Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of its characters. This was written for purely entertainment purposes, is meant only to be posted on .net, and is for my amusement and writing practice.
Hurt Me Back
Their fifth year started out wonderfully. James gave a great whoop as he transformed back to human form, the thrill of transfiguration rushing through his veins as though he had just played a Quidditch game. Remus couldn't keep the grin off his face, and Sirius and Peter clapped.
"All right, James!" Sirius cheered, hopping up from his seat on the bed. "Let me try."
James high-fived Remus as he took Sirius's seat, grinning like a madman.
"Come on, you can do it!"
"Go Sirius!"
Remus didn't say anything, but his eyes gleamed with more gratitude than he could put into words.
Sirius closed his eyes, like James had done, took a deep breath, and focused all of his energy on transfiguring himself. They had gone through the theory, they had gone through so much training for this moment, they even studied extra hard over the break. James recalled Sirius writing letter upon letter on how suspicious Regulus and the rest of the Black family had been when Sirius said he was "doing homework." James didn't know how much Sirius did tell him and how much he omitted, but it didn't take a genius to figure out that Walburga was crazy, that Orion hated him, and that Regulus was a momma's boy.
Sirius's transformation was beautiful, so unlike Remus's monthly curse. His body flowed and molded into a black, four-legged creature instead of forcibly bending and cracking into the form of a wolf - hey he kind of looked like a wolf from this angle. . . .
"You're a dog!" Remus gasped, the first thing he had said since they barricaded themselves in their new dormitory.
Sirius jumped up onto the bed, barking, and licked Remus's face. Remus laughed as he fell onto his back and tried to push Sirius off of him.
"Cut it out!"
Sirius pressed his nose further in on Remus. James grinned as he threw himself atop Sirius and Remus. Sirius yelped, but maneuvered around to drag his tongue over James's glasses.
"Ew!" James chuckled.
Peter chortled, but he didn't join in. Peter was a little odd that way - always wanting to be a part of the group, but never actually doing anything. James didn't mind, though. Peter was a big worry-wart, so unless they could ensure he wouldn't get hurt, there was no point in getting Peter to do anything, anyway.
Sirius jumped off the bed and transformed back, grinning.
"Your turn, Peter!"
Peter's laughter petered off, replaced by trepidation. He looked from Sirius to Remus to James. James nodded his head.
"You can do it, Peter," James said.
Remus nodded in agreement. No matter how quiet Remus was, they always knew when they had his support and when he thought they were being stupid.
Peter hesitated a moment, then pushed himself off the bed. Sirius promptly took his seat.
"Let's see it, Pete!"
James bit his lower lip, hoping that his friend could do it. He had even gone over to Peter's house to make sure that he didn't mess up too badly over the summer.
Peter shut his eyes tightly and did that thing where he stuck his tongue out of the right corner of his mouth when he was concentrating really hard - tended to mean he was concentrating too hard. . . . Soon, slowly but surely, Peter was shrinking, shrinking, his hand turning into paws and his face elongating, and he transformed into a -
"Rat!" Sirius howled as he broke into another fit of laughter. "He turned into a rat!"
"Looks more like a mouse to me," James said, picking Peter up by the tail.
"He's a rat," Remus said, ignoring the look James gave him in favor of watching Sirius laugh his buttocks off.
"I say he's a mouse," James insisted.
He let go as Peter turned back. The rounder boy's cheeks flushed a light pink, and he smiled nervously.
They all froze as the doorknob to the dorm moved. It was like time froze for them as the door opened, revealing the suspicious face of the girl Gryffindor prefect, Lily Evans. James's hand immediately went to his hair.
"Are you four getting into trouble already?" she asked.
"What's it to you?" Sirius taunted.
She flashed her prefect badge at them.
"So? Remus's got one, too."
Remus chose to ignore both Sirius and Evans, so he busied himself with a book. Evans scowled at Sirius.
"And it's wasted on him."
