Author's Note: This was inspired by ShayaLonnie's clever use of the Colovaria charm in Misplaced Moony. If you're not reading, or haven't read, Misplaced Moony, then you need to sort out your priorities! Lol
Thanks, Worthfull1
P.S. I own nothing, anything recognizable belongs to the lovely Ms. Rowling.
Moony's Best Prank
Summer, 1995
12 Grimmauld Place
"So, who pulled the best pranks?" Harry asked, emerald eyes eager as they always were when the subject of conversation involved either or both of his parents.
"Remus," Sirius answered immediately. "Well, he wasn't always around for the actual 'pulling' of the prank, but he was almost always the brains behind the operation."
The man in question smiled in his mild way and shook his head modestly. "That's only because I was more logical," he told Harry. "Sirius and James would come up with some outrageous idiocy and it was up to me to bring it down to a level where it might be possible."
"Sounds familiar," Hermione muttered, just loud enough to be heard. Everyone present knew she was the brains of the Golden Trio.
Sirius chuckled. "Yes, but Moony has a deviant streak in him that he doesn't like to admit to. Our ideas were ridiculous, but Remus' were diabolical."
"They were not!" Remus protested.
"Were too!" Sirius retorted. "Do you not remember when you turned my gentleman's area green? Nobody else in the world would have thought of that!"
Shouts of "What?" "Where?" "No!" "You didn't!" rang out around the room as Remus laughed loudly.
"That wasn't a prank, Sirius! I was just pissed off at you!"
Sirius opened his mouth, but Fred cut in. "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" he said. "We have to hear this story!"
Remus groaned, but he was grinning. Pleas for the tale of the green penis came from all directions and he laughed again as Sirius joined in.
"Go on, Remus. Tell the ladies and gentlemen what you did to me."
He sighed. "Okay. It was in our sixth year…"
February 14, 1976 (Valentine's Day and 1 day before before the full moon)
Gryffindor Tower
"Remus, are you alright?" Lily asked, putting a gentle hand to his forehead. "You're burning up!"
Involuntarily jerking away from her touch, he blinked painfully at her. "I know. I - uh - I've got a bit of a cold. And a migraine." He shook his head minutely at James, who was staring pointedly at him.
"Do you want to go see Madam Pomfrey? I'll walk you down," Lily offered, moving to close her Arithmancy book.
"No, no! I think I'll just head up to bed. If I'm not better by the morning I'll go down to the Hospital Wing," he said, knowing that he'd be going there anyway to wait for sunset and that that was going to be the next thing out of Lily's mouth.
Lily pouted a bit, but relented. "Okay, then." She smiled at him as he headed for the dormitory.
"And then there were two…" James said, staring at the redheaded girl with a slightly giddy half-smile and ignoring the fact that there were a good twenty people in the Common Room. "Chocolate?" he asked, offering her a heart-shaped candy.
She scowled. "I think I'll head up to bed as well," she said. While packing her books, she missed the way James visibly deflated.
"Tough luck, mate," Peter muttered, watching his friend watch Lily walk away.
James nodded ruefully. "Yeah," he agreed, his tone wistful. "Well, Pete, guess it's just us finishing up the Arithmancy essay," he changed the subject briskly.
Remus rubbed his temples as he walked up the stairs to the sixth year boy's dorm. He had his eyes closed, but his heightened senses prevented him from bumping into anything. He was so caught up in his pain, though, that he didn't notice the silencing charm on the door, and by the time he was assaulted by the scent of perfume and sex, it was too late.
A female voice was cut off mid-moan, and Remus' eyes flew open to see Sirius happily ensconced between the thighs of Hufflepuff prefect Josie Wilkins. He had his hand over her mouth and they were both staring at Remus, wide-eyed.
"Dammit, Sirius!" Remus shouted, the pain in his head and the time of month making his patience razor-thin.
Josie squeaked at his tone and shoved Sirius off her, making him lose his balance and fall off the bed while she scrambled to cover herself.
"Moony. Hi," Sirius tried lamely.
