The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters is all over the Internet. Just some madness inspired by real life.
Cobraleaks
"MEN SHALL SUFFER FOR THIS!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming in the Cobra Command Center Official Meeting Room. The screams were followed by the sounds of blasters and people running for their lives.
"Typical. I leave for two hours to attend to some personal business and I come back to anarchy," Destro walked to the doors of the room. "I swear if I ever did leave Cobra for good this organization would fall apart faster than a briefcase made out of recycled paper bags left out in the rain."
CRASH!
"Commander control yourself!" The Baroness snapped as she ran out of the room and shut the door behind her. The sound of something breaking behind the door was heard. "What am I saying? The man has less self-control than Charlie Sheen on a bender."
"Do I want to know what happened this time?" Destro sighed.
"No. But I will tell you anyway," The Baroness ran her hand through her hair in order to straighten it. "I assume you have heard of the whole Wikileaks controversy?"
"You'd have to be a hermit cut off from all news of the outside world or a complete moron to not know," Destro nodded.
"What's a Wikileak?" Torch walked up munching on a candy bar like object.
"Case in point," Destro pointed to Torch. "Torch what are you doing? I ask even though I know the answer will cause my stomach to turn."
"I went on a fried candy bar run," Torch told him. He showed him the half-eaten concoction. "Want some?"
"There goes my appetite and half of my will to live," Destro moaned. "Right on schedule."
"I'll handle this one Destro," The Baroness said. "Torch, Wikileaks is a website that puts up secret documents and private memos for everyone to read. Mostly highly sensitive government documents and communications."
"Oh it's one of those tell all websites," Torch nodded. "Just without the sex and racy videos right?"
"Pretty much it in a nutshell," Destro said. "Nice to see you grasp the context for once."
"I'm not completely stupid about Internet stuff," Torch snorted. "I mean I did figure out how to upload all the Dreadnok's faces to that one website that made us all look like dancing elves for our annual Dreadnok Christmas letter."
"That is an accomplishment," Destro remarked. "For you."
"Exactly," Torch smirked. "And I'm teaching myself how to use that Word thingy program so I can make lists of all my comic books and write proper angry letters to all those sports teams I hate."
"Good for you Torch. I always said there is room in every man's life for self-improvement," Destro winced as Torch took another bite of his fried candy bar. "In your case there's enough room for a high income suburb complete with a shopping mall."
"Well apparently government files aren't the only things that are on Wikileaks now," The Baroness sighed.
"Don't tell me there are Cobra files on that site?" Destro blinked.
CRASH!
"All right. I won't tell you," The Baroness replied.
"BRING ME THE HEAD OF JULIAN ASSANGE!" Cobra Commander screamed.
"This is going to be another one of those afternoons again isn't it?" Destro moaned as they went into the room.
The room was a mess, filled with destroyed machinery, several holes and bloodstains on the walls and one chair was lodged into the celling. "Xamot! Tomax! Mindbender I want you three to find out what sort of garbage is on that website! Not to mention hunt down and disembowel those responsible for this mess!" Cobra Commander hissed. The other Dreadnoks were in the room as well as a few other Cobra aides. "Destro! Have you heard about the latest plague I have to suffer through?"
"The way the Commander's screaming you can hear him all the way to Iceland," Zartan muttered under his breath.
"The Baroness has informed me of the situation. How many files are uploaded on there?" Destro asked.
"We haven't gone through the complete listing but our nearest estimate is about three or four…thousand," Mindbender winced.
"Three or four thousand? Impossible! How can that many sensitive documents been leaked?" Cobra Commander snapped. "This isn't the CIA! How did this happen?"
"Our investigation has only just begun Cobra Commander but we already have a few leads on possible leaks," Mindbender said.
"What leaks? How could Cobra's most top secret information get out for the entire world to see?" Cobra Commander snapped.
"Well for starters do you remember all those Cobra Troopers we laid off last year?" Mindbender asked. "Squad S 36?"
"The squad that got drunk and attacked a convenience store with a Hiss Tank and wearing only their face masks and their underwear?" Cobra Commander blinked. "Didn't I have them shot?"
"No, you only told us to fire them," Xamot said.
"I said to fire them out of a cannon!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"We only heard you say fire them," Tomax said.
"As I recall you were rather blitzed yourself that day," Destro said. "And you know how you tend to slur a little bit when you talk and then pass out mid-sentence?"
"Yes, yes…The point is we fired them! So what?" Cobra Commander huffed.
"So they were rather disgruntled," Xamot said.
"And as some disgruntled employees tend to do they took a few things home with them from the office," Tomax said.
"What sort of things?" Cobra Commander asked.
"The usual things. Cash from the soda machines. Some toilet paper. Some paperclips and office supplies. A few laser blasters and some grenades," Tomax explained.
"A few blueprints for the laser blasters to sell on the black market," Xamot added. "Maybe one or two plans for Trouble Bubbles and Hiss Tanks. The older models of course."
"A few ounces of plutonium," Tomax went on.
"And one or two small short range missiles," Xamot finished.
"That's it?" Cobra Commander blinked. "That's not so bad."
