notes: not my best but I can't bring myself to write any other Sasayan/Natsume things without finishing this first.

the steepest way up

When third year rears its ugly, intimidating head, Natsume gulps.

She isn't prepared for university entrance exams and the expectations that come attached with them like a ball and chain. Mitty has been prepared for them since first year, Haru has been prepared for them since middle school, and Sasayan just throws his anxieties away with an optimistic laugh, suggesting that he'll be prepared for them just by the skin of his teeth. None of them are helping her cope with the inevitable stress high school irons onto her.

Thankfully, she has Iyo. Iyo's always there to make her feel better.

"Are you and Sasayan-senpai dating?" Iyo asks during lunch break. Natsume feels irrevocably betrayed.

"N-no!" she replies, her chopsticks slipping between her fingers, "What gave you that idea?"

"Nothing really. I just thought that you two should've started dating a long time ago. If Iyo were in your place, Iyo'd leap at the chance to have her very own romance!" the blonde girl chirps while Natsume balks.

She makes shooing motions with her hands. "Like I've said many times before, we're just friends, Iyo-chan! Anyway, break is almost over so we should get back to class." Natsume shovels the last portion of food into her mouth and begins packing up her emptied lunch box to set an example. Iyo half-heartedly follows suit, crushing her energy bar wrapper in one hand.

"Asako-senpai, what will you be doing after school today?"

Natsume freezes, she slowly swallows the ball of rice in her mouth in a vain attempt to delay the unavoidable. Of all the questions to ask, why did it have to be this one, and at this very moment? "I'm… I'm going with Sasayan-kun to try out the new Chinese restaurant that opened on the other side of town," she says, the reluctance making the back of her throat itch.

Iyo, surprisingly, says nothing. She gets off the bench and flashes Natsume an easy smile that sends a chill down her spine because just for a second, Iyo looks like a splitting image of her brother. The girl twirls on her right heel and begins sauntering away.

"F-friends go and have lunch together too!" Natsume calls out after her. Her junior only waves back, crossing her arms behind herself and she makes her way into the school building.

Natsume chews her lip and stomps back to her class on the other side of school. She bumps into Sasayan and the baseball team on her way up the staircase, and before she has a chance to wipe off her disgruntled frown, the boys zero in on her and begin asking what's the matter.

"Nothing!" she snaps at the lot of them. One year ago, she wouldn't have been able to talk to anyone other than Sasayan, but now her ankles are locked and she's bossing them around. It makes her feel an odd sense of accomplishment.

Sasayan only shrugs his shoulders at Shimoyanagi and the rest, who've opted to take one clear step back. "See you guys." He waves at them before following her back into the classroom. "What's the problem this time?" he asks as they return to their seats.

Natsume has half a mind to say 'everything'. Including him. Instead, she flips her hair over her shoulder and says, "I forgot to bring my calculator."

"I can lend you mine."

If only all her problems could be solved with Sasayan lending her things.

They eat at the brand new Chinese restaurant four streets away from the yakiniku place. The wanton noodles are supposed to be good here. That's what Sasayan's friends told him, at least. Natsume catches herself wishing she had friends who told her about good places to eat out too. Mitty and Haru never eat out unless a discount lures Mitty away from her books, and Ooshima doesn't talk to them that much anymore because everyone's busy preparing for university entrance exams. Everyone's gauging the big, looming hurdle in their lives that will be here in less than half a year, while Natsume stays here in her lumpy seat, pouring too much soy sauce over her food.

"I want to run away!" she exclaims, spurred on by the soy sauce.

Sasayan arches an eyebrow. "From the entrance exams?"

"Yes! I mean, no, I'm not serious," Natsume says, fending off the crazy thought as she splits her wooden chopsticks, "but when I see my results, I don't know what else to do." She sulks.

"Natsume, you're worrying too much. There's still time to study," the boy assures her with an amused snort.

He;s right, the school break has only just ended, there's loads of time to catch up. Or to attempt to catch up. As she sighs softly at the amount of work awaiting her, she notices Sasayan herding his celery to one side of his bowl.

"You don't like those?" she asks.