"Don't 'Moony' me," Remus growled. "What did we just talk about last week? Hmm? Don't bring your girlfriends back here! Do the decent thing and go behind the greenhouses like everyone else!"
"On a cold night like this?" Josie interjected. "Not likely! And it's Valentine's Day! Really, Lupin, what's your problem?" she asked in a huff, throwing the question over her shoulder as she hooked her bra facing away from him as though he hadn't just seen all she had to offer.
"My problem, Josie - " he began, emphasizing the word while pinning Sirius with a look, "is that Sirius promised not to do this anymore - "
"Anymore?" Josie repeated, looking at Sirius now. "How many girls have you brought here?"
"Josie, love," Sirius said, getting up and securing a sheet around his waist, "why don't we talk about this tomorrow?"
"What's there to talk about?" Josie asked indignantly. "Do you need that much time to come up with a number?! Merlin, Black, I knew you were a bit of a slag, but…" she let the sentence hang as she threw on her robe and stomped out of the dorm with a huff and a nasty look thrown at Remus which, in his pre-moon pissiness, was returned full force, throwing her off a bit.
"Shit, Remus, I'm sorry," Sirius said, running a hand through his hair and looking genuinely remorseful. "It's Valentine's Day and I wasn't thinking about the moon."
"Thinking?" Remus scoffed. "Any thinking you've done recently has been done with that," he said, pointing to the area below Sirius waist. "You know, there are all kinds of places around this school to fuck - I know, I'm a Prefect - but this is the only place I have to rest!"
"I know, Remus." Sirius nodded rapidly. "You're completely right. I'm sorry."
"Yeah, well…" Remus glared at him for a minute, then stormed over to his bed and flopped down on it, fully clothed. Sirius started to ask him if he could do anything, but Remus yanked his curtains closed, cutting him off.
Remus listened to Sirius let out a breath, and heard him get dressed and leave. He knew sleep wouldn't come, but laying in the dark in silence did help a bit. After a while, he got up and changed into his pyjamas, sliding under his blankets just in time to hear Sirius, James and Peter come in, shushing each other.
"Damn," Sirius whispered.
"What?"" James asked.
"I hope Josie's not too attached to this pair."
Remus heard Peter wheeze a laugh and figured that, in her haste, the girl had missed her knickers. Serves her right, he thought bitterly as he listened to the other boys get into bed. Once things were quiet again, Remus closed his eyes and began reciting spells.
Having found early on that focusing his mind on one thing sometimes helped with his headaches, Remus had made a list of all the spells he knew. In alphabetical order, of course, and when his head pounded relentlessly, he would go up to the dorm and lay in the dark and whisper them to himself, one by one.
When he got to the spells that started with 'C', however, his earlier irritation with Sirius gave him an idea. It was a terribly wicked idea, and he smirked to himself. Silently getting out of bed, Remus grabbed his wand and moved to Sirius' four-poster.
The raven-haired boy hadn't closed his curtains, but he was fast asleep, so Remus wasted no time in aiming his wand and casting a charm. He nodded to himself, pleased, as Sirius' groin area glowed briefly, then crept back to his own bed and resumed his recitations.
Summer 1995
12 Grimmauld Place
"I can't believe you turned my cock green," Sirius muttered, giving Remus a filthy look while the rest of the room howled with laughter.
"Well, I just thought it was clever because Sirius hates green," he told the kids and Tonks, who had walked in at the start of the story. "James once turned his school robes green as a joke and Sirius got mad because he thought James was calling him a Slytherin. To Sirius, anything green is Slytherin and, therefore, unacceptable."
"And we all know how fond Sirius is of his sausage!" Tonks said, causing another round of giggles.
Sirius pouted and stuck his nose in the air.
"So, anyway," Remus continued, "I went down to the infirmary the next morning really early, as usual - you know, so I wouldn't run into anyone and have them ask what was wrong, and no sooner had Madam Pomfrey tucked me in…"
February 15, 1976
Hospital Wing
"There you are, dear," Madam Pomfrey cooed, tucking in a corner of Remus' sheets. She smiled at him and reached up to run a hand through his hair when the door burst open with such force that it bounced off the wall and nearly hit the person who had barged in.
