Feros. There had been many difficult decisions at that cursed colony. Commander Shepard tried not to think too much about Feros. She certainly never spoke of the place if she could avoid it, for fear of saying too much. In the few times her asari lover Dr Liara T'Soni had had the chance to speak with her on the matter, she'd changed the subject or just shut the conversation down.
Liara knew something terrible had happened at the Zhu's Hope colony on Feros, but had assumed that the ancient Thorian creature was reason enough to explain this. Whenever they had joined after the mission, the same face fleetingly passed by. Liara had always known who this interloper was, but only some of the why. Why this face? She'd never felt it necessary to push the subject until now and even if she had wanted to previously, events had made that impossible. Two years dead, the Collector base attack, custody with the Alliance, the Commander had been busy and they'd had little time for such discussions.
Shepard had tried to keep the full details of the Feros mission from Liara, but feared this day would come once Alliance and Council records became readily available to her. Shepard had had the Alliance judiciary to protect her from this moment in the time since they took down the Shadow Broker and all his information networks became Liara's.
But now, as they headed to the Citadel aboard the Normandy SR-2 to seek help for Earth, that protection was gone.
"Well...?" Liara stares, the ashamed Commander's reddening face highlighted by the light of the banks of screens in the old Executive Officer's suite. The asari information broker had discovered the full extent of the mission months before their re-union on Mars and had been waiting to confront her.
What can Shepard say?
The infected colonists at Zhu's Hope had fought like feral beasts to defend the Thorian creature. She had spared many, but unfortunately not all. It was difficult, but acceptable. Collateral damage.
The Exo-Geni corporation representative Ethan Jeong, hell-bent on protecting his employer's interests at any cost. He would not be reasonable. He would have caused the deaths of many innocents. No, he could not live. That could be justified.
"I have read Garrus' and Wrex's reports on the Feros mission you know," Liara informs her accusingly, giving her the chance to volunteer the truth. Shepard shuffles around on the spot, knowing that she can't weasel her way out of the conversation this time, uncomfortable with the lack of warmth from her lover.
Finally Shepard looks up from the floor and speaks, defiant but desperate.
"What was I supposed to do?"
"That doesn't answer the question. She gave you the cipher. Voluntarily. Then she put her life in your hands and you shot her in cold blood. Why?"
"She was indoctrinated!"
"You can't KNOW that! Goddess, we barely even knew what indoctrination was at that point. She helped you and then offered to help the colonists. What about hope, Shepard? We cannot kill 'just in case', that's what Cerberus does!"
A rage comes across Shepard's face at the comparison.
Realising the impact of her comment, a flustered Liara placates, "Oh you know what I mean, I didn't mean that you... I'm sorry."
"I know." Shepard knew full well what Liara meant and let her anger pass. Despite giving Shepard's corpse to the dark organization Cerberus that they might resurrect her, and their assistance hunting down the Shadow Broker, Liara was still disappointed that the Commander had chosen to work with them. She'd been there with Shepard and Ashley when they found Admiral Kahoku's murdered body and the horrors that Cerberus had created. This was another unspoken issue between them. But that was for another day.
Liara remains silent, giving Shepard a chance to get over the accusation.
"Is this because she was asari?"
"No! Don't you turn this around onto me! You're a trained killer, Shepard, but I know you are not a murderer. I need to understand. Why?"
"You didn't see Feros."
Sensing that Shepard is ready to yield, Liara leans back to perch against the console's edge. She uncomfortably arranges herself so as not to press against the console keys, but her shaking was too obvious to stand free. Crossing her arms, she indicates with her eyes and the slightest of nods that she is ready to hear the truth.
"Geth, infected colonists, Thorian thralls, there were threats everywhere. It was terrible, Liara. I tried to save as many colonists as I could but there was just too many, it was just too chaotic."
"Yes yes, but Shiala?"
Liara had seen through the feint. Shepard exhales long and hard, before speaking again.
"She'd just spent the previous hour trying to kill us while we took down the Thorian creature and its thralls. She..."
"No! It was that monstrosity. It wasn't her. You knew that!"
"Please. Liara..." Shepard's voice breaks slightly as a tear rolls down her cheek and a look of fear spreads across her face. She couldn't lose Liara. Beautiful Liara. In Shepard's eyes, the term 'paragon of virtue' was not suited to anyone better. If she can't fix this, would Liara be able to respect her any more? Could she forgive her? Would she even want her after this?
Shepard often used Liara as her moral compass. Even when she was very young and the first vids from the asari home world of Thessia reached her colony on Mindoir, she was awestruck by the grace and beauty of the asari and their perceived manifesto of inclusion and tolerance. She envied their natural biotic ability and the education they received. She wanted to live up to their expectations of virtue and industry. She didn't care about the cruel taunts when she dressed as an asari for her school's end of semester costume party, even dying herself blue from head to toe. The dye wouldn't wash off for a week, much to her mother's consternation, but to the young Shepard's delight.
Even before that, the other children called her 'alien lover' for her desire to know more and understand better the other races. She would often play alone, acting out heroic scenes as the asari saviour, saving imaginary innocents from imaginary evils; one of the reasons she became so close to Samara the Justicar so quickly, she was everything that she'd wanted to be as a youngster. When Liara joined the crew of the SR-1 in what felt a lifetime ago, Shepard quietly revelled that she could finally ask a real asari about their culture.
She was too young to remember the First Contact Wars but knew first-hand of the xenophobia that followed, but the asari gave her hope that in time, the galaxy could be peaceful. She disgusted herself that she'd let that little girl down so badly.
"When I looked at Shiala, I could only see a tool of Saren. I saw what that bastard did to your mother, what that did to you. She had to die."
"Revenge..? For me..? Goddess..."
What could Liara say now? She'd spent two years harbouring a grudge against the Shadow Broker to finally kill him for similar reasons. Was she any better, she thought? Does she have the right to push this line of enquiry?
"Okay... okay..." Liara whispers, stalling for something more meaningful.
"Liara, she haunts me. Her face, her joining. I'm not proud or happy that I killed her. I've torn myself apart over it, but..."
She didn't need to say any more. Not yet.
"Okay then." Liara draws a line under the conversation with her firm words and a hand gesture. This will no doubt need further inquisition, but for now, regret is enough. Liara steps towards Shepard into the slightest of hugs then holds her lover's face in her hands staring intently into her eyes. "I do not want you to lose your humanity to this war. You are the avatar of everything noble and good about your race. Remember that."
Liara releases the embrace and turns to her console. "We have a lot ahead of us, you might want to get some sleep while you can. I have work to do." She gestures not towards the lovers' bed at the end of the office, but to the exit.
Shepard motions towards Liara, then shoulders slumped, turns away towards the exit. As she reaches the doorway, the deflated Commander turns to look back at the young asari doctor now working busily on the console. "I'm sorry" she whispers as another tear forces its way out, knowing that Liara would not see or hear her.
But then, it wasn't for her.