Note: Spoilers for earlier series episodes, up to The Girl Who Waited. Most of the chapter is set near the end of Let's Kill Hitler, but before Night Terrors. This story is... experimental and a very different look at the 'Doctor Who-fan gets sucked into the show' plot-line.
This was once two separate pieces but combined into one singular story, and both have been edited significantly since they were first written. Also, thanks go to x-Avarice-x for beta-ing the second chapter and giving constructive feedback.
The following handwritten account was discovered in the year 5204 in a long-abandoned storage container, and donated to the Royal Collection. It is of great importance even for just the mere mentions of the Doctor alone, but none are able to make complete sense of the majority of the text. Some truly believe the author's words, while others think the story to be nothing but the inane ramblings of a clearly mad individual.
Make of it what you will. Unfortunately, no traces of the author's identity have ever been found.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you could enter the universe of one of your favorite fandoms? Of course you have. There is multitudes of fan fiction, both good and bad, exploring such a premise. Most of them have an original character, which is the likeness of the author and shares his or her strengths but none of their weaknesses, and quite often have super powers and are just better than everyone else in every possible way.
Not I. In fact, I would destroy a thousand galaxies if I knew I had the slightest chance of ever returning home, but that is impossible. And the galaxies would have to be empty, of course.
My name? Well, that just isn't important anymore, because I have a new one and a new life, both of which I never wanted.
I simply went to sleep one night in my own bed, not knowing that was the last time I would ever see anyone I knew again.
And then, almost instantly, I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't move nor speak, but I could still see and hear, though both sight and sound was a blur. I tried to scream, but it was hopeless. There was nothing but bright golden light everywhere, but when it faded away my life changed forever.
"Legs, I've still got legs, good!"
No, just no. This was impossible, I'd thought.
I was the Doctor. Or more accurately, I was in the Doctor, but I couldn't do anything at all but observe. Do you know what it is like to have absolutely no feeling whatsoever, and nobody can hear or see you scream? I hope you never do.
I tried, in futile, to get the Doctor's attention all throughout the Prisoner Zero incident over and over again, but it was useless. I was trapped, likely forever, in the Doctor's head. It was like I'd wished on a Monkey's Paw to be a self-insertion and the wish took itself too literally.
Doctor Who became all too real, instead of just being something I'd watch and enjoy once a week.
I quickly discovered that I couldn't sleep, as I had no eyes of my own to close, but even when the Doctor sleeps (not quite as often as us lowly humans, but he still needs it) I was conscious the entire time and could see only blackness and hear the hum of the TARDIS. I needed to focus myself to try and stave off insanity for as long as possible. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I was able to mentally scream for days on end, or plead to the Doctor or the TARDIS or anyone, but nobody heard. I doubted that they ever would.
Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. I re-lived most of Series Five, plus many other adventures the viewers never got to see, through the Doctor's eyes and ears. Having nothing to do but watch, the Doctor unwillingly taught me somewhat how to fly the TARDIS, use and maintain a Sonic Screwdriver (in this case, it was nice that he tended to talk out loud to himself, or else I'd never know setting five from setting six-hundred and thirty-three, among others), and see many other rooms in the TARDIS that were never shown. The Doctor actually has a workshop where he builds all of his Screwdrivers and other devices and crap that he always seems to have just when the situation calls for them, and it was easily my favorite place by far.
On several occasions I'd seen him working there on what was most definitely the Screwdriver that he'd one day give to River Song, red settings and all. If I could have cried then, I probably would have, because it was quite a sad show to watch. He never knew, from his perspective, when the last time he'd ever see her would be, so he figured that he'd have to be ready just in case the time came before he expected it to happen.
Sometimes I feel sorry for the Doctor, and other times I want to kill him, but he can't help who he is. He really does try his best and things tend to go wrong around him, especially when predestination paradoxes are involved. Did I mention how much I hate predestination paradoxes?
