Actually, I have no idea where this came from. I just kinda felt like writing it. So...here goes nothing.
Another party, another night out… another drunken night out, pushing my body to exhaustion, because only tiring my mind and my body out gives my tired soul the much needed sleep.
Another song, another dance, another drink…another girl, testing my limits. But are there any limits? Well yes, there's one limit: I'm dying. The disease is my limit. But it's the only limit there is. I'm dying anyway, so why bother how? Hence…no limits.
I should be glad that you left me. You gave me limits even if sometimes they were only in my mind. I don't want this. I don't want limits. I'm dying, that's a big enough limit, don't you think?
So I dance without shame, drink without even thinking about stopping and make out not caring what tomorrow will bring.
As I come home in the morning, I crawl into my bed. My hurting feet pumping like my sped up heartbeat. My whole body is sore. My chest is aching from my various asthma attacks, my arms feel like they're hanging lose at my body, the only way for me to still know they belong to my body, is that I see them melted to my shoulders.
I close my eyes, already used to the marry-go-round that's being produced behind my eyelids. I don't really care. Just as I feel my whole body relaxing into the sheets, my mind starts producing coherent thoughts again. I wonder how this is even possible. The alcohol should have numbed my brain completely. I can still feel it running through my body, creating chaos everywhere but somehow it left my brain. I mean that's what this was all about right? Stopping the thoughts running through my mind. How could it just leave my mind and make me think again? How could you just leave me?
I can't take this. I can't stand the pain so I stand up again, staggering a little in the process. I stumble my way to the bathroom and turn the shower on. Slowly I take of my shirt and look at my so-called flawless body. The scars, the bruises, the wounds. I can see them…they can't. Running my hand through my messed up hair, I sigh loudly and continue undressing myself, taking off my shorts and underwear.
Slowly I step into the shower, letting the steam surround my body. For a short amount of time, it makes me feel less alone. For a short amount of time, it fills me with warmth. For a short amount of time, it makes things better.
The hot water purls down on me, washes over me, washes me away. I feel the dried sweat leave my skin and my frozen limps warming up. My tense muscles begin to relax after being hit by the water a little while. I rest my hands next to the shower head and lower my head, letting the water fall down on my back and the nape of my neck, my hair creating a curtain around my face, shielding me from the outside.
As I take a deep breath through my nose, your smell hits me. Yes sometimes I still smell you!
I take the soap and rub the liquid all over my body, filling the cabin with the smell of melon. Why melon? Because it's far from what you smelt like. Very far. I bought it two days ago and I'm glad that I did. I can't use the same one as I used to because when you stayed overnight you used it and smelt just like me. Yes, because of you I can't even use the same shampoo anymore. What else do you want from me? Come on, tell me! You can have it! You can have everything! I don't need it. I'm dying anyway. Take all of me, I don't care but stay the fuck out of my head.
And so I go to work the next day after almost no sleep, go through my routine as I do every day. I do my job, change after work and drive to another club.
Another party, another night out…
Another song, another dance, another drink…
That's it. I know it's short. Just tell me if you liked it ;)