Written by the Rat.
All these characters were created by Squaresoft, and no matter how much first stars I see at night I can never own them.
I also don't own the television show "Cops". Sorry, no Kurt Hawk this time.
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"LT Cloud Strife, reporting for duty. I have been doing this beat for three years now, and I have nearly seen it all.
I work the Midgar night-shift, and as the old saying goes, they only come out at night."
(His radio beeps and he answers it)
"LT Strife here. Yes. Ok. I'm on my way." (He hangs up and shakes his head)
"There has been a report of a bar-brawl in the neighbourhood. Let's roll."
(Cuts to Cloud pulling up at a bar. He steps out of his car and walks to one of the fighters.)
"Are you one of the people involved in the fight?" He asks the Ruby Weapon, who is sitting on the curb with an icepack on his head.
"Yeah. It wasn't my fault though. I was sitting at the bar, and I watching the latest chocobo race when I see this BEEP looking at me
from the corner of the bar. As I look at him he walks sideways, then takes a step forward. He was obviously BEEP off his face.
I didn't want any trouble so I looked back at the game. But when I looked back he was right up close. I stood up to talk to him
and the BEEP stabbed me in the leg! I hit him with an ultima attack but he took it. Then he said "nobodys grudge", and I passed out.
He is still inside, so go arrest his northern cave dwelling BEEP."
(Cloud goes inside the bar and instantly spots Tonberry sitting alone drinking in the corner. The other bar occupants are looking and
pointing at him. The barman directs Cloud to Tonberry.)
"Sir, my name is LT. Cloud Strife. I am with the Midgar police and I am going to have to ask you to come with me to the station.
(Tonberry stands up and takes a step forwards. Cloud whips out his handcuffs. Tonberry strikes out and the Cops camera is smashed.)
(The other camera is still in the car. Noises are heard from inside, then Cloud emerges with a beat-up Tonberry in handcuffs.
Ruby Weapon sees him.)
"Why you no good drunk son of a BEEP!" (He knocks Cloud over and beats on Tonberry. Cloud turns to the camera.)
"Sometimes this happens. You learn how to deal with it after three years."
(He goes to his car and takes out his Buster Sword. He starts glowing and flames eruot around his feet.)
"FINISHING TOUCH!" (Tonberry and Ruby Weapon are blown away."
(Camera cuts to Cloud driving. He gets another call.)
"Yeah. Ok. I'll be there in three minutes. We just got a call about an armed robbery taking place right now. Lets roll."
(He drives for a while and stops outside a bank. There are numerous other police cars and the alarm is blaring. Clous talks to another police
officer who is identified as LT Average Shinra Soldier.)
"Yeah, he is in there. He should be brought out soon."
(The camera zooms in as Barrett Wallace is brought out in extremely large handcuffs.)
"But I wasn't robbing it! I came to make a withdrawl! My arm is a BEEP gun! I can't help it! I wasn't robbing the place I tell you!"
(The Average Shinra Soldier comes up to him.)
"Sure, that's what they all say."
(Cuts to Cloud driving again. He gets another call, and turns the car around. He pulls up at a house where loud voices can be heard
inside.)
"This is your typical domestic situation. I'll handle this quickly."
(He walks up to the house and a lamp is thrown out the window. Cloud ducks it and clutches his radio.)
"Uh, hello. Anybody home?"
(The door opens and Bahamut comes out.)
"Yeah officer. We, um, are having a bit of a fight here. It's small, nothing to worry about."
(He is suddenly lifted into the air on a section of their front lawn. Neo Bahamut flys up and blasts him off. He falls down and through
the roof of the house.)
"You don't take that tone with me boy. You don't even have a bit added onto your name."
(Bahamut Zero comes out of the front door and hits Neo Bahamut on the head with a rolling pin.)
"OW. What was that for BEEP. Just cause you are as big as the planet doesn't mean you can hit me around. Well I have had enough
of your BEEP. I'm packing up and heading off!"
"You won't do anything Neo. You won't make it in the real world. You can't even get a steady girlfriend!"
"Don't go there girlfriend! I have actually been on several dates with Shiva, and we....."
"Shiva! You wish!" Bahamut had dragged himself out of the ruined house. "You get excited when Titan comes to visit!"
"WHY YOU BEEP BEEP SUCKING BEEP MOTHER BEEP! I AM NOT GAY!"
(They begin fighting again. Cloud loses his temper. He goes to his car and grabs the Buster sword. He leapss high into the air
and shouts "METEORAIN!" A hail of meteors rain down on the three dragons, stunning them all.)
"That should calm them down. When they wake up they would have forgotten this happened."
(Cuts again to Cloud in the car. He gets another call on the radio.)
"There is a ten-seventeen going on in sector ten. That is abuse of animals. Its just a few blocks away."
