Hello everyone, today is September 10th, and I found out it is Suicide Awareness Day, so to honour that, I'm posting this, it's a companion to There's Always Help For Those Who Need It, and I want to get this out so I'll keep this short and sweet. I wrote this for support to people who have ever attempted suicide, or actually died from it, and to anyone who's ever thought about it.
So I'd like to dedicate this to my older sister, my mother and myself, because even though I've gotten past most of it, there are some lingering times, as some people may know, it's not just going to go away overnight.
I don't own any of the characters, nor did I make up Suicide Awareness Day.
Reyna's Point of View:
Chin up, shoulder's back, back straight, armour in place, show no weakness.
I repeated the strict orders my mentor had enforced me to memorize as I took my daily inspection walk through the camp while Jason was in the Principia, doing paperwork, it was my turn to do the afternoon inspection as Jason did the morning one this morning, it was a routine we'd settled into well after three years of practise. I learned to just let the comments bounce off me, a praetor must have no cracks in the marble, smooth, cold, hard. I reminded myself of this repeatedly, I'd been finding that I had to keep reminding myself to keep going lately, the biting remarks, the taunting smirks and scathing looks had started to trickle back into people's faces. The fear factor of nearly killing someone had worn off, they could use it as ammunition against me, without warning they attacked like wolves, without mercy and after blood. Like sharks, but worse, they would give you no mercy by instant death, wolves and Romans rarely showed mercy.
Chin up, shoulder's back, back straight, armour in place, show no weakness.
I repeated in my head again, reminding myself to worry about it later, when I didn't have places to be, and people to inspect, and especially when Jason could easily find out, although I knew I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me, only protect me, there were things I would not tell my boyfriend of three years. He'd only worry and fret and I was a big girl, at nineteen I could take care of myself. He'll find out sooner or later. My mind argued with me and I let out a huff of breath and leaned on the wall to the collusium I was about to enter. It will be like the last incident, he has ways of knowing about the rumours, just like you do. I mentally glared at my subconscious.
It won't be like last time. I'll tell him when I'm ready, besides, nothing too bad has been churned up yet. I argued back defensively, as much as I loved my boyfriend, he'd only want to protect me, and I didn't need protecting, the rumours would die down eventually, or we'd be retiring in 3-4 years, they wouldn't last long and they wouldn't get as far as Jason, not after the last time, people were more careful this time around, even more than the last time. I nearly continued into the collusium when I heard voices that made me stop in my tracks. I couldn't make out what they were saying, and I wasn't an eavesdropper, but I got a gut feeling, that this was bad news. I inched forward, making sure that I stepped on nothing that would give me away and finally I could make out what they were saying.
"She's so fat I'm amazed her Pegasus can hold her weight, or that she fits into her armour, what size is she? XXXXXXL?" A girl's voice remarked cattily, I froze up, I could tell who they were talking about, there was only one Pegasus in camp and that was Scipio.
"That's far too kind Maggie, at least twenty times the size." Another girlish voice remarked with a giggle at the end, I shuddered, that voice almost gave me cavities.
"You'd think with the way she keeps her popularity she'd have a far better figure." A third voice commented sharply, I wondered what she was talking about.
"It wouldn't surprise me if she had to retire soon because of "medical issues", honey, we can all see the weight you're gaining, not exactly keeping it a secret." The first girl mocked cattily, I looked down at my stomach automatically, I hadn't been eating more than I'd eaten before, and all this talk of me being... that was despicable.
"He's too decent for that, I would pay to see his reaction." The second girl remarked, I found myself clenching my fists. What did they take me for?
"Personally, in my opinion, they should have left her to rot." There were two sharp intakes of breath at the third girl's declaration. "She wasn't around for 4 months, she was just lifeless, they shouldn't have kept her like they did, it was torture to us all. What kind of an asset is she to this camp, she's no daughter of Bellona, mistakenly claimed, no god would be proud to have her for a daughter. Pathetic." The girl remarked, there was murmurs of agreement from her companion.