Guilt flashed in Remus's eyes, and James had to pick: impress Evans or stand up for his friend. He sighed as he made his decision.
"You know, you'd be a much prettier girl if you minded your own business," James said, leaning against the bed post confidently.
Evans glared at him.
"Who would want to be considered pretty by you?"
"Tough talk coming from someone dating Snivellus," James retorted.
Evans's eyes turned cold.
"Tough talk coming from such a jackass."
"If you want a fight, Evans, you've come to the right place," Sirius said, standing up, wand in hand.
Dread pricked at the hairs on James's neck. Sirius never backed down from a fight, especially if it was against a girl. Sometimes, late at night when he didn't have a choice but think of unpleasant things, he wondered if Sirius's anti-girl attitude was trigged because of his mother. . . . But then he just reminded himself that Sirius just really didn't like Evans and hadn't shown much interest in girls yet.
"Sirius, I'm stuck on the Potions essay. You got an E in that class last year, right?" Remus said.
Sirius looked over at Remus and stared at the Potions book in Remus's lap for a moment. He turned back to Evans.
"Get out so we can do homework," was all Sirius said to her before sitting next to Remus again and taking the book out of his lap. "Okay, where are you stuck?"
"Here," Remus said, pointing at a paragraph near the bottom of the page.
Evans gave them all one last glare, then closed their dormitory door.
James sighed. How was he supposed to woo her if Sirius chased her off every time? He guessed he couldn't blame Sirius, though. They all knew that, ever since they met him, Sirius has always been of the "ew-girls-have-cooties" mindset, and any "don't fight girls" speeches from his parents were completely ignored along with the pureblood mania. Whenever they tried to talk him out of it, he always came back with something along the lines of "they're not fragile dolls, they'll hex you good if you give them a chance." Which was definitely true, but still. . . .
"James?"
He looked over at Peter.
"Yeah?"
"I need help with my homework, too."
James smirked.
"Okay, Peter."
The full moon loomed above them, trying to taunt them. James smirked at it. It couldn't keep Remus away from them this time. Nope. It didn't count on them being Animagi.
"You're smirking smugly at the moon again, James," Sirius said, walking ahead towards the Whomping Willow.
"Eh heh."
Peter clung to James's sleeve.
"We're sure about this?"
"Don't worry, Peter. We won't get caught. Werewolves don't hurt animals. Just transform, hit the knot on the tree, and then Sirius and I can follow."
"Everything will be fine after that, promise," Sirius said, a little impatient. James rolled his eyes at Sirius, hoping that someday he'd take Peter's anxiety seriously. He snorted at the pun.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at him as Peter twisted around the roots and skittered up the tree. James shook his head as the Whomping Willow froze.
Taking deep breaths, the two transformed, and soon a dog, a stag, and a rat traipsed into the tunnel.
The tunnel was not easy to navigate as a stag, so James had to transform back for a few feet. Once they reached the opening to the Shack, he transformed back. Peter crawled through a hole in the door, and Sirius pushed the door open with his nose.
The Shrieking Shack looked more dilapidated inside than out. But they hadn't prepared themselves for the screaming.
Remus's screams rang through their ears. Sirius whimpered and pressed his paws over his ears. Peter started squeaking and running around in circles until he found a piece of rug to hide his head under. James stood stock still; he had never heard anyone scream like that before. He was screaming so loud, he could almost feel the pain Remus was going through.
His screams turned to bloodcurdling howls and snarls, and soon they couldn't hear a thing.
James slowly trotted toward the staircase and looked upstairs. He climbed the stairs, soon joined by Sirius and Peter.
When James spotted Remus, curled up on the floor, breathing heavy, he felt what he could only categorize as fear. Maybe the kind of fear that Peter felt on a regular basis. Was this a good idea? Were they safe? Sure, James was a huge animal and could probably take care of himself, but if Remus wanted to, he could probably eat Peter in one bite. And as big a dog Sirius was, Remus looked like he was much bigger. James knew from experience that Remus would win in a fight between the two; the wrestling match over Quidditch Through the Ages proved that. Sirius had insisted for months that his jaw hadn't realigned yet.