I found that, after enough time, I was able to distance myself and sort-of go into a trance and not pay attention to whatever the Doctor was doing at the time. It was the closest I had to being free, but it never lasted long enough. One day, after I mentally hummed the theme song of Hawaii Five-O to myself for what seemed to be the fiftieth time, I'd noticed that it was getting close to The Pandorica Opens. I'd hoped that with the eventual universe destruction and reset, that I'd somehow either be freed or erased from existence.
I had been conscious for nearly a year, never tired or needing to sleep. It had been so long since I was able to feel anything at all.
Of course, with my luck, the Doctor flying the Pandorica into the exploding TARDIS didn't free me at all. For what seemed like a second, I swore that I was able to breathe and just feel again, but then I was back in the Doctor while he went through his backwards jaunt and telling little Amelia to remember. Though I hadn't done it in a while, I screamed in my thoughts as loudly as I could. I wanted out.
Then came Rory and Amy's wedding, another sighting of River saying how sorry she is, the events of A Christmas Carol… weeks and months passed once again. Instead of trying to escape my prison, I decided to just pay attention to the Doctor and his life as I never had before. It actually did help quite a bit with the overwhelming loneliness.
It turns out that the Doctor was gone for much longer than two years before he came back in The Impossible Astronaut for Rory and Amy. He was gone for well over ten. Rule One: The Doctor lies. Pity that I neglected that fact later on, as you will see.
During that time, he finally put the finishing touches on River's Screwdriver, and put it away in an ornate, golden box adorned with High Gallifreyan symbols which I couldn't read.
And so, I watched the first half of Series Six. It is truly much different than watching it on TV, I can say that much. That monstrous version of the Jennifer Lucas Ganger up close was something I never want to see or even think about again. But some time later, something extraordinary happened.
The Doctor died, and I along with him. Well, at least for about a minute or so, but that was enough. Of course, I knew that we weren't going to stay dead, but I never counted on what was about to happen.
It was at the point in Let's Kill Hitler where River would soon give up her remaining regenerations to revive the Doctor, and I was surrounded by a bright light and the Doctor was standing in front of me, but that wasn't what was truly shocking.
I could feel again… touch, breathe… even if it was mostly just a dying dream, it was so real. For over eleven (ironic, huh?) years I was trapped inside that Time Lord's mind, and I couldn't do anything at that moment but laugh and cry at the same time.
"Um, hello?"
The Doctor actually spoke to me!
"Hello."
"Who are you?"
I really didn't know how to answer him, but I knew there was little time to spare before he woke up. I only prayed that he wouldn't forget or think that I was just a hallucination!
"Doctor, you have to get me out of your head! I've been trapped in you for over eleven years, since your last regeneration, and you didn't know! I've tried so many damn times to get your attention but nothing has ever worked! Please, you have to try!"
"How can I help you? I'm dead! But why, of all people, am I being greeted by someone I've never even seen before? I think a better question is what are you? A Death Devourer? I thought the last of your lot was devoured itself by the Nightmare Child."
"There's no time for this! Doctor, you're going to be alright! And no, I'm not a Death Devourer or anything like that… you have to try! Please try, I'm begging you! Scan yourself with the TARDIS's interface and you'll know I'm telling the truth!"
"And what if you are? How am I supposed to get you out? And how do I know that you're not the Dream Lord, or some other dark part of me, wanting to come out?"
"Look," I said, walking right up to the Doctor and pushing him in the chest, "you have to trust me. I'll tell you some things you can't possibly know yet… you'll soon meet a little boy who wants to be saved from the monsters, and you'll see Amy thirty-six years older. And I know about Lake Silencio… don't give up hope, Doctor, because the universe itself seems to love you and will bend and twist and break to help you. Remember when you, when we were locked in the Pandorica and you were saved by yourself? Get. Me. OUT!"
Yes, I knew that I was acting like a bit of a jerk, but that could have been my only chance to ever speak to him. Before he could reply, a thought popped into my mind as of how I just might be able to escape! If it didn't work, I would die, but either outcome was fine at this point.
"Doctor, once you wake up, please use River's Screwdriver and download me into it. I know that you saved the Flesh that the Amy-Ganger was made of… you could make me a body and upload me into it! It's a longshot, but anything is better than what I have gone through!"