"Not particularly," he says as she reaches across the table with her chopsticks, clipping a few stalks with them.

"I found Sasayan-kun's weakness!" Natsume laughs. She bites onto the celery, glad to be smug about something today.

Sasayan looks at her with a blank expression before flitting his gaze downward into his half-eaten bowl of noodles. "Mm," he answers vaguely, slurping up the rest.

"Micchan, do you know what's the answer for this?" She pushes the textbook across the counter, laying her head on its surface as she does. The older man makes an effort to read the problem sum to humour her.

"'Afraid I don't, Natsume-chan," he replies. "I haven't been in school for almost a decade! Argh, I feel old," he laments. "You should ask Yuuzan if he drops by." But Yuuzan probably won't since he's busy with his own studies in university. Why is everyone studying now?

"By the way, Natsume-chan," Micchan asks in a careful way that causes her to look up from her knees, "How are things with you and Sasayan?"

She gasps. "You're not allowed to ask that!"

"I'm not?"

"Of course not!" She throws her arms in the air and Micchan retreats a few steps behind the counter, a soft smile spreading across his face. It's the one that used to make her heart somersault and do handstands. It still throbs a little even now, probably out of nostalgia.

And why is everyone asking her about Sasayan, too? Nothing's changed. She hasn't allowed anything to change. The balance they've struck is hard to come by, because she doesn't think she'll ever be able to have a friend like Sasayan. Natsume tries not to think about Sasayan as anyone other than Sasayan, whether as a boy or an enemy or someone she might actually like, because one move or one word said in the wrong way could topple everything out of equilibrium and they won't be able to stay friends any longer. Natsume remembers telling him that she wants to be friends with him forever, and she still means it.

"I'm going home. Our prep exams start tomorrow."

Micchan wishes her good luck, sounding a little apologetic as he does. And though it's luck coming from the great Micchan himself, Natsume thinks she'll need a lot more than that to pull through.

"How did you do?" Sasayan asks even though he probably can guess as much from the sag of her shoulders.

The evening is quiet in this part of town and the only reason they're alone is because Haru turned back to fetch Mitty home. Natsume wants someone like that, who'll send her to her doorstep even though he's tired and wants to go home to eat dinner. She steals a glance at Sasayan, pushing his bike beside himself because she said she didn't want to sit on it today. She crushes the hypocrisy under the heel of her converse shoes.

"I failed every paper except for one," she says next. Math, because of Mitty's notes and Haru's drilling and Sasayan's blasé assurance that he'd score higher than her for math. (He did.)

"But you passed something for once! And you only missed the grade by a little, right? Don't worry about it. We just need to study more."

"That what you said the last time," she reminds him. What if she doesn't pass any exams or get into any university? What's she going to do with herself? She can't start working somewhere with just a high school certification, cold and impersonal and printed on cheap paper. She can't go anywhere. She can't even escape online because she's been doing that for so long now, it's become something she's sick of seeing herself do. Saying 'I'm dumb' or 'I'm not good at studying' doesn't become a reason as much as it's become an excuse and she can't come to terms with it though she knows it's the truth.

"It's okay," Sasayan yawns, casual with his trust in a future that is full of doubt.

"It's not okay," she suddenly says. The last three years of makeup tests on Friday and even on the odd Saturday hit her, and panic sets in, bring fear and anxiety and stress and the rest of the family with it. Her hand tightens on the strap of her bag. "It's not okay," Natsume repeats, crying before she knows it.

Sasayan is as surprised as her, and he clenches his jaw.

"Natsume," he says, but it's not enough. At least he doesn't tell her to stop crying. Natsume doesn't like it when people tell others to stop crying, like they own the tears, thinking selfishly that it's the better thing to do.

Sasayan is unselfish. He always has been and probably always will be and Natsume feels like she's taking advantage of him and her hands withdraw into fists. Sasayan notices and taps the inside of her wrist, tentative but brave in that weird, complying way of his and Natsume unballs her hands in surrender. His fingers covers hers.

"I'm not going to tell you that things will work out," Sasayan cautions her as they continue walking. Pragmatic as usual and comforting in the strangest way, because Sasayan never tells lies. The wheels of his bike squeak in time with her sniffs.