(He drives for a while then pulls up at a run-down house. Yuffie is on the front porch and is swearing at Red XIII.)
"GET YOU SCRAWNY BEEP BEEP OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BEEP PIECE OF BEEP DOG!"
"I'm a Beast, and I'm not scrawny. I'm small-boned."
(Yuffie kicks him and he runs down the street.)
"Excuse me lady. Stay where you are, and put your hands behind your head."
"What! BEEP of you BEEP pig!" (She pulls the fingers at the camera, which is blurred out.)
"Lady, I will ask you once more. Put your hands behind your back NOW!"
(Yuffie runs inside. Cloud follows. As he goes through the front door noises are heard.)
"WARK. WARK WARK."
"That sounds like Chocobos!" (Cloud runs through the house and kicks down a door. Inside is several people, whose faces are blurred out.
They see Cloud and run.)
"Oh no! It's a raid! Run Rufus! Out of my way Hojo!"
(Cloud sees Vincent Valentine slowly slinking away. His face is not blurred out.)
"Hey stop! Vincent stop!"
(He runs and Cloud chases him. He speaks to the camera man as he does.)
"That is Vincent Valentine, the notorious illegal Chocobo racer. He runs these little races to make cash, and treats the Chocobos really bad.
We have been after his abusive BEEP for a long time now."
(As they run out of the house and over the back fence rows after rows of Chocobos in cages can be seen.)
"Damn, he is getting away!" (Cloud looks around and spots the Chocobo Sage riding his green Chocobo.)
"Sir, I need to comandare this chicken." (He flashes his badge and hops on the animal. The camera man stays with the Sage.)
"So, uh, while we wait for officer Strife to catch him, who are you?"
"I'm the Chocobo Sage, and I was just out for a stroll and.................. Um, what was I saying? Can't remember for the life of me."
(Eventually Cloud returns, with a hairy animal on the back of the chocobo.)
"He morphed into this when I caught up to him. He was originally a chainsaw-weilding maniac but I beat him, I mean subdued him into
morphing down a few levels."
"AAARRRGGGHHH! MY EYES! HE MACED MY BEEP EYES! I"M GONNA SUE YOUR BEEP BEEP BACK TO THE STONE AGE!"
(Cloud is driving agin. His radio beeps and he answers it.)
"Yes, I will check it out. Over. It seems some punks are causing trouble near the flower shop. We should be there soon."
(Camera cuts to Cloud pulling up at a corner. Tifa Lockheart is crying. She looks at Cloud and starts talking.)
"Oh thanks! These guys are drinking and abusing people on the footpath. They have been drinking and threw a beer can at me.
They made rude comments and one even tripped me over. Go arrest them!"
(Cloud walks over and spots the Knights of the Round drinking and swearing at people as they pass them.)
"Hey baby! Nice meteors!"
"Hey you! What you looking at BEEP face. He he he."
(Cloud walks to them and starts talking.)
"Excuse me, but I have to ask you to........" (He is pelted with beer cans. Cloud smiles and walks back to his car. He opens the boot and takes
out a box. He unlocks it and takes out the Ultima Weapon. He turns to the camera.)
"Sometimes you have to show them who's boss."
(He walks over to them. They see his weapon and stand up. Cloud calmly runs his hands through his hair, then bursts into flames.)
"RESPECT MY AUTHORITY! OMNISLASH!"
(The rest of the footage is a blur of screaming and metal blades. Eventually there is silence. He has knocked them all out. Cloud takes out
13 pairs of handcuffs and manages to put them all into the back of his squad car.)
(Day is breaking over the city of Midgar. Cloud is heading home, but gets one last call.)
"Yes. Ok, I'm there. Over."
(Cloud drives to his last destination, and doesn't say a word on the drive. He pulls up at a street corner, and steps out. Aeris Gainsborough
is staggering around the street.)
"Um, excuse me madam. What seems to be the problem."
"What? Whadya want boy? I am busy here. Trying to stop the street from spinning."
"Uh, lady. Would you mind calming down. You are making a scene. If you would like me to drop you off at your home........"
"WHAT! I AM NOT MAKING A BEEP SCENE! I live over the road anyway. Seeya BEEP." (She walks across the road.)
"Maybe you should lay off the old Mako Juice lady."
(Cloud is driving back to the station.)
"Well, that's my shift over. I like to think I made a difference tonight. Every arrest makes an impact.
This job is very difficult I know, but you get by. One day at a time.
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How did you like that one? I made most of it up on the spot like my first Final Fantasy 7 humour fic. I started out to write horror but humour is
more of my thing. Please review it and say if it's better than my E! Behind the scenes one. I didn't have enough jokes to make a follow-up to the
behind the scenes one sorry, so I made this one. Maybe someone else could make a behind the scenes follow up for me.
Cool if someone would, but thank me in it pleeeeeze?
