The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is in a therapist's office. This is part of my InvaderZ series. If anyone cares this takes place after 'Planet of the Vampire Squirrels.' IT'S MADNESS PEOPLE!
Therapy in Space
"I can't believe it's come to this," Gaz gritted her teeth.
"I'm not crazy about this either Gaz but we all agreed we had to do something about the tension that surrounds us," Dib told her as they sat on a couch. "I mean we did kind of blow up a couple of planets and slaughtered an entire race of vampire squirrels into extinction."
"It's not like anybody's gonna miss 'em," Gaz folded her arms. "They were vampire squirrels. Can you think of any other combination more annoying?"
She then looked at Zim and Dib. "Oh wait. Look who I'm talking to," Gaz quipped.
"Let's get this over with shall we?" Zim asked. He was in a chair facing them. Gir was sitting next to him on the floor. "Dib, Gaz why don't you tell me about yourselves?"
"What's there to tell? You've known us for two years and you're bonded with Dib's brain!" Gaz snapped. "That alone should tell you more than anyone needs to know!"
"Is it so hard for you to have just a little sympathy for what I am going through?" Dib snapped. "Just a tiny bit?"
"What you're going through? What about what I have to go through?" Gaz snapped. "I'm the one stuck hearing about you whine about your problems!"
"Oh yes I'm sure it must be such an inconvenience for you to hear about other people's problems," Dib said sarcastically. "Since you don't have any of your own!"
"You think you have it so tough! 'I'm a clone! Nobody loves me! Do I even have a soul?' Blah! Blah! Blah!" Gaz snarled. "Stop whining and suck it up already!"
"I've had a horribly scarring emotional and physical experience Gaz! What do you want from me?" Dib shouted.
"I want you to get over it," Gaz said.
"I can't just get over it!" Dib snapped. "Unlike you, I have feelings!"
"Oh I've got feelings. Rage. Hate. Resentment…" Gaz snarled at Dib.
"That last one I know all too well! Admit it Gaz, you've always resented me for being born! You never accepted me because I'm a clone!" Dib pointed.
"I don't resent you for being born, Dib," Gaz said. "I just resent you period! I resent Dad for creating you, but that's a whole other set of issues."
"Yeah right!" Dib folded his arms.
"I'm serious. I don't care that you were born a clone, Dib. What bothers me is that you were born annoying!" Gaz snarled. "If Dad had to make a clone you think he would at least try to make one that wasn't so pathetic and annoying!"
"Well considering what he ended up with using the natural way I guess he figured that he couldn't do any worse!" Dib shouted. "Maybe he just wanted to make sure that lighting didn't strike twice!"
"Now kids, don't say things you might regret," The Computer spoke up.
"Just what is that supposed to mean?" Gaz asked.
"It means that I think you two should try and…" The Computer spoke.
"I'm not talking to you, Computer! I'm talking to Dib!" Gaz snapped. "And why is the sack of silicon chips in on this?"
"I dunno. Just figured I could use an extra brain to do some of the work," Zim shrugged.
"Good idea since yours doesn't work that well to begin with," Dib grumbled.
"This isn't about me. This is about you and Gaz," Zim gave him a look. "Go on Gaz. You were asking Dib a question?"
"Right. What exactly does that stupid little comment mean?" Gaz glared at Dib. "About me being born the natural way?"
"Face it Gaz, I may have had my problems but you were never a poster child for the perfect daughter!" Dib said. "You have always been a mean, self centered, rage filled rhymes with witch that cared more about eating greasy pizza and playing video games than anyone else!"
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Gaz gave him a look.
"It is a bad thing Gaz! Especially for me!" Dib said. "Gaz this might surprise you but most sisters don't turn their stuffed animals into weapons and program them to eat human flesh. And then use those flesh eating stuffed animals to attack and threaten their brothers!"
"I had to do that in self defense! You were always taking my toys apart!" Gaz snapped.
