When you died, it was raining
See, the skies were mourning when you left
Perhaps the clouds knew how terrible it was
To lose someone as amazing as you
Or perhaps, the heavens were crying
For the hearts you've left behind
I have no idea which one feels worse,
The idea of losing a very good person
with a beautiful, golden heart,
or the idea of other people losing
a very essential part of their lives that was you.
You were the best that you were,
And you will always be for the ones
who love you the most.
Please rest in peace.
The world misses you.
Lima, Ohio
Puck came home that Sunday morning from another stoning party. He couldn't remember where or who hosted the said party. Maybe he was a tad bit to drunk. He staggered across the small dorm room he and his best friend Finn had shared over the couple of months while they were in college.
The sun was almost halfway up through the sky and Puck's stomach growled. In two great strides, he had reached the small refrigerator that sat in a corner of the small cramped room. It's not normal for Finn to be out so early on a Sunday morning since the bigger man never goes out and lived like a hermit in the recluse of his dorm room. However, Puck didn't mind. Finn was unusually fond of taking lonesome walks around town, ever since he had been admitted to college.
He rummaged through a couple of cold remnants of what seemed to be a greasy chicken, a bowl of overcooked ramen noodles and a few pieces of fortune cookies. He finally found his luck and fumbled for a reheatable pizza. He quickly scooted over to the microwave oven that Finn had installed some weeks ago to help himself towards a breakfast.
After devouring his breakfast, Puck quickly hurled himself towards the double bunk bed he and Finn had shared. He was supposed to have the top bunk, but from his heavy eyes, he thought that maybe, Finn could understand when he comes home. He's been away since Friday night, jumping from one party to another, spending a Saturday with the girl he hooked up on Friday night, and then spent his Saturday night in a club he forgot the name of. He tried to remember it.
He fell asleep through the two minutes of trying to think what club was it.
It was dark when Puck woke up. The whole dorm room was unlit, and the only thing that illuminated the whole of the room was the pale light that poured in through the window from the streetlight outside. In his drunken stupor, Puck had forgotten to draw the blinds down. The air was cold, too. Still no sign of Finn. Puck wandered to the fridge and remembered that it had nothing to offer him, except for the last of the fortune cookies. He grunted and slipped on his sneakers. He needs to get some decent food.
When he got back from the Thai restaurant that he and Finn secretly loved so much there was still no sign of Finn. Puck tried to call him on his cellular phone but it was just ringing, and no one had picked it up. Maybe Finn wanted to think, Puck thought. Finn had been a little bit quieter lately, he added in his mind.
Putting the worry aside, Puck just tried to eat his dinner.
Puck went to sleep afterwards, not bothering to lock the door in case Finn comes in during the night. The hours ticked away to morning. Around five-thirty in the morning, Puck was awakened by the incessant vibration of his cell phone. He grumbled for a moment, but then again, he picked it up.
"Hello?" he said, the sleep dripping from his voice.
"Hey, Puck," Finn's voice was somewhat drowned by a lot of commotion Puck couldn't figure out. Finn sounded like he was at a subway or something, like an airport. It was weird.
"Hey, bro...what's up?" Puck replied, wondering why Finn wasn't home and why he's calling so early. Maybe he needed a ride home.
"I'm good. Don't come looking for me, okay? I'm fine here. Don't worry," Finn said.
Immediately, Puck went from half-awake to fully awake. He hadn't realized that Finn hadn't been home for like, four days already. "Man, where you at? I can give you a ride if you want a ride."
"No, I'm fine here, Puck. Seriously, don't try to contact me again, I'll talk to you soon. And don't tell anyone anything about this."
"But, man, what about college?" Puck asked.
"I need this, Puckerman. Please," Finn's voice was quiet and firm. There was a click and then Puck realized Finn had hung up.
Puck scrambled to trace back the call that was made, but then, he couldn't trace it. Maybe his GPS was bummed out, or maybe...Finn had turned off his phone. He did not have a chance to know about it. He's late for his first class.
Two dragging weeks had passed. Finn hasn't been home in two weeks, but nothing of his own were being intervened by Puck. His desk laid with a book open, his blue highlighter almost falling off the edge of the teak desktop. Puck pushed it back to safety. Puck sighed – it's so lonely without his best friend.