"There's no telling what could happen!" said The Doctor. He then shoved me away and threw his arms up into the air. "What you said is purely theoretical!"
"Please, Doctor! Doctor?"
He was beginning to fade, and so was I. Within moments he was going to be gone, and find River Song above him, and I was going to be stuck once again!
"NO! Doctor! Doc-"
It was all over. I'd gambled that the Doctor would actually listen to me, but it appeared that he didn't remember our conversation or he simply ignored me as a figment of his imagination.
Even though I was back to a state of non-feeling, I swear at that moment I could feel streams of tears running down my non-existent face. I didn't care about anything anymore, because all of my hopes were dashed. I ignored, to the best of my ability, the conversations between the Doctor, Rory and Amy about River, and hoped that I could somehow sink into and be absorbed by the Doctor's consciousness and fade into oblivion forever.
I'd barely noticed in my grief that the Doctor had indeed asked the TARDIS to scan him. It didn't take very long before I was proven correct… a second, human consciousness was detected within his brain! He remembered!
"Hmm…"
I remember thinking at him to just hurry up already, though I knew he couldn't hear me. He stared at the screen read-out for well over two minutes in deep thought, before Amy sauntered close to take a peek.
"Doctor, what is that?"
"I don't know, Amy. But I intend to find out. Stay here with Rory and River, there's something I have to do."
The next minute or so was a blur. I was so excited that I could barely think, and if I had a heart it would have been pounding out of control! I remember him entering his workshop and retrieving River's Sonic Screwdriver, staring and fiddling with it for a few moments (and dropping it on the floor when it slipped out of his hands, and I mentally groaned).
Finally, he pointed it at his right temple, and immediately everything went black.
Unconsciousness was something that I hadn't experienced in what seemed like forever, but it seemed as if no time had passed before I was awake again. But this time, I saw the Doctor, Rory and Amy towering above me, but above all else I'd noticed that I could feel softness against my back!
I could tell, glancing at the ceiling alone, that I was in the TARDIS's medical bay. Apparently, everything must have worked since I wasn't dead or a puddle of goop on the floor, but why were the three of them looking at me like I'd sprouted another head?
Dear Lord, don't tell me I have a second head! I'd thought.
Amy seemed to be a cross between frightened, disgusted and yet a bit curious. She was terrifying me with her glare, to the point I'd have sooner stared at a Weeping Angel than continue to look at her. Rory seemed to be neutral, though I could tell that he was also at unease. The Doctor wasn't much better than either of the married couple, but seemed to have an aura of sadness around him… or guilt.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry that it has to be this way."
Something went wrong! What wonderful luck I had!
Being that I was truly alive for the first time in over a decade, I was still coming out of what seemed like a long sleep and didn't notice some very obvious clues… at least not at first. I was covered in a plain, white sheet, but didn't pull it down right away. Oh no… I noticed something else that was a dead giveaway!
Since when did I have long, red hair?
I ran and twisted my fingers through it. My fingers… my hands, those weren't my hands! And I certainly don't wear nail polish!
I had a horrifying suspicion about what had happened, and the Doctor's words to me, but I didn't want to believe it.
And then I pulled the sheet down.
Jean coat, short jean skirt, very long legs… breasts. How didn't I notice the extra weight on my chest, or that something else was missing? Did I really forget who I used to be after so long that I didn't notice such simple facts as those?
Having my fears confirmed, I glanced upwards once more at Amy, who wore the exact clothes I did, and screamed uncontrollably and trembled and cried and thrashed in my bed. This wasn't happening!
I don't remember much else after that, besides something being pressed into my neck, and then sleep. Peaceful, blissful sleep. I do remember that I dreamed something, but cannot remember for the life of me what, but I do know that I never wanted to wake up again.
Screw the Astronaut. I wanted to strangle the life out of the Doctor as soon as I saw him, paradoxes be damned.
When I woke up later, he was still there, sitting in a chair next to my bedside. The others were gone, and I was relieved because I'd be rather uncomfortable around Amy, and she around me, for obvious reasons.
