A/N: I wrote this for my friend's birthday…it was a rush job, to say the least. So, I apologize in advance if you experience any side effects, including, but not excluded to, severe headaches, internal bleeding, and nausea. This story hints at Akuroku and Soriku, so please, for those of you who do not like these kinds of things, avert your eyes, and press the back button. Thank you. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU. *Ahem*. Happy birthday Amy! :D
Axel and Roxas were walking down the hallways of the Castle that Never Was.
"Are you sure it'll work?" Roxas asked uncertainly.
"Of course it'll work! He's such a pushover!" Axel smirked.
"But I don't wa—" Roxas abruptly cut off as they walked into the kitchen to find Lexaeus sitting at the table, slowly eating his way through a bowl of cereal.
"Just do it," Axel hissed in Roxas' ear.
Roxas muttered darkly to himself, wondering why he always went along with Axel's "brilliant" ideas.
He grabbed a bowl and the last box of Lucky Charms. "I hope I get the prize! Megaman is my hero," he cooed, cringing inside.
Axel crossed his arms over his chest, and leaned against the counter, grinning.
Roxas began to pour the cereal into the bowl; a Megaman figurine landed on top. He snatched it up eagerly, setting the bowl aside. "MEGAMAN!" he exclaimed, his voice a higher pitch than normal.
Axel bit back his laughter, and "accidently" bumped into the switch that turns on the garbage disposal.
Roxas made himself jump at the sudden grinding noise, and dropped the figurine right into the garbage disposal. Megaman was sucked in, and soon disappeared.
"NOOOOOOOO MEGAMAN!" Roxas screeched.
Lexaeus looked up from his cereal, but continued to sit there.
Axel elbowed Roxas in the ribs as hard as he could. "Cry," he growled.
"I can't," Roxas whispered.
Lexaeus shot them a weird look, and Axel promptly slammed his fist into the side of Roxas' face.
"OW, YOU JERK!" Roxas began to tear up angrily.
A second later, Lexaeus was threatening Axel with his axe sword.
"Sorry!" Axel yelped, and ducked as Lexaeus tried to knock his head off his shoulders.
"Lexxxxxxxxxxyyyyyyy," Roxas whined, tears running down his face. "Megaman went down…down the drain!"
Lexaeus turned his attention away from Axel. "Don't worry, I'll get it," he said, his voice deep and reassuring.
He stuck his hand down the garbage disposal (which was now turned off). He smiled as he felt the head of the figurine, but that quickly vanished: he was stuck. No matter how hard he pulled, his hand was wedged in with the gunk of the drain.
Axel cracked up first, then Roxas. Lexaeus turned an angry shade of purple, sweat dotting his face, while he yanked upwards repeatedly.
He was there all day, because no one would help him…..
"Superior, I need your help!" he exclaimed.
Xemnas looked at him coolly. "I'm too busy practicing my speech for when Kingdom Hearts is finally mine. I'll get Saix in here."
"Saix!" Lexaeus groaned.
Saix began laughing…..then he left.
"Xigbar!"
"Oh my god….HAHAHAHA," Xigbar drawled. "Man, oh man, this is great!" He pulled out a camera and took several pictures of Lexaeus from many different angles.
Everyone in the castle either laughed their heads off at him, or ignored him completely.
"Lexaeus, I need some advice," Sora sat on the counter next to him.
"Superior, it's Sora!" Lexaeus called. Alas, he was ignored.
"You see, I think there's this Organization that is out to kill me and I think they kidnapped Kairi. Well, who cares about Kairi, I don't want to die! I know you're really good at karate, and I trust you completely since we met at the zoo, so I was wondering if you could be my body guard."
"If you get me out of here."
"Out of where?" Sora asked. He wasn't joking, he really had no idea what Lexaeus meant.
"Sora!" Kairi chose that moment to show up randomly and tackle Sora into a hug.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screamed, and bolted out of the kitchen, Kairi following right behind.
No one would help, and Lexaeus lost all hope. He ripped his own hand off, leaving the drain clogged with it. It was painful, but it had to be done. Blood sprinkled onto every surface, its crimson color reminding him of bows holding up girls' hair and of fruit punch.
He set off in a killing spree. He managed to kill everyone but Roxas and Axel before he died of blood loss.
Roxas and Axel were already in Canada.
Because it would be lame if they died.
They heard about the murders on the news.
"Do you think we went too far?" Roxas asked to Axel as they lounged around.
"Nah, now we have no one to bug us."
"You're right," Roxas smiled. He scooted closer to Axel on the couch to wrap him in a bear hug when—
"ROXASSSSSSSSSS!" His two stalkers-Naminé and Xion-appeared from behind the television and assaulted him with kisses.
"Why didn't he kill them too?" Roxas cried from behind the two attacking girls.
Roxas couldn't breathe; I'm going to die here…he thought.
"He can't kill children or women!" Axel yelled over the girly giggling. He frantically tried to form a plan…then he realized. "Oh god no."
Larxene jumped out from behind the couch and promptly sat on Axel's lap, not allowing him to move an inch.
"Larxene, get off!" Axel begged.
"NEVER!" she laughed cruelly. "You will be mine for eternity."
"NOOOOOO!" Axel and Roxas wept in union.
"I'll miss you buddy," Axel sobbed.
"Me too!" Roxas howled.
For they knew that they were destined to die in the hands of the creepy women stalkers. It was just a matter of time.
But then—
"I'll save you!"
Mickey burst into the room, doing a perfect back flip. He stabbed Larxene, then Naminé and Xion. They died swiftly, although the pain was agenizing.
"Mickey, you're our savior!" Axel and Roxas chimed.
Mickey winked and disappeared while the stalkers were still evaporating into the atmosphere.
"PLEASE KILL HER TOO!" Sora appeared out of nowhere, and chased after Mickey. Behind him was Kairi, the other women stalker of this story.
Mickey did so. He was just happy to help.
The End
Epilogue:
Pranks are now banned in 45 states
Mickey made a living as an assassin
Sora moved with Riku to Hawaii
Axel and Roxas live happily in Canada