Disclaimer: Strangely enough, I do not own anything relating to Artemis Fowl. Are you surprised? Thought not.

Artemis Fowl – The Big Brother Establishment

Fowl Manor, Ireland

Butler had long ago given up trying to understand or predict what went on in the brain of Artemis Fowl. Best to just smile and nod and pretend that the endless flow of tangents made some kind of logical sense. Artemis operated on a completely different wave length to everybody else. It was pointless trying to follow him once he got fixated on an idea; at best, you'd get a serious, at worst you'd be reduced to a mumbling idiot with brains dribbling out of your ears.

But today, Artemis's behaviour was even stranger than normal. He was watching television. Apart from the news or the occasional documentary (which usually had him in tears of laughter after five minutes), he never seemed to watch anything. Not like most teenagers, whose T.V. addictions Artemis almost seemed to pity.

"The government spends so much time and money trying to stamp out drug and alcohol addiction, yet it does practically nothing about the thousands of people growing obese whilst glued to poor quality television. How tragic," he would say, sighing and shaking his head.

And yet here he was, sat in a black leather swivel chair, watching the flickering screen intently. Lines of thought criss-crossed his forehead like the roads of busy ants. The focus of Artemis's attention was perhaps the strangest factor in this equation; it was Big Brother.

It took Artemis a few minutes to register his bodyguard's presence, so absorbed was he by the events unfolding on screen. Two young blonde women were fighting (something about moisturiser), much to the amusement of the three men lounging on the sofa. Butler found it strangely compelling. He almost objected when Artemis finally noticed him and hit the mute button. He smiled.

"Enjoying that were we, Butler?"

Quickly regaining control of his mental functions, Butler shook his head.

"No sir. I was just wondering if you required anything."

"No, thank you Butler." As the manservant turned to leave, he decided that he must first voice a question that had been nagging him since he entered the room.

"If I might ask why…?" Artemis chuckled.

"Why am I watching this?" he replied, gesturing at the screen. Butler nodded. The boy leaned back in his chair.

"Very well. As you know, I take great interest in psychology. I simply find it fascinating, the affect living in close quarters with other people has on the mind and hence the behaviour." Oh no, thought Butler, I can smell another of Artemis's schemes. He has that glint in his eyes.

"Going to write a paper on it?" Butler laughed weakly. He already knew that he was wrong. Artemis's smile widened. It was not a nice smile. It was more of an I-have-a-cunning-plan smile.

"Oh no Butler. I cannot possibly come to any final conclusion without first conducting some experiments." Experiments? This did not sound good. A cold bead of sweat trickled slowly down the back of the manservant's neck.

"You don't mean…"

"Yes Butler. I intend to create…" he paused for dramatic effect "…my very own Big Brother!"

Still trying to process this bizarre turn of events, Butler found himself tagging along behind Artemis as he zoomed along the corridor to his study as though propelled by some supernatural force. Butler knew there was nothing supernatural about it – anyone who knew Artemis could tell when he had a new challenge before him. You could almost see the sparks flying from his ears as he began turning on a row of computers.

Within minutes the study was alive with the clicking and whirring of machinery. Artemis never liked to work on just one computer. That took far too long! He dashed between monitors, loading Internet search engines and data files, his face a frenzied mask of concentration. Butler had only seen him like this once before, during their first supernatural venture to kidnap a fairy… despite his initial forebodings, he felt a twinge of excitement in his stomach. Whatever Artemis was planning, it would be spectacular. It always was.

The boy genius was muttering under his breath as he finally sank back into a chair, eyebrows furrowed.

"Everything alright Artemis?" Not that Butler thought he could really help, but he felt that he had to ask. There was a moment's silence. Then Artemis replied, a smug grin sliding across his features.

"Yes. Perfect, in fact. I just need to make a few phone calls."

The Lower Elements, Haven City

It was a quiet afternoon in the J. Argon Clinic. The patients were being settled down for a nap, or whatever else it was that kept the crazy fairies quiet for a couple of hours, so for once not even their shrieking and wailing could be heard. Doctor Argon himself was taking advantage of the peace and quiet to watch a re-run of a talk-show he had been on. With a sigh, he leant back in his chair, a coffee in one hand and the plasma screen remote in the other. He was just describing one of his greatest successes, his crucial role in Fowl Manor Siege...

The phone on his desk rang. Argon groaned. What was it now? That stupid recycler had probably broken again. He switched off the screen and picked up.

"Hello, this is Doctor J. Argon speaking."

"Greetings, Doctor Argon. This is Artemis Fowl."

With a surprised yelp the psychologist fell off his chair, knocking a pile of papers from the desk and landing on a pot plant. He heard something snap.

"Are you alright doctor?" asked the Irish boy, a trace of amusement lining his words.

"Erm, yes, of course," stammered Argon, clambering back on to his seat. "What can i do for you?" He was wary now. Although there was nothing illegal about this conversation (yet), the LEP would certainly be interested to know that he was talking to public enemy number one.

"I have a proposition for you."

"Oh really?" Now he was really worried. A proposition from Artemis Fowl couldn't be a good thing.

"Let me explain..."

A few minutes later, the boy genius finished his explanation. Argon's smile had returned. Then again, maybe it could.

Author's Note: I borrowed this idea from another fan fic, Discworld Big Brother by Watchman. If you have read the Discworld books, READ IT! If you haven't read the Discworld books – WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GO OUT AND READ THEM! If you have (or haven't) enjoyed this, please review! I need the motivation, people.