I demanded answers. The Doctor, guessing my intentions before I could even speak, began doing so almost immediately.
"You want to know why this happened, yes. Well, how do I explain this… only your mind... only your consciousness actually existed and I had no DNA to work with to form your body. River has already left, so it was just the three of us and I had to make a terrible choice. I'm so sorry."
That was it? My god, he was really something! I wasn't just about to accept that feeble explanation and move on. Ignoring the screams earlier, I was about to speak with the voice that I was going to have for the rest of my life. I took a few seconds to clear my throat before speaking.
"Doctor," I said, testing out Amy's voice for the first time, "why did you choose her, and not yourself or Rory? To misquote Lady Gaga, I wasn't born this way and I don't want to be this way! I'm supposed to be a guy, you bastard! And why couldn't you have combined Rory and Amy's DNA to make something unique?"
"Your body was formed from the DNA of the person to touch the Flesh first, and Rory actually had the idea to do what you said and it would have worked, but I said no. It was only Amy who touched it, and then I uploaded you. There wasn't any time, your neural relay was down to one bar and nearly gone and I just had no choice at all! You'll understand why later. I'm sorry."
"I hate you, Doctor. Sure, I am grateful to you for freeing me but I'll never forgive you for this! I actually trusted you, like the fool I was! I forgot Rule One because, for just one moment, I actually had hope which was something I lost for a long time!"
I continued to let the venom spew. "Amy and Rory are soon going to see you for just who and what you are, a liar and a destroyer. And you're going to break River's heart… oh sorry, you already have back in your last life! I feel truly sorry for that woman! And let us not mention poor Donna, or Martha, or Rose, or Romana, or-"
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!"
Truly, not in the eleven years I had been a part of him, had I ever seen the Doctor so angry. My scathing comments, especially regarding River and Donna, must have stirred up something in him. He was standing then, with his full height, and the whole room seemed to have darkened in that moment. He glared at me with pure, seething hatred and at that time I was truly afraid. I had provoked the Oncoming Storm and The Lonely God, and I was about to face his wrath as so many others had!
Immediately I let go of my anger, at least temporarily, and stood up to face him. I hoped that Rory and Amy didn't hear our outbursts, because it would just make things that much more difficult for everyone.
"Doctor, I… I'm sorry for what I said. I'm lucky to even be alive, and I treat my savior like he's a Dalek or something. But why? Why Amy?"
I realized that I had slipped, saying things about his former life and companions that I shouldn't possibly have known if I was only in his head since his eleventh incarnation, but he didn't press me about it right away.
"Spoilers. And no, I don't like saying it, and I hate what has happened to you as much as you do, but you'll know why some day."
"I'm still never going to forgive you, you know." I said.
The Doctor remained silent at that, but then started the conversation that I was dreading.
"You know things that you shouldn't. Either you are a liar and have been inside me for much longer than you said, or it's something else entirely. I'm only going to ask this once. Who or what are you?"
I decided that I wanted to be as honest as possible, but I wasn't going to blurt out the fact that he and everyone else were fictional characters where I came from.
"I'm from Earth, a much different one. We know much about you, your companions and your enemies. I wouldn't say it's a parallel universe, but one so very far away that I've always known I'd never be able to go back to. I'll never see any of my family or friends again, and I don't even have my original identity or gender anymore! I'm Amy Pond's clone, and I've never even cared much for Amy Pond! Oh, sorry… no offense, Doctor!"
"I… I really don't know what to say. From what you've said, you somehow came from another reality altogether which shouldn't be possible by any means. And please, keep the spoilers to yourself, particularly about River. You must never tell her or her parents what you know, or all of creation could collapse in upon itself!"
"Yes, I know that much! And I do know that I can't stay here! There was never another Amy Pond present for what's to come, except for that faster time-line thing… oh, spoilers. But I don't know what to do, or where to go! Definitely not the 21st century on Earth, since in this universe it's a plain horrible place to live. I've seen Torchwood to know that much."