"Madam Pomfrey, I think I'm dying!" a terrified, pyjama-clad Sirius Black cried.
The Matron rushed towards him. "What happened? Where does is hurt? Mr. Black, what on earth do you think you're doing?!"
Sirius had not waited to be shown to a bed or even for the door to close behind James and Peter, both of whom had rushed in behind him, before dropping his pants in the middle of the Hospital Wing. Four pairs of eyebrows went up and Madam Pomfrey shrieked.
"Sirius Black, pull your pants back up this instant!"
"But look at it! It's green!"
Madam Pomfrey seethed and flicked her wand, sending Sirius' pyjama pants back up to his waist where they belonged, but by the face Sirius made, she may have used a bit more force than was strictly necessary. "Step behind this screen," she said curtly.
Sirius walked shakily over to the white barrier, talking the whole time. "... Josie Wilkins - the 'Puff Prefect - and we were fooling around and we got caught and she left and I woke up like this! But I used all the right charms, I swear! Did I catch something from her? Should you get her down here? Should we warn her? Am I going to die? Will - "
"Mr. Black, be quiet!"
James snorted quietly, and he and Peter made their way over to Remus and sat down on his bed. "His cock's green," James said.
"Yeah, I saw," Remus replied.
"What d'you reckon happened?"
Remus shrugged innocently. "Might have been hit with a Colovaria Charm."
James and Peter both laughed at that.
"Do you think it was Josie?" Peter asked. "She left in an awful snit last night."
"Perhaps," Remus said. "Or, more likely, one of his roommates got pissed off at finding him, yet again, occupying the dorm for extra-curricular activities."
Both boy's heads snapped around to stare at Remus.
"Moony - "
"You didn't - "
"I did."
James made a choking noise while Peter stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from laughing. Their eyes darted back and forth between Remus and the white curtain, behind which Sirius' ramblings had taken on a pitiful tone.
"I didn't realize he'd take it so… well, seriously," Remus admitted. "I thought he'd know it was a joke."
"Oh, no, mate," Peter said. "He got up this morning, went for a piss and came out screaming."
"I've never seen him look so scared," James added.
"Hmm," Remus hummed, starting to feel a bit bad.
"Oh, no you don't," James said, shaking a finger at him. "He deserved it. Let him have a bit of a freak-out. Madam Pomfrey will tell him there's nothing wrong with him and the Colovaria wears off after a few days and everything will be back to normal."
"I hope not," Remus growled, not wanting Sirius to forget about it too quickly, despite feeling a little guilty about being the source of his friend's mental anguish.
James chuckled evilly as they listened to Madam Pomfrey tell Sirius that he was, indeed, perfectly healthy, and that all she could find was lingering traces of a Colovaria Charm, although how he'd wound up getting hit with one she'd never know, and it would wear off within the week.
It was silent behind the curtain, then - very slowly - Sirius stepped out and looked directly at Remus with narrowed eyes. Remus stared back unapologetically as James and Peter howled with laughter. Cocking a haughty eyebrow, Sirius strode out of the Hospital Wing with as much dignity as he could muster.
Madam Pomfrey shook her head in a long-suffering way. "That boy…"
Still laughing, James and Peter waved goodbye to Remus and followed Sirius...
Summer 1995
12 Grimmauld Place
"Of course, you have to remember," Remus said, "that this was 1976. We were just beginning to learn about sexually transmitted diseases - "
"It could have fallen off!" Sirius cried indignantly.
"No, it couldn't have," Remus sighed.
"But I thought it could have!" Sirius argued, much to the amusement of the room. "Josie was a Muggle-born! For all I knew, I'd contracted some weird Muggle sex disease!"
Remus laughed. "And that's not even the best part!"
"It's not?" Tonks asked. "What happened then?"
"Well, James and Peter couldn't stop laughing about it over breakfast and it got out that Sirius'... area… had turned green," Remus said. "Sirius couldn't get another date the rest of the year! None of the girls wanted anything to do with him!"
The room erupted with shrieks of laughter once again and Sirius glared at Remus.
"I hate you."