Shane Mannell.
All these characters were created by Squaresoft, and no matter how much first stars I see at night I can never own them.
I also don't own the television show "Cops". Sorry, no Kurt Hawk this time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"LT Cloud Strife, reporting for duty. I have been doing this beat for three years now, and I have nearly seen it all.
I work the Midgar night-shift, and as the old saying goes, they only come out at night."
(His radio beeps and he answers it)
"LT Strife here. Yes. Ok. I'm on my way." (He hangs up and shakes his head)
"There has been a report of a bar-brawl in the neighbourhood. Let's roll."
(Cuts to Cloud pulling up at a bar. He steps out of his car and walks to one of the fighters.)
"Are you one of the people involved in the fight?" He asks the Ruby Weapon, who is sitting on the curb with an icepack on his head.
"Yeah. It wasn't my fault though. I was sitting at the bar, and I watching the latest chocobo race when I see this BEEP looking at me
from the corner of the bar. As I look at him he walks sideways, then takes a step forward. He was obviously BEEP off his face.
I didn't want any trouble so I looked back at the game. But when I looked back he was right up close. I stood up to talk to him
and the BEEP stabbed me in the leg! I hit him with an ultima attack but he took it. Then he said "nobodys grudge", and I passed out.
He is still inside, so go arrest his northern cave dwelling BEEP."
(Cloud goes inside the bar and instantly spots Tonberry sitting alone drinking in the corner. The other bar occupants are looking and
pointing at him. The barman directs Cloud to Tonberry.)
"Sir, my name is LT. Cloud Strife. I am with the Midgar police and I am going to have to ask you to come with me to the station.
(Tonberry stands up and takes a step forwards. Cloud whips out his handcuffs. Tonberry strikes out and the Cops camera is smashed.)
(The other camera is still in the car. Noises are heard from inside, then Cloud emerges with a beat-up Tonberry in handcuffs.
Ruby Weapon sees him.)
"Why you no good drunk son of a BEEP!" (He knocks Cloud over and beats on Tonberry. Cloud turns to the camera.)
"Sometimes this happens. You learn how to deal with it after three years."
(He goes to his car and takes out his Buster Sword. He starts glowing and flames eruot around his feet.)
"FINISHING TOUCH!" (Tonberry and Ruby Weapon are blown away."
(Camera cuts to Cloud driving. He gets another call.)
"Yeah. Ok. I'll be there in three minutes. We just got a call about an armed robbery taking place right now. Lets roll."
(He drives for a while and stops outside a bank. There are numerous other police cars and the alarm is blaring. Clous talks to another police
officer who is identified as LT Average Shinra Soldier.)
"Yeah, he is in there. He should be brought out soon."
(The camera zooms in as Barrett Wallace is brought out in extremely large handcuffs.)
"But I wasn't robbing it! I came to make a withdrawl! My arm is a BEEP gun! I can't help it! I wasn't robbing the place I tell you!"
(The Average Shinra Soldier comes up to him.)
"Sure, that's what they all say."
(Cuts to Cloud driving again. He gets another call, and turns the car around. He pulls up at a house where loud voices can be heard
inside.)
"This is your typical domestic situation. I'll handle this quickly."
(He walks up to the house and a lamp is thrown out the window. Cloud ducks it and clutches his radio.)
"Uh, hello. Anybody home?"
(The door opens and Bahamut comes out.)
"Yeah officer. We, um, are having a bit of a fight here. It's small, nothing to worry about."
(He is suddenly lifted into the air on a section of their front lawn. Neo Bahamut flys up and blasts him off. He falls down and through
the roof of the house.)
"You don't take that tone with me boy. You don't even have a bit added onto your name."
(Bahamut Zero comes out of the front door and hits Neo Bahamut on the head with a rolling pin.)
"OW. What was that for BEEP. Just cause you are as big as the planet doesn't mean you can hit me around. Well I have had enough
of your BEEP. I'm packing up and heading off!"
"You won't do anything Neo. You won't make it in the real world. You can't even get a steady girlfriend!"
"Don't go there girlfriend! I have actually been on several dates with Shiva, and we....."
"Shiva! You wish!" Bahamut had dragged himself out of the ruined house. "You get excited when Titan comes to visit!"
"WHY YOU BEEP BEEP SUCKING BEEP MOTHER BEEP! I AM NOT GAY!"
(They begin fighting again. Cloud loses his temper. He goes to his car and grabs the Buster sword. He leapss high into the air
and shouts "METEORAIN!" A hail of meteors rain down on the three dragons, stunning them all.)
"That should calm them down. When they wake up they would have forgotten this happened."
(Cuts again to Cloud in the car. He gets another call on the radio.)
"There is a ten-seventeen going on in sector ten. That is abuse of animals. Its just a few blocks away."
