Big Brother
By: BrokenHeartsShatteredDreams
It's late the first time you hear it. The sound of your big brother crying. You ignore it, wanting to be mad at him. He betrayed you. Took your choice away. Allowed an angel to possess you. You killed Kevin because of him. It's not easy but you convince yourself to stay in your room, ignoring the sound of Dean sobbing and the shattering of glass as he throws something against a wall. You don't sleep at night and you know Dean doesn't either. It's his cries you're listening to after all. His pain weighing in your chest and you wonder if you're doing the right thing. Still, you don't say anything. You pretend that you're not having second thoughts about the whole "professional relationship" thing, that you can't tell how broken your big brother is. Even when he's crying your name in the middle of the night, whispering brokenly things you don't want to hear but you do because Cas tells you what he says, you ignore him. During the day, you try not to look at him, knowing you'll see just how much you're hurting him. It's written all over his face. You know it is. And you ignore Castiel when he tells you that you're being a stubborn, pigheaded Winchester. He's telling the truth, of course. But you don't want to admit it. You want to be mad at Dean, to hate him for what he's done to you. So you suck it up, put up a false front, and treat your brother like he's poison.
Castiel doesn't talk to you much anymore. He sticks to Dean, keeping him safe, sane. He's like a big brother, the one Dean needs right now. You notice the glares he sends your way, the soft sighs you hear in the Bunker at night when Dean is sobbing and Cas is helpless because he's not the one Dean wants. Dean needs his little brother. His Sammy. He needs to know he's not alone in the world because right now he thinks he is and it's tearing him apart. Still, you refuse to say anything. You're going to stay mad this time. No matter what happens. It's a promise you won't keep. You know it long before Cas corners you. It's late and Dean's crying again, drunk again, and you're lying in bed with your laptop across your chest. Cas barges in, not bothering to knock, and you want so badly to glare at him. You don't, of course, because you both know why he's here. He's fed up with you, with seeing Dean broken. And he says as much, his tone angry as he stands beside your bed, blue eyes filled with angry fire. He cares about you, he says, but right now you are being an ass. You stare at him, your anger at Dean fading as quickly as it started, and he glares at you. Dean needs you he says. You're going to go to him, he demands, and you're going to talk to him. Tonight. You want to argue but you're weak and you don't think you have it in you to argue anymore.
Dean's laying on his bed, headphones on, staring at the ceiling when you enter. He glances at you, his face hard but his eyes soft, before turning back to the ceiling. You wait for him to take the headphones off but he doesn't. He won't even look at you and guilt fills your chest as you reach over to yank the headphones away. He's not happy with you. He wants his damn headphones back. After you talk, you tell him and his gaze softens a little. You look into his eyes and the pain there nearly cripples you. This is your big brother. Your protector. He raised you. He's all you've got. You're all he's got. It hits you right then. Why he did it. He took your choice away because he couldn't go on without you. He's been taking care of you since he was four years old and he doesn't know how to do anything else. Without you…Dean would be lost. He'd taken your choice away because he himself had no choice. It had been wrong to lie about it but the realization hits you like a ton of bricks and suddenly you're sobbing and Dean's holding you.
You stay up all night talking. You both cry, yell, throw things. But it's better than that awful silence and at the end of it all, you're brothers again. You fall asleep, sprawled across your brother's bed. Beside you, Dean is sleeping just as peacefully as you. You're both grown men now and you suppose it looks a bit weird when Cas pops in the next morning to check on you to see you sleeping in each other's arms, but he doesn't mention it. And it wouldn't matter even if it had because sometimes that's what you need. Sometimes, you need to sleep in your big brother's arms just like you did when you were a kid and scared of the dark. After a fight like that one, one where you were both hurt deep like that, sleeping like that helps. You tell yourself it's more for Dean's sake than yours but you're lying as you say it. You needed it too. You needed it to remind you that you weren't alone.