TMA Chapter 1
**A/N: This is meant in no way to be offensive to any religion. I've just been reading a mythology book for AP English next year and I thought it would be funny if the newsies were gods. Also, all characters are Disney's except for the goddesses Kimi and Mondie, who are of course me and my best friend. Heh.**
One day, Pretty god Jack woke up with a crick in his neck. "Healer god Crutchy!" he shouted. "Help me get this crick out of my neck!" In a single bound, Healer god Crutchy leaped over from the other side of the Heavenly Lodging House with the aid of his Trusty Lightning Crutch. He began to hit Pretty god Jack in the neck with it. Soon, Pretty god Jack was in so much pain and so full of lightning that he no longer felt an ache in his neck. He turned to his faithful friend The Mirror, and gasped.
"My hair! My lovely, wonderful, dirty blond, Halo Of Death hair!" he screamed in horror. "It's all burned off! What have you DONE to me, Healer god Crutchy?"
"Sorry, Pretty god Jack," said Healer god Crutchy, bounding back across the room.
"Eek!" cried Pretty god Jack, beginning to experiment with different ways to wear his Magical Bandana around his head to hide his baldness. None of them worked. "My eyebrows are gone, too! Oh, the horror!" he screamed, and pretended to faint on his bed (after, of course, tying his Magical Bandana around his neck perfectly again).
Love god Mush walked over and hit Pretty god Jack in the arm. "Yo, wake up!" he said.
"Yo?" repeated Lazy god Snipeshooter.
"Yo?" repeated Glum-N-Dumb god Skittery.
"Yo-yo!" cried Love god Mush. "I shall create a yo-yo! It shall hypnotize all the purty goddesses in all of Newsie Heaven and make them love me! I shall call it – THE YO-YO OF LOVE!"
"Gasp!" gasped Hottie god Snoddy. "Not the yo-yo of love!"
"You're correct, it's not the 'yo-yo of love'," said Love god Mush in exasperation. "You need to capitalize the first letters to make it more important. It shall be the Yo-Yo Of Love!"
"Hey, Love god Mush," cried Gambler god Racetrack, "Ya wanna play me for the rights to that Yo-Yo Of Love?" He held out a hand of cards tauntingly.
"Uh… no?" said Love god Mush.
"Oh, okay," said Gambler god Racetrack, disappointed.
Pretty god Jack sat up on his bed. "HelLO!" he said, exasperated. "I'm having a DILEMMA with my HAIR and EYEBROWS." He rolled his eyes at the fact that no one but him was Properly Dismayed.
"Sorry, Pretty god Jack," the others said. "Newsie Manhattan Heaven will never be the same." They all said so in a bored monotone.
"Oh no!" Pretty god Jack shouted. "Fair goddess Sarah will NEVER love me if I am bald and ugly!" He began to cry.
"Relax, Pretty god Jack," said Love god Mush. "I know all the goddesses in Newsie Manhattan Heaven. I know tons of them who love bald and ugly guys if Fair goddess Sarah doesn't want you."
"Really?" sniffled Pretty god Jack.
"Actually, no," said Love god Mush. "But I'm sure there are some in Newsie Brooklyn Heaven…" Pretty god Jack began to wail again, for everyone knows that deep down he is terrified of Newsie Brooklyn Heaven.
"Why don't you just wear your Mystical Cowboy Hat?" suggested Acrobatic god Bumlets. "Fair goddess Sarah loves your Mystical Cowboy Hat."
"Ah, yes!" said Pretty god Jack. He pulled his Mystical Cowboy Hat on.
"Deah me!" cried Gambler god Racetrack. "What's that Blinding Light that has filled the Heavenly Lodging House?" He stumbled around a bit.
"Oh, I forgot," said Pretty god Jack, pulling the Mystical Cowboy Hat off. "Sorcerer Denton bewitched it for me so that if anyone wears it for one minute, they are transported to Newsie Santa Fe Heaven. And it also temporarily blinds everyone with a Blinding Light."
