Operation Rachel (Puck's internal monologue)
I don't own a thing.
Fucking fuck, Jesse and Rachael should not be dating.
Not because I want to date her or anything of course, it's just well they're like the same.
No seriously St James is basically a more fucked up version of her, which is so wrong.
I mean those things that Rachael does? Like the scary-ass smile and intense planning and the obsession with musicals? They are so not as cute on a guy.
Not that Rachel is cute, as a badass I don't do cute. I do hot, smoking hot. Not that I find Berry hot.
Ok this is coming out wrong. I just don't appreciate Rachel dating a member of the opposite team. Our competition.
Just imagine if I started dating one of the idiots from the opposing team in football, the dudes would kick my traitor ass.
Not that I would date the opposition in football cause they are all dudes and Puck? Puck likes the ladies.
And I should probably add at this point that the ladies, they fucking love me. Apart from Rachael freaking Berry, she'd rather date a big fucking girl. Not that I care. I need to find me a lady...
It's just he is totally like a mini Mr Schue and I know Crazy had that teacher thing going on with Schue for a while but this? This is just weird. You do not date the younger version of your Spanish teacher!
Just imagine if I went around looking for a younger version of like Miss Sylvester, like her exact twin but like ten years younger? That shit is freaky and I won't even deny it. A little bit hot.
But why the hell can't Rachel see that the freak is only using her to gain insider knowledge? How was it they described it in history? Espionage? Yeah it's fucking espionage? What sort of team captain is she, leading the other teams revolution?
Not cool.
I'm just going to have to tell her, set it to her straight, something Jesse by the way is not. Don't think I haven't seen him checking out the Puckerone. Cause he does, all the freaking time.
So I'll just walk up to her and put this all right, for the good of the group.
Oh shit there she is, not that I'm scared, I just don't want her to get all weepy when I give her the facts.
"Hey Crazy we need to talk." Oh yeah shit is going to go down.
"Listen to me, I think you need to reassess your relationship with Jesse fucking St James, dude's an ass" That's right the Puckmister is using is big words today. She's raising an eyebrow. Tell her about the espionage.
"It's just I can't help but feel..."
Espionage
"That you are..."
Fucking tell her about the espionage.
"Well that there is a serious,"
Espionage. Espionage. Espionage. Espionage.
"Well point being you and Jesse,"
Espionage. He's all about the espionage.
"Oh fuck it Rachel I fucking love you!"
Shit! Not cool Puckerman, crap! Abort mission retreat, run! Oh holy mother of she's coming towards you. Re-fucking-treat. What's she doing? Oh crap she's going to fucking-
Kiss me? Well not bad Puckerman.
Mission suck it to Jesse St James? Accomplished.