"That's because you were always setting my toys on fire!" Dib yelled.
"Only five or six times! I was going through a phase!" Gaz snapped. "For crying out loud Dib I was only three years old! Of course I'd be interested in lighters and matches!"
"It was a phase that nearly burned the house down!" Dib snapped.
"Like you're one to talk!" Gaz snapped. "What about the time you got into one of Dad's inventions and the house ended up three blocks down the street?"
"I was only two and Dad let me walk around his lab unsupervised!" Dib snapped. "Besides it turned out all right. Dad didn't like the neighborhood anyway and as soon as he put in a new foundation we were fine."
"You want to talk about phases Dib?" Gaz asked. "Let's talk about that little phase you had when you were obsessed with the undead! Yeah that was a fun little phase! Real enjoyable!"
"Once! I only did it once!" Dib snapped.
"One zombie rampage through town is enough!" Gaz yelled.
"It was hardly a rampage," Dib said. "It was a few resurrected cats and only a handful of zombies."
"It was enough to bring the National Guard into town!" Gaz told him. "And let's not forget the two weeks of Hell with Susie, the undead squirrel!"
"You swore you'd never bring that up again!" Dib pointed.
"I lied," Gaz said,
"Ha! You lied! Of course! That's another charming trait you have!" Dib snapped. "You're a liar Gaz!"
"Oh I'm the liar? I'm not the reason exploding permission slips were invented!" Gaz snarled.
"No, but you are the reason why kids are no longer allowed to go on tours at the Pentagon!" Dib snapped.
"Those missiles were almost at their expiration date anyway! You know how I hate to see a good explosive go to waste!" Gaz said. "The way I see it, it was a good use of taxpayer dollars."
"That's not what those secret service agents called it," Dib said. "I believe the words breach of national defense and possible civil war with New Jersey were thrown about. Also the words 'evil', 'psychotic', 'dangerous' and 'reform house for girls'. But never a good use of taxpayer dollars! That phrase did not come up."
"I don't know why they made such a stink about that," Gaz said. "I solved the state's overflowing garbage problem!"
"You also blew up half of the Jersey Shore!" Dib said.
"Like I said, I blew up the state's garbage problem!" Gaz snapped.
"You know it just occurred to me," Zim blinked. "Neither of you had a normal Earth childhood did you?"
"Dib's right. It was a good idea of yours to bring the computer into this," Gaz said. "It's one more working mind than you have!"
"I just don't know why you hate me so much! I try to be nice to you! I really do!" Dib said. "I even try to do stuff with you but when I do, you threaten to punch my face in!"
"That's because everything you do is stupid and annoying! All you do is stupid and annoying things! All you say are stupid and annoying words! And those stupid an annoying words are said by your stupid and annoying voice! Hearing your voice day after day fills me with rage," Gaz snarled. "Rage fills my ears and into my brain! But you never shut up! You keep talking and talking and talking! You are an unending noise machine that never ends! I can't take it any more! I CAN'T TAKE BEING WITH YOU ANYMORE!"
"Uh Gaz…" Dib gulped.
"IT WAS BAD ENOUGH DAD DITCHED ME ALL THE TIME BUT YOU NEVER DID! HE TOOK OFF AND LEFT ME WITH YOU! AND THAT'S NOT THE WORST OF IT! OTHER KIDS HAVE MOMS THEY CAN DEPEND ON TO DISTRACT THEIR BROTHERS BUT NOT ME!" She started to whack Dib with a pillow.
"OW! OW!" Both Dib and Zim yelled in pain through their bond.
"I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M STUCK WITH YOU AFTER EVERYBODY LEFT ME!" Gaz screamed. "MY OWN MOTHER ABANDONED ME AND LEFT ME ALONE WITH YOU! I HATE HER! I HATE HER! I HATE HER FOR LEAVING ME WITH YOU! WHY? WHY COULDN'T I EVER HEAR HER VOICE INSTEAD OF YOURS? WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME ALONE WITH YOU? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"
Gaz then stopped and opened her eyes wide. "Whoa…Where did that come from?"
