That 70s Show: A 30,000 Foot High
SETTING: Airport gate.
CHARACTERS PRESENT:
Hyde
Jackie
Fezz
Donna
Kelso
INTERCOME VOICE
Now boarding Flight 207
HYDE
Well, in a little while, well be 30, 000 feet in the air. Bye-bye Wisconsin.
DONNA
Yeah, Our flights gonna be 8 hours long.
JACKIE
What is there to do for 8 hours?
INTERCOME VOICE
Facilities will be readily available upon boarding.
(KELSO and FEZZ look at each other suspiciously. Cut to small, smoky room)
FEZZ
Yeah
(Theme Song)
SETTING: Airplane bathroom.
CHARACTERS PRESENT:
Hyde
Jackie
Fezz
Donna
Kelso
Dog
HYDE
So. Were finally on our way the Aloha State pineapple country sun, serf, and weed. Heh heh.
JACKIE
The shoppings gonna be amazing! If I can get my hands on one, Im gonna buy a shirtless native to follow me around with one of those leafy, fan-thingies.
FEZZ
I have a confession to make the nateeves of Hawaii scares me And so do tiny airplane bafrooms.
JACKIE
God, Fezz. The Hawaiian boys are only trying to make a little money.
HYDE
Yeah, arent you, like, one of them anyways?
JACKIE
Hes Mexican, Steven, not Hawaiian.
FEZZ
Yeah, jus pecause I yam foreign does not mean Im Hawaiian, you stupid son of a...
JACKIE
Fezz!
FEZZ
Sorry, Yackie. My emotions got da best of me yagain. In my country, we dont carry awound spears and paint our faces wid da blood of our enomies.
DONNA
The Hawaiians dont do that, Fezz.
FEZZ
D'en who does?
JACKIE
Michael! Where did you get that food?
FEZZ
Is dat a drumstick? (reaches)
DONNA
Watch your hands, Fezz.
KELSO
(Swats hand) Yeah, get your own, Fezz. I got it from the front of the plane. They were just giving it away.
DONNA
You got it from first class?
FEZZ
Gimme da drumstick, you pretty-haired slave boy!
JACKIE
Give it to him, Michael. Its fattening anyways, and we dont need to have that talk again.
HYDE
You cant just take that from first class, man. Its hot stuff, now- the cops will be all over it ah, who am I kiddin? Man, give me some.
KELSO
(Long pan) Hey! Hands off, man. I lifted this fair and square. Id like to see you and your big glasses take it from me.
DONNA
Shut up, Kelso. (Takes role)
FEZZ
I miss Ewic. He would ave givon me a lousy drumstick.
DONNA
Erics just being a good boyfriend. He knew how much I wanted to go to Hawaii so he stayed to march at the feminist rally for me.
FEZZ
Yeah right. (laughing) Hes da one who tol me abou da scary nateeves.
DONNA
No, Erics really excited about the rally though, being scared of the natives does sound like him. Huh.
KELSO
I think feminisms pretty cool. A bunch of hot, angry girls running around
JACKIES VOICE
Michael!
KELSO
What? You know, Jackie, I think youd be a great feminisimian. (Mock excited) In fact, maybe you should stop wearing a bra right now!
DONNA
For one thing, its feminist, not femiwhatever, you moron. And we dont only burn our bras; we fight for womens equality in society.
FEZZ
Power to da girls. (laughs)
JACKIE
Well, I think feminism is stupid. Not only do we have the usual amount of ugly people running around, but now all the pretty ones have stopped wearing make-up! They all look like theyre starting a lumberjack revolution and Donnas their leader!
FEZZ
Ah burn!
DONNA
For the last time, Jackie, Im not a lumberjack so stop calling me that. And, hey whos side are you on anyways, Fezz?
FEZZ
Dont make me shoose.
JACKIE
Believe me, Michael. You do not want to see me without this face.
HYDE
I just have one question for you, Kelso whered you get the dog?
Pan to dog
KELSO
Oh, he followed me here from the front of the plane. He started barking when he got to the room, but I gave him some turkey and he shut up.
FEZZ
You give da dog food and not yo pall? (mad-grabs for turkey) Mine! (Eats furiously)
DONNA
God, he probably smelled all the smoke and went crazy.
KELSO
Believe me! I can hardly smell anything right now.
DONNA
Not you, the dog! Dogs can smell things, you know.
FEZZ
I can smell tings and Im not a dog.
DONNA
I never said that.
FEZZ
(Continues eating)
JACKIE
(Inhales from shock) Do you think hes one of those hounds, like on tv, that sniff out drugs to catch criminals?
HYDE
Nice goin, Kelso. Now therere two reasons for the cops to be chasin you: contraband and a stolen drug dog.
Pan to dog
KELSO
Hey, its not my fault Im so enticing to follow.
DONNA
Kelso, you were carrying a pile of food and you smelled like a reefer youve thrusted this upon yourself.
FEZZ
Ha ha. Thrusted. (Hurried knock on door) Ah! Da fuzz!
JACKIE
Quick, hide!
HYDES VOICE
What?
FEZZ
Hey, Yackie, deres some room to hide in my pants.
JACKIE
Eew, Fezz. Dont be gross you think theres some room in there for the dog, though?
HYDE
Hold on, guys. Lets just look at the situation. Just play it cool. Observe (To door) Well be right out! (To group, mouths with two thumbs up) Were good!
ORIGINAL SCRIPT WRITEN BY The Nevada Line