"But we'll just work hard. It's better than giving up."

Natsume hiccups an 'okay' out.

"I don't have baseball practice anymore after next week. We can study everyday till the entrance exams. I'm sure Mizutani won't mind tutoring us sometimes."

The idea of drowning in books every day makes her cringe, but if Mitty and Sasayan and her other friends are there to support her, maybe it'll be a little less painful. "Promise?"

"Natsume – when in the last three years have I ditched from studying with you?" Sasayan asks, making her purse her lips.

"There was one Saturday at Ztarbucks- "

"I had a game that day!" he says, eyebrows raised.

And she laughs even though her nose is running. "I know, I know. I was kidding. You texted me to tell me you won."

Sasayan immediately sours, his cheeks reddening. She remembers that they're still holding hands and that it frames everything differently. Thinking about it more, things are really different now, because last year, she'd been trailing behind Sasayan and rubbing her eyes and his cap had been foreign and loose on her head, but now they're walking side by side.

Natsume hopes this doesn't mean anything, and that her bad habit of wishing for the wrong things will go away soon.

Week Three into their non-stop cram sessions and Natsume is lost and fatigued and cranky.

"Here." Sasayan slides her favourite type of donut onto the table – the one coated with rainbow sprinkles and cream filling – Natsume considers it with a plastic fork before taking a humongous bite out of it. Sugar and fried dough are the only things fuelling her at this point because it's past nine at night and she still hasn't finished revising this chapter.

"Have you read through Chapter 11 yet?" Sasayan asks her.

"I'm trying to now," she mumbles with a mouthful of doughnut.

"We should just split the work. What page are you at now?" He leans across the table to peer at the corner of her textbook.

"Didn't you finish studying for English yesterday?"

Sasayan scratches the side of head. "I did, but it won't hurt to do it one more time."

He should stop doing this to her. It isn't even something that's happened for the last three weeks. It's been something that's happened for the last three years. Being nice to her and yet not expecting anything in return because he knows that she's not ready for it. That's another pseudo-reason masking an excuse she gives to everyone and herself. And it's the one Sasayan settles for to make things function between them.

"You don't need to."

Sasayan furrows his brow. "What's the matter, Natsume?"

He's asking the same question again and she wants to give the same answer again. Instead, she tells him that she's worn out and packs her things and leaves the café. Sasayan doesn't pester her to tell the truth, and things become more complicated than they need to be. The one thing that calms her is sitting on the back of Sasayan's bike as he ferries her home. Even the calm fades off though, as she says goodbye to him for the night, for the sixth night in a row, and walks up to her house.

When she reaches home, she stares hard into the mirror of her dresser.

It's early on a Sunday evening and her bag is filled with her most practical clothes, a sleeping bag, her piggybank savings, and a flashlight. It helps her take things seriously. She chooses to go to Sasayan first instead of Mitty or Haru.

Mitty will kill her if she finds out what she's planning to do. Haru won't conspire with her because he'd never leave Mitty's side. She doesn't want to bother Ooshima or Micchan or even Iyo about this, and it's been a long time since Yamaken and the three idiots have shown up. Sasayan is the only one left by process of elimination. He's probably the only person who will take her seriously, and the only person who can convince her not to do this. She can't decide which one she's betting on happening.

Natsume finds his reliable bike parked outside the door of the apartment unit and rings the doorbell. Sasayan's older brother answers a few moments later and he's tall. As tall as Micchan. It's odd seeing someone with Sasayan's features standing at such a height.

"Um, good evening," she coughs out. "I'm Natsume, Sasayan's classmate. I-is he in?"

"Oh. Wow," the young man gapes. "Mum? Did you hear that? A cute girl's looking for our Souhei!" he hollers into the house.

Sasayan nudges his brother aside immediately, and she hopes that the older Sasahara is okay because it didn't look like his forehead hit the wall all that lightly. Sasayan's eyes are wide as he slams the door shut behind him. "Sorry," he exhales. He wears a plain t-shirt the school's P.E shorts when he's home, she discovers. It's odd that she knows this now.