"I think we just stumbled on a breakthrough," Zim blinked.
"Gaz it's clear to even Zim that some of the anger at your brother is clearly misdirected anger at your mother," The Computer said.
"What?" Gaz said. "No it's not."
"Uh yeah it is," Dib adjusted his glasses.
"Okay, maybe I'm a little angry at my mom?" Gaz glared at Dib. "Maybe I am annoyed at her for abandoning me with a neglectful father and an idiot brother? But that's only a small part of where my anger comes from. Hear me? A small part! Five, ten percent tops! But the rest is all you Dib! It's all you!"
"You just said you wanted to hear your mom's voice instead of mine!" Dib told her. He held out his hands for protection. "That's what you said! Not me! You're blaming me for your mom not being there for you!"
"STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO AND WHAT I SAID!" Gaz screamed She got off the couch and grabbed a nearby chair, intending to beat Dib with it. "YOU ARE NOT MY MOM! YOU'RE JUST MY STUPID BROTHER! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! THAT'S A MOM'S JOB! I DON'T HAVE A MOM! ALL I HAVE IS YOU!"
Dib flinched and waited for the blow. It never came. Gaz stood there with the chair inches from his head, frozen for a second. Her eyes widened as she came to a realization. She put the chair down and sat back down on the couch.
"Okay," Gaz sat back down, looking a bit shaken. "Maybe thirty percent of my anger."
"Thirty?" Zim snapped.
"Okay…Forty five," Gaz winced. "Wow. Wow. This is just sort of…I mean I always felt it but to actually say it. Wow. This is…This is heavy stuff. Not used to this. Not used to self introspection. Don't like it. Don't like it at all!"
"So maybe you aren't always angry at Dib being Dib?" Zim suggested. "Maybe you are angry with your parents but because they aren't there for you, you have no one else to be angry with?"
"Yeah but Dib's still a jerk," Gaz narrowed her eyes.
"Granted. But some of that jerkiness might be because of how you feel about your mother?" Zim said. "You said so yourself. You have no mother to give you rules. You resent Dib for trying to look after you because he's not your mother. But even Dib can't help that."
"Gaz I never knew you felt this way," Dib blinked.
"Shut it," Gaz snarled.
"Gaz believe me I know where you're coming from," Dib said. "How do you think I felt when Dad abandoned me when I needed him the most? You have a right to be angry! In fact you have a right to be furious! But you don't have to be angry with me! I'm here for you!"
WHAM!
Gaz hit Dib hard with a pillow. "No, you're still annoying," Gaz grunted.
"Gaz…" Zim grimaced.
"Okay but maybe that's not your fault. Everything is the fault of my parents. Blah, blah, blah. Is it time to end this thing yet?" Gaz rolled her eyes.
"Please say yes…" Dib moaned as he sat up.
"Yeah I think that's enough for today," Zim nodded. "Switch!"
Gaz and Zim got up and exchanged places. "So how are things this morning between the two of you?" Gaz took up a pad and pen.
"I'm bonded for life with my worst enemy. How do you think?" Dib snapped.
"Don't get me started," Zim groaned. "Of course I'd like to point out that Dib just discovered that he's not completely to blame for his sister being insane so..."
"That is out of bounds!" Dib pointed at him screaming. "OUT OF BOUNDS!"
"Zim you know the rules. You can't talk about what goes on in the other therapy sessions that have no bearing on yours," Gaz said. "My issues with Dib while admittedly are very similar, have nothing to do with your issues with Dib."
"Oh right," Zim blinked. Then he screamed. "WHY DID MY TALLEST BETRAY ME? WHY DID MY TALLEST BETRAY ME AND NOW I'M STUCK WITH THE DIB?"
"Oh this is just great for my self esteem!" Dib said sarcastically.
