I

Mom's friend Rayanne was a witch. Annie was absolutely positive of that. Annie knew all about witches. They wore black cloaks and robes and had wild, messy hair sometimes with curls, sometimes long and straight. Witches had pale white skin and black teeth. Rayanne wore layers of colorful skirts, tie-dye shirts and masses of beads and charms but she definitely wore a black coat and had long white hair with streaks of purple through it. Rayanne had white skin and wore pink eye shadow. And she had magic teeth that she could take out and clean in the kitchen sink! Witches rode brooms (Rayanne drove a green Volkswagen) and put spells on people. Annie hoped Rayanne wouldn't put a spell on her. She had already bewitched Annie's cat Jet. When Rayanne came to their house, Jet would magically appear and rub against Rayanne's leg. Sometimes Jet would jump onto Rayanne's lap and sit purring while Rayanne told Mom's fortune with her tarot cards. Tarot cards were another clue that Rayanne was a witch- she could read the future. She would sit in their kitchen and start humming and chanting, closing her eyes with her arms outstretched and calling for the spirits to guide her in her readings. Annie was terrified by all this and cringed behind her Mom, clinging to her sweater. Mom obviously didn't believe in witches. She would just laugh and tell Annie not to be such a scaredy -cat. Rayanne was just kidding and the reading was just for fun. Annie would look suspiciously from her place behind her mother and dare to glimpse furtively at Rayanne. Rayanne always saw her and would wink before rolling her eyes toward the ceiling, "Shhh!", she would say in a deep voice with her finger to her lips, "The spirits can smell your fear!" This generally caused Annie to flee the kitchen and hide under the stairs, blocking her ears with her hands and hoping that the spirits didn't answer back. Then Jet would come sniffing after her and look at her with his yellow eyes full of ghoulish wisdom. Yes, Jet definitely was under a spell and Rayanne was definitely a witch!

II

Annie would have to find more clues if she was to prove to everyone that Rayanne was a witch. She had once seen this show on TV about how if you wanted to prove someone was a witch you had to test if they could float in water. Annie decided to investigate by sounding witnesses to see if Rayanne could float.

"Can Rayannne swim?" she asked Nick one day on the way home from school.

"What? How should I know?" was all the response she got.

Nick was Annie's brother. Nick was 16 and in high school. Nick was on the football, swim and basketball teams. People said Nick was a jock. Nick was cool.

"Well," Annie decided to be logical, "You know Rayanne way longer than me so you could have seen her float, I mean swim, before me".

Nick just shook his head, "You're weird. Why couldn't I have a normal kid sister? Come on, Snoopy, Mom will have feed out for you in the barn."