"Oooh, let me see!" cried Lazy god Snipeshooter, jumping up and running across the room. Everyone knows the only time he ever runs is to get at something that someone else has, because otherwise he is very, very lazy. He grabbed the Mystical Cowboy Hat and put it on his head. Pretty god Jack tried to catch him, but the Blinding Light temporarily blinded Pretty god Jack and after one minute, Lazy god Snipeshooter was transported away.
"It's okay," said Gambler god Racetrack. "He always stole my Triumph Cigars, anyhow." He put a Triumph Cigar into his mouth because he was triumphant that he could.
Pretty god Jack began to sob again. "Now what do I do?" he asked.
"I have the best idea!" shouted Love god Mush. Everyone looked at him. At that moment, two beautiful goddesses in pink dresses appeared. "Oh, sorry," said Love god Mush. "I'll have to tell ya later, I have a date with these two." He left the Heavenly Lodging House with the giggling goddesses.
Just then, a purple and teal Transport Bubble popped into the Heavenly Lodging House. In it was Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. Acrobatic god Bumlets backflipped over and, using his cane, began to Fantastically Fence with the Transport Bubble. It popped. Acrobatic god Bumlets pirouetted back to his bunk quickly and acrobatically and was sitting before Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon even registered what was happening.
"Who did that?!" sputtered Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "Was it YOU, Gambler god Racetrack? Or you, Healer god Crutchy? Hottie god Snoddy? Anonymous god Bald-Guy-Looking-Into-Pretty-god-Jack's-faithful-friend-The- Mirror? Or was it YOU, Acrobatic god Bumlets?" Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon inched toward Acrobatic god Bumlets, waving his Cane Of Terror and holding his No Mercy Slingshot.
To escape, Acrobatic god Bumlets jumped into the air and caught hold of the ceiling fan. He began to spin around and around.
"Oooooh!" said Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "For that acrobatic feat, I shall not harm you." He turned to Pretty god Jack. "Who are you?"
"It's me, Pretty god Jack," sniffled Pretty god Jack.
"His name is now Ugly god Jack," said Naming god Boots.
Ugly god Jack began to wail. "Healer god Crutchy did it!"
Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon advanced toward Healer god Crutchy.
"Eek!" squeaked Healer god Crutchy. "Pretty… I mean, Ugly god Jack told me to!"
"You shall feel the wrath of the Cane Of Terror!" cried Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "That is, unless you call on the aid of Fair goddess Sarah!"
"Fair goddess Sarah!" squeaked Healer god Crutchy. "Save me!"
Suddenly a hurricane blew into the Heavenly Lodging House, and on it rode Fair goddess Sarah on her Enchanted Piece Of Wood, straight from Newsie David's House Heaven. "What is it?" she asked.
"Bwahaha!" laughed Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon evilly. "Your Pretty god Jack is now Ugly god Jack! Look over yonder!"
"Why, all I see is an anonymous god Bald-Guy-Looking-Into-Pretty-god- Jack's-faithful-friend-The-Mirror," said Fair goddess Sarah.
"Hi, Fair goddess Sarah," said Ugly god Jack glumly.
Fair goddess Sarah shrieked. "Ewwww! He's ugly!" she screamed.
"Will you marry me, Fair goddess Sarah?" asked Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon.
"No, for Love god Mush is still far more attractive than you. I can have adorable little gods and goddesses with him," she answered. "Oh, Love god Mu-ush…" she called out.
"Nooooooooo!" cried Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "If that is so, then I shall have to – ENCHANTINGLY KIDNAP YOU!"
"No!" gasped all the Newsie gods.
"Yes!" laughed Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon.
"His name is now Crazy god Spot Conlon," said Naming god Boots.
At that moment, Love god Mush crashed through the door with the giggling pink goddesses. "A damsel in distress has called my name!" he yelled. "Who is it?"
"No, I just want to marry you," explained Fair goddess Sarah.
"Ohhhh," said Love god Mush. "Well, who doesn't?"
Pink goddess #1 Kimi squealed in delight. "It's Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon!"
"No, now he's Crazy god Spot Conlon," corrected Naming god Boots.