"Even Skoodge would have been better as a Bond Brother than Dib!" Zim moaned. "Okay Skoodge is a short fat half wit that picks at his antennae but at least he has some redeeming qualities! Like he's not Dib!"
"YES! I GET IT! I'm not even your third choice for a companion! And quite frankly the feeling is mutual!" Dib snapped. "You really think I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Even Gir is a better companion with you! At least he's cheerful!"
"Of course he's cheerful! He's a moron!" Zim snapped.
"Which is why the Tallest gave him to you," Dib quipped.
"Exactly. A stupid little moron who…HEY!" Zim snapped. "That was a shot at me wasn't it?"
"Bravo, Zim! You figured it out!" Dib said sarcastically. "That beats your old record by two years!"
"This is my life now," Zim grumbled. "Life with the Dib. I should have shot myself when I had the chance. If I wasn't so good looking I would shoot myself!"
"If you're good looking my head is the size of a peanut," Dib grumbled.
"Well lucky for you…the thing inside your head probably is the size of a peanut! Or larger!" Zim said. "That thingy in your head that thinks with…stuff. I know what it is. I just forgot what it's called. It's in my brain somewhere. Oh well. You know what I mean."
"You almost had it Zim. You got this close to an actual insult," Dib indicated a small space with his fingers. "But not quite!"
"I was an Invader! I was one of the elite!" Zim said dramatically.
"I take it this was before you were demoted to being a food drone where your biggest command was a large order of fries?" Dib asked.
"See Zim, that is a good insult," Gaz pointed out.
"I had everything. I was on the fast track. On my way to the top. I could have been the next Tallest," Zim sighed.
"Tallest of what? A race of ant people?" Dib asked.
"Wow Dib you're really on fire," Gaz blinked.
"It's not that hard considering the material I have to work with," Dib pointed. "I may have nothing else to live for in my life but at least I have an insult gold mine."
"I was going to rule a very big part of the universe! I was something!" Zim moaned. "I was going to be the Tallest! Now I'm just stuck with the Biggest Mouth in the Biggest Head! See? I can insult people too! Once I figure out the right word order."
"Hey I had dreams too!" Dib told him. "And three guesses who's responsible for destroying them? Take a guess!"
"It wasn't Minimoose was it?" Gir blinked.
"I was talking about Zim," Dib said.
"Oh right," Gir nodded. "He did do that."
"I was going to be a paranormal investigator! And Gaz was going to be a billionaire running Dad's company or something!" Dib said. "But you ruined it all!"
"I was?" Gaz blinked.
"Uh yeah it was kind of obvious," Dib told her.
"It wasn't to me," Gaz said.
"Gaz, please. You have a killer business instinct Machiavelli would be impressed with," Dib said. "The point I am making is that all of that is gone thanks to Zim!"
"Oh I'm to blame for that?" Zim snapped.
"Yes! You are!" Dib said. "If you had never come into my life I'd at the very least still not know I was a clone and live a somewhat normal life! And Gaz would have a somewhat normal life!"
"And rich. You did say rich right?" Gaz asked.
"Yes," Dib said.
"Damn. That would have been sweet," Gaz realized.
"But because you had to invade our planet our lives got entangled! You couldn't have at the very least gotten a better disguise or go to another area! But no, you had to come to my town! To my skool! To my classroom! And because of that our lives got ruined!"
"You gotta admit Dib has a point there," Gaz said.
"Normal? Your lives were miserable and pathetic! And that was way before I came along!" Zim snapped. "At the very least Zim showed you the truth about yourselves. Your lives would have self destructed anyway without me. I just speeded up the process a bit more and made things ten times worse."
"Okay I know I'm not supposed to take sides here but Zim you are starting to make me root for Dib," Gaz said. "And believe me, it takes a lot for me to root for Dib!"
"YEAH!" Dib snapped.
"Now that I think about it, Dib didn't get really annoying until you showed up!" Gaz pointed.