Remus lifted his head and eyed them for a long time. James felt Peter climbing onto his back and up to his developing antlers.
Developing. Crap. One less advantage.
Before James could think of a way to prove to Remus's wolf brain that they didn't mean any harm, Sirius trotted up to him and nudged him with his nose. The seconds that passed felt like an eternity before Remus nudged Sirius back and licked the side of his muzzle. Sirius barked in delight.
James relaxed. What was he thinking? Nothing to worry about.
Soon, it was like they weren't animals but their regular selves. Remus was just more active and playful. James still didn't feel too comfortable letting Peter scurry around on the floor, being chased by Remus and Sirius, but he attributed that to the fact that now Peter really was much smaller than the rest of them. Had his lips allowed, he'd have smirked that the irony that they had been competing to see who had grown the most over the summer and who should be demoted to shortest of the group this year. (It was James, once again. He had thrown a pillow at Sirius for laughing so hard.)
Peter climbed atop James's head again, leaving Remus and Sirius to roll around on the floor. James had tried to join in the frolicking earlier . . . but after tipping over a dresser, he decided to just sit or stand still. Deer weren't meant to be indoors, after all.
Remus pinned Sirius down, and Sirius started growling. James's ears pricked up, his body tensing. Remus growled back, then Sirius bared his teeth. James felt Peter trying to hide himself amongst James's fur. As soon as James got to his hooves, Sirius threw Remus off him and took off like a rocket, Remus running after him. James followed, but stairs weren't meant for deer, either; he tripped over himself and fell to the floor.
Well, at least they couldn't leave the Shrieking . . . Shack. . . .
James stared at the open door, leading to the tunnel, leading to the grounds. . . . He could hear Remus's howl echoing down the tunnel.
He hurried to his hooves and dashed into the tunnel, not daring to transform back. Peter clung desperately to his antlers.
James almost lost his head as he remembered the branches of the Whomping Willow. How had Remus and Sirius gotten past them? Peter crawled out of the tunnel and pressed the knot. James climbed out and ran as fast as he could away from the Whomping Willow while trying to see which way the dog and werewolf went. Peter scampered atop his head again.
James looked left. Didn't see them. He looked right. Didn't see them, either. He looked towards the lake. Not there. He looked behind him, at the Forbidden Forest. Didn't see them, but it was a dense forest. . . . How far could they have gotten in the time it took him to climb out of the tunnel? What was up with them, anyway? He took off towards the forest.
He never did find them that night.
James saw Remus before Sirius the next day. Remus was bandaged up and had a deeper frown than usual. James took his regular seat next to him, handing Remus a bag of chocolate.
"It's from Peter."
Remus took it, but he was still frowning.
"James."
"Yeah?"
"There's part of last night that I don't remember. I remember playing with . . . the dog and the rat, but . . . I can't remember why I was in the forest."
James checked to make sure Madam Pomfrey was busy.
"We accidently left the door open when we came in."
Remus nodded.
"Madam Pomfrey thinks she did it. She's been in a right state ever since she found me lying right on the forest borders."
James blanched. Madam Pomfrey freaking out. That never boded well.
"But why did I leave?"
James shrugged.
"I don't know what happened, but you and Sirius got into a growling match, then Sirius bolted, you chased after him, and I tried to follow but I guess I need to get better used to deer legs. I lost you guys as soon as you went down the tunnel."
Remus bit his lower lip.
"Have you seen Sirius?"
James shook his head. Remus broke off a bit of chocolate and popped it into his mouth.
James hoped he was okay.
Sirius wasn't in any of their classes that day. He wasn't at any meals, either. He missed Quidditch practice. No one they asked seemed to know where he was, and Snape got this sickening smirk when Peter had to tell Professor Slughorn they had no idea where Sirius was. When Slughorn wasn't looking, James sent a jinx in Snape's direction, causing the Slytherin to yelp and spontaneously dance.
