Raivis shivered, the cold air seeping in beneath his skin. Soaking his bones. Chilling, frosting, freezing and- and…. Damnit! He was too cold to think of anymore synonyms! Too cold, and too tired, and too… lonely. Yeah, he was lonely, and he hated himself for it. For wanting him. Even though he knew he shouldn't. It was wrong, it felt dirty, and the guilt would eat away at him. Every moment they spent together, it would slowly kill him. Still, he wanted more.
But he shouldn't. Because it wasn't fair. To any of them. Raivis slipped his hand out of the cocooned sheets he was wrapped in, heavy winter blanket draped over the messily tangled bundle. He wiped the tears away with his free hand, the salty liquid feeling as though it would freeze To his skin in the chill.
He kicked his feet, trying to push the feeling and warmth back into them. He closed his eyes, afraid to see the empty dark spread out before him, but behind his lids was the same picture. It was still dark and empty. And no matter how much he tried he couldn't escape the want. The want that creeped around his heart, hiding in the many dark places that the shallow love he was given just couldn't reach.
Could he even call it that? Could it even be close to being thought of as love. Of that, the small Latvian man wasn't sure. And that scared him. Those feeling he was given, no matter how shallow, no matter what they were, were the only thing tying Him to Raivis. And he wasn't ready to let go of that yet.
He kicked and twisted, writhing to his side in his cocoon of cotton, pressing his face into the pillow next to his, inhaling with all he had. The small of his lover invaded his senses, driving him wild with want and need that he was ashamed to admit to. He sniffed again, relishing the lingering scent of sunflowers and winter. His Smell. Ivan's smell. He stifled the whines begging their way out of his throat.
He was pathetic. The way he craved the rough, but still somehow sweet, way Ivan would take him. The way he needed the frigid embrace of a man who held no love for him. The way he loved the fact of knowing the snowy haired Russian was forbidden, but having him anyway. He knew it was wrong, and yet, it felt so right in the larger man's arms that Raivis hardly found the will to care when they were together.
The door to his room creaked, the smell of sunflowers and winter invading his nostrils. He held his breath as the bed dipped behind him, the covers being unraveled from around him, the frigid air biting into his exposed skin as Ivan slipped into bed with him. Both men divested of their clothing, skin bracing skin, the Latvian shuddered, loathing himself for the way he let this man make him feel.
"Raivis" A sultry whisper, teeth on his ear, breath on his neck and Raivis was lost, his ability to think as he had before slipping away with every nibble the Russian gave. He fought but he knew. From the beginning, he knew, it was a losing battle. He could never win, not when the other held so much power over him. He squirmed closer, satisfied at the moans as he pressed against Ivan more snugly. Cold, strong arms snaked around his waist pulling him impossibly closer.
"S-shouldn't you be home, with… with Natalia?" He whimpered as Ivan bit firmly down on his neck, but refused to let his question go, pulling away from the sweet mouth attempting to ravage him.
"Why?" Ivan purred, letting his Latvian slip partially away, moving to stroke his hand through the young man's hair. "Do you want me to leave?"
"You shouldn't be here," Raivis bit, avoiding the question "You should be home, with your Wife." The venom in his words surprised the blond, the loathing directed toward the innocent, ignorant bystander scaring him. Why should I hate her? Ivan pulled his hair, forcing the violet eyed man closer. He kissed him, forcefully, aggressively. Giving the Latvian no chance to push away, to say no. Ivan wouldn't let him think about things like this. It would only ruin their relationship.
What relationship? Ivan pushed that annoying voice to the back of his head. He wouldn't let anything take his Raivis away. Not his guilt, not Raivis' guilt, not his wife. Not anything. Raivis whined into the crushing kiss, and Ivan deepened it, kissing now for all he was worth. Trying to assure the Latvian man. To assure himself. He pulled back, looking with satisfaction into the lust clouded violet orbs of his lover.
He kissed his way down the Latvian's neck, marking him as his, and only his. He bit harshly on the new hickey drawing blood, lapping it up. He licked his way down the other's chest, rubbing his need through the flimsy boxers he had worn to bed. Raivis whimpered, eyes stinging with tears of regret that would no doubt ravage his frame later.
"I-Ivan," Nothing more than a whisper, but Ivan heard it just fine, instinctively knowing what the other wanted. What the other needed. Yes. Raivis needed him. "P-please." The stuttered plea was all it took to send Ivan over the edge. He ripped the Latvian's boxers away, taking him, roughly, ruthlessly.
Ivan collapsed onto the bed beside Raivis, taking enough care not to land on him. The room was filled with the pants of both men as their hearts slowed, beat by beat. I van pulled the covers over his lover before slipping back into his discarded clothes.
"I love you, Ivan" Raivis whispered, staring at his lover, refusing to let his tears fall, spilling his feelings to the Russian, even though he already knew the answer. He might as well of screamed his thoughts out loud; I have no feelings for you. Ivan smiled, but it didn't touch his eyes. It never did. He leaned to press a chaste kiss to his Latvian's forehead, whispering softly to the smaller man as he made his way out of the bedroom.
"Sleep, Raivis. I'll be back tomorrow night."
OXO
No, no lemon. Sorry. I can't write lemons. Maybe when I get better.