Dedicated to all my reviewers – you know who you are :-)
Why Buffy Summers cut her hair.
"No Spike, I'm not going to sleep with you!" Buffy Summers yelled.
Spike looked quite bored at Buffy's new tantrum.
"Why not bitch?" Spike asked, clearly confused.
"Well for a start, you keep calling me bitch!" she said, putting her hands on her hips and jutting her head to the side.
"It's a pet name." he drawled. Buffy smiled at the idea of having a pet name and started singing 'bitchy bitchy bitch!' to herself. Spike rolled his eyes at her eccentricity.
"Ok love, now we've gotten over that little obstacle, shall we…" he nodded in the bed's general direction.
"No Spike!" she yelled again, stamping her feet.
"What is it this time?" he asked, leaning on the wall suddenly realizing this could take a while.
"I am not sleeping with a vampire God damnit!"
"You slept with Angel." He huffed, making faces.
"That was different!"
"How?" Buffy shot Spike one of those all-knowing piercing glares.
"That was an entirely different series!" she yelled.
"Well who says we can't do a re-run of that series then?"
"Uh, hello! You vampire, me slayer!" she said, half-quoting Tarzan. It was quite disturbing how a grown woman acted out scenes from the children's movie. Especially the tree swinging … nasty.
"Then why haven't you killed me already?" he asked incredulously.
"For reasons not entirely explained!" she stated simply.
"Oh. Fair enough." He said, shrugging. After a few silent moments, he decided to try again.
"So, no chance at all then?" he inquired hopefully.
"How many times Spike?" she screeched.
"Oh I don't really mind, you can choose." He said happily.
"No!"
"Ok then I'll choose." He said, shrugging and lighting a cigarette.
Buffy threw her hands in the air and Spike cowered, expecting a thunder bolt to come down on him or something. Then he remembered she wasn't the witch – just the slayer - and sat up straight again.
"Look Spike," Buffy said in a calm tone. She leaned in close to him.
"The only chance you ever had with me was when I was unconscious."
She looked at him venomously, expecting some sort of reaction. She wasn't too pleased with the one she got.
Spike took a long drag from his cigarette.
"Yeah, you said that before love." He dropped the cigarette and stood on it.
"Oh" Buffy looked heart broken. "Really?"
Spike was lighting up another cigarette. "Mmm." He said, nodding.
"Damn. I'm such a doofus." She said, folding her arms and huffing…again.
"Yeah. But hey don't worry about it, it was a good line the first time." He reassured her.
"Thank you, I thought it up myself!" she added cheerily.
"Anyways love, I'd better get going." Spike said, standing up and dusting his clothes off. Buffy looked a bit upset and stood up also.
"What? Bu…But aren't you going to try to get me to sleep with you some more?"
"Nah, Willow and I had kind of talked about making a go at things, I'll go for that. I was just seeing if you would crack, but you're more than welcome to come to our wedding next spring if you want. It's at night, obviously, but -"
Buffy interrupted him.
"What? You and Willow are getting married? But what about Tara?" she said, shocked.
"Oh she's with Xander. Lovely couple they make."
"Xander! But what about Anya?"
"Yeah, Anya. Tell me, do you remember Darla?"
"Darla! Anya and Darla are gay? But what about Angel?"
"He and Harmony got together." He seethed.
"Harmony? Oh my God. Anything else I should know?"
"You forgot about your sister." He pointed out.
"Dawn?" she screamed.
"The very one."
"Who the hell is she with?"
"Ben. Long story, don't ask."
"Ben? What kind of crazy place is this?"
"Yeah it's quite twisted." He stated casually.
"Oh and in case you're wondering," he added on as an afterthought. "Oz and Drusilla got together."
Buffy looked blank.
"That's just scary." She said quietly.
"Wait a minute…" she said suspiciously. "What about Giles?"
"Ah yes, Giles. He's hooked up with our friend Faith."
All colour left Buffy's face.
"Faith?" she croaked. Spike began to notice a pattern - he said a name, she said it again. And the point of that was…?
"But if Faith and Giles are together, what about what's-her-face? Miss Calendar?"
"Who knows? Who cares?" Spike asked.
"Yeah." Buffy sighed wistfully. The two sat in silence for the next few minutes, thinking about how little they thought about Miss Calendar.
"Why did nobody tell me any of this?" she asked, genuinely hurt.
"Well you've got to admit Buff, you tend to storm out of places with people's sentences hanging in the air. You do that a lot. Actually, we've now nicknamed it the "Buffy Exit"." Spike laughed at his little joke.
"Since when do you willingly hang out with my friends?" she asked quizzically.
"Since you stopped." He stated bluntly.
"Oh."
"Actually, Xander and I have great fun at my crib watching the football. The others join us sometimes. Hey did you know Giles is a trained Sumo Wrestler?"
"No." she said, slightly cringing at the thought of her watcher in a sumo wrestling outfit. Well come on, it's weird.
"You know what Spike?" she said suddenly, taking off her jacket and throwing it to the side.
"What?" he asked, frowning at his chipped nail polish.
"I've changed my mind. I will sleep with you after all."
"No thanks." He said, throwing her coat back to her.
"Hey!" she whined as it fell at her feet. "Why not?"
"I told you, I was just seeing if you'd crack. I'm off to find Willow." He started walking away.
"But that's not fair!" she cried.
Spike turned around to face her.
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Well, if it weren't for Willow…would you…?" she asked, this time she left the sentence hanging.
"Erm, probably not. It would depend how pissed I was."
"What's so repulsive about me?" she whimpered.
"Nothing." He shifted awkwardly.
"Well what would be the first step to you liking me again?"
"Again?" he asked, bemused.
"Ok, just ever then." She sighed.
"Well…." He started.
"What?" she was really eager.
"What's up with your hair, girl?" he blurted out.
"You don't like it?" she asked quietly, fingering her long blonde hair with the slight curl at the bottom.
"Nah not really." He shrugged and smiled apologetically.
"Oh. Ok." She said, a little upset.
With that, Spike left to find Willow and Buffy was left alone with her hair.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the real reason why Buffy Summers cut her hair. To screw spike.
The End.
A Little Note From Me: Ok so that's it! Hmm, ok I never intended it to be a masterpiece so please don't flame me! It was just a silly little thing I thought up at one o'clock this morning and it seemed funny then. But it doesn't now. Ah well. Oh and I wasn't sure if Harmony, Drusilla and Miss Calendar were still alive so please just humour me. And, as you probably figured out, it was before Tara died, before Xander and Anya's "Wedding" and before, surprise of all surprises, Buffy cut her hair and slept with Spike. I hated that hair see, the whole really straight then weird at the bottom. I don't know why, I just did. Lot's of other strange and confusing things too. I'm such a bad writer. Please check out my other stories – I've been told that they are acceptable!