More than once, Puck had thought of calling Rachel, or Kurt, or Santana, asking whether Finn was in New York with them. But when he tried to dial any of the phone numbers of his former Glee members and as he waited for someone to take the call while it's ringing, Finn's quiet and ghostly voice would start eating away at him.
"...don't tell anyone about this..."
The voice won't let on until Puck hangs up before the call was even taken on the other line.
On the third week, Puck's phone rang with an unknown caller. Thinking that it was one of the girls he had flirted with the last weekend, he decided to take the call. "Hello?"
"Hey, Puck...it's me," Finn's voice came across the line.
"Hey, man, wherever you been all this time? I'm worried shit."
"Don't be such a wuss, Puck," Finn chuckled on the other line. "I'm fine. What about you?"
"I'm okay. I hate to tell this, but, no more help here, and no more fun parties," Puck drawled, hoping to make Finn realize that he needs to be back in Ohio.
Finn chuckled again. Puck could notice that Finn's chuckle had changed. It had shifted to more of a grown-up chuckle. "Nah, I'll pass, Puck."
"Sure you're fine, man?"
"Yeah," Puck heard Finn say, and there was another voice he had picked up on the other line that harshly growled something about time's up.
"What the time up, Finn? Why you're being timed up?" Puck asked, and then the line was disconnected. He ran his hand through his head, hoping to draw some kind of strength from the fine stubble on his head.
It was another three weeks when Finn called Puck again. This time, there was an enormous clambering of utensils, several people yelling at the same time, a dog barking that was on the background of the call. Puck strained to hear what Finn had been saying.
"Puck," he said amidst the noise. "I sent you a package, along with it is a letter. I need you to give it to Rachel by Hanukkah when she comes home to Lima to be with her dads. Please, Puck. Do it for me."
"Yeah, man, sure..." Puck trailed off as the line went dead.
A few days after, Puck received a parcel covered in yellow wrapping paper, and a two letters from Finn. It didn't have a return address, but he opened the letter anyway. Puck looked into the parcel and found a his dark gray hoodie Finn had borrowed the last time he saw him. He started to read Finn's handwritten letter.
Puck,
You might be thinking, what the fuck is this Finnocence? But, here, in this letter I will explain to you something, something so important, Puck. I left. And I really have no idea why. Maybe part of why I left, was to find about why, you know...something like that.
I'm always sure that being a soldier wasn't really for me, but after McKinley, you know I went. My mom thought I was too dense to make it to college, but hey, I got where you are right now. But, maybe, something else is calling me.
I am here in Basilan, and you've probably never heard of it, Puck. I was part of the Balikatan Squadron. You know, when American soldiers help the Filipino ones fight and do things together. I've never told anyone where am I right now, except you, because I know, that you are smart enough to stay in Lima and keep an eye on things for me. Especially, Rachel, Puck. Please watch over her. I know, deep down inside you, Rachel was the sister you've never had.
You might ask, what have I been thinking when I signed up. Maybe you might even provide your own answer. Maybe you'd say, "oh Finn didn't think about me or Rachel or the friends he is leaving behind..."
Truth is, Puck, when I signed up, I was thinking of all of you, everyone in glee – even Santana, who slapped me so hard one time. And Rachel, especially. Of all people, Rachel was the only person that had kept me through the hard days and nights I had spent sitting under the trenches, hoping against hope I'd be able to come home with my limbs intact.
This is the first letter I have sent home. The other one was for Rachel, please give it to her, it's important.
- Finn
P.S. You can keep my highlighter.
Puck sat a very long time on Finn's desk, running his fingers among the smooth teak. In his letter, Finn had enclosed a picture of him in Army uniforms, smiling with the other soldiers. A small sob tore through Puck. There had been a bond of brotherhood between them, something unexplainable by own terms and all that stuff they won't dare talk about to other people. They were brothers from different mothers.
Reverently, Puck closed the letter, and folded it along the the edge neatly and he stuck it inside his drawer. For a while, Puck considered partying, but instead, he opened his book and started to study.
New York City
Santana walked around the room with just a thinning t-shirt and her panties as she collected the mail. Kurt was sitting on the kitchen table, and Rachel was battering the pancakes.
