"Faithless is he who walks away
when the road darkens."
J.R.R Tolkien
Olivia Benson has never done well with change. There's just something about completely altering ones life that never really boded well with her. Whenever a long time ADA left them, it hurt her. Whenever a relationship that seemed like it was actually going somewhere ended, it hurt her. When her mother died, it caused her so much more pain than she let on at the time. When Calvin was taken from her, it felt almost as if her world was being ripped from her grasp. But this... This is different. This is a whole new level of agony, one that seems to have replaced the blood in her veins and the air within her lungs. She can feel his absence, so much so that the pain it brings could cripple her if she allowed it to linger for too long. This change, it's far too much for her to bare. Not only has her best friend- the man she was and still is desperately in love with- abandoned her, but now the captain is trying to replace him with her. The blonde rookie, who seems greener than a football field, that somehow managed to get transferred all the way up to Manhattan from Atlanta. The seasoned detective rolls her eyes just thinking about it. She redirects her attention to the DD5 she was filling out before her thoughts had been taken elsewhere, trying her damnedest to focus on anything but her inner turmoil. She can scream and cry later, when she is home, alone. Olivia had actually made a significant amount of progress on her paperwork... That is, until she was interrupted by a thud. Something heavy was just dropped onto the desk across from her.
"It's fine Rollins, you can just leave it there for now till you get everything else sorted out." Fin says to the young detective kindly. The brunette's heart rate spikes upon analyzing the situation. He's allowing that kid to store her stuff on his desk. Elliot's desk. Her narrowed eyes flicker from the two conversing detectives over to the offending box, which looks so foreign piled on top of her partner's belongings.
No. Oh no. No no no no no. She's managed to hold everything in, to bottle up every bitter remark that's popped into her mind ever since that girl waltzed in here a little over a week ago, but she can't handle this. Encroaching on Elliot Stabler's space is where the line must be drawn. Slowly, Olivia rises from her chair, her fingers gripping the edge of her desktop so tightly that the tanned skin on her knuckles has gone completely white. Her heated gaze never lifts from the box as she rounds her desk, moving to the one directly across from it where it's poised. She wants to throw it, to send it cascading into the nearest wall and watch the contents fly about the bullpen. But doing that would only show how truly damaged she is; it would demonstrate that she's so fucked up, she would destroy an innocent detective's belongings. So she grasps the sides, her hold on the box so tight that her manicured nails leave crescent shaped imprints in the cardboard. The detective then pivots, meeting the bewildered stares of her friend and his new partner. She approaches them with as much calm as she can muster.
"You can't put this there." She admonishes, ignoring the girl and instead looking pointedly at Fin. The man stares back at her, his expression soft and his eyes shining with sympathy. He pities her.
"Come on Liv, don't do this... Not right now." He pleads quietly so as not to make a scene. Olivia casts a glare at the blonde planted next to him, noticing the flash of fear in the detective's blue eyes.
"You can put your stuff where ever the hell you like, but never touch that desk." She states through gritted teeth, thrusting the box into the rookie's arms. Rollins stumbles backwards from the force but manages to keep her balance, holding the box tightly against her whilst looking up to Fin for assistance. The male detective is really the only friend she's gained since arriving in Manhattan; he also seems to be the only one who isn't daunted by Olivia Benson. He pulls his gaze from his friend of over eleven years and looks over at Amanda, sighing upon seeing the plea for help in the young woman's eyes.
"Olivia," he asserts in a tone much colder than before, his eyes icy as he turns back to her, "Elliot has been gone for three months. He doesn't need that desk anymore." His voice is firm, showing none of his previous sympathy.
"She doesn't need it either. She has her own desk, over here." She snaps before turning away, as if to say that this conversation is over. Fin, who isn't known for backing down so easily, advances forwards.
"You can't keep a shrine set up here for that bastard! Just accept the fact that he's gone; that he's never coming back and move the fuck on Benson!" He shouts, loud enough to gain the attention of the entire squad room. Her entire body goes rigid, frozen in the center of the SVU bullpen. The room is quiet, eerily so.
