Title: Lucerna Verbum Tuum
Fandom: Supernatural FPS
Characters: Sam, Dean
Rating: G
Summary: Tag to 5.10. Sam gets into Dean's dream and learns about his sorrow.
AN: Title is borrowed from Secret Garden's song, In Our Tears.
Dean deep in slumber is the last thing Sam's expected to find after such a heart-shattering moment of loss and grief. But he is. Dean is fast asleep in their usual room upstairs in Bobby's house. Hesitantly, Sam walks into the mutedly-lit room and to the bed closest to the door where Dean is occupying, instead of the vacant one that's supposed to be his. Sam's not sure why he's doing that. He thinks there's just something pulling him there.
At the edge of the bed, Sam is sitting quietly, listening to his brother breathing in rasps, watching as Dean's eyelashes go shivery, knowing instantly that he's been dreaming. Sam looks away, a clench in his heart, as he realizes Dean has chosen to stay silent yet again, shutting him out, shunning his own little brother.
Yet Sam knows something. He shouldn't do the same to Dean.
He shifts closer, thinking Dean might be awake anytime, but no. Dean is still dead to the world. He remembers the way his brother cupped Jo's face before kissing her gently on her brow and lips. That has never happened before. He's seen Dean kiss a number of other girls before. But apart from those he might not have witnessed himself, never has Sam seen Dean do the same to the girls he kissed.
And never has Dean looked so broken.
Again Sam doesn't know what's pulling him; he's simply doing it. He reaches out, smoothing Dean's locks off his forehead, and Dean opens his eyes. It's just – he's not looking at Sam. Rather, he's looking through him.
"Dean?"
Dean gets off the bed, still not looking at Sam, who frowns and follows. Is Dean sleepwalking?
But soon Sam finds he is no longer in Bobby's house. He doesn't know where he is, but wait. Dean's vanished.
"Dean!" Sam shouts.
Dean comes into sight before him like magic. He's sitting crouching on the floor with his legs folded beneath him. In front of him are pictures, pictures everywhere. Pictures of Jo, of Dad, of Sam, pictures Sam doesn't know where Dean got them. Pictures Sam's certain he's never seen before.
Then he notices it, a gun in Dean's hand.
"The fuck?" Sam sputters. Being suicidal is definitely not the last thing in Dean's mind. He's made a deal with the crossroad demon after all…
"No!" Sam launches upon his brother when Dean lifts the gun and points it at his temple. Dean slams hard to the floor, flinching and rolling into a ball as Sam grabs the gun and tosses it as far away as he can, turning back to find Dean hugging his knees, rocking back and forth, and beginning to let out sharp, keening sounds that remind Sam of a trapped animal.
"God, Dean, come on." Sam sweeps him up into his arms, holding him tight. "It's okay. It's okay. I got you, big brother." Sam tightens his hold, shifting a bit to have Dean lie on his lap. "You're not the one to blame. None of this is your fault."
Dean has yet to be aware of Sam's presence but he seems to seek his brother's voice.
"Yes, I'm here. I'll never leave you. You've got me."
Dean's brow creases and his eyes are squeezed shut before he gasps loudly as though he just came out of the water.
"Hey, hey Dean! Easy. Yes. That's it. It's bad, I know. But we'll keep fighting, alright? You and me. Bobby. And Castiel, too. You told me yourself, we keep each other human. None of this can ever break us."
A drop of tears rolls down Dean's cheek and Sam loses it.
"Don't do this to me, Dean. I need you. You're my big brother and you're strong. You've always been so strong. For me."
Sam doesn't care whether Dean would get mad at him later when he is awake and finds that Sam has been holding him, rocking him like one does a baby. Sam only knows that Dean needs him now just as he does, too.
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Miserere nobis
Lacrimae meae panis
Dona nobis pacem
Meum cor contritum est
Miserere nobis
Lucerna verbum tuum
Firmamentum meum
Benedictus Dominus
Dona nobis pacem
Benedictus Dominus
Have mercy on us
My tears are bread
Grant us peace
My heart is contrite
Have mercy on us
Your word is a lantern
My firmament
Blessed be the Lord
Grant us peace
Blessed be the Lord