(He drives for a while then pulls up at a run-down house. Yuffie is on the front porch and is swearing at Red XIII.)
"GET YOU SCRAWNY BEEP BEEP OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU BEEP PIECE OF BEEP DOG!"
"I'm a Beast, and I'm not scrawny. I'm small-boned."
(Yuffie kicks him and he runs down the street.)
"Excuse me lady. Stay where you are, and put your hands behind your head."
"What! BEEP of you BEEP pig!" (She pulls the fingers at the camera, which is blurred out.)
"Lady, I will ask you once more. Put your hands behind your back NOW!"
(Yuffie runs inside. Cloud follows. As he goes through the front door noises are heard.)
"WARK. WARK WARK."
"That sounds like Chocobos!" (Cloud runs through the house and kicks down a door. Inside is several people, whose faces are blurred out.
They see Cloud and run.)
"Oh no! It's a raid! Run Rufus! Out of my way Hojo!"
(Cloud sees Vincent Valentine slowly slinking away. His face is not blurred out.)
"Hey stop! Vincent stop!"
(He runs and Cloud chases him. He speaks to the camera man as he does.)
"That is Vincent Valentine, the notorious illegal Chocobo racer. He runs these little races to make cash, and treats the Chocobos really bad.
We have been after his abusive BEEP for a long time now."
(As they run out of the house and over the back fence rows after rows of Chocobos in cages can be seen.)
"Damn, he is getting away!" (Cloud looks around and spots the Chocobo Sage riding his green Chocobo.)
"Sir, I need to comandare this chicken." (He flashes his badge and hops on the animal. The camera man stays with the Sage.)
"So, uh, while we wait for officer Strife to catch him, who are you?"
"I'm the Chocobo Sage, and I was just out for a stroll and.................. Um, what was I saying? Can't remember for the life of me."
(Eventually Cloud returns, with a hairy animal on the back of the chocobo.)
"He morphed into this when I caught up to him. He was originally a chainsaw-weilding maniac but I beat him, I mean subdued him into
morphing down a few levels."
"AAARRRGGGHHH! MY EYES! HE MACED MY BEEP EYES! I"M GONNA SUE YOUR BEEP BEEP BACK TO THE STONE AGE!"
(Cloud is driving agin. His radio beeps and he answers it.)
"Yes, I will check it out. Over. It seems some punks are causing trouble near the flower shop. We should be there soon."
(Camera cuts to Cloud pulling up at a corner. Tifa Lockheart is crying. She looks at Cloud and starts talking.)
"Oh thanks! These guys are drinking and abusing people on the footpath. They have been drinking and threw a beer can at me.
They made rude comments and one even tripped me over. Go arrest them!"
(Cloud walks over and spots the Knights of the Round drinking and swearing at people as they pass them.)
"Hey baby! Nice meteors!"
"Hey you! What you looking at BEEP face. He he he."
(Cloud walks to them and starts talking.)
"Excuse me, but I have to ask you to........" (He is pelted with beer cans. Cloud smiles and walks back to his car. He opens the boot and takes
out a box. He unlocks it and takes out the Ultima Weapon. He turns to the camera.)
"Sometimes you have to show them who's boss."
(He walks over to them. They see his weapon and stand up. Cloud calmly runs his hands through his hair, then bursts into flames.)
"RESPECT MY AUTHORITY! OMNISLASH!"
(The rest of the footage is a blur of screaming and metal blades. Eventually there is silence. He has knocked them all out. Cloud takes out
13 pairs of handcuffs and manages to put them all into the back of his squad car.)
(Day is breaking over the city of Midgar. Cloud is heading home, but gets one last call.)
"Yes. Ok, I'm there. Over."
(Cloud drives to his last destination, and doesn't say a word on the drive. He pulls up at a street corner, and steps out. Aeris Gainsborough
is staggering around the street.)
"Um, excuse me madam. What seems to be the problem."
"What? Whadya want boy? I am busy here. Trying to stop the street from spinning."
"Uh, lady. Would you mind calming down. You are making a scene. If you would like me to drop you off at your home........"
"WHAT! I AM NOT MAKING A BEEP SCENE! I live over the road anyway. Seeya BEEP." (She walks across the road.)
"Maybe you should lay off the old Mako Juice lady."
(Cloud is driving back to the station.)
"Well, that's my shift over. I like to think I made a difference tonight. Every arrest makes an impact.
This job is very difficult I know, but you get by. One day at a time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How did you like that one? I made most of it up on the spot like my first Final Fantasy 7 humour fic. I started out to write horror but humour is
more of my thing. Please review it and say if it's better than my E! Behind the scenes one. I didn't have enough jokes to make a follow-up to the
behind the scenes one sorry, so I made this one. Maybe someone else could make a behind the scenes follow up for me.
Cool if someone would, but thank me in it pleeeeeze?
Shane Mannell.