Conversations with Stupid People
Spoilers for November sweeps season seven. I get angry, I write parody....
Joss owns everything, Marti thinks she owns everything, I own nothing...and it's all ME's fault.
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Buffy wanders into the cemetery with Dawn. She sits on the nearest grave and rolls her eyes.
Buffy: So Dawn, today I talked to Kit! Did you know she has an eating disorder? Xander thinks-
Dawn: Buffy...I really don't think you should be telling me that kind of personal stuff about Kit...it's not legal.
Buffy: So I was wondering if you could talk to her. Help her out.
Dawn: Isn't that your job?
Buffy: I guess so, but so is vampire slaying and I have you do that too! You can just do it all! I mean, I have so much other stuff to do...like...helping Spike!
Dawn stares at Buffy blankly.
Dawn: Buffy, you don't ever help Spike. For all you and I know, he could be smacking himself to death in the basement!
Buffy: He is.
Dawn: What??
Buffy: It's okay DawnIE. He WANTS to hurt himself!!
Dawn: Why is he back in that basement anyways? I thought he was living with Xander...
Buffy: Well, he is! But not for sweeps. We don't know why.
A vampire comes and attacks Dawn. Buffy files her nails. Dawn kills the vampire. Audience groans.
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Spike is crazy in the basement. Still.
Morphy Eggman (ME): Hey there Spike-y. Want to do me a favor???
Spike: I told you to go AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!
ME: Why? Don't you want to *be in the dark with me*
Spike: I thought I made it fairly clear three seasons ago that I don't.
ME: Rapist! You are eeeeeevil.
Spike: Look, I know you're trying to get me to do some sort of bad thing for you. But, to be honest, if I was going to be convinced that I was evil it would have been when Buffy was beating me and telling me that I was a thing.
ME: Mmmm-Kay. Well....
Silence...then a voice from above comes across the speaker:
Doug Petrie: Alright folks, Joss has left for the week, tell James we need him to be evil now before the *man* can come in and rewrite this! Marti, restrain Jane and Rebecca!
An assistant director comes over to Spike and hands him some demon eggs and tattoos the phrase "Human Plot Twist" on his bare chest.
Spike: I don't think I can do this.
ME: We don't care!!!
Spike: This doesn't make any sense. I haven't even been coherent for three months! How can I be expected to suddenly go evil?
ME: Because you got a soul so you could be evil!!!
Spike: No. This has been confusing enough...if I had gotten the chip out I'd be evil, but I got the soul...
ME: What?? No! You got the chip out!
Spike: I got the soul dude.
ME: Hmph. Well, no one cares anymore.
An AR flashback montage goes across the screen. Spike gives in, and puts on the pretty blue shirt.
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To Be Continued. IN the next installment: The Spuffy graveyard scene, where we'll make you think we're doing something nice, and then we'll kill you spirit!!!!!!