"Wake up you lazy boy, wake up!" said Navi, the annoying fairy. She flew up and down and up and down until Link scratched his eyes and sat up sleepily.

"What?" said Link. "Ow, stop it. Hangover. Too much vodka last night. And you're really bright. Oh gosh. Stop it. Stop. STOP FLYING."

"The Deku Tree summoned you. Now follow me!" said Navi. She was smiling, but of course there was no way to indicate that. She was a stupid ball of light. Amongst other fairies, she was also known as "Captain Obvious" and "STFU".

Link flew down the ladder of his awesome tree house only to find that his grass haired elfian friend, Saria was stalking towards him. A ball of light was following her too, except this light was less annoying.

"Link!" exclaimed Saria, because she always spoke with a "!" at the end of every sentence. "You finally have your own fairy! Marvelous!"

"Yeah, I know. It's annoying," said Link.

"Has the Deku Tree really summoned you?" Saria said.

"Uh, yeah. It would seem so."

"Marvelous!"

"Yeah, okay, bye," said Link.

"Talk to me when you're done." Saria gave Link an air kiss. He shuddered.

"Let's go, Link!" Navi said, flickering again. "The Deku Tree has summoned you!"

"Okay, stop it. Hangover." Link walked away from creepy Saria and up his hilly property towards the pathway of the Deku Tree. Oh. ROADBLOCK! The sort of Mayor of Kokiri Forest, Mido appeared before him.

"ZOMG WHY DID THE DEKU TREE SUMMON YOU, THEFAIRYLESSDUDE AND NOT. ME. THE. AWESOME. MIDOL? I AM THE LEGENDARY PERIOD CRAMP SOLVER, MIDOL!! WHY WHY WHY! Oh. You have a fairy. Bleh. Well, unless you have a sword and a crappy flammable shield, you can't go through since you're not man enough. Can't find 'em? LOLWELLTHAT'SYOURPROBLEM." said Midol, I mean Mido.

"Okay, whatever, fine," said Link. "Oh. That red roof place looks special. Let's go there."

For some reason, a nameless carrot elf girl was sitting merrily on top of the red roof place.

"PRESS Z AND HEY LOOK HERE."

Link looked. "What?"

"Z TARGETING IS SO CONVENIENT, RIGHT?"

"Right," said Link. "Bye."

He entered the shop. The shopkeeper glared.

"The shield costs 40 rupees. Now go smash some stones and hop across the three pedestals and walk through grass to get some free money."

Link did what he was told and returned with the amount.

"Here's your stinking shield," said the shopkeeper nastily, handing him the crappy shield.

Link left the shop. "Now what," he said, hitching the shield on his back.

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you!" cried Navi. Link batted her away.

"Uh...sword. Sword. Sword. Um...Let's go up that place with all the fences and all the caution tape."

"There is no caution tape," said Navi, squinting.

"Must be the vodka." Link ignored the guy on the right and squeezed into the hole. "Crap, I need to go on a diet. This. Is. Small."

After cursing the fat rolls on his stomach and the cheesecake from last night, Link crawled through the hole. Then he was suddenly hit by a boulder. "What the hell?" said Link, rubbing his behind. "Is there a sword here? Well, gamefaqs says there is so there must be. AUUUGH BOULDER!"

After getting two more times by the cycling boulder, Link found the treasure chest and "borrowed" the legendary Kokiri sword which wasn't really all that legendary. Very replacable. And plain. And stupid. Okay, let's move on.

"Okay Fido, move," said Link.

"HOWDIDYOUGETTHOSETHINGIES?" Fido, I mean, Mido said. "WELL, JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A SPARKLY SWORD AND AN UGLY SHIELD DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A MAN." "

"Duh, of course I'm not a man. I'm not Adult Link yet," said Link.

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you," shouted Navi, and Link smacked her like a fly. And she died. The end. Oh, if only it were that simple.