"Please don't tell me you didn't meet the mailman with that shirt on," Kurt exclaimed.
Santana rolled her eyes at the creamy-skinned boy. "Please, fairy boy... I know you want this rack," she said while pointing to her chest.
"Please no," Kurt feigned disgust.
Rachel caught both of their attention when she happily spun around and plunked two plates of stacked pancakes in front of Kurt and Santana. Without being told, the two of them started to devour the pancake like a plague of locusts. Rachel, on the other hand, waited for her potatoes to boil and she started to sort the mail.
"Santana, you really should start to earn sorting mails, no?" Rachel clucked as she separated the billing letters from the letters sent to them by families and friends. "Bills, bills, Uncle Troop, Mr. Schue...invitation, postcard...bills...bills...Finn..." she trailed off.
The sudden halt of the clinking utensils had told Rachel that Santana and Kurt stopped eating and were now looking at her with wide eyes. She waved the simple letter above her head, and she tired to smile. Finn had never written her something, he'd rather call than write.
She took the butter knife lying on Santana's plate and tore the envelope open.
Rachel,
Hey. I hope you're having a good day in New York now. By the time this letter would've reached you, it would be a week or so, if the Postal Service goes on by the fast lane. Rachel, you might be wondering why you haven't heard from me for like, seven weeks. It's because I am sent overseas to fight for our country.
I don't know why I left. I left in a hurry. Maybe because I wanted to forget. But I never wanted to forget you. Sometimes, I just feel so overwhelmed.
Like the way I am overwhelmed now I am missing you.
Don't be sad and don't you miss me. I'll be back before you know it. And when I come back, I will make you my wife. I just need this few months. Two months tops.
Love,
Finn
Rachel covered her mouth to stifle the sob that escaped her lips. Santana and Kurt both rushed beside her to support her. When her breathing turned back to normal, Santana was the first to ask.
"Why, Rachel?" she asked, and it was the very few times that, Santana did not call her with a spiteful name, and it showed that Santana truly cared.
"He...he...went with the Army...overseas," Rachel gulped.
"What?" a shocked Santana and a shocked Kurt simultaneously asked. Santana added a "what the actual fuck did he think..." and Kurt just shook his head.
"Why, of all jobs he could have," Santana flailed her arms hysterically as she yelled. "He chose to be a soldier..."
Rachel didn't say a word, and so did Kurt. They knew that the angry side of the Latina was surfacing. It was her way of coping. Kurt and Rachel and Brittany had long understood that.
There was a silence as the realization that they can't do anything about it, Santana quickly peeled away from them, stomping to her room. Kurt walked as if he was a ghost, and Rachel was left on the sofa, crying and trying to process everything that was brought by the letter.
Sibutu, Basilan, Philippines
The foliage was thick as Lt. Cortez advanced across the soft jungle floor. Finn was clambering behind him, along with two other American soldiers. He had a heavy M-16 rifle slung over his left shoulder, and his big deuce gear stuck out over his back.
He parted the leaves ahead and advanced. They had been scouting around a rebel camp two weeks already. The trek transitioned into a slippery to a rocky one. Finn could judge that they were starting to move upward.
Lt. Cortez held up his fist, a symbol for them to halt. Finn crouched behind the first line of soldiers. Ahead of him, the hill dangerously crept up to a ledge, and it looked down a steep gorge. Smoke came out from the gorge and he could see several people, cooking their lunch for the day in open fires, the casseroles were placed upon three stones formed into a triangle and laid on the ground. Some women were hovering banana leaves over an open fire pit. He had learned few weeks ago that these fire-warmed banana leaves served as their plate.
He gulped at the population of people living in that tiny, secluded gorge. They were brothers, not by blood but by belief. He could see Lt. Cortez from his peripheral vision sign silently to the next soldier to hand the horn to Finn.
Finn accepted it and started to radio back to the base. He switched the transmitter on. "This is Birch One to Base, Birch One to base...in position. I repeat, Birch One to Base, target visual affirmative, in position...over..."
"Roger that, Birch One...stay at your positions...secure visuals..."
"Visual affirmative..."
"Copy that," the static overrode the voice. Finn put the receiver down. HE quickly put it back in its case and handed it back to the jarhead beside him, and the soldier handed it back to Lt. Cortez.