Annie found being called Snoopy and allusions to her horsiness insulting- she was well aware she was a little nosey and that she was tall and gangly for her age. She hated how she was always put in the back row for school photos and was described as bony by her family. If Annie had a superpower, she decided it would be invisibility- then she definitely wouldn't stand out! Anyway, Nick was pretty horsey himself- 16 and 6'. Plus he had to eat a special protein diet for sports' training, Coach said so. Whenever he had a weird food requirement or needed extra helpings , he said it was because "Coach said so". Annie's Mom would sigh and say they were both eating her out of house and home. After dinner, Annie decided she would have a nap, do her homework and then investigate further. Napping was a luxury she still enjoyed because she was 8 1/2 and 'the baby of the family'. Normally Annie hated being called 'the baby' but today she was tired and the privilege of napping was too good to miss. She liked napping in her Mom's bed because it was bigger than hers so she could stretch out under Mom's huge quilt. Mom's room also smelled of perfume and lavender. Sometimes Annie would steal a few sprays of Mom's perfume and pretend she was Scarlett O'Hara in her boudoir. Annie loved the word 'boudoir'. It was what rich, pretty girls in hooped dresses called their bedrooms. Annie knew all about Scarlett O'Hara. Once when she was staying at Grandma's for Thanksgiving she had seen this movie with her in it and this guy with a weird moustache had gone off to fight the Yankees and Scarlett's best friend got sick and then Atlanta had burned down. Annie felt sorry for Scarlett- it must have really sucked to lose all her best dresses and jewels in a fire. Annie always made sure she turned off the lights in her room before she went out -she wasn't going to lose all her possessions like Scarlett had. During her nap, Annie dreamed that she was helping Scarlett to gather all her dresses and shoes for a big party before the fire. Cinderella was going to be there so Scarlett wanted to look her best. Scarlett chose a pink dress with little green flowers on it and some bright yellow shoes. Then Jet had appeared and turned a pumpkin into a coach with four Persian cats as horses. Scarlett thanked Jet and Annie and set off for the ball. Then suddenly a big storm cloud loomed on the horizon, there was a crack of thunder and Rayanne jumped down from the cloud with her broom! Annie awoke with a start! She blinked, sat up and decided if danger was close at hand. No, she was still in Mom's room and the light coming in the window was a little dimmer so it must be late evening. Ok, Rayanne was nowhere to be seen. Annie decided to check under the bed just in case. No, no evil presences there. Next, Annie chose to brave herself for further investigation by spraying some of Mom's perfume on her wrists. Surely, witches didn't like nice smells, right? Rayanne generally smelled of weird tobacco that gave Annie a headache. Annie inhaled the scent of lemon and flowers that came from Mom's perfume. Then she decided to match the perfume with some 'jewels' to be more like Scarlett at the ball. Mom's jewelry box was bright red and made of leather. Mom said it was "an heirloom" which meant that you had to wait till someone old died before you could use it. Annie opened the box and wondered if she should wear Mom's blue beads or the amethyst ring. She couldn't wear Mom's hooped earrings because she didn't have pierced ears. Annie had begged Mom to allow her get her ears pierced at the mall like all the' teenager' girls but Mom said no. She would have to wait till she was 14. Why 14? Annie had wanted to know but parents were weird about rules and Mom had said that she would be more 'mature' then. 'Mature' meant grown-up. Annie's friend Kayla had pierced ears and she was two months younger. Plus Kayla definitely wasn't mature because Annie knew she still wet the bed. It was useless explaining all this to Mom, though, as adults couldn't be reasoned with. Finally, Annie opted for both the beads and the ring. She was just examining Mom's collection of their baby teeth (given to Mom by the Tooth-fairy for safekeeping and kept in a heart-shaped old ring box) when she found some papers underneath she hadn't noticed before. Annie took them out and began to unfold and read the first one. It was Nick's birth certificate- oldish and yellow with his name written in black ink. Annie had seen this before and teased Nick about his middle name which was Isaac. Annie thought only old men were named Isaac. Her own birth cert was next, slightly less yellow and with less faded ink. 'Anne Patricia'. She knew that was Grandma's name so it didn't matter if it was old-fashioned. The last paper was even older than Nick's- much yellower and with weird squiggly writing. Annie was learning cursive at school but this was different. It was the kind of writing her cousin Stuart had- really hard to read with lots of ink spots. Annie squinted and moved to the window to try to read it better. "Dear Angela, I know in the past…..", it began. It seemed to be pretty disgusting really. Lots of things like "I'd go it hell for you" and "I hate a pen because it's not you". "Gross!", thought Annie, "How could a person be a pen?" It was clearly some lovey-dovey letter like a Valentine's card. Annie had found one Nick's girlfriend had written him and that was equally gross. How could Nick be sweet like sugar when he always smelled of sweat or peanut butter? Annie decided love letters made no sense. But the weirdest thing about the letter was the signature. She knew 'Angela' was Mom's name but who was 'Jordan Catalano' and why was he writing disgusting letters to her Mom? Annie reflected for a few minutes before the facts hit her with their full force! Annie was absolutely positive that Mom was having an affair with this 'Jordan'! Annie knew all about affairs…