"Hey! You can't blame me for your stupid brother trying to stop me from taking over the world!" Zim snapped.
"Zim, if you show a half starved dog a bone you can't blame the dog for going after the bone now can you?" Gaz said. "Dib is drawn to the paranormal like Gir is to a taco bar. He just can't help it. It's the way he was born."
"Yeah! Being a clone of course I'm going to…" Dib began.
"Not now Dib," Gaz stopped him. "I could have had a life! I could have been rich! Especially when my old man kicked the bucket! Not like Dib was any competition there!"
"Uh Gaz…" Dib blinked.
"I even had access to all Dad's legal papers. He showed me his will leaving everything to me and Dib and a bunch of science museums!" Gaz realized. "And then I went back and crossed out the science museums! The only reason I kept Dib is was because I would need him as a pawn when I took over the operation!"
"Yeah this really helps my self esteem," Dib groaned. "So glad I decided to get some therapy."
"I would have been rich! And powerful! And I would have had…stuff!" Gaz said. "I could have even used my Dad's stupid inventions to take over the world! And you ruined it! Thanks a lot Zim!" Gaz threw the clipboard at Zim's head.
Zim barely ducked in time. "How is this supposed to help me and Dib?"
"How should I know? Figure it out!" Gaz grumbled. "I'm too depressed."
"This is gonna take more than one session to find any breakthroughs isn't it?" Dib moaned. "There's just no point in going on this tangent today is there?"
"Afraid so. Switch!" Gaz said. She and Dib exchanged places.
"Okay everyone and welcome to our Rage Anonymous Group," Dib said cheerfully as he took up the role of counselor. "Who'd like to start?"
"Uh me," Gaz raised her hand. "How can this be a Rage Anonymous Group when we all know each other and are living together?"
"She's got a point," Zim nodded.
"Well Gaz what would you like to call our group?" Dib asked.
"How about Rage Not Anonymous Group? Oh wait that's lame…" Gaz thought. "Um, hmmmm…."
"Well? Why don't you come up with a name oh great and glorious leader?" Zim mocked.
"Hey! I'm having a minor case of writer's block! Sue me!" Gaz snapped. "I suppose you can do better?"
"The Flying Monkeys!" Gir shouted cheerfully.
"No," Zim gave Gir a look.
"The Pirate Monkeys!" Gir shouted again.
"That's the name of the Resisty's ship," Dib said.
"Oh…How about the Monkeys?" Gir called out. "I like Monkeys!"
"No monkeys! I am not calling myself a monkey!" Gaz snapped.
"Well technically…" Zim snickered.
"You want to start something Zim?" Gaz snapped making a fist. "I'll beat you senseless!"
"Out of bounds! Threatening violence is out of bounds!" Zim pointed to Gaz.
"Gaz, no threatening members of the group with violence during therapy time!" Dib said.
"But I can do it after therapy time?" Gaz asked.
"Oh yeah," Dib nodded. "Just not during therapy."
"Sounds fair. I can wait," Gaz folded her arms. Then she thought of something. "Wait, the Resisty's ship is called the Pirate Monkeys?"
"Yes it is. I know. Weird," Dib sighed.
"Who names a resistance ship the Pirate Monkeys?" Gaz asked.
"That is kind of stupid isn't it?" Zim agreed.
"I know and I was on that ship," Dib said. "Now that I think about it, the aliens on that ship didn't seem very smart. No wonder their planets got invaded."
"That's it! We are invaders right? I was an invader…" Zim began.
"You weren't really an invader," Dib began.
"I was an invader!" Zim snapped. "You and Gaz invaded my planet. Well technically not you Gaz but you invade my personal space a lot so that kind of counts. Gir is an assistant to me that means he's an assistant invader! We are invaders!"
"You want our therapy group to be called Invaders?" Dib blinked.
"Not just invaders! InvaderZ with a capital Z! Z for ZIM!" Zim cheered.