They set up hidden cameras, EWDs before leaving. They traveled under the dark ink of the night and it was almost morning when Finn and the troop arrived at the base. He quickly wrote Rachel another letter. This time, it was a very special letter. He made it in time that he was able to let the soldier who was supposed to do the mail take it with him. After writing, he stretched his tired, aching legs as he sat on the bed and pulled out the wallet that was in his cammie pocket.
Rachel's picture was smiling at him.
He smiled back, even though he knew that, Rachel is in New York, thousands of miles apart. He did not mind. When the Balikatan is over, he would come back to Rachel...he wanted to go home now, he wanted to be there with Rachel, finish college, make everyone proud of him, not because he was just a high school football superstar, but because he was someone who had cared enough and who had seen life.
He sighed as his eyes grew heavy and he slept.
three days later
Finn woke up as the ground shook. The alarm was blaring off around camp, and he sat up on his bed, alert and gun at the ready. He looked to another private who was rushing to put his right foot into his right combat boots.
The rebels were attacking the base.
Outside, Finn could hear the distant gunshots getting nearer and nearer. Another jolt. Bombs were damn overflowing and over exploding all over. He hurried to get out of the bunkhouse. He barely made it to the door.
Finn ran across the field to the very first rows of trenches. A man fell down in front of him as Finn squeezed the trigger tight. Two more men fell and Finn kept on shooting. He only stopped to reload and he stood up again...when another explosion sounded through the air and he could hear something ripping through his clothes. Miraculously, Finn could feel nothing. He could feel nothing and the sounds and the sights around the camp went into a hush.
It was weird, but the whole camp, the whole happening, all the ricocheting bombs, the bullets flying through the air...they all seemed to be a soundless movie to Finn.
His eyes felt heavy and his body was kind of in a trance. He felt cold, but his heart was pumping with a maddened beating against his chest. Finally, his heavy eyelids won the best of him and he gave in. Finn closed his eyes as he thought of Rachel, just like he always does in the night.
He felt like floating on something...like he was in mid-air. He could hear Rachel's voice calling him.
"Finn...Finn..." he could see her silhouette in the dark McKinley hallway. "Finn..."
She was smiling at him, and she was wearing a white dress.
Finn could do nothing but smile back at her, because she looked so perfect at the moment.
New York City
Santana walked around the room in her oversized Cardinals shirt and her black lace panties as she carried the mail to Rachel, who was reading a magazine on the couch. Santana handed her the sorted bills and smiled at the brunette.
"See, I know how to sort 'em," Santana grinned. "Oh, and let me have that one," he picked a pink envelope that silently told Rachel it was either from Brittany or from Sugar. Kurt was home for two weeks.
"I see," Rachel smiled and she picked up a white envelope. She knew the letter was from Finn.
Santana looked at Rachel with an understanding smile and left the room so Rachel can read the letter.
Rachel,
It's been so hard lately, Rachel. My whole body aches, and there's killing everywhere. I don't know how to live here without knowing you. Rachel, I know we haven't been in the best relationship when I left but I just want you to know that I am pretty sure that I love you better now. I miss you Rachel. I miss you so much.
Sometimes, I often wonder, how hard it must have been here. I was so lucky to have a life back there in America. But, Rachel, it would be two more months of waiting before I can be back and I will be able to marry you. I'm going to marry you by Christmastime.
Will you let me do that? Will you let me marry you?
I know for a fact that, I was meant for you. I really hope you were meant for me too. I guess, we were meant for each other.
Hey, how was New York?
I wish you are happy with yourself there, Rachel. You know, there's a song I heard playing yesterday, when someone just played a random song. It went like this: "what's it like in New York City I'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty..."
It's more of what I feel. I want you to know that you're the last thing I think about at night, when I go to bed. And you are the first thing I think about in the morning. And when I am in battle and everything becomes a living hell, I think of you and I get a little bit of strength from just thinking of you.
I love you, Rachel. Please marry me.
Forever,
Finn
Rachel smiled, albeit to herself. She didn't mind that Santana came in and told her that Brittany said she's coming over for the weekend which was two days away, or when Santana gave her a scrutinizing look. She just kept on smiling.
"Berry, wipe that grin off your face," Santana said, her voice clearly annoyed.
"He...just proposed..."
