Prologue: A Dark and Stormy Night

(A/N: hay gays I meen guys sorru aboiut allk the typos I spiilleerd Mountian Doo GAYME FOOUL on mi compotre ans my fingres kep slipign of the keyes butt donut wory I ken just coppy-n-patse the rset of the sotry. Nyway I hpoe you gai's liek the sotrryy I worked really hrad on it. Ok les't goo! !)

A full moon shined brightly in the night sky over The City. Every alleyway was illuminated by its beautiful glow. Not even the sneakiest sneaker could hide from her gentle gaze. The bright light seemed to fill everyone in the town with a sense of peace, allowing them to, at least for a moment, forget about the horrible events of the day before. Yes, this was probably the worst night to commit a murder.

Too bad someone was committing a murder.

For lack of a better description, a fat man was running down a brightly lit alleyway. He wore a yellow hat, purple overalls, and white gloves, all of which were emblazoned with a purple "W". Did I mention he was fat, yet? Whoa nelly, he was fat! No offense to any fat people who could be reading this, but there's really no way to mention this character without saying he's fat. Oh, also he's a greedy little butt. That's why he had a bag of gold coins clutched under his arm.

His other arm clutched his stomach, where blood was leaking from a gruesome wound, ruining his carefully chosen purple overalls. He was running from something, clearly. Likely the same "something" that gave him fierce abdominal bleeding. And needless to say, the man was frightened when he turned a corner in the alleyway and found that "something" at the other end.

At the end of the alleyway was a brick wall. IN FRONT OF that brick wall was a streetlight, which had recently been torn out of the road and installed at the end of the alleyway. BELOW THAT STREET LIGHT, MASKED IN SHADOWS was a shadowy man, masked in shadows. The streetlight shined down even brighter than the moon moon moon, so all the fat guy could see below the streetlight was the silhouette of a man with a wide-brimmed hat. Also he had a trenchcoat probably.

The fat guy clutched his sack of gold tightly, and shouted at the man, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!1!1"

The scary man replied, "Give me my gold back, you jerk. I've been saving that up for a trip to Scotland."

The greedy man replied, "No way, Jose. This gold is mine now. IMMA GO TO SCOTLAND AND I'M GONNA BUY A BUNCH OF BAGPIPES AND YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY!"

"Heh… Don't worry, maybe you can play all the bagpipes you want in heaven."

Suddenly the silhouette guy pulled out A GUN and shot it at the fat man. He dodge rolled out of the way, and then ran back down the alleyway and down the corner.

The man waited a few seconds, and then smiled. "So, that's how it's gonna be… What a shame… I really did want to go to Scotland…" He pulled out a small switch, and pressed the only button on it with his thumb.

The peaceful night was ruined as a loud boom broke the tranquil silence. Those who were in the right place at the right time saw the source: a fiery explosion shooting upwards out of an alleyway in the heart of The City. No one knew if anyone was injured, and no one knew who detonated the explosive. But they did know one thing… The horrible events of the day before would not go away that quickly…

Chapter 1: The Seventh Murder

Date: Who Cares. Time: 12:35. Location: Edgeworth Law Offices.

When the bomb went off, the Edgeworth Law Offices was shrouded in shadows… As it should be. The bomb went off at, like, midnight. I mean, I'm not up that late, cause I have school. But, hey, if you wanna stay up all night, I'm not gonna complain. Not to your face at least.

Oops, I got sidetracked didn't I. Whoops. Yeah, that happens sometimes. My English teacher is always telling me not to do that, especially during essays. But what does she know? Once I broke into her desk and found out that she's actually a Russian spy, so English probably isn't even her first language. It is mine though, so that makes me better. HAH!

…Y'know what? Let's just start over from the beginning.

When the bomb went off, the Edgeworth Law Offices was shrouded in shadows, just as the only defense attorney working in the building was shrouded in pleasant dreams. Both of those things changed when the explosion woke him up. Now keep in mind that these offices were only about three blocks away from the explosion. That fact is important for several reasons.

Raymond Shields, trying to figure out why he was suddenly awake at midnight, opened the blinds in one solid motion. The moonlight lit the office room, and the scene outside. I'm too lazy to describe "the scene outside", but a bomb just went off, so you can probably figure out what's going on.

Looking out the window, Raymond noticed a familiar face: A monochromatic man in a grey bullet-riddled trenchcoat. He opened the window, and shouted, "Hey, Detective Badd! Would ya' mind tellin' ol' Uncle Ray what the HECK is goin' on right now?"

Detective Badd looked up to the second floor window Raymond was shouting from. In order to properly address him, Badd pulled out his lollipop and casually threw it into a trashcan twenty miles away. After this event was repeated twice in a slow-mo replay, Badd explained, "What do you think happened, you stupid idiot?! A bomb just flipping exploded and I'm gonna go investigate!"

"Mind if I tag along?" Ray asked.

"Yeah," Mr. Badd replied, "But only if you can make it down in less than a second."