"Even better!" screamed Pink goddess #1 Kimi, throwing herself at Crazy god Spot Conlon's ankles.
"And she is now Psycho goddess Kimi," Naming god Boots said, scratching his head.
"Ahem!" said Crazy god Spot Conlon. "AS I WAS SAYING, I am now Enchantingly Kidnapping Fair goddess Sarah!" He grabbed his Key Of Doom from around his neck and drew a circle in the air. Then using his Cane Of Terror, he prodded the circle until it became a 3D bubble. He made a hole in the side and pushed Fair goddess Sarah into it. Psycho goddess Kimi was still on his ankles when he stepped in himself, so she went along too. Crazy god Spot Conlon spit on the inside of the Transport Bubble and yelled "NEWSIE BROOKLYN HEAVEN!" and the Transport Bubble disappeared.
"We must save Fair goddess Sarah!" Love god Mush said. "Come along, Author goddess Mondie!"
"Hey!" said Naming god Boots. "She was Pink goddess #2 Mondie! I am the one who comes up with the names around here, Love god Mush!"
"But I thought she should be the Recorder of our Magical Adventure!" said Love god Mush.
"Oh, okay," sighed Naming god Boots. "Author goddess Mondie it is."
"Come along, Naming god Boots! And Acrobatic god Bumlets! And Glum-N- Dumb god Skittery! Come, Sweet god Kid Blink! And Gambler god Racetrack! And Hottie god Snoddy! And Jack," said Love god Mush.
"HelLO!" yelled Ugly god Jack. "My name is not Just Jack!" He did a little dance and put his hands up next to his face. **A/N: I love Will & Grace hehe** "My name is Ugly god Jack! And I am NOT going anywhere without having Hair Implants of Wonder!"
"Okay, okay," said Love god Mush. Sorcerer Denton appeared and gave Ugly god Jack Fabio hair and Freddie Prinze Jr. eyebrows, making him, as Naming god Boots decreed, "Extremely Ugly god Jack."
And so the Magical Adventure began.
**Copyright © Mondie 2002**
**A/N: This is meant in no way to be offensive to any religion. I've just been reading a mythology book for AP English next year and I thought it would be funny if the newsies were gods. Also, all characters are Disney's except for the goddesses Kimi and Mondie, who are of course me and my best friend. Heh.**
One day, Pretty god Jack woke up with a crick in his neck. "Healer god Crutchy!" he shouted. "Help me get this crick out of my neck!" In a single bound, Healer god Crutchy leaped over from the other side of the Heavenly Lodging House with the aid of his Trusty Lightning Crutch. He began to hit Pretty god Jack in the neck with it. Soon, Pretty god Jack was in so much pain and so full of lightning that he no longer felt an ache in his neck. He turned to his faithful friend The Mirror, and gasped.
"My hair! My lovely, wonderful, dirty blond, Halo Of Death hair!" he screamed in horror. "It's all burned off! What have you DONE to me, Healer god Crutchy?"
"Sorry, Pretty god Jack," said Healer god Crutchy, bounding back across the room.
"Eek!" cried Pretty god Jack, beginning to experiment with different ways to wear his Magical Bandana around his head to hide his baldness. None of them worked. "My eyebrows are gone, too! Oh, the horror!" he screamed, and pretended to faint on his bed (after, of course, tying his Magical Bandana around his neck perfectly again).
Love god Mush walked over and hit Pretty god Jack in the arm. "Yo, wake up!" he said.
"Yo?" repeated Lazy god Snipeshooter.
"Yo?" repeated Glum-N-Dumb god Skittery.
"Yo-yo!" cried Love god Mush. "I shall create a yo-yo! It shall hypnotize all the purty goddesses in all of Newsie Heaven and make them love me! I shall call it – THE YO-YO OF LOVE!"
"Gasp!" gasped Hottie god Snoddy. "Not the yo-yo of love!"
"You're correct, it's not the 'yo-yo of love'," said Love god Mush in exasperation. "You need to capitalize the first letters to make it more important. It shall be the Yo-Yo Of Love!"