"What the fuck? He proposed to you when we were in senior year and he canceled it, what did you have? Amnesia?" Santana growled as she took Rachel's dirty clothes on the hamper.
"He did..." Rachel smiled. "But, Santana...he just proposed even if he was halfway around the world!"
"Shut it, Berry," Santana said, but she was smiling. "But, for the record, I'm glad that big-headed oaf has finally went around his head and tried to propose to you...because hell, I think the two of ya are meant together..."
"Thank you, Santana..."
"You just thanked my insults, Berry,"
Santana left the room with Rachel smiling still, her hands clutching Finn's letter next to her heart.
two days later
Brittany showed up bright and early as she smiled at Santana. "Hi, San!" she greeted the Latina with a big hug. "Hi, Rachel!" Brittany went to hug Rachel. The brunette smiled back gratefully as she withdrew from the blonde's hug.
"Rachel, you're glowing!" Brittany shrieked at the brunette and Santana's brows furrowed.
"I hope you don't forget, Brittany, that Rachel isn't the only woman in this room," Santana noted.
Brittany looked at Santana. "Why, San, you just look so...well, sleepy."
Santana smiled. "That's 'cause I woke up early for you. How'd you get here from Boston?"
"I took the train and cabbed here..." Brittany smiled. "I'm hungry."
"Well, then...I will fix you breakfast!" Rachel exclaimed as she clambered to the kitchen. She started to mix the pancake batter and in half an hour, golden pancakes were being gobbled up by a hungry Brittany.
While Santana and Brittany and Rachel began throwing food around, there was a buzz again at the door. It couldn't be Kurt because he had said to the girls that he's not gonna be home until Tuesday or Wednesday. Rachel stood up to open the door.
When she opened it, a tired-looking man was standing with a parcel with him. "Miss Berry?" he inquired. "I mean, Finn Hudson's future wife?"
"Yes?" suddenly, there was an incessant shiver that run down her spine. "I'm her."
"Miss Berry, there's no way to break this news so easily to you but..." Rachel almost paled at his words. This is something that she was so dreading, ever since Finn had told her he was a soldier.
Santana came up to her side. "Rachel are you okay?" she looked at the man. "Hey, what the hell is your problem?"
"I am sorry ma'am...I just, I just came here to bring the...bad news..." the man trailed off.
Santana almost wanted to say something, but seeing Rachel's distraught pale face, she motioned for Brittany to help her and let Rachel sit. Santana invited the man to come in. Once seated around the living room, the man started to say again.
"I'm so sorry to be the one to break this to you, especially you, Miss Berry...but, Private Finn Hudson died," Rachel's breathing became a sharp intake of air and Brittany tried to calm her.
"He was in the base when the rebels initiated a rampant attack and an IED killed him...Iam verry sorry, ma'am..."
Rachel broke down hysterically, along with Brittany and Santana crying. The man wore a forlorn look. He stood up and handed the parcel to Rachel. "These are the things Finn Hudson had owned. I should be going now."
With that, the man left. Rachel and the other girls cried for long hours. Kurt called the day after, telling them the dire news, and that Finn's body would be sent from the Philippines aboard a carrier jet and it would arrive in four days. The wake would be in Ohio and so will be the funeral.
Rachel just laid on her bed for the remaining four days and the only people keeping her sane were Brittany and Santana, who were also barely holding on.
It has been four days since the news had hit them. Rachel's eyes wore dark circles underneath them, and Brittany had lost something in her eyes. Santana could feel the weight of the moment. She had regretted every damn time she had rebuked, shamed, insulted, played, jeered and hurt Finn.
Santana went inside the brunette's room and saw Rachel sitting beside the window, the blinds drawn. It was partly dark, but the Latina could see the parcel on Rachel's lap, the contents were bare and open.
"Hey," Santana whispered through the thin air. Rachel just looked at her, but even in the sad eyes, Santana could see the recognition and she sat on the bed.
"Finn only had this back there," Rachel smiled sadly as she handed the parcel to Santana to let her look. In there were his dog tags, a bracelet which was encased in clear fiberglass, a hunting knife, his wallet, the one that Rachel had given to him as a Christmas present three years back, and her photograph, with caked blood on it.
That blood was Finn Hudson's.
