We Failed Him
By thatonemoose
The paladins just finished a mission and were extremely tired but still had to go through the debriefing. Hunk, pidge, Keith and even shiro and the alteans looked very very tired, but not lance. Lance looked anxious and jumpy like he was worried. He hadn't done well this mission and really screwed up and he seemed to be preparing himself for the lectures and ruthless jokes about to come his way.
"Lance?" a patient but tired voice said. Lance jumped "Yes Sir?" he squealed out. He could already hear the sniggers from Keith and Pidge and feel the sympathetic looks from Coran and Hunk. "Lance you didn't do well to" Shiro started but what cut off "Yeah maybe you should stop fucking around and actually be useful for once" Keith spat out scornfully. Pidge and Allura both seemed to agree. " Sorry sir, I-I'll try better next time'' Lance said weakly. Shiro sighed deeply "Just don't do it again, Everyone you're dismissed".
Lance immediately jumped out of his chair almost knocking it down and quickly stalked down the hallway. Shiro sighed even heavier as he watched him go.
A few hours later Lance was about to go into the lobby room and catch up with everyone but before he was about to walk in something stopped him.
"He needs to get his act together! We don't need a child on the team!" Lance immediately registered that as Keith.
"Keith stop it" Lance sighed quietly, at least he could count on Shiro.
"But Shiro Keith is right, All Lance does is joke around, He needs to as Keith has said grow up" Allura "helpfully" chimed in.
"And you've even talked about how he needs to stop being a child on the battlefield" Keith almost yelled.
"Keith I-" No shiro face it! All lance is a goofball! He's gonna get himself killed one day even worse he might get someone important hurt!" Keith yelled.
Lance didn't bother hearing the rest, he just turned around and quietly walked away not even trying to interfere with their squabbling.
Lance started walked to his room, his features hard and cold. He walked past Hunk who greeted him but he just kept going, suddenly something grabbed his shoulder and turned him around it was Hunk.
"Dude are you alright?, You seem out of it" Hunk said worry evident in his voice. Lance quickly put up a smile hoping it looked normal and started speaking. "I'm fine buddy just thinking about the fight today". "Oh well um would you like to help me make space cookies? I'm making your favorite" Hunk said secretly trying to get his friend open up. "Nah man I'm gonna go take a nap, that fight really took it outta me. Catch you later?" Lance said fake yawning hoping to move the conversation along. "Oh yeah um sure catch you later" as soon as the words left his mouth Lance was already turned around and quickly fading into the distance. Hunk was left standing in the hall alone worrying about his friend.
Lance finally arrived at his bedroom door with no further incidents. He walked in and went into the bathroom attached to his room. He was glad he didn't have to go to the public bathrooms further down the halls, he didn't want to dirty those bathrooms as he had this one. He opened the cabinet under the altean equivalent of a sink and pulled out a shaving razor. He then took the army swiss knife out of his back pocket, quietly thanking his mother for forcing him to be in boy scouts. He then with his little swiss knife managed to get the blades out of the razor without breaking them. Lance knew that he shouldn't be doing what he's about to do for god's sake it's been four years, he couldn't do this to mamma. But mama wouldn't know about this, maybe mama thought he was already dead, they don't know what the garrison told their parents, they could've said he offed himself and mama would have believed them. So why not die here in space? He wasn't useful far from it actually, they could easily replace him. Hell they're probably going to, he's just a placeholder for someone better. So why not end it now? Because he was a coward a useless fucking coward. Those words quickly became a mantra in Lance's head, he put the blade to his forearm the voices started yelling your useless, you'll never be good enough, you're just a placeholder, a goofball, a flirt useless n-no I-I'm no- useless useless USELESS!. Before Lance knew it his forearm was covered in cuts, his fresh blood mingling with his tears. Suddenly there was a knock at his front door. "Y-yeah?'' he stuttered. "It's time for dinner! You coming?" a small but annoyed voice said. "Uh um I'm not that hungry, I'll get some food later" lance lied. "Okay, hey um Lance are you? You know what forget it, see you later". After he heard the footsteps slowly fade away he sighed, Lance was starving but he felt proud of himself. It would be a waste if a piece of shit like him ate food. He sighed once again and after cleaning up his mess, he headed down to the training room.
