It all started so normal… how did I end here? how did we end here?
I should feel relief or maybe grief, I don't know what people expect me to feel but at this moment I can't feel anything. It still feels unreal. People often talk of out of body experiences but I never understood what they meant, at least not until now. It was like I was no longer in my own body, and in a way I wasn't, but watching it all happen from the outside, like a bystander… I think it broke me even more. It all happened in slow motion, like a trainwreck. One moment we are fighting for our lives, the next I am a bystander to my own life.
So how did I get there? how did all of us get there…
A lot has happened over the last few years. I have met new friends, gotten a new family, found love, felt heartbreak, I been happier than ever before, yet now I feel more pain than ever before. A lot has happened and now that I put my headphones in and ask myself those two questions, or is it the same question, I feel myself closing off again. It has been hours now and I still feel the numbness since the event that occurred. With the music in my ears blocking out the party in the city, everything becomes a blur again. I keep hoping for my mind to become as numb as my body, but the thought keep going around in my head and the pain keeps growing from it.
I've got shame, I've got scars
That I will never show
I'm a survivor
In more ways than you know
the music keeps going through my ears, as the lyrics stays in my head. It almost over powers the questions or question, I still don't know, that is going through my mind. Since it happened I have been surrounded by people, telling me how awful it was, how hard it must have been for us, yet no one asked if we were okay or if wanted to talk about it. Do we want to talk about? will talking about it help?
These to questions join the two others, yes two I have decided, and now mix with the lyrics.
I feel shame - not relief or grief, but shame. I forgot who I has, I became something I couldn't control… again. I may be a survivor, but the scars that has been left been behind is haunting me. The questions in my head is more painful than any razor, than any consequence that comes from a bottle.
I don't even know if I make sense anymore, my head is spinning too quickly, I can't keep up. I start gasping for breath, squeezing my eyes together to keep the tears in and to try and regain some control. I focus on the wind i feel in my hair, the grass beneath my hands and knees from where i have fallen. I can still hear the music in my ears but I have lost the lyrics.
It is all too much.
I can't hold the tears in anymore as the questions in my head almost take completely over… I am losing again, but this time to myself.
How did I get here? how did we get here?
Do we want to talk about? will talking about it help?
I want to scream but I am once again not in control of my body. Last time people said I did the right thing - that we did the right thing. We were strong, we were heroes… yet here I lie, crying and losing myself again. But this time it is not an enemy I am fighting and this time I do not have others to help me get out.
I am alone, I have no help…
The lyrics returns but sadly only shortly.
Call me when it's over 'cause I'm dying inside
Wake me when the shakes are gone
And the cold sweats disappear
Call me when it's over and myself has reappeared
I am slipping away, but there is no one to pull me back. Everybody already knows what I am feeling, because they told me how i should feel before I had the change. All the emotions I have felt over the last few years comes rushing back, but the shame wins over them.
How did I get here? Is someone talking?
I am to numb to move, crying on my hands and knees. No sound comes out of my body as slip away. I don't know how to stop it. What is happening to me. Why can't I control myself. I can't do this again. Everything is almost completely black as the party in the city goes on and the music in my ears get more silent.
I hear something again.
I feel something. No someone.
Arms wrap around me and a strong chest meets my back.
My head falls into his chest, as his head leans against mine.
I cry even harder as I feel his fingers intertwine with mine.
The numbness slowly fades and I almost want to pull it back. The shame hits me harder, the music plays louder and the questions starts to get answered.
No one knew where I was, no one asked how I felt, but he doesn't need to. He doesn't try to pretend to know what happend or how i felt. He did what no one else did, because they didn't know I need it. And I didn't ask them because I couldn't feel the need for it.
Instead he felt it for me.
And as i cry with him and feel his tears in my hair, my questions starts to get answered.
I did not get here alone and how I got here does not matter. I have defended this places, I have lost to this place, I have felt shamed and recivede scars. But I have also gotten new friends, a strong family and found a man that loves me. We all got here together, even though our roads were different, we are here together.
One day we will talk about it, one thing at the time. Just like every time one of us is losing ourselves, we will pull each other back.
I tell him that i'm sorry and the music in my ears tells me to get help. But he doesn't say anything. He pulls me closer and tighten his grip, letting me know that it's okay, that it will pass, that what is happening is normal and that he will be there for me, when I don't know how it got there.
I'm sorry that I'm here again, I promise I'll get help
It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry to myself
A dedication to the people who struggle with addiction, self-harm, mental health issues, loneliness, bullying, anxiety etc. or anyone who feels down.
You are not alone, you are strong, even if you don't know it yourself. And if you don't know it, then let us remind you, because it does not matter how you got there, but how you return and you will never do that alone. You have friends, cause we are your friends - you have a family, because we are your family - and you are loved, because we love you.
Inspired by the strong and inspiring Demi Lovato and her confession through her song 'sober'.
Link: watch?v=vORIohoI4m0
To Demi: Don't ask for our forgiveness, for there is nothing to forgive. You are not our rolemodel because you're perfect, you're our rolemodel because you're strong and because you taught us that not being okay is okay too, so let us teach you the same.
Demi, you are not sober anymore, but it's okay, because you will be sober again and it will make you stronger.
We love you, Demi - before, now and forever.