The whole class roared with laughter - except Evans, James and Peter. The latter were too busy wondering where their friend was.
They finally found him in an empty classroom, playing chess with someone James thought Sirius wanted to avoid while at school: Regulus Black.
Only Regulus looked up from the chess match to see who entered the room. The younger's eyes flickered back to his older brother, but Sirius just moved his rook.
"Check."
Regulus moved his bishop in the way of the rook. Sirius moved his queen into position.
"Check," Sirius repeated.
Regulus glanced at James and Peter again, but continued playing the game. Sirius still hadn't looked in their direction.
"Sirius?" Peter piped up.
Sirius's head jerked in their direction, but he didn't look at them. Regulus took the queen with a pawn, but Sirius took the pawn with the rook.
"Check."
Regulus huffed and crossed his arms.
"I'm tired of playing," he said.
Sirius lifted his gaze from the chess set to his brother's face. Regulus pressed his lips together.
"I have homework to do, and your associates are here. I thought you didn't want to be seen in public with me."
James furrowed his eyebrows. He thought Sirius didn't want anything to do with Regulus, period. . . . Was Sirius keeping secrets from him?
Sirius breathed hard through his nose. Regulus lowered his eyes, his bangs falling into his face. It must've been a Black family trait to ignore others in a room. The two brothers sat at the desk for a long time until Regulus moved his last piece, successfully taking Sirius's last bishop.
"Checkmate."
Sirius ran a hand through his hair and gripped it tightly, his breathing speeding up. To the point of silent hyperventilating. Regulus made a motion, as though he was reaching out to comfort him, but his eyes flickered back to James and Peter, and he picked up his bag instead. He said nothing in parting, but from the fact that he left his chess pieces with Sirius it seemed that they planned to meet again later.
James took Regulus's seat and touched Sirius's bicep. Sirius's eyes flitted to James's face.
"What's wrong?" James asked.
Peter pulled up a chair next to James. Sirius let go of his hair and leaned back in his chair, the two front legs lifting off the ground. He rocked back and forth, James losing his grip on his arm. He stared up at the ceiling, like he was in his own little world. Like the last thing he wanted to do was to talk to them.
James felt like an iron hand gripped his heart. Was that really it? Did Sirius really not want to talk to them?
"I can't - " Sirius broke off, turning his head, like he could see something different in the ceiling if he tilted his head by such-and-such a fraction. "I don't - " The chair slammed back onto all fours and Sirius's arms hit the table, unsettling the chess pieces. James took note of the redness around the other boy's eyes. "I wish - someone could tell me if . . . I should be angry."
"Angry at who?" Peter said.
Good old Peter. Always asked questions that, in one way or another, clarified many concerns of the others. Usually it was a prank or - in Remus's case - an analysis of a magical theory. But from the look on Sirius's face, this wasn't that simple.
Sirius opened his mouth, thought better of it, closed it half way, then opened it again like he changed his mind, but closed it again.
"Why should you be angry?" Peter asked instead; sometimes James wondered if the round boy was secretly a genius.
Sirius's eyes darkened, and his frown deepened. He bit his lower lip and shook his head.
"I know he didn't mean it. Maybe I was doing something that made the wolf part of him think . . . . I don't even know if he remembers. He often doesn't remember things from his transformations. Remember when that girl from Hufflepuff reported her cat missing, and they found its mutilated body a few weeks later? He didn't remember that he had done it until he saw the corpse?"
"So this has to do with Remus? And what happened after you two left the Shack?" James said.
Either Sirius didn't want to clarify, or he was talking more to himself than them.
"If he doesn't remember, I don't want him to remember, but I don't know if seeing me will make him remember, and if he does remember he won't want to talk to me, but I don't know if I want to talk to him, and I don't know what to do, all I know is how much it hurts."
Panic jolted James out of his confusion.
"He hurt you?" he exclaimed.
"B-but werewolves don't hurt animals! That's what all the books said! They said they could befriend animals!" Peter squeaked.