The Doctor glanced at me strangely at my last words, and I lifted my eyebrows in response. Throughout most of the conversation, I seemed to have forgotten about the big problem that I was a girl, and would be so for the rest of my life, and figured that the Doctor was trying to take my mind off of it for a while. How he sees and plans so many things simultaneously is something that I can't comprehend… must be that Time Lord-mind of his. I had also noticed that I'd spoken with Amy's accent as well, and figured since it was because it had been such a long time since I had done so that I'd defaulted to it somehow. To this day I still don't know why, and I sound exactly like Amy when I talk... even my thoughts have a Scottish accent now. It's creepy, and I can barely remember what my old voice used to sound like, let alone my old life.
"How about the 52nd century?" asked The Doctor. "We haven't left into the Vortex yet, but I can't let you go off into that hospital with River still there, and empty-handed. No, I think I'll take you somewhere else. What do you think?"
The 52nd century? Well, anything was better than the past eleven years, and it would be something new. At the mention of River, it occurred to me that she might have known about me all along and didn't give even the slightest clue to the Doctor, or at least not anything that I could be certain of. River was a real tricky one, basically a female version of the Doctor that you could trust one moment and loathe the next.
"That… that might be a good idea, Doctor. I just need to get a few things before I leave. Don't worry, I know where everything is."
He didn't say anything more, and I walked as steadily as my new legs could take me out of the room. I'm lucky that I didn't need to re-learn how to walk, or talk, or anything else, after not having done so for a long time. As soon as I was out of the medical bay and a good way down the hall, I leaned with my back to the wall and slid down to the floor and cried. Cried about what I had lost, and what I had recovered.
Above all else, I was free. Of course, it wasn't quite in the way I had expected. The figurative Monkey's Paw had struck again, and yes, I was free… in a Flesh-copy of Amy Pond for the rest of my life!
I'd choose a new name later. At that point I just wanted to get out of there, so I composed myself as best as I could, pulled myself to my feet, and headed for the Doctor's workshop.
I nicked myself a Psychic Paper and a copy of Eleven's Sonic Screwdriver. Even if he minded, I didn't care, because he wouldn't be getting them back. I needed something to get me started, with whatever it was I was going to do, but I didn't know what. Better to be prepared in any case, I'd thought.
Next, I decided to get myself some new clothes. I was, to put it mildly, rather uncomfortable at what I wore, and a few minutes later I had picked out a simple, modest outfit. Stripping down to change into it was… awkward and embarrassing, especially in front of the mirror. Like it or not, I had to get used to it. Also, I found the Tenth Doctor's brown long coat, and on a whim tried it on. It didn't look half bad, so I took it for my own, and pocketed the two other items I had 'borrowed'.
Once I had made my way to the main console room, the Doctor eyed me a bit in surprise for a few seconds (probably over his old coat). Rory and Amy said nothing, because in actuality they probably didn't really have anything to say to me. I just nodded to them, and they did so in return.
"Doctor, don't take this the wrong way, but I hope that I don't see you again. Goodbye."
He didn't reply, but a small smile formed at the corners of his mouth, after which I turned around and left through the double doors into the new world outside. At a distance, I could see the Statue of Liberty (which I later found out wasn't the original since it had been destroyed in the 24th century, but a replica), and immediately knew I was on Earth, in New York.
The TARDIS then began to dematerialize, and I spun around just in time to see it completely fade away. My stomach groaned, and I realized that I hadn't eaten in eleven years.
Food first, what I was going to do with my life... later.
Contrary to what I'd wished, over four years later I did see the Doctor again, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Do you know all those bad web comics and gender-switch stories where the victim ends up liking what happened to them, and they end up falling in love with a man and have kids and everything is just so much better?
They're horribly inaccurate. If any of those authors had to experience what I did, they'd be singing a much different song. Face it, Amy is a beautiful and very attractive woman, and I've had to fend off more than a fair share of guys. There is a constant battle daily between my mind and body, one that I fear I'll eventually succumb to, but so far I have remained steady. To this day, I still don't think that what happened to me was a blessing, nor do I like it. But I have accepted it, which is a much different thing, and I'm actually living somewhat of a normal life.
It really wasn't the Doctor's fault after all.
It was mine, in a way.
