhausted and you woke up a few times."
Theseus widened his eyes at that, surprised. "Wait, really?"
"Yes," Newt answered. "You were not lucid thought and immediately went back to sleep."
"Wait," He shook his head. "What time is it?"
"Almost five in the evening." Newt shrugged.
"It's my night to cook," He said as he straightened his body. "I am better-"
Newt didn't even let his feet touch the floor, stopping him as Theseus went to swing his legs out of the bed. Newt frowned. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing?"
"Uh, going to the kitchen?"
"Jacob and Nagini already taking over the cooking today. Just rest, Thee."
"I am-"
"I am seriously going to hex you if you try to apologise and say things that are untrue." Newt sighed. "Just rest okay. Let us take care of you."
His little brother stared at him, his eyes showing an obvious concern. Theseus hadn't been able to say no to those eyes, ever since they were children. So he nodded and laid back on the bed again, already beginning to feel sleepy.
"Do you want potion for dreamless sleep?" Newt asked. "I know you probably didn't want to rely on it but at least for now?"
He considered his little brother's offer. He didn't like the thought of relying on that potion; it was why he had always avoided it as much as possible. But Theseus was tired of having those awful nightmares. In the end, he agreed and drank the potion which took effect quickly and Theseus fell asleep once more.
Ever since that day, everyone became a bit tad obsessed with fixing his eating habits. Not that he couldn't blame them for that, but it was a weird thing to get used to at first. Usually, most people would glance at him and even if they noticed there was something off about him, they would just ignore it and move on. But his friends didn't. They made sure he ate and slept well.
When he had told them that he had put a silencing charm on his bedroom to make sure that no one was woken up by his night terrors, they all convinced him to remove the charm so that they would know when he needed them the most. Sometimes it was Newt and Tina who would immediately run into Theseus' room, staying with him until he calmed down. Sometimes it was just Jacob and sometimes they would just sit in silence or when Theseus needed it, Jacob would talk about something funny and his own experience in the war.
Nagini taught him how to control his breathing when he found himself in a particularly bad episode. She also taught him how to take care of Einstein. He ended up feeling attached to the brat. Taking care Einstein also helped him to focus on the little brat than the whispering demons in his mind.
Theseus knew there was no easy solution to get him through this condition but somehow with his little family here, and knowing that he didn't always have to look or feel his best in front of them, made it all just a little bit easier. He couldn't help wishing for things to stay like this; peaceful and with routines that he knew. But there were things going on in the world that he couldn't ignore.
Even so, he was going to enjoy these days to the fullest while reminiscing about Leta and the memories they made together. The good ones, the ones where he fell in love with her. She didn't deserve to be remembered with bad memories, only good ones so that the memory of her continued to live on in his heart.
After all, memories were the way for the dead to remain alive in the hearts of the living. Theseus did his best to hold onto that and Leta as he slowly began to heal.
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