"ok" Ray proclaimed. Then he jumped out the window, slid down one of those water things I honestly can't remember what they're called what the frick, hit the ground running, did a sick hoodslide, punched a guy in the face, did a sick backwards hoodslide, kicked a football clear to the the moon, and then finally landed in front of the Badd guy.

Badd sed, "Ok, you were about two seconds too slow, but now that you're down here you might as well come."

Raymond shouted, "Alright cool ONWARDS TO VICTORY!" Then they both ran into the nearby Suspicious Alleyway.

—

Date: Who Cares. Time: 12:40 PM. Location: Suspicious Alleyway.

A few feet into the alleyway, right around a right turn, the duo and some goofy police officers were met with a shocking surprise, and a cutscene, which showed the shocking surprise. Lying on the floor of the alleyway was a corpse. The victim, most certainly recently deceased, was wearing a yellow hat, purple overalls, and white gloves with a purple "W" emblazoned on them. It's kinda hard to tell though, because his overalls were soaked with blood, and his body was covered in black soot. Around the body were shreds of a burlap sack and several golden coins. The victim's jagged mustache had almost been singed clean off. The cutscene featured a bunch of zoom-ins on the victim's body while scary music played, sorta like the cutscenes in those Doggy Rapper games. Once the cutscene was over, Raymond Shields finally got his chance to scream like a little girl.

Badd shouted, "Oh my gosh Ray shut the fire up you're so loud the killer could still be here!"

"Fine," Ray replied, "Let's check out this body before the police arrive."

"But I am the police."

"Your Mom's the police."

Detective Badd ignored Ray and walked over to the body He leaned over and mumbled, "Hmm… I think I recognize this guy…"

Ray replied, "Check for an ID. Maybe he has a pilot's license or something."

Detective Badd shouted, "I know how to do my got-dang job!" as he checked the victim's overall pockets (those are a thing, right?). Eventually, he found a wallet, and he opened it up. Inside there was indeed a pilot's license. Badd put on gloves and pulled it out, then he stood up and exclaimed, "The victim's name is Wario Wario. I knew I'd seen him before!"

Raymond asked, "So, the victim was a fictional character… Hmm… Could it be… Quick, check for a sticky note!"

Detective Badd shouted, "I know how to do my got-dang job!" He then took a closer look at the victim's body, and eventually discovered a large sticky note on Wario's forehead. Sure enough, written on the sticky note with a pink glitter pen were the words, "Get rekt, m8!"

"I found it," Badd shouted, as he gave the sticky note to some forensic guy, "That all but confirms it. This is another one… The seventh REKT-er killing!"

Ray took off his hat, and held it to his chest solemnly. "Not again… Will this madness never cease? These killings are tearing our city apart!"

Now, some writers would use this opportunity to have some idiot go, "Who's that?" so we could drop some exposition on you goofballs who have no idea what's going on… Well, I can't do that. Y'see, EVERYONE in Japanifornia knew who the REKT-er Killer was, and if they didn't, they certainly knew of the effects he had on the general population. So, let's take a moment to let Raymond reflect on his situation, and explain things that way.

Raymond could still clearly remember the day of The Accident… It was really boring. He went to get his car washed and then he went back to the office and spent fifteen hours eating a single pie… Meanwhile, The Accident happened… Except it wasn't really an accident at all. A bunch of fictional characters just suddenly showed up in Japanifornia. No one knows how or why this happened, and I'm not telling you either. It happened, so you're just gonna have to deal with it.

People reacted to The Accident in many different ways. Some people were like, "Oh cool now I can talk to Fireman Sam." Others said, "oh ok iduncare" The last group was like, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" Unfortunately, the latter group outnumbered basically everyone else, and these fictional characters often had to deal with prejudice against them from Japanifornia residents. People mainly disliked the characters for often times being unrealistic, annoying, and, well, different. But the most infuriating thing was that these characters couldn't die of old age, and they didn't have to use the bathroom.

Arguably, the worst member of this latter group was an unknown person who murdered these fictional characters, often through ridiculous means, and then left a sticky note at the scene of the crime reading "Get rekt, m8!" As the body count rose, tensions between the fictional characters and the REAL HUMANITY {A/N: The AA characters are the "real people" in case that wasn't clear} rose as well. Several fictional characters would strike back on innocent people, believing them responsible for the REKT-er Killer's naughty actions. This all culminated in an epic Top 10 Anime Battle between the two sides in the town square the day before Wario's untimely demise. Neither side seemed to win, and all in all it was a big waste of time and just resulted in a lot of people getting injured, but the event caused everyone to be SCARRED. Okay, that's all for the exposition… Let's continue the STORY!

Raymond Shields replied, "So, how d'you think this one got killed anyway?"

Detective Badd leaned over Wario's body and mumbled, "HMMM… Judging by the condition of the body, it looks like he has a gunshot wound to the abdomen and an explosion wound to the everywhere… We'll have to wait for the coroner to arrive for more details…"

Raymond asked, "When will the coroner get here?"