"Do you need to see Madam Pomfrey?"
Sirius shook his head.
"James knows some healing spells, right?" Peter said, nails getting dangerously close to his teeth. "James can heal whatever it is, right?"
Sirius shook his head again.
"It's not a wound, Peter."
Peter and James looked at each other.
"But - "
"You said - "
Sirius buried his face into his hands, and James noticed that his shoulders were shaking.
"Can I just be left alone? Please?"
James didn't want to leave Sirius. Friends stuck together no matter what and helped each other out no matter what. And Sirius clearly needed their help. But what else could they do? They didn't know what the problem was, and Sirius wasn't about to tell them.
"Promise you'll be in class tomorrow?" James said.
"And meals. Don't skip out on meals again," Peter added.
Sirius peeked through his fingers at the two of them, then readjusted himself so that he could bury his face into his arms.
"I'll try."
"Sirius - " James started, but Sirius repeated himself.
"I'll try."
Sirius Orion Black was the most stubborn person James knew. There was no arguing against him.
"All right," James sighed. "See you in the dormitory?"
Sirius didn't respond. James and Peter were forced to leave him there.
He never did come up to bed.
Remus started classes again before Sirius did. Sirius drug his feet to an empty desk in the Charms classroom - far away from Remus, James, and Peter. He was closer to Evans that he was to them. Evans furrowed her eyebrows and glanced at the three of them, but Remus avoided her eyes and buried his nose into his Charms book.
"The Fidelus Charm is very difficult, so we'll only talk about the theory today. . . ."
James got out an extra piece of parchment and dipped his quill into his ink well. Sirius? He folded it into a paper bird, charmed it to fly on its own, and threw it in Sirius's direction. Evans glared at him as the bird flew over her head.
The bird landed on Sirius's desk, but the other boy ignored it completely. He just scribbled down notes, occasionally looking up at Flitwick. James flicked his wand, and the bird gently pecked Sirius's hand. Without bothering to see what it said, Sirius shredded the note.
Something broke inside James's chest. Fine. Don't talk to him. He didn't care.
James took notes in class for once, and it went like this for all of their classes that day. And the day after that. Sirius only sat with them during lunch on the third day it went like this. Even then, James noticed that Sirius wasn't actually eating anything.
"Aren't you hungry?" Remus mumbled, his hands trembling with the urge to wolf down his food.
Sirius shook his head.
Peter held out a muffin.
"Vere chokate chip, vor vavorte," Peter said, his mouth full.
Sirius shook his head again.
A shadow fell over the four of them. Looking up, James saw it was Professor McGonagall.
"Mr. Black?"
Sirius looked up at her, but his expression hadn't changed from what it had been for the past few days.
"After your lessons today, I want you to come by my office. We'll discuss your absences."
"Yes, ma'am."
Concern was written all over her face, but all she said was "very well" and she went back to the staff table.
James swallowed the food that was in his mouth, determination gleaming in his eyes.
"That's it."
Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"You're telling us what's wrong, and we won't leave you alone without an answer. Understand?"
Sirius narrowed his eyes.
"Don't want to."
They glared at each other for a while, then Sirius slung his bag over his shoulder and stood up. He started walking towards the Entrance Hall, but James lunged over the table at him. Sirius hit the floor with an "oof" and kicked James in the stomach. James didn't back off, though. Sirius was his friend, and he was getting to the bottom of this if it was the last thing he did. Sirius tried to get up, but James wrenched down on the front of his shirt. James's glasses smashed to pieces, and Sirius would have a real shiner after this. They could hear McGonagall and Evans shouting at them to stop, but it was Remus who pulled Sirius off of James and Peter to helped James back up.
Sirius fought against Remus, but as predicted, Remus won. To get Sirius to hold still, Remus pinned him face down on the table, breathing heavy.
"For God's sake, Sirius, we just want to know what's - !"