I went to the Sisters of the Infinite Schism since I had lost my left hand, and it was renowned for being the greatest hospital in the universe. They could regrow it in a matter of hours. Just how I actually lost my hand is a long story to tell, but the short version is that it involved a Cyberman, and it's now dead.
As I sat in one of many waiting rooms, waiting for my number to be called, to my surprise the Doctor came and sat right beside me.
"Hello."
"Doctor? What are you doing here?" I said.
"I don't think you're a future Amy, but I can't be sure yet. Are you a future Amy?"
"No."
"Of course not. Timey-wimey and all that, but now I know the choice I have to make. I still have you inside of this right now."
Out of a pocket, he removed River Song's Sonic Screwdriver. Three bars remained on the neural relay, and precisely at that moment it flickered and reduced to a mere two.
Oh my god! Not one of these stupid paradoxes!
An eerie chill flowed over me at that time, because I realized that this was the same very day that they brought River Song to this hospital. I had forgotten the year that event took place, so I never noticed that the Doctor dropped me off four years before that!
I sighed heavily.
"Go and do it, Doctor, before you run out of time. And… I forgive you, Doctor, and I'm sorry for what I'm going to say to you when I wake up later on. It was my own fault all along, stupid paradox! I'm so sorry… is time always this hard to deal with?"
"Yes. And it wasn't your fault. Time is a cruel and harsh mistress."
"Here, let me boost the signal amplitude… setting sixty-four." I said, while I pulled out my own Sonic Screwdriver and aimed it at the one he held. Two bars soon boosted to three, and I breathed a small sigh of relief. A past version of me was in there!
"Where did you get that?"
"Out of your cold, dead hands. No, seriously, I just took it out of your workshop… you have like a million of them anyway! Doctor… when this is all over, you have to leave the other me on Earth over four years in the past, to complete the loop. I'm… doing okay now, and I thank you for listening to me and getting me out of your head."
After pocketing my Screwdriver, I held out my good (at the time, my only) hand for a handshake, which he quickly returned.
"I lost a hand once. Cut off by a Sycorax on Christmas Day. You?"
"Fight with a Cyberman. It lost more than a hand."
"Number eighty!" said the receptionist, who sat behind a counter across the vast room. I stood and made my way past a few wounded Judoon, and turned around slightly to face the Doctor who was still sitting in his chair.
"Well, it's my turn, and I guess this is goodbye. Now get back to the TARDIS before I die in that thing! And Doctor, I'm going to be very cross with you and make you angry when I wake up. I don't like you when you're angry, so please don't hold what I say against me. Doctor, I've spent eleven years being a part of you, and even though it's only a drop in the bucket for you, I understand the horrible decisions you have to make every day. Time is a Lord over you, and not the other way around."
And after the events of that day, I've never seen the Doctor since then. I've heard of him countless times, of his countless victories and exploits and in some cases, the sheer terror he represented. But what few realized was that everyone was controlled by Time, and had his or her parts to play, whether they liked what was allotted to them or not.
Time had taken River away from the Doctor before he had ever known her, before he had ever loved her… and each and every day was burdened at her eventual death that he could not change.
I had met her before, who mistakenly at first thought I was her mother, but the differences quickly became apparent. Ironically, we met on the very eve of her expedition to the Library. What I found odd about the whole situation was that, as best as I could remember, those episodes took place in the 51st century... over a hundred years ago. The only reason that she was even in this century at all was because it was the time period that the Doctor had taken her to the famous Singing Towers of Darillium, and later to a dinner on Earth. It was pure coincidence that we were even in the same area and came across each other, and I'd just barely missed seeing the Doctor. It was both the first and last time I'd ever speak to River Song. Rest in peace, River.
Time, for whatever reason, pulled me out of my own universe and I became who I am because the Doctor saw my future self, and had no choice but to do what he did. And despite what I had claimed years ago, I had forgiven him after all.
For indeed, we are all victims of Time.
And now, dear reader, do you still think about being a self-insert? Be careful what you wish for, and let no idle thoughts take root in your mind, for you never know…
They just might come true.