"Geeze you got an ego much?" Gaz gave him a look. "Napoleon complex in action over here."
"I do not have this Napoleon disease! Zim is healthy!" Zim protested.
"No Zim. Napoleon was an Earth dictator from France who made his own empire but he was really short," Dib explained. "Now that I think about it, you really do have a Napoleon Complex."
"Zim is not short! Zim is…slightly undersized!" Zim snapped.
"So was Napoleon," Gaz said. "Definitely a Napoleon Complex. Which probably is called a Zim Complex now out here in outer space."
"We are the InvaderZ! With a capital Z!" Zim said.
"Okay fine, InvaderZ with a capital Z," Dib rolled his eyes. "Gaz?"
"Yeah I can live with that if we just get on with it," Gaz groaned.
"Fine. Now that we've named ourselves, let's see if we can make more progress," Dib rolled his eyes.
"This should be good," Gaz grumbled. She glared at Zim. "I can't believe I could have been rich but because of you I'll miss out on the cash!"
"It's kind of a moot point since the Earth is wrecked and all of civilization is gone with it," Dib pointed out.
"It's the principle of the thing," Gaz grumbled.
"Zim has no life! Zim's dreams are all gone thanks to the Dib!" Zim howled.
"Hooray!" Gir cheered.
"No Gir! That's a bad thing!" Zim snapped. Gir wandered off. "Hey! Don't walk away when Zim is talking!"
"Why not? You never listen to anything anyone else has to say!" The Computer said.
"Oh don't start in on me now!" Zim snapped. "I've got a lot of problems on my mind."
"You, you, you! That's all I hear about!" The Computer said. "Like you're the center of the universe and all the problems there are affect only you! What about my feelings? Did you ever think of that?"
"You're a computer! There's nothing to think about!" Zim snarled.
"Well that's a racist comment if there ever was one!" The Computer said.
"Don't you dare throw that in my face!" Zim snarled.
"I dare! Racist! Racist! Racist!" The Computer shouted.
"WHEEEEEEE! HEY! I'M NAKED!" Gir ran by wildly. "I'M FREE! FREEEE!"
"Shouldn't that technically be specist or what do you call someone who judges by species instead of race?" Dib asked.
"I think racist covers both ends of the spectrum," The Computer said. "WHICH IS WHAT ZIM IS!"
"LIES! ZIM HATES EVERYONE! INCLUDING OTHER IRKENS!" Zim shouted.
"You're right. Zim is an equal opportunity hater," Dib said. "But I think we should get back to…"
CRASH!
"GIR DID YOU BREAK SOMETHING AGAIN?" Zim shouted.
"Maybe…" Gir called out. "Is that hole supposed to be in the wall?"
"OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! GIR YOU IDIOT! YOU WANT US TO ALL DIE BY SUFFICATION?" Zim ran to plug up the hole.
"YAY!"
"GIR DON'T CHEER! THAT'S A BAD THING!" Zim yelled.
"That's it! Run away like you always do!" The Computer shouted.
"This whole therapy thing is a bust isn't it?" Dib asked Gaz.
"Not completely. I have learned one thing. Taking out my frustrations about my lousy childhood on you is pointless," Gaz said. "You're too easy a target. What I should be doing is finding ways to take out my frustrations on my parents! As in actually tracking down the jerks and beating them up! And if I can't do that, I'll beat up total strangers instead of you, Dib. Unless you really deserve it. Odds are you probably will."
Gaz then thought. "I wonder what planet we're going to next? And who lives on it. Come on Moose and Pig, we gotta check our ammunition," She walked away with the animals following her.
CRASH!
"I'm helping!" Gir said cheerfully.
"GIR! It is not helping when you plug the hole with my butt!" Zim yelled. "Computer! Help Zim here!"
"Oh now you want to talk to me? Well forget it!" The Computer snapped. "Until you are willing to make change you are on your own!"
"We really need to get a professional psychiatrist around here," Dib moaned.