The entire hall was silent aside from James's and Sirius's heavy breathing. Remus's eyes widened, and Sirius closed his. They stayed like that, frozen, for a long moment. Then, slowly, Remus let go of Sirius's wrists and stepped away from him. His body shook like it did that time he realized he had mutilated that cat.
McGonagall came up to James's side.
"What on Earth is going on, Potter? Black? Lupin?"
Remus and Sirius didn't look at her or anyone else. Remus just stared at Sirius, and Sirius hadn't opened his eyes yet.
Remus's mouth trembled.
"H-how - ? How could I - ?"
Sirius stood up and opened his eyes.
"How could you do that to me?" Sirius asked, like he was just confirming what Remus was trying to say. Remus stepped farther back from him. Sirius whirled around, his glare cutting through the space between them. "How could you do that to me!" Like he was blaming Remus.
But for what? What happened? What did Remus remember? What did he do? What happened to Sirius?
Remus covered his ears, as though that could block Sirius out. His body shook, and his lips moved silently. James couldn't tell what he was trying to say.
"I trusted you! I trusted you not to hurt me!"
Remus shook his head, his fingers clenching against his head. Sirius fell to his knees, tears running down his beautiful face.
"How could you!?"
"It's not my fault!" Remus yelled back, shutting his eyes tight, his back hunched over. "It's not my fault!"
"I told you to stop and you didn't!"
"YOU KNOW IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"
"IT'S NOT MINE, EITHER!"
"That is enough!" Professor McGonagall interrupted. "Both of you! My office, now!"
James jumped at the sound of Dumbledore's voice.
"Minerva, may I suggest I take one of them to my office? It may not be best to have them in the same room."
"Yes, Albus, quite right. Black, come with me."
Dumbledore gently guided Remus out of the hall, but James had to assist McGonagall in carrying Sirius to her office.
Sirius couldn't stop the tears, and sobs replaced his yells. His body was shaking as much as Remus's had been, and he couldn't find the strength to stand up on his own.
Sirius hadn't given a single explanation to McGonagall - or James. He just asked for a detention for the absences and the disturbance in the Great Hall. Miraculously, McGonagall didn't hand one out.
Instead, she gave James homework.
"Figure out what has happened between Black and Lupin, and please, fix it for them."
James didn't know if he could.
Sirius was excused from class for the rest of the day, and James didn't see hide nor hair of Remus until after dinner.
Remus sat huddled in a corner in a boys' bathroom on the fifth floor. James sat beside him and waited for Remus to look up from his knees.
"I didn't tell Dumbledore everything. . . . But . . . he says I won't have to go to Azkaban . . . as long as no one tells his parents."
It felt like James's stomach had disappeared.
"Azkaban!? What for?"
Remus sniffed, and James stiffened. Now Remus was crying?
"James . . . I didn't know what I was doing. You know I don't know what I'm doing when I'm a werewolf."
"Yeah. You're not you, you're someone else."
"Not someone else. Something else. A monster."
"No, you're not - !"
"James, shut up and listen!"
He immediately closed his mouth; Remus never spoke like that.
"I do become a monster. What I've done to Sirius proves it. I can't even tell you why that monster did that to him. I guess it recognized that Sirius was beautiful, no matter his form. . . ."
A sense of foreboding crawled up James's spine, but he didn't want to admit it. He didn't want to admit that he was starting to figure out what Remus was talking about.
"And what could it do that could be so horrible?"
He didn't want to know.
Remus bowed his head and hugged his knees closer to his chest.
Neither of them wanted to know. Peter didn't want to know. Sirius most certainly didn't want to know.
"That monster didn't see our friend, our companion. It didn't even see the part of him that was still human. All it saw . . . was an attractive mate."
James really didn't want to know. Remus buried his face into his knees.
"Guess werewolves can still hurt animals . . . huh?"
"But . . . he growled at - it. He growled at it. Why didn't it take a hint?"
"D-Dumbledore - not that he knows the whole story - thinks that Sirius, because he's human, did things that humans would recognize as hints that he wasn't interested, but the wolf interpreted differently. H-he thinks the wolf took it as an invitation. . . ."