"Yeah the Dreadnoks steal more than that every other weekend," Zartan agreed.
"And who doesn't take some plutonium and try to sell it on the black market every now and then?" Cobra Commander asked. "Well if that's all they took we were all worried over nothing!"
"They also took several pictures and videos from last year's Christmas party," Xamot gave him a look.
"Oh crap," Cobra Commander moaned. "We're dead."
"How much is on there?" Destro asked.
"Everything. Or almost everything," Tomax groaned. "The list Mindbender made of the top ten reasons it's a good idea to date your science project."
"Followed by the top ten reasons it's a bad idea to date your science project," Xamot groaned.
"The chicken fights," Tomax went on.
"The nude relay races in the halls," Xamot sighed.
"Mindbender getting into a screaming match with his science project slash date," Tomax added. "Then there's the footage of his date throwing Mindbender in the punch bowl and then going on a rampage killing several people."
"Oh yeah," Torch nodded. "I'll never forget all that blood splattered on that Christmas tree. That was cool."
"Of course you enjoyed yourself. You and the other Dreadnoks were the ones that set that creature on fire," Zartan gave him a look. "Consequently also setting several other people on fire, the room and eventually the entire base."
"They also have the part where Cobra Commander covered himself in tinsel and danced around in a drunken stupor," Xamot added. "And the hired hookers beating him up when his credit card expired."
"Destro and the Baroness making out in the closet," Tomax added.
"The hilarious antics of the Dreadnoks in the copy room as well as all the photocopies they made," Xamot glared at the Dreadnoks. "And of that pig Buzzer brought. And those sheep Road Pig brought."
"So much for Wikileaks not having any sex on it," Torch remarked.
"There was also that minor riot among the survivors when they learned that they would not be getting any type of holiday bonus," Xamot added.
"Not to mention that rogue ninja attack in the parking lot," Tomax groaned.
"In other words a Christmas party gone bad that could happen in any other company or corporation," Cobra said. "Embarrassing but not the worst thing in the world."
"From what I can gather that only accounts for a half dozen files on this website," Zartan looked over the information. "Where did the rest of it come from?"
"We're getting to that," Xamot sighed. "Due to Cobra's continuing cash crisis Extensive Enterprises had to cut corners and lay off a few workers"
"Including a few accountants who felt wronged and had access to many sensitive files as well as the financial records of Cobra," Tomax sighed.
"That's the worst thing in the world…." Cobra Commander winced. "And you two geniuses didn't think they would get revenge?"
"Well they did threaten revenge…" Xamot winced.
"To be fair it's kind of hard to take a threat seriously from ninety eight pound accountants dressed up like Klingons with allergies," Tomax shrugged.
"Do we want to know…?" Destro gave them a look.
"Not really," The Twins replied.
"So what exactly did they put up on there?" Cobra Commander sank into a chair.
"Well uh…." Xamot gulped. He looked at his twin.
"Uh based on minimal observation…" Tomax began.
"We've only just begun our investigation so we don't have all the data we need to completely understand the impact…" Xamot added.
"Then give me a rough estimation," Cobra Commander hissed.
"Well uh…" Tomax said. "Based on what data we've seen so far…"
"And just based on a very brief look," Xamot added. "Very brief."
"Extremely brief," Tomax added. "Keep in mind this is not a complete picture…"
"Then tell me what you do see so I can fill in the blanks!" Cobra Commander snarled. The Twins looked at each other. "Well? What's on there? Spit it out!"
"From what we can figure out…" Xamot gulped.
"We estimate that the amount of data linking Cobra to Extensive Enterprise…" Tomax added.
"And consequently all of Cobra's financial dealings…" Xamot gulped. "Amounts to…"
"Everything," Both twins spoke at the same time.
"What do you mean by 'everything'?" Destro blinked. "Could you explain that?"
"Everything is pretty much…" Tomax began.
"Self-explanatory," Xamot added.
"Everything as in…Proof that Cobra and Extensive Enterprises are connected?" Cobra Commander asked.
"Yes," The Twins agreed.
"And that you two are not only the heads of the corporation but the head of Cobra Commander's private elite guard?" Destro added.
"Yes," The Twins winced.
"And by everything do you mean all of Cobra's financial dealings, stock portfolios and projected business ventures?" Cobra Commander asked.
"That too…" The Twins winced.
"Don't tell me there are also lists of investors, business connections and any other contact Extensive Enterprises has on that site?" Destro growled. "Including all of my company's trades, sales and contacts?"
"Afraid so…" Tomax admitted.
"Well that explains why almost all my clients called me this afternoon to cancel nearly every contract the Mars Corporation has!" Destro barked. "Great! Now I'm stuck with a surplus of portable short range nuclear missiles!"
"You could always sell them to Iran and North Korea," Cobra Commander suggested.
"Who do you think the order was for?" Destro snapped.
"Are those the same missiles I sold you?" Cobra Commander asked. "Those prototypes we made? The ones with the slight leakage problem?"
"What do you think?" Destro snarled.
"I think we need to get some new business contacts," Cobra Commander moaned. "Crimson Twins! How could you let this happen? I thought you employed the best hackers and computer technicians in the world in order to prevent something like this from happening!"