III

Affairs were these things that happened all the time on TV shows. Annie's favorite TV show was 'The Bold and the Beautiful'. She was only allowed watch it when she was on vacation from school or ill. On 'The Bold and the Beautiful' people had affairs all the time. It meant that this really old rich guy with a beach house and a red Porsche or Ferrari was married to this really pretty young blonde lady with a mini-skirt and botox or something and then she kissed this young guy who was a doctor or a consultant or a contractor and then she fell in love with him and the next thing the old guy is standing at the door of his beach house while the young wife takes her suitcases and gets into the young doctor's car (normally another Porsche) and drives off. Then the old rich guy calls his lawyer in LA and says that he has no pre-nup (like a letter for giving money to the young lady) but the lawyer says not to worry, he's sure she'll settle out of court to avoid scandal. Annie wasn't sure what 'scandal' meant but she thought it had something to do with photos on the Internet and Us Weekly. She was definite about affairs though, on TV they always lead to divorce! Divorce was the scariest word Annie knew (apart from 'witch' and some bad words Nick said to ESPN when his team lost). Kayla's parents were divorced. This meant that Kayla's Mom and Dad lived in different houses and Kayla only saw her Dad on Thursdays and every second weekend. Kayla also had a stepmother who wasn't as evil as Cinderella's but still wasn't as nice as Kayla's Mom. Kayla's stepmother didn't wear mini-skirts but she did do yoga and made Kayla eat 'macrobiotically' which meant that Kayla couldn't eat candy at her Dad's house. Kayla said that divorce sucked but at least her parents didn't yell all the time now. Annie was confused. Her own parents hardly ever yelled except at Nick when he didn't clean his room or take out the trash. Annie couldn't remember Dad ever raising his voice to her or Mom. Even the time Dad had taken Nick and her to a football game when Annie was four. Dad had been mad at her that day but he didn't yell. Annie had gotten bored with all the noise in the stadium and decided it would be better to run out on the field and see what was taking the teams so long to appear. Dad and Nick must have chased after her because Dad caught her just as she was about to collide with this huge guy wearing a helmet and shoulder pads. Dad had said what she had done was very dangerous and she could have got trampled by the players. Nick had told her she was lucky she hadn't broken her arm or had to go to the ER. When Annie heard about the ER she knew what she had done was really bad. She said she was sorry and Dad had bought her cotton candy on the way home. Nick had been warned not to tell Mom about Annie's lucky escape but he had blabbed anyway and Mom had spoken to her at dinner about always sitting still at football games and holding her or Dad's hand when crossing the street. So, if even when she did something wrong, Mom and Dad didn't yell, why was Mom having an affair and when would she be getting a new stepmom?

IV

Because she knew how many affairs happened on TV, Annie was always on the lookout for strange men who talked to her Mom. Once when she and Mom were at the printer's collecting Nick's new team jerseys for school, this strange man had started talking to Mom. He had talked about his vacation to Italy or somewhere and Mom had said how much she had enjoyed visiting Rome with Aunt Danielle and Grandma when she was in college. Then the man had said how he and his family were going to Rome again that summer to visit his cousin. This was all too much for Annie! If this guy was going to continue to talk to Mom and eventually invite her to Italy, he'd better know that Mom was married!

"When's Dad getting home from work today?" Annie had asked loudly while pulling at Mom's purse to get her attention.

Mom looked puzzled, "Don't worry there's lots of time till dinner. Dad won't be home till 6:30".

Annie resented that Mom didn't take the hint and was thinking that Annie was merely hungry rather than trying to save her parents' marriage.

A few minutes later she tried again, "I hope Dad doesn't miss dinner if he's gets stuck in traffic".

Again Mom's perplexed expression followed by assurances that there was hardly any traffic today. Eventually the man had collected his order and Annie and Mom had been next in line. Annie made sure the man got into his car, left and was relieved he hadn't asked Mom for her phone number. Annie knew all about phone numbers. Maybe if she checked Mom's cell she would find Jordan Catalano's number? Then she would call him up and tell him to back off! Abandoning one witch-hunt for another, Annie decided to stalk downstairs and rummage in Mom's purse for her cell. She knew she was being nosey and a snoop but this was a question of divorce! She definitely didn't want to end up like Kayla- wetting the bed and eating keenwa !

V

"Snoopy's stealing your purse, Mom!" Nick's voice made Annie jump and before she had a chance to yell that she was NOT, Mom appeared from the office asking why they weren't doing homework. "Mine's done", replied Nick smugly, "Can I borrow the car and go to Amber's? She needs help with some history essay." Nick's girlfriend Amber always needed help with homework! Annie had once heard Dad refer to Amber as a 'bimbo'. 'Bimbo' meant a pretty blonde girl who never got As at school and wanted to go to beauty college. Although Amber was blonde, Mom said that Dad was being 'cruel' and 'judgmental'. Amber was a nice girl, not super bright but who was by Dad's high standards? Dad maintained that it wouldn't kill Amber to take a few AP classes and if Nick insisted on dating her, shouldn't they both want her to have some academic ambition? Academic ambition was highly overrated according to Mom and life experience and kindness towards your fellow humans were much more important, this last comment Mom emphasized by giving Dad a very pointed look. Annie knew all about Mom's looks- there was the 'sad look' that meant Annie had misbehaved and should feel very guilty, there was the happy, tearful look that meant Nick's team had won a sports trophy or a basketball game and there were strange looks Mom would give Dad when she was mad at him. Or happy. Annie couldn't always tell. Grown-ups could be hard to read. Maybe the yelling didn't matter so much for deciding about divorce, maybe it was the looks you had to watch out for! Annie decided to closely observe Mom and Dad in the future.

