This is my first Unwind story, ever, so I guess, um, yeah, that's it. I mean, I would give an explanation, but uh, that's written down, I think. Let's just go.
Dear Father or whatever you want me to call you,
Sorry for actually surviving and being AWOL, but I can't help it; I sort of want to live, if that's relatable. I just wanted to ask how much money you loss to your lawyers and all that. I want you to show this to my mother, but I'm going to be realistic here, that's not going to happen. And even if it is going to happen, it'll probably end at either the court, prison, or the hospital.
So here it is, it's dedicated to you because I rolled a dice; odd numbers are for you, since you tried to be even but never succeeded. I got a one, just like how one percent of you actually care about what I think. No wait, I'm confusing that with a zero, never mind. There's no zeroes on a dice, so whatever.
First of all, I'm probably dead when you read this. Although most people call it the 'divided state', I call it, 'go to Hell, no one cares.' If I survive past eighteen, I'm probably either in prison or running a non-successful radio station that talks about how much of an asshole you are. But let's be realistic; that's probably the best it can get.
Second of all, if you ever meet the person who has my heart, I want you to cry.
Yeah, I wrote that, I want you to cry, period.
If you ever meet a person who has one of my arms or hands, I want you to shake it. Then I want you to leave.
If you ever meet a person who has one of my eyes, I want you to ask for a picture. If they deny and think you're a creep, don't bother. I mean, you've never cared about my opinions anyway, so why should you care now? If they say yes, print out the photo and burn it.
Third of all, I want you to know that I don't care. Some people might hate their parents for signing the unwind order, but I don't care. Don't take it too far and settle your heart on it, because I don't forgive you, either. This whole paragraph might be just a lie, but whatever.
Fourth of all, I just wanted to let you know my opinions and confessions. You're both assholes, but you probably already know that. You're both unreasonable, but people tell you that all the time. Oh yeah, and there may or may not be a mouse trap under my bed.
~Your ex-son, Hayden Upchurch.
You actually thought the letter was ending there? I'm not going to laugh it off anymore, I wasn't always like this. I hope you still remember what it was like when we were still a happy family, because that's all that's left; you and your unreasonable judgement of the past.