"We did," Xamot said.
"Until you ordered us to fire them," Tomax said. "Keep in mind this was after the debacle of the Christmas party."
"I didn't order you to fire them. I ordered you to set them on fire!" Cobra Commander snapped. "At least I think I ordered you to set them on fire. I'm not really sure. It's kind of fuzzy."
"You really have got to hold off your drinking during those personnel meetings," Destro gave Cobra Commander a look.
"Maybe that's not such a bad idea," Cobra Commander groaned.
"Giving up drinking?" The Baroness asked.
"No, getting a drink now," Cobra Commander looked around. "Where the hell did I hide my private stash? Don't tell me I went through it already!"
"Not like you haven't spent enough on alcohol," Mindbender said as he looked at the computer. "According to this last year you spent more or bourbon than you did on tanks."
"That's on there too?" Cobra Commander was stunned.
"Among other things," Mindbender sighed.
"Does it have my baseball card and comic book collection portfolio on it?" Torch asked.
"All fifty seven dollars and thirty seven cents worth," Mindbender sighed.
"Oh bloody hell!" Torch snapped. "I knew I shouldn't have traded all my Spidey Comics for Little Lulu!"
"It also has all of Cobra's cost saving strategies on there," The Baroness took a look. "Our plans to eliminate more troopers and replace even more of them with synthoids in order to save money."
"That's going to go over well with the union," Zartan groaned.
"There's even a list of where Cobra gets all their toilet paper from," Buzzer looked.
"Yup, all the convenience store bathrooms we hit and what order to do it in every month," Monkeywrench nodded.
"No wonder Ranjeet was looking at me funny this afternoon when I went on my fried candy bar run," Torch realized. "And why his assistant was guarding the bathroom door with a broom."
"Unfortunately that isn't even the most damaging information on here," Tomax sighed.
"There's more?" Destro asked.
"Afraid so," Xamot said. "There are also several copies of various lawsuits and court documents past and present."
"There's a warrant out for Cobra Commander in Nevada because he didn't show up for that lawsuit that brothel slammed him with," Tomax explained.
"Several detailed arrest reports on the Dreadnoks' various activities," Tomax spoke. "Including that incident in the aquarium."
"I don't know what the big deal is. It's not like fish don't go to the bathroom in the water," Torch grumbled.
"Yeah where do you think they go? Plus that giant lobster and sharks we threw on the Barbie were mighty tasty," Ripper agreed.
"There's also a polygamy charge against Mindbender on here," Xamot's eyes widened.
"What?" Cobra Commander yelled. "Wait…Mindbender married…more than one woman as in he found more than one woman to…?" Everyone looked at him.
"Okay now before you all jump to conclusions and think I'm weird…" Mindbender began.
"Too late," The Baroness quipped.
"That ship sailed a long time ago," Zartan agreed.
"I can explain this. I needed a fake wife for a business meeting with some conservative Japanese mad scientists," Mindbender explained. "I won't go into the details but I made up a fake marriage certificate as well as a fake bride in my lab. A week later I was at another Mad Scientist convention in Las Vegas and had created another date in my lab to escort me and make me look good. Well the champagne was flowing and one thing led to another and the next thing I knew we were at one of those twenty four hour wedding halls and…"
"We get the picture," Destro interrupted. "Vividly."
"Eventually the two science projects got together and compared notes, went on a rampage in my lab and escaped to the nearest courthouse to slap me with a lawsuit," Mindbender sighed. "Fortunately for me their DNA was unstable and within a few days both of my experimental brides exploded and were completely destroyed along with an obscure therapist's office. Long story short the case has long been thrown out of court and the prosecuting attorney is now in Barbados. Don't look at me like that! It's not like I slept with either of them or anything! I didn't have time to!"
"Actually that explanation does sound more plausible than you finding two different women willing to marry you," Destro admitted.
"Do not make smart remarks at me, Destro. I am not the one with twelve paternity suits scattered all over the globe," Mindbender snapped.
"WHAT?" The Baroness shouted. "LET ME SEE THAT! DESTRO…"
"Lies! All lies instigated by gold diggers!" Destro protested. The Baroness looked at the computer then looked back at Destro. "Well most of them are lies…I can explain about the ones in Jamaica and Scotland…"
"YOU CHEATING BASTARD!" The Baroness shouted. She pulled out her blaster. Destro gulped and ran for his life. "WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU…" She started to fire her blaster and chased after him.
"All right. Who all saw that coming?" Zartan asked cheerfully. Everyone in the room raised their hands.
"BARONESS MY LOVE! I CAN EXPLAIN! THOSE OTHER WOMEN MEANT NOTHING TO ME!" Destro yelled. "OW!"
"DIE YOU SCOTTISH PHLIANDERING GIT!" The Baroness yelled.
"Could see that coming a mile away," Buzzer snickered.
"Well those two are not going to be any help for a while," Cobra Commander sighed. "Even longer if the Baroness' aim has improved."
"YEOWWWWWWWWWW!"
"It has," Cobra Commander sighed. "What do you know? There really is such a thing as too much information."