"You're right of course. It's only a matter of time before that love potion wears off and he'll back to his normal self." The second girl commented, I didn't stick around to hear more, I turned and fled the scene, I walked back the way I came but I didn't walk to the Principia where Jason was. I walked towards the praetor houses, my eyes stinging with the venom and hate in the words I heard, the viciousness. In a daze I unlocked and entered my house, Argentum and Aurum were with Jason, I had insisted I didn't need one of them to protect me. Now I was grateful for the silence the emptiness provided, no one questioned where I should be. I closed the door behind me and walked up to my room, much like that night three years ago, except I didn't venture to the bathroom. I perched on the end of my bed and took off my toga and armour, leaving me in my purple t-shirt and jeans after I kicked off my trainers. I unsheathed my dagger and threw the sheath to the floor before looking into the blade, my reflection stared back at me coldly, the same way it had three years ago.
"Pathetic." I whispered, a chill ran down my spine as I looked away from my dagger. Why the hesitation? You've done it before, what's the difference now? What's stopping you? A voice in my head prodded. "Jason." I spoke quietly, the voice continued on; He doesn't need to stop you, it was be so easy, just like the last time. What does he know, he didn't even notice you were gone until it was pointed out to him. He didn't even know you were there until it was brought to his knowledge. And if he'd miss you, he'd get over it. The voice cooed, I looked down, it sounded true, he'd get over it. It wouldn't take long, he'd never even notice. The voice cooed, I took a deep breath and looked at the blade in my hands again before switching my grip on it to the ice-pick grip, the tip of the blade dangled above my wrist for several seconds and I braced myself for the pain.
"Reyna!" I looked up when I heard Jason's shocked voice, he was standing in the doorway, Argentum and Aurum by his legs looking at me with worry. Jason crossed the room and kneeled in front of me, lifting my chin gently he stared into my eyes with his own, he looked down for a second and noticed the dagger in my hands. "May I?" He asked gently, I nodded, my eyes never leaving his as he pried the weapon from my hands with little resistance, I waited until Jason had set the weapon down before speaking.
"I couldn't help myself." I mumbled shamefully, I hadn't wanted it to happen, I hadn't wanted to kill myself, but it was hard. To my surprise Jason just offered me a tentative smile.
"I know. It's okay, I'm not blaming you." Jason murmured as he moved from kneeling on the floor to sitting next to me on the bed with his arms wrapped around me, I took a deep breath and allowed him to hold me, which he knew I despised. "What happened?" Jason asked softly and I stiffened, should I tell him? "Reyna, you can tell me anything." Jason assured me, I sighed and closed my eyes, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Promise you won't freak out?" I asked, I heard Jason take a sharp intake of breath.
"I promise." Jason agreed after a moment's hesitation, I gave a short whistle and Argentum and Aurum bounded over to us. Aurum lay at our feet, stopping us from getting up while Argentum jumped on the bed and padded over to sit on Jason's lap, making sure he couldn't get up to freak out.
"I heard people talking today, they were saying stuff about us... me..." I said carefully, I felt Jason tense up before beginning to rub circles in my back.
"What sort of stuff?" Jason asked cautiously, I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him, he'd make a big fuss about it. "You don't have to tell me, it's okay." Jason assured me, but I knew what he left unspoken: I will be giving a warning at muster.
"It's fine, Jason, we should probably get back to duties." I reminded Jason, but neither of us made a move to get up, not that Jason could with Argentum on his lap and Aurum blocking our feet.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Jason prodded, I huffed, he was never going to let this go, was he?!
"Jason, I am fine." I exclaimed, making Jason chuckle and take my hands in his. I started to feel a little sleepy so I closed my eyes for a few seconds, leaning into Jason even more as I rested a little. The next thing I knew I felt myself being shaken gently, I tried to continue sleeping but the person was persistent.
"Reyna, wake up." Jason's voice whispered, his breath ticked my ear and I smiled, opening my eyes to find him sitting next to me on the bed still, except I was lying down.
