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Bella sat on her purple bed, feeling the guilt wash over her. She should have listened to Alice. She should have cared that Edward was about to give up his own life because of the misunderstanding that she herself had died in the fall over the cliff, but for some strange reason when the moment came for her to make that snap decision to fly to Italy and save Edward, she stayed put. That supposedly romantic, Romeo move of him, didn't seem so romantic outside of the book's pages.
She felt the consequences of her actions take hold of her and the hole in her chest ripped so wide that it felt as though it were now taking up most of her body. She shuttered and let a scream tear up her throat. It was too late for a pillow to muffle the shriek so the neighborhood got a full taste of the fear and angst she felt. Her tears came in bucketfuls and her body felt numb with grief. Her arms started bleeding from her nails digging into her pale flesh as she held onto herself too hard. Her feet began to tingle since the tight fetal position she was in was restricting the blood flow from her ankles. It was all too much. Bella couldn't hold every emotion she was given without tearing herself apart. She wanted to love Edward with all her heart, but he left her. She wanted to hate Edward and give him some of the blood boiling anger he put inside her, but he was always there for her before. Bella wanted to give Jacob her whole being and allow his warmth to radiate into her heart and soothe the cold, merciless ache, but he would never be the Edward she had loved. Everything she thought she knew proved her wrong and every feeling she allowed herself to feel contradicted itself and let her down. She was a mess and she knew it, but she could never have the strength to fix it. She knew that about herself. If there was one word she could use to describe herself, it would be "weak," and she had the cold, hard evidence to prove it.
"Bella," Alice started, "he's going to kill himself." Bella knew that. This was the third time Alice had said it to her and she was sick of hearing it. Couldn't Alice take a hint and just leave her alone for once?
"So let him." Bella couldn't feel the monotone words as they escaped her lips. She had no feeling, no thought that was running through mind. She assumed it to be instinct, but then what was that screaming voice in the back of her head saying to go with Alice and save the love of her life? She couldn't decide. For the first time, it was Bella who walked away.
Bella continued to cry. She let all of those feelings bottled inside her come out in a rush of tears and indistinctive words. She knew now that her conscience, something she never had to worry about before, would be on her. She thought of all the things she should have done to protect Edward. She should have insisted on not having a party for her now insignificant birthday. She should have been the one to answer the phone when he called, worried that she had died. She should have gone with Alice to stop Edward, but it was too late now.
Bella was surprised that she could hear that small, light sound through her gasping and coughing and blubbering, but she did. That distinctive tap, tap, tap on her bedroom window put a stop to her hysterics. Jake, she thought. As much as she probably needed him at that moment, she couldn't bear to see him. She couldn't bear to see anybody, really. She looked out the window at the silhouette that was propped on the branch stretching from the tree outside her bedroom window. The full moon sitting in the clouds behind him set a white glow off his face. That's weird, she thought. Jacob is usually as dark as the night when he shows up this late. But because she could never deny Jacob entry, she approached the window and heard the click as she unlocked it and the familiar groan of metal fighting against metal as she shoved the window upward. The cold air stung her face where the tears were glistening on her sunken cheeks. She looked up at the figure that was merely a few feet away from her.
For the first time, she saw fear in Edward's eyes.