"You look nice," Sasayan says when he registers that her hair is shorter now, curving towards the collar of her blouse. It's not so much a compliment as it is a statement, and Natsume will never be able to get used to the way he speaks when he speaks about how she looks. She raises her hand to mat her hair down, but stops herself halfway. She didn't cut her hair to look nice, she reminds herself. When she doesn't say anything in response to him, Sasayan folds his arms.

"So, what are you doing here, Natsume? Do you want to study together again or – "

" – I need to go somewhere, but I don't have a bike."

"Where?"

"Anywhere."

Sasayan stares at her new haircut and at the bag she's carrying on her shoulders and the fact that she's not wearing ballerina flats but sneakers this time. Realisation hits him.

"You're serious?"

"I am." Natsume steels her shoulders.

The boy scrunches his face, but doesn't say anything else. He goes back into his apartment briefly. Natsume is pretty sure he's scuffling with his brother behind the door. Sasayan emerges a few minutes later, wearing proper clothes this time, his own bag hanging from his arm, filled with what Natsume assumes must be running-away-things.

"You're insane," he says as he takes his shoes off the rack next to the doorway.

"And you're being really irresponsible," he lectures as he unchains his bike.

"Running away won't help," he adds as they cycle down the road away from the apartment complex. Natsume is taking advantage of him again.

"I thought you stopped running away," Sasayan says as they pass under a street lamp, the light switching on to welcome the evening, going somewhere. Maybe they'll go to the train station. Sasayan doesn't need to accompany her after that, but he probably will. She should buy a ticket to the furthest destination and see where it takes her. The entrance exams only last for the next two weeks. She can come back to town after that. Daddy will understand, and Mummy will probably be fine as long as he's fine with it too.

Natsume makes it all sound easy and unintimidating in her head.

"That doesn't count for this. School is an exception," she says. It doesn't count when it's about Sasayan either, but she doesn't need to mention that.

He sighs. "There you go again, changing things as you please just to suit your needs."

"Yup! I'm horrible, aren't I?" she laughs carelessly.

"I didn't mean it that way." Sasayan is angry. She's the one who's supposed to be angry at him. She can't bring herself to look at his shoulders because she'll feel guilty, so she glues her eyes to the ground passing under the wheels of the bike. Thinking, maybe, she wants to run away from more than just the entrance exams.

"Sasayan-kun?" she says after awhile. Checking the time on her handphone, Natsume estimates that they've been cycling for twelve minutes. She snaps her phone shut. Twelve minutes into her grand escape.

"Yeah?"

"How do you do that?"

"What?" he chuckles, and because it's a genuine one, Natsume feels surer.

"Not make mistakes," Natsume says, and even she doesn't know what she means when she says that, because Sasayan always does the wrong thing. He always stares at her for too long and with too much meaning, always tells her things she doesn't need to hear, always messes with her emotions.

Natsume looks back on all the red marks on her assignments and papers, all the girls she couldn't bring herself to talk to in middle school, all the hearts she'd broken one after the other like an assembly line, at the person taking her away from everything at the expense of himself. She looks at her hands. There are tiny blisters on some of her fingers because she's been writing a lot of science notes recently to help with revision. Nothing seems to go into her head, though. She's one gigantic mistake, and her face can't ever make up for it, and Sasayan still likes her. She doesn't understand why.

"Of course I do," he says. "I forget to take out the trash sometimes, I don't do all my homework, I miss the baseball when the sun gets in my eyes," he starts, and it's only to make her feel better but it works. "… I say things without thinking sometimes."

"We have that in common," she says.

"Yeah, we do."

She smiles, the sadness ebbing.

"And sometimes I feel like running away too, I just don't admit it," the boy adds.

"I accept that part of Sasayan-kun, so it's okay," Natsume says. She stops herself just short of inviting him to run away with her now. The boy just hums in reply and she immediately knocks the sole of her shoe against the side of the bike. "You're supposed to say that you accept that part of me too!" she informs him.

"Huh?" Sasayan tilts his head. "That's a given, Natsume. I don't think I need to say it."