"Move on?" Olivia's voice splits the silence, her body whipping around to face him once again. "Move on?" Her voice has a disheartening level of betrayal within it, her eyes glittering with rebellious tears. How could he say that to her? How could he possibly expect her to simply move on from something like this? He'd been there for almost their entire partnership, he saw how close they were. He knows that she loves him.
"Guys, that's enough." John Munch breaks in, approaching the small group. He stands in between the two detectives, placing a hand on either of their shoulders in an effort to diffuse the situation. Olivia shrugs him off of her and brusquely walks back to her desk, snatching her phone and keys from one of the drawers. She exits the squad room and heads towards the elevators without another word.
"Was that really necessary, Fin?" John quires once the brunette is out of earshot.
"Someone had to say it, John. We can't let her have hope when there isn't any."
Immediately after locking the door to her apartment, Olivia Benson fled to the kitchen in search of alcohol. She spots a bottle of merlot first but quickly pushes past it, deciding that she would need something much stronger after the horrendous day she's had. She can't stop thinking about him and about how irreparably shattered she feels. She can't stop thinking about the last time they saw each other, here, in her home. When he showed up at her apartment, only week after the infamous shootout in their squad room. Constantly she's reminded of how he'd finally, after years of keeping her at arms length, confessed his love for her. Of how she'd revealed that she felt exactly the same for him. She can still feel the warmth of his lips when they pressed against her own and the pure, raw passion that had radiated between the both of them when their bodies connected. That night, for the first time in her life, Olivia Benson knew what it felt like to be truly loved by someone.
They both inhaled sharply when he first entered her, each of them remaining completely still as they tried to adjust to one another. Gently, he eased himself further inside of her, pressing his lips against hers to capture her moan.
"Stop it." She whispers to herself, grasping a bottle of vodka that had been shoved all the way to the back of her liquor cabinet. With a trembling hand, she pours the clear liquid into a tumbler, her breaths becoming uneven as her tears begin to fall. She grips the glass, staring down into the very void that sucked in her mother nearly eleven years ago. Her eyes slip shut at that thought but she doesn't allow herself to consider it any longer, instead lifting the rim to her lips and allowing the fiery liquid to burn it's way down her throat.
"Liv..." He groans against her hair, moving inside of her once more. She whimpers beneath him, her arms tightening around his neck at the intensity of the pleasure, "I love you so much, Olivia..."
Quickly, she slams the glass down onto the counter, this time snatching up the bottle instead. The sudden onslaught of memories is becoming far to much for her to handle and she can no longer resist the urge to expel them from her mind. Olivia presses the opening of the vodka bottle against her mouth, tilting it upwards and pouring the liquor down her throat until she can't take it any longer. She sputters and begins coughing violently, the bottle slipping from her hands and shattering against the floor. The detective attempts to move away from the mess but instead she stumbles, finding herself laying on the ground along side the shards of glass only seconds later.
Olivia's eyes flew open and, almost immediately, she realized how cold she was. She remembered falling asleep in his arms the night before, but... Her head shifted to find the space next to her empty and she could already feel the despair building up inside of her. There was a piece of paper resting atop the pillow he laid on the night before. She grabbed it and her heart was instantly destroyed by the two words glaring up at her.
"I'm sorry."
She brings her knees to her chest and tightly wraps her arms around them, figuring that she'll just stay on the kitchen floor for tonight. The weight of the world is crushing her, leaving her in such a weakened state. She doesn't want to go back to work. She doesn't want to deal with the memories brought on by the mere sight of his desk. She can't face Fin, not after their argument, not after feeling the full impact of the pain his words caused her. It isn't his fault though, she deserved everything he said to her after the way she acted.
"Move the fuck on Benson!"
"I love you Olivia."
The two voices echo within the confines of her mind, screaming at her from every angle. She can feel the soppy warmth of tears coursing down her cheeks accompanied by sporadic quakes coursing through her body, following each of her anguished sobs.
"I love you Olivia."
He loved her. He loved her.
But, he left her. He left her.
Tell me what you think...