"How much does Dumbledore know?"
"I - I told him it happened before Madam Pomfrey took me to the Shack. I told him I was having my in-and-out moments, where I know I'm still human but my mind goes from my human state to my wolf state. That's why I get so cranky when it's really close to the full moon. . . . Dumbledore said the staff should've considered that, what with me hitting puberty and all. . . . He takes the blame on himself. He wants to talk to Sirius, but I don't know if he has yet. . . ."
James's ears were ringing, and his stomach had returned in knots.
"Dumbledore knows we know you're - ?"
Remus nodded. They sat in silence for a while, and James couldn't decide on how he should feel. All he felt was numbness. He couldn't imagine what Remus or Sirius were going through.
He could hear Remus crying, but he couldn't bring himself to comfort him.
He couldn't bring himself to get up and leave him, to search for Sirius, either.
He just sat there, uselessly, as Remus sobbed his guilt.
When the Whomping Willow Incident happened, no one blamed Sirius. Except for Sirius. James made sure Snape put all the blame on him instead of Sirius. Said he put Sirius up to it. Snape lapped it up like a starving dog.
Sirius, on the other hand . . . .
Sirius stood by Remus's bed the morning after. Remus squinted up at him, then realized who it was. He gasped.
"Sirius?"
Sirius pulled up a chair and sat down, right next to Remus's bed. So close that they could hold each other's hand if they wanted. He swallowed hard.
"I thought betraying you would make me feel better. . . . But I feel worse. I feel like I'm no better. Because I had control over my actions . . . while no matter how much it hurts me, I know you couldn't have stopped even if you knew what you were doing."
"You have every right to be angry with me."
"I'm sorry."
"No. I deserve it."
"I'm sorry."
James was still at a loss as to what to think or feel. He wished someone would just obliviate them all.
"I'm sorry, too. . . . I'm so, so sorry."
Sirius started crying before Remus did. Remus sat up and pulled Sirius into a hug. Peter patted both of them on the arm, not even thinking of hesitating. James stood opposite of Remus's bed, somehow unable to bring himself to walk over there and offering the two of them comfort.
But James made a promise to make the rest of their lives absolutely wonderful. He'd never let Sirius have another painful moment to live through. He'd protect Remus from himself. He'd look after all of them, even Peter. He'd make sure they never had to cry over each other ever again.
When Evans said that he was no better than Snape, it stung. Deeply. But Sirius was smiling again. And he'd make it up to Remus later. Smuggled chocolate from the kitchens would brighten him up in no time. Peter was enjoying himself as always. That was what was important. Taking care of the best things to ever happen to him. So he let Sirius cheer him up and forgot about Evans for a while.
Though he'd still like to marry her one day.
But Sirius, Remus, and Peter were his priority.
When they returned to their dormitory, he proposed something.
"How would you guys feel about getting nicknames? For our animal forms?"
He expected Remus and Sirius to flinch or glare at him for reminding him of the wolf and the dog, but neither of them acted like they even remembered what happened.
"Sure."
"Why not?"
"Sounds fun!" piped Peter.
"Had any in mind?" Remus asked.
James nodded.
"Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs! Guess whose is whose!"
"Peter's Wormtail," Sirius said. "You're Prongs."
James waited a moment for Remus to say something.
"That sounds right," Remus said.
James frowned, but he guessed that they already figured out who was Moony and who was Padfoot.
"Um," said Peter. "Moony is Remus, right?"
"Right, Peter," said James. He turned to Remus. "It's okay to use the nicknames, right?"
Remus and Sirius shared a look. Sirius smiled.
"Yeah. That way we can think of what happened as not us. . . ."
"But Moony and Padfoot," Remus added.
"Two completely different creatures," Sirius continued. "Great idea, James."
"Yeah," Remus agreed. "Just Moony and Padfoot fighting. . . ."
Things were never going to be the same. But at least they were still friends.