"Hey, Love god Mush," cried Gambler god Racetrack, "Ya wanna play me for the rights to that Yo-Yo Of Love?" He held out a hand of cards tauntingly.
"Uh… no?" said Love god Mush.
"Oh, okay," said Gambler god Racetrack, disappointed.
Pretty god Jack sat up on his bed. "HelLO!" he said, exasperated. "I'm having a DILEMMA with my HAIR and EYEBROWS." He rolled his eyes at the fact that no one but him was Properly Dismayed.
"Sorry, Pretty god Jack," the others said. "Newsie Manhattan Heaven will never be the same." They all said so in a bored monotone.
"Oh no!" Pretty god Jack shouted. "Fair goddess Sarah will NEVER love me if I am bald and ugly!" He began to cry.
"Relax, Pretty god Jack," said Love god Mush. "I know all the goddesses in Newsie Manhattan Heaven. I know tons of them who love bald and ugly guys if Fair goddess Sarah doesn't want you."
"Really?" sniffled Pretty god Jack.
"Actually, no," said Love god Mush. "But I'm sure there are some in Newsie Brooklyn Heaven…" Pretty god Jack began to wail again, for everyone knows that deep down he is terrified of Newsie Brooklyn Heaven.
"Why don't you just wear your Mystical Cowboy Hat?" suggested Acrobatic god Bumlets. "Fair goddess Sarah loves your Mystical Cowboy Hat."
"Ah, yes!" said Pretty god Jack. He pulled his Mystical Cowboy Hat on.
"Deah me!" cried Gambler god Racetrack. "What's that Blinding Light that has filled the Heavenly Lodging House?" He stumbled around a bit.
"Oh, I forgot," said Pretty god Jack, pulling the Mystical Cowboy Hat off. "Sorcerer Denton bewitched it for me so that if anyone wears it for one minute, they are transported to Newsie Santa Fe Heaven. And it also temporarily blinds everyone with a Blinding Light."
"Oooh, let me see!" cried Lazy god Snipeshooter, jumping up and running across the room. Everyone knows the only time he ever runs is to get at something that someone else has, because otherwise he is very, very lazy. He grabbed the Mystical Cowboy Hat and put it on his head. Pretty god Jack tried to catch him, but the Blinding Light temporarily blinded Pretty god Jack and after one minute, Lazy god Snipeshooter was transported away.
"It's okay," said Gambler god Racetrack. "He always stole my Triumph Cigars, anyhow." He put a Triumph Cigar into his mouth because he was triumphant that he could.
Pretty god Jack began to sob again. "Now what do I do?" he asked.
"I have the best idea!" shouted Love god Mush. Everyone looked at him. At that moment, two beautiful goddesses in pink dresses appeared. "Oh, sorry," said Love god Mush. "I'll have to tell ya later, I have a date with these two." He left the Heavenly Lodging House with the giggling goddesses.
Just then, a purple and teal Transport Bubble popped into the Heavenly Lodging House. In it was Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. Acrobatic god Bumlets backflipped over and, using his cane, began to Fantastically Fence with the Transport Bubble. It popped. Acrobatic god Bumlets pirouetted back to his bunk quickly and acrobatically and was sitting before Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon even registered what was happening.
"Who did that?!" sputtered Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "Was it YOU, Gambler god Racetrack? Or you, Healer god Crutchy? Hottie god Snoddy? Anonymous god Bald-Guy-Looking-Into-Pretty-god-Jack's-faithful-friend-The- Mirror? Or was it YOU, Acrobatic god Bumlets?" Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon inched toward Acrobatic god Bumlets, waving his Cane Of Terror and holding his No Mercy Slingshot.
To escape, Acrobatic god Bumlets jumped into the air and caught hold of the ceiling fan. He began to spin around and around.
"Oooooh!" said Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "For that acrobatic feat, I shall not harm you." He turned to Pretty god Jack. "Who are you?"
"It's me, Pretty god Jack," sniffled Pretty god Jack.
"His name is now Ugly god Jack," said Naming god Boots.
Ugly god Jack began to wail. "Healer god Crutchy did it!"
Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon advanced toward Healer god Crutchy.
"Eek!" squeaked Healer god Crutchy. "Pretty… I mean, Ugly god Jack told me to!"
"You shall feel the wrath of the Cane Of Terror!" cried Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "That is, unless you call on the aid of Fair goddess Sarah!"
"Fair goddess Sarah!" squeaked Healer god Crutchy. "Save me!"
Suddenly a hurricane blew into the Heavenly Lodging House, and on it rode Fair goddess Sarah on her Enchanted Piece Of Wood, straight from Newsie David's House Heaven. "What is it?" she asked.
"Bwahaha!" laughed Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon evilly. "Your Pretty god Jack is now Ugly god Jack! Look over yonder!"
"Why, all I see is an anonymous god Bald-Guy-Looking-Into-Pretty-god- Jack's-faithful-friend-The-Mirror," said Fair goddess Sarah.
"Hi, Fair goddess Sarah," said Ugly god Jack glumly.
Fair goddess Sarah shrieked. "Ewwww! He's ugly!" she screamed.
"Will you marry me, Fair goddess Sarah?" asked Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon.
"No, for Love god Mush is still far more attractive than you. I can have adorable little gods and goddesses with him," she answered. "Oh, Love god Mu-ush…" she called out.
"Nooooooooo!" cried Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon. "If that is so, then I shall have to – ENCHANTINGLY KIDNAP YOU!"
"No!" gasped all the Newsie gods.
"Yes!" laughed Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon.
"His name is now Crazy god Spot Conlon," said Naming god Boots.
At that moment, Love god Mush crashed through the door with the giggling pink goddesses. "A damsel in distress has called my name!" he yelled. "Who is it?"
"No, I just want to marry you," explained Fair goddess Sarah.
"Ohhhh," said Love god Mush. "Well, who doesn't?"
Pink goddess #1 Kimi squealed in delight. "It's Fear-Inducing god Spot Conlon!"
"No, now he's Crazy god Spot Conlon," corrected Naming god Boots.
"Even better!" screamed Pink goddess #1 Kimi, throwing herself at Crazy god Spot Conlon's ankles.
"And she is now Psycho goddess Kimi," Naming god Boots said, scratching his head.
"Ahem!" said Crazy god Spot Conlon. "AS I WAS SAYING, I am now Enchantingly Kidnapping Fair goddess Sarah!" He grabbed his Key Of Doom from around his neck and drew a circle in the air. Then using his Cane Of Terror, he prodded the circle until it became a 3D bubble. He made a hole in the side and pushed Fair goddess Sarah into it. Psycho goddess Kimi was still on his ankles when he stepped in himself, so she went along too. Crazy god Spot Conlon spit on the inside of the Transport Bubble and yelled "NEWSIE BROOKLYN HEAVEN!" and the Transport Bubble disappeared.
"We must save Fair goddess Sarah!" Love god Mush said. "Come along, Author goddess Mondie!"
"Hey!" said Naming god Boots. "She was Pink goddess #2 Mondie! I am the one who comes up with the names around here, Love god Mush!"
"But I thought she should be the Recorder of our Magical Adventure!" said Love god Mush.
"Oh, okay," sighed Naming god Boots. "Author goddess Mondie it is."
"Come along, Naming god Boots! And Acrobatic god Bumlets! And Glum-N- Dumb god Skittery! Come, Sweet god Kid Blink! And Gambler god Racetrack! And Hottie god Snoddy! And Jack," said Love god Mush.
"HelLO!" yelled Ugly god Jack. "My name is not Just Jack!" He did a little dance and put his hands up next to his face. **A/N: I love Will & Grace hehe** "My name is Ugly god Jack! And I am NOT going anywhere without having Hair Implants of Wonder!"
"Okay, okay," said Love god Mush. Sorcerer Denton appeared and gave Ugly god Jack Fabio hair and Freddie Prinze Jr. eyebrows, making him, as Naming god Boots decreed, "Extremely Ugly god Jack."
And so the Magical Adventure began.
**Copyright © Mondie 2002**