"Why were you looking in my purse, Anne?" Mom was calling her 'Anne'- a very bad sign! "Do you need extra money for lunch or something?"

Annie decided to take the easy way out, "No. I was just crying because I had a bad dream and wanted some Kleenex." Annie did her best to appear tearful.

Mom wasn't buying it, "Hmmm. You know there's tissues in the bathroom, right?"

Annie, still feigning tears, wrapped her arms around Mom's waist and began plotting her next move. To her surprise, Mom stroked her hair (something she NEVER did when she was mad) and asked Annie what was going on? She had been acting weird all evening: glancing suspiciously over her shoulder during dinner at Jet lying on the rug, creeping about upstairs after her nap and now this. Was Annie scared of someone or something? "Yes!" Annie thought and suddenly the tears weren't fake anymore, "I'm scared Mom is having an affair with someone named Jordan Catalano, she's going to leave us in his Ferrari and then she and Dad are going to get a divorce!

Instead she just said aloud, "I'm scared about Jet being made a wizard by witchcraft!" Mom burst out laughing! For a really long time! Annie could still feel her shaking with repressed giggles even after she looked up at Mom with her most reproachful pout.

"But that's not possible you silly-billy!" Mom finally began, "Jet is a cat, not Harry Potter!"

"Duh!" thought Annie, "I know Jet is not Harry Potter! But that doesn't stop him being able to be magic or possessed by a witch!" Wizards didn't always have to be human. Mom was very naïve.

"Well, Miss Hermione", Mom kneeled down and looked Annie in the eye, "It's not good to look in my purse without permission. If you need cash, all you have to do is ask!"

"Aha!" thought Annie, "A golden opportunity!" "Does that mean I can use your cell phone to call Kayla too?" she asked magically recovering from her tears. Although she had somehow managed to miss two chances at extra lunch money which she would kick herself for later, Annie was a girl on a mission! Harry Potter and Nancy Drew had nothing on her!

VI

The next phase of said mission involved pretending to call Kayla and then scrolling through Mom's cell phone contact list. Scrolling was hard. Sometimes, your finger went too fast and the list zapped by or you accidentally hit the wrong thing and were suddenly sending an email to Jet's vet or something. Annie was determined to concentrate and not miss the numbers for the letter 'C' and 'J' too. Annie was nothing if not thorough in her pursuit of Mom's divorce-causing correspondent. Mom was back working in her office, so Annie held a one-sided conversation with an imaginary Kayla while carefully looking at the entries first for 'C' and then 'J'… 'Jacqui', 'Jeff' ( Mom's editor at work), 'Jolene' (Annie's friend Liv's Mom), and then 'Jordan'! Proof! All Annie's suspicions had been correct! On TV, once you had gathered all your proof, you next had to speak to the guy and get what was called a 'confession'. Annie knew all about confessions. First the guy (usually a murderer but sometimes a bank robber or a terrorist) said he didn't know anything and he hadn't done anything. Then the lawyer or NCIS guy told him they had proof, then the guy usually started yelling or crying but sometimes he stayed really still and said he wasn't sorry. Annie hoped Jordan wouldn't do that. It would be much better if he did say sorry and that he'd never see Mom again. Annie decided to obtain Jordan's confession. She hit the green button on the screen and listened. The phone rang and rang and rang.

Eventually this guy answered :" Yeah?" He sounded sleepy even though it was only about 8pm and way before Annie's bedtime of 8:30. Was Jordan a napper too? "Yeah?" the voice said again. Silence. Annie was deciding strategy. "Err, hello? …Tino, is that you?"

"Who's Tino?" Annie blurted out without thinking.

"Errr, you're not Tino?"

"No", Annie decided to be bold, "This is Hermione Granger."

"Err, ok. What's up?"

"Are you Jordan Catalano?" Annie asked this in her most British voice to sound like Hermione.

"Yeah. Is this about child support or something ?"

"Eh... , no. How many kids do you have?"

"Two."

"Are you married?"

"Listen, eh, Enemy or whatever, I don't wanna be like rude or anything but you're not selling car insurance are you?"