"That's the wrong question," Detective Badd replied, "You should be asking, 'When will I find out what the coroner discovered?'" As we will soon discover, the answer to that question is "Chapter 3".

"Ok," Raymond replied, "Let's continue with the investigation."

There wasn't much else of note on or around Wario's body, other than a few maps of Scotland. However, Badd decided to take off his shoes and see if there was anything hidden there. Surprisingly, he found a skeleton key in his left shoe, and the other one had a crumpled up piece of paper shoved into the toe. Tyrell Badd unfurled the page, and Raymond looked at it over his shoulder.

Badd mumbled, "Hmm… This looks like a heist map…"

Indeed, the map consisted of a cross-section of a building with a red dashed line going all over the paper, sometimes through walls and once traversing to the other side of the map. There was also a large red X marked on one of the rooms in the center.

Raymond exclaimed, "Too bad it's not labelled… We have no idea where this building could be… It could even be my house!"

"I'll cross reference it with some blueprints… Maybe something will turn up."

Raymond, tired of standing around near the bombing site because there was still lots of smoke and it was making him queasy, noticed that the alleyway made another turn to the left a little farther down. He crawled over there like a super spy and peeked around the corner. Then, he gasped!

"Hey, Detective," Raymond shouted, "There's something kooky-crazy goin' on over here."

Badd replied, "That's what they said when you were born."

All the policemen started laughing really loudly at Badd's savage burn, and then one guy's face exploded. His body was taken away by some paramedics who had just arrived on the scene.

Raymond replied, "Really though, get off your lazy butt and look at this. It could be important."

"ok" Mr. Badd Man said, and he teleported over to the corner where Raymond Shields was. He looked around the corner, and saw that it led to a dead end. Oddly, there was a crooked streetlight right in front of the dead end, shining a bright light over the floor below it. Some of the paint was flaking off, especially near the center. There was nothing there though. "What the heck why is there a street light here?"

Mr. Shields snapped, "Maybe the killer hit Wario over the head with it!"

"Oh my gosh just once PLEASE think before you speak."

Ignoring him, Ray continued, "Hmm… It looks like this streetlight was removed and hastily replanted here… It obviously had SOMETHING to do with the crime… but what?"

Badd crossed his arms with lots of ANGST and replied, "That's for me to find out… and for you to WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE? Go back to sleep."

Raymond shouted, "BUT I'M WORKING ON THIS HERE CASE!"

"Not until you have a client, you're not," Badd replieD, "Until then, I don't wanna see your face on this crime scene! Oh, and take a shower. You smell like an outhouse filled to the brim with stinky underwear!"

Raymond took his hat off, shed a single manly tear, and replied, "Fine, man, I was done investigatin' anyway!"

With that unfortunate matter dealt with, Raymond Shields began the walk of shame back to the Edgeworth Law Offices. All of the police scrubs watched him, and cried a bunch at his misfortune. But crying in public had just been outlawed, so all the policemen had to get a timeout. Anyway, in about five seconds Raymond had made his way through the crowd of panicking townsfolk, climbed back up into his window, and finally gone back to sleep.

He dreamed about kittens.

With laser beams attached to their butts.

—

Date: Who Cares +1. Time: 8:00 AM. Location: Edgeworth Law Offices.

At about 8:00 A.M. PST, Raymond Shields awoke on the couch in his law office where he had slept. For some reason, the TV was turned on. Maybe Mr. Shields sleeps with the TV on like my grandmother does, or maybe he just sat on the remote by accident. Whatever the reason, the fact that it is on is undeniable.

"Why is the TV on?" Raymond Shields asked. But no one answered. Raymond Shields sighed at the lack of burglars in his office to answer his question, then grabbed his contacts and shoved them up his nose. His sight restored, Shields looked at the TV.

The TV was playing "Over a Barrel", a My Little Pony episode. Raymond Shields shouted, "NO I HATE THIS EPISODE!" and threw the remote at the TV. The channel changed to some news channel, where that giraffe guy from Zootopia was reporting. (Was that guy a giraffe? Iduncare)

The giraffe announced, "Just a day after the vicious brawl in the town square, Japanifornia has been plunged into yet another tragedy. Wario Wario, owner of the local bank and esteemed video game developer, was found dead today in an alleyway. It is believed he was killed by the explosion that broke the evening peace in Japanifornia last night."

Raymond Shields' hat flew up into the air then back down and he looked all shocked as he said, "OH NO! THAT GUY WAS BANK! I NEED TO WITHDRAW MY MONEY!"

Ignoring him, the giraffe continued, "After extensive investigation and the interrogation of witnesses, the police have made an arrest. Local comedian Roger Rabbit is currently being held in the Detention Center, awaiting trial." An image of the suspect, a white rabbit with red overalls and a goofy bowtie, appeared onscreen.

Raymond did the hat thing again, and shouted, "WAIT, WHAT!" Then, he fixed his hat, fastened his attorney's badge on, and then ran out the front door faster than The Flash.

TOO BEE CANTINYOOD