Three weeks have passed and Lance had picked up a new routine. Wake up, skip breakfast train instead, team training, eat half a bowl of food goo for lunch, train, stay in his room and cut for down time, skip dinner, cut, train, go to sleep. It was perfect for everyone it seemed, he stopped talking as much and everyone seemed more relaxed, happy even. Lance was getting stronger, His muscles were more defined but he faced seemed skinner and his eyes were more pronounced because of the bags under his eyes. In short he looked terrible but the one most defining thing about him that changed? His smile it was almost completely gone expect for diplomatic missions and when he was around others than then paladins.
No One had seemed to notice, hell it was like they forgot about him. But lance was okay with it or so he said to himself. I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to fight and get back home he thought constantly. But what he didn't know was that Hunk and Coran noticed and were extremely worried almost terrified. It's not like lance stopped talking to everyone he just really only talked to respond to orders or other work things. Lance still helped out he did more cleaning, and he still helped Coran with the cryopods and Hunk with baking he just didn't talk while he helped. So Coran and Hunk brought their worries to shiro who immediately felt guilty about not noticing before and said he'll do something.
The next day Shiro proposed a team building exercise to the team a very mandatory one. They were to be using the mind-melding helmets and basically they would be sharing things about themselves to the group, it was just a simple bonding exercise. But this very "simple" exercise scared Lance shitless. What if they found out? What if they kicked him off the team for being weak, the horrible outcomes were endless. Lance did try to weasel himself out of this but his attempts were very futile. And so he suddenly found himself on the training room floor in a circle with the other paladins with weird crown looking things on their heads being told to share things. Hunk thought of cooking with his grandma, Pidge thought of playing videogames with her brother. Keith thought of the time he got his very first knife. Shiro thought of the day he met all of us and I thought of my family just my family and only my family not even me. Lance suddenly felt eyes staring at him some frustrated(Keith) some bored and wanting to get this over with(Pidge) and some worried?. But why were they worried that doesn't make sense. He's not doing anything wrong am I? Lance was pulled out of his worries by Shiro "Lance, your not sharing anything about yourself, it's okay to miss your family but we're trying to learn about you not them." Lance gulped hard "Face it Shiro all Lance is, is a family man. Hell I'm surprised he's not showing us of him "getting all the girls". Keith said sarcasm dripping from his last sentence. Pidge and Keith were laughing as Hunk sent him a sympathetic look. "Shiro Keith's right, All I think of is my family. I don't think there's much that you guys don't already know about me". "Yeah like how he's just a goofball and a "Ladies man" Pidge said sent her and Keith back into laughing fits. All Lance did was chuckle nervously. "Pidge, Keith, stop being rude. All of you can go the training is done for today" everyone started to get ready to leave " But we will be doing this tomorrow and you must share". You could hear collective groans from Keith and Pidge as they walked off. Lance got his crown-thingy off and was just about to walk out the door when a shoulder stopped him. Lance was startled to say the least but sigh with relief as it was only shiro." Hey Lance buddy are you alright? You haven't been yourself lately" oh shit Lance was fucked. "I'm fine Shiro" Lance said as he plastered on a fake smile. " You sure?" "Yeah yeah Shiro I'm fine, but um I'm tired do you mind I pop smoke?" "oh uh yeah sure Lance, but um before you go. You know you can talk to about anything right?" shiro asked concerned. "Oh yeah definitely Shiro I know" but you won't do it the voice whispered. "I'm gonna go now, uh bye" Lance quickly ran out hoping to get to his room as fast as he could.
When Lance arrived he immediately sat down at the desk in his room. He pulled out a small leather notebook, he had it when they came here from earth. He opened it up and on the first page found the suicide note he was going to use when they were back on earth, but he ripped those pages out and tossed them into his garbage can and began writing a new one. By the time he was done writing the note it was almost dinner so he left it on the desk in all it's tearstained and went into his bathroom. Lance started filling up his bathtub, after it was full enough to his content he undressed all the way to his boxers and grabbed the blade from his bathroom counter and sat down into the water tears still falling down his face. He was just about to cut when he heard a knock at his front door. Lance panicked and started cutting eventually becoming deeper. He then heard a knock at his bathroom door(thank god it was locked) but at this point Lance had several deep cuts that were turning the water a slight twinge of orange. When his bathroom was busted open the last thing lance thought was I've finally made my last mistake" And then he blacked out
Tbc….