Natsume lowers her gaze again. These are the parts she likes best about Sasayan. Not when he's being kind to her or critical in that familiar, strangely affectionate way of his, not when he tells her she's pretty (though she likes those parts too). It's when he says things like these, that make her think that maybe she's more than just a girl to him. Maybe she's more than just one friend in his extensive network, and maybe she's someone special.

And it makes her think that maybe, she doesn't want to run away after all – but she can't say that now, of all times.

"We're here," Sasayan suddenly tells her.

They come to a stop nowhere near the train station and Natsume looks up from the roadside. They're at the community library.

Relief washes over her like a warm tide.

"Come on, I brought enough work for you to do to too." Sasayan gestures to the bag stuffed in the bike's front basket. They get off the bike and he goes to park it with the rest stationed under the shelter beside the building. At least half of them must belong to other students studying for their entrance exams too. Natsume stands in the middle of the street, clutching her haversack with her crumpled sleeping bag and un-ironed clothes and measly savings and flashlight with no batteries.

"Hi? Mizutani-san? Are you free now? We're at the library." Sasayan walks back, talking to Mitty on his phone. "Yeah, I know it's a little late but it'd be great if we could have help with revision. Yoshida's there too? Both of you should definitely come, then!"

"What am I doing?" she whispers.

Sasayan cocks his head as he finishes his conversation with Mitty, too far away to hear what Natsume just said.

"What am I doing?" Natsume cries, the tears smearing her vision. Sasayan runs up to her but doesn't tell her to stop crying again, and it makes everything worse because she remembers that, oh wait, exams aren't the only thing in her life that she can't handle.

Mitty comes to sit with them in one corner of the library for an hour. "You'll be fine on your own," she says, her voice hushed. It's reassuring because Mitty is stingy with compliments. "Just remember all the key points I've marked out." Mitty taps her pen against the things she's circled in Natsume's notebook. Maybe all those weeks of studying weren't a complete waste of time.

"Natsume-san, your only problem is that you forget your basic formulas. If you can manage that, I don't think you'll have a problem with everything else," Mitty explains. She jolts when Natsume engulfs her in a tight embrace. Haru has to pry her off Mitty and they leave after wishing her good luck for the exams.

Without Mitty around though, Natsume still trips over some of the problem sums. When Sasayan notices her scowling at a particular question, he looks over and reads it.

"You should start it this way." Sasayan reaches a hand out to scribble on her paper, and Natsume knows she should lean over to the side but she doesn't mind that his arm is criss-crossing hers. The library is quiet and the only thing she can hear is the constant scratching of pen against paper.

Sasayan finishes writing the equation and tilts his wrist to show her what he's written on the paper. It makes sense. Most of it, at least. This is probably the first time today something has made sense to her. Natsume rubs her thumb against her temple, trying to internalize the method Sasayan used to solve the problem. The fact that he leaves his hand between hers is not something she points out until the weight of his arm on hers makes her turn her head to the side.

"Sorry," Sasayan whispers as he lifts his hand away.

"It's… okay," she replies, voice soft, straining to admit that she likes being certain he's next to her. Sasayan's hand immediately brushes against her wrist.

"What did you say?"

Natsume feels her face flush. 'Nothing, stupid,' she mouths at him, and Sasayan snorts loudly, his eyes narrowing in suspicion. The librarian hovers near their table and glares at them through her gold-rimmed spectacles. Natsume and Sasayan resume their work, but Sasayan only unbuckles his hand from her wrist when he has to retrieve his eraser.

He fetches her to the street leading up to her house. "You're better now?" he asks to be sure. Natsume nods. "Well, even if you aren't, you can give me a call." Sasayan kicks the footstand of the bike, preparing to leave.

"Sasayan-kun," she calls his name and he looks over his shoulder.

"Thanks for running away with me," she says, the words sounding out of place because they're standing on a street they've crossed countless times before. On rainy afternoons after the final school bell, late evenings because Sasayan's baseball practice ends late, early mornings before outings with Mitty and Haru.

"We didn't run away," Sasayan reminds her, "we studied."

"Thanks," Natsume shortens it. It makes sense this time round.