Then Link killed some ugly blue venus fly trap flowers that wanted to eat half of his hearts. Then the awesome ITEM CATCH REDUX played as he held up his shining Deku Nuts and Deku Sticks to absolutely no one.

"Okay, Deku Tree, what now?"

"I has been cursed by sand person. Saves me. Enter my body which has full fledged dungeon and spiders lurking. Gogogogo."

Link entered the mouth of the big tree and winced.

"Oh gosh this smells awful. Do you ever brush your teeth?"

"The Great Deku Tree has summoned you!" said Navi. "Oh, we're in him right now."

"That's what she said!" said Link. Navi winced but quickly recovered to say,

"Look at the vine thingies! You can climb up it!"

"Yeah, I noticed," said Link. "But there's a ladder over there."

Link climbed up the ladder and hopped skipped jumped into a few doors.

Okay, let's fast forward to the boss because it's not interesting and I don't remember.

.....

25 minutes later of button mashing and skulltula whomping.

.....

"I'MSORRYQUEEN," wailed the Deku thing into a microphone. "WE ARE THE CHAMPIIIIIONS." Dun dun de dun. And through the fast forward non-existent cut scene, Link has accquired a cool slingshot with a useless map/compass. Yeyz.

Link went into the door.

One minute passed.

Then two.

Then ten.

"What the hell?" said Link. He consulted gamefaqs. "Oh! I'm supposed to look up."

Link looked up. A bloodshot eye with yellow specks stared back.

"Ew," said Link. "What has the Deku Tree been eating?"

After running around and killing spider spawn babies that suddenly dropped from the sky, Link decided to finally act smart and shoot the beast with the slingshot. Dun de duuuuun! It falls. Thungk.

Now, because jump slash is much more effective (HINT HINT), Link jump slashed. And two more times of this boring process the spider cripples and turns into a pile of soot. A sparkly heart thingy appears and Link eats it. No wonder he was chosen as the destined hero...What kind of normal person has multiple hearts?

"Oh ow. Blue flashing lights. I'm going to have a seizure," said Link, looking at the flashing blue portal. He went into the blue light and magically appeared in front of the Great Deku Tree.

"Okay, Deku, what now?" said Link. "You're saved right? Can I go now? I have some rum in my cabinet and I--"

"Listen to my story?" said the Deku Tree.

"No."

"You listen anyway," said the Deku Tree.

Link sighed. "Go on."

"Thank you for saving. But I is dying anyway. Curse drain all power. Sand man is King of Desert. Named Ganondwarf. He want green rhinestone from me. I say no, he put curse. He gonna take over Hyrule with his evil heart. Blah blah blah blah three goddesses, power, wisdom, courage, leeks, triforce, I like pie, okay, the end."

Navi sped around Link and hit him in the eye. Link woke up mid-snore.

"Right, yeah. Okay, so I have to save the world? Is that it?"

"Here is stone. Gather all three stones to win the sweepstakes prize from Kellogs." The Deku Tree tossed the shiny green stone at him, the Kokiri's...Gem? Anyway, with his last breath, the Deku Tree said, "Go find Zelda. She help."

"K, cool. Is she hot?"

The Deku Tree suddenly withered and died.

"Bye Deku Tree..." said Navi sadly. Link stood up and ditched her.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOONE," sobbed Midol. "YOUKILLER!"

"What? Okay, I'm off to find a hot princess. Bye."

Link was about to leave when someone stopped him. On the bridge waiting for him....

"Link!" said Saria. "Are you leaving...?!"

"Yeah," said Link.

"I always knew you'd leave... You're not like the rest of us... You're handsome and special and kissable and... Well, here is a Fairy Ocarina... it will represent our undying love...a momento of me...so you can look at it when you miss me because I love you!" .... .... .... *insert more dramatic elipses here* Then, Saria inched forward, her green lips pursed.

Link backed away, twitching. "Awesome. Okay. Thanks. Bye." And with that, he left without turning his head, facing his fate...And his destiny lies within Hyrule castle...

TO BE OR NOT TO BE CONTINUED.