Santana cried. She cried so hard.
Lima, Ohio – one week later
It's raining. And it was Finn's funeral. Santana and Brittany drove together with Rachel and Kurt in the backseat of the silver-gray Ford. Kurt had picked them up, but when Rachel clung hysterically to Kurt, Santana offered to drive them.
The cemetery was desolate, and the leaves have all fallen in the ground, making the day more proper for a burial. Santana hated it. She hated it so much that her hands started to clench into fists. Brittany noticed this and held her hand.
The two of them were greeted with condolences sympathetic greetings. Everyone was there, everyone mourned for Finn Hudson. The whole team of McKinley Titans were there. The glee club members were there. Marley clutched to Jake's arm tightly, Ryder sat solidly on the ground, his jaws tight. Mercedes and Sam stood in one corner. Mr. Schuester and a pregnant Miss Pillsbury were also there. Blaine met Kurt as they advanced towards the coffin, and Quinn held on to Rachel, trying to offer something that canal least, remotely fill in the loneliness that Rachel might be feeling. Only one person was missing out – Puck.
There was an honorary firing for Finn. And while the soldiers folded the American flag that draped on Finn's coffin and handed it to Rachel, she can't imagine but tear up. After that was the time for eulogies. Everyone looked at Rachel, but no one said a word. The brunette walked up to the dais as she tried to give her eulogy to Finn.
"I thank everyone...everyone who cared enough to be here," Rachel started to say. "This had been a very hard time for me, and for those who were there to offer me help, thank you..."
She eyed the crowd, especially the ones who were in glee club, and her gaze on them always lingered for a second too long.
"He was such a great man with a big, big heart, and the whole world was so thankful we have seen a person as amazing as he is," she trailed off and to everyone's utter surprise, a crying Santana came to her side to read the remaining part of her eulogy.
"Finn was the shining knight, and he always tries his best, even if to others, it doesn't count as one, but to me...he was always the best there ever was..."
Santana sniffed. "He always told me that, no matter how far we are from each other, were were attached by this infinite, invisible line that nothing could break...and I think...I think that this is actually what he meant. I could still feel him here, in my heart..."
Santana trailed off and the both of them went down. Burt Hummel nodded to Sam and told him it's already time to let go of it. Sam knelt on the ground and turned the screw to lower Finn underneath.
Suddenly, all the sobs being held back tore open from everyone's throat. Rachel held on to Quinn, Santana held on to Quinn with one hand and Brittany on the other. Tina and Mike cried, Sam was clearly trying not to yell. Silent tears fell from Burt Hummel's eyes.
The coffin was followed with white roses and flowers tossed about by the people who were there for his funeral. The rain did not completely stop, but the burial went on.
Santana, Quinn, and Brittany were the last people to leave, well, apart from Rachel. The brunette had refused to go home yet. Instead, she sat on the grass under the tarpaulin garden tent and started a night vigil over Finn's tomb.
She hadn't bothered to turn her head around, because if she did, she could have seen Puck's pained face, soaking under the pouring rain. He walked towards Rachel and tapped her shoulder.
"Rachel," he said silently and the brunette looked up.
"Puck," she whispered. Puck handed her a letter.
"He wanted you to have this...he wanted you to have this by Christmas, but...I'll be deploying soon, so I'm just gonna give it to you now. It's up to you if you open it now, or you open it by Christmas. I am really sorry, Rachel. Please stay strong," Puck started to walk away from her.
"Puck, why?" Rachel found herself asking. "He left and wasn't able to come back...what if it would happen again...to you..."
Puck smiled sadly. "Then he at least, wouldn't be so lonely up there. Take care, Rachel. Santana's cares about you, everybody does. I'll call as soon as possible."
Rachel kissed Puck's cheek goodbye and watched his fading silhouette into the darkness. They're all leaving...retreating back into the dark...
Author's Note: Some of the parts are in a way, OOC and so on and so forth. The poem is mine. Please, let us all pray for the people suffering from war, hunger, illness, and global warming. We pray for peace, and for the salvation of all souls, be it departed or living. We also pray for the salvation of the ever-melting glaciers across the world. Also pray for the thousands of departed souls of dolphins who have been held captive, hunted down, and butchered mercilessly, for entertainment or food. Thank you.