"What time is it?" I asked, yawning straight after, making Jason chuckle again.
"Nearly 4, it's going to be evening muster soon." Jason reminded me, I let out another yawn, at least I hadn't slept that long, only 2 hours at best. I stretched out and sat up on the bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. "Did you have a good sleep?" Jason asked me kindly.
"Yeah. Thanks." I said, Jason smiled but I saw the nervousness in his eyes, which worried me to an extent, Jason was hardly ever nervous. "Is something wrong?" I asked him, Jason tried to smile but it came out as a grimace. "Jason, talk to me." I insisted as I took his hands. Jason looked at our entwined hands for several seconds before meeting my eyes again, a full smile on his face this time, which I returned with one of my own, the one I reserved solely for Jason. I think it gave him the courage because he looked into my eyes and spoke.
"I was gonna do this during our dinner on Friday, but now is as good a time as any. Reyna, I nearly lost you three years ago, I wanted to hurt each and every person that made you feel so low the way you had been hurt, I wanted to make them pay for hurting the most precious thing I've ever had in my life. I never want to lose you Reyna, I would rather die than see you cry, I want to live the rest of my life with you, I know that, I almost lost you once, I never want to make that mistake again." Jason said, I smiled at him. "Reyna Arvon, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?" I stared at him unblinking as I processed what he just said.
"You want to get married?" I asked carefully, Jason looked ready to slap himself.
"I didn't do this right!" He exclaimed, I blinked surprised this time. "I was gonna get down on one knee, I had this speech ready to memorize, I was going to get you your favourite flowers, and chocolates." Jason informed me sadly, but I found myself smiling as I squeezed his hands.
"Hey! I don't mind all of that, I don't need it." I soothed him. "Of course I'll marry you, Jason." Jason smiled when I said that and wrapped his arms around my waist, bringing me closer to him.
"You have just made me the happiest man on earth." Jason whispered before he kissed me. Even after three years, there was still that spark between us when we kissed. I could have kissed him all day but unfortunately, our need for breathing and sense of duty prevented that and we eventually had to pull apart.
"Well you've made me the happiest woman on the earth." I countered happily when we had both regained our breaths. After a few seconds of us just looking into each other's eyes, I sighed. "We have duties to do, muster will be starting soon." I reminded Jason, who groaned but nodded. We got up and put on our armour, Jason having abandoned his when I was sleeping, and made sure we were ready.
"Okay, almost ready." Jason said when we were both in our uniforms. I wondered what he meant by that when he reached behind me and picked up a small black velvet box. I watched as he opened it carefully to reveal the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. It was a small gold band with a single diamond in the center, one smaller sapphire set on each side of the diamond.
"It's beautiful." I breathed as Jason carefully took it out of the box and slid it onto my finger, it was a perfect fit, which confused me as I never got my finger measured and Jason didn't know my ring size. But I put that out of my mind when I noticed the engraving on the band, I brought the ring to my eye to examine what it said: Te amo. I love you.
"I had it made for you." Jason whispered, I found myself smiling again as Jason took my hand and we headed to muster.
"It's beautiful. I love you too." I confirmed, Jason's grin got wider as we stopped in the doorway and he leaned over to steal a kiss, making me blush again.
"Come on, I want to be able to show you off to everyone." Jason said as he led me out of the room, I managed to whistle for Argentum and Aurum as we headed off for muster. But I felt happier than I ever had before and I was sure that I would never feel the need to attempt anything stupid ever again, I had someone to help me through it, the good and the bad.
Keeping this short and sweet, I hope you guys enjoyed and feel free to tell me what you think, no pressure, I hope you all think twice before doing something you might regret and please try to think of the people you're leaving behind. This isn't as long as the other one and I had some trouble with bearing my soul for you so, with that. Goodbye.
Also, the cover, that is actually my wrist, so, there you go.
Peace, LOVE, DON'T HARM YOURSELF. EVER.
Love always, Jeyna. X.