A/N: Okay, clearly I've been bitten by the Ryder-angst bug. This one is a follow up to my two previous stories "Trust Me" and "Ryder's Day From Hell" so it will probably only make sense if you read those. It explores Ryder's continuing struggle with his big dark secret about being molested and the fall out - especially in regard to his friendship with Jake. I ship Jyder and you can tell, but then are no explicitly romantic interactions between them in this story - you can totally read it as friendship.
Oh yeah, this is AU for after "Lights Out."
WARNINGS: References to child sexual abuse and bedwetting. If you don't like it don't read it. Or hell, maybe give it a shot. It's heavy on the angst - like I said.
DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Glee. Also I don't have a beta.
Please, please, read and review.
The Glee sleepover turned out pretty well in the end. Though Ryder was appreciative-if embarrassed-by Jake's offer to cover for him "should the worst happen" it turned out to be unnecessary. He didn't escape his nightmares though, and was woken up twice by the friends who promised to take care of him. The first time, it was Kitty who roused him once he started whimpering and fidgeting in his sleep. She shook him gently and tried to whisper as she called out his name. When he awoke, it took him just a second to remember where he was and why, and when he did he turned to face Kitty who had stretched out next to him on the floor at some point in the night. She smiled at him.
"Are you okay?" She whispered.
He nodded sheepishly. "Thanks," he said around a yawn, and then they both drifted off to sleep again.
The second time was worse. He woke up thrashing and gasping for air, and both Marley and Jake had to hold him down. Even when he was fully awake, the memory of the dream wouldn't leave him and he was quickly finding himself caught up in a full blown panic attack. When his movements and noises started to rouse the others, Marley and Jake helped him up and pulled him outside to get some air and some space. They sat on the front steps, Marley and Jake on each side of Ryder leaning their shoulders against his.
When Marley grabbed Ryder's hand, Jake followed suit and the three them sat like that, not speaking, for a long while. When Ryder finally got his breathing under control, Marley slipped off to go back to bed, giving him one last squeeze on his shoulder as she left. Jake stayed with him, quiet and comforting until at last Ryder squeezed the hand he had forgotten he was holding and Jake asked, gently, "You ready?" Together they headed back inside.
In the morning, the chaos of breakfast distracted Ryder from the drama of the night and he joked around with the other glee clubbers before heading home to get ready for school.
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Since then, however, things had gotten worse. The news was all over school and the guys were teasing him mercilessly as if getting molested automatically made you a wimp for life. Meanwhile the girls treated him like he was sick with some deadly disease and either needed to be taken care of or avoided completely. The Glee kids were the only ones making any effort to treat him normally and so even when they screwed it up he was grateful for their presence.
In fact, he wished he could have them around at home. His parents were not dealing well with his revelation about being molested. His father didn't seem to know what to say and opted to say nothing at all-he barely even stayed in the room when Ryder was present. For her part, his mother was suddenly timid and overly-attentive, trying to somehow "fix things" by showing Ryder how much she loved him. He understood her sense of helplessness, but he was feeling so exposed by everything that had happened lately that he found himself rebuffing her anyways. On the upside, he'd gotten to eat his favorite foods for dinner every night for almost a week.
His parents weren't the only thing making his home life miserable. The nightmares hadn't stopped-in fact, they were getting progressively worse. He'd even woken up screaming a couple times, only to have his mom come running in to make sure he was okay. He had hoped that telling his secret would eventually make him feel better, but instead he felt like he was headed for a serious breakdown.
Almost a week after the dreams had started, Ryder found himself caught up in a full blown night terror. It was so vivid that he felt like he was 11 again, trapped in that shower. In the dream, after she had finished with him, she locked him in the shower so he couldn't escape. She was right outside, talking to his parents who were telling her how grateful they were and what a perfect child he was. They were so close, but they couldn't see him trapped or hear him screaming as the scalding water poured down on him ceaselessly, threatening to drown him.
"Ryder! Ryder! Wake up! Come on, son."
He slowly became aware of the gentle voice and the hands that were shaking him roughly. It was his mother, and as her face swam into view he realized he was still thrashing his arms and yelling. He struggled to regain control of his body as his nightmare faded away and then sat shaking and trying to catch his breath. After a few long moments, his mother reached to pull down the comforter and sheets that were still wrapped around him. He realized suddenly what she was checking for-her old habit-and then he realized with a sickening wave of shame what she would find. Instinctively he grasped tightly onto the comforter trying to hold it up and maintain a shred of his teenage dignity, but she gently pried away his fingers.
"Let me see, honey," she whispered. As she pulled the sheets away, Ryder felt the cold air hit him with a shock. His boxers and the bed all around them were soaked. Taking in the humiliating sight that he had been so desperately trying to avoid, Ryder felt the weight of all the shame and fear and doubt that had been plaguing him crash down on top of him. "Mom," he said helplessly, and then he broke down, burying his face in her stomach as she stood over him, finally giving way to the tears he'd been avoiding.
She ran her fingers through his hair soothingly and rubbed his back with her other hand.
"It's okay, baby," she whispered. "You're okay." But Ryder only whispered back, "No I'm not."
They stayed that way for a long time. At one point, Ryder heard his father come in the room, his mother's arm raised to wave him away. After a pause he said, in an uncharacteristically gentle voice, "I'll go get the fan for the mattress." And then he was gone.
After another few minutes, when Ryder had calmed down a bit, his mother stepped back slightly to look at him, but he couldn't bring himself to make eye contact.
"Let's get this all cleaned up, okay?" She said, pulling away the sheets so that he could get out of bed. She started to lift off his shirt, and Ryder didn't have the strength to protest. His mother seemed to realize his need for privacy, however, and sent him to the bathroom to undress the rest of the way and shower.
A part of Ryder wanted to stay in the shower forever, but memories from his dream were close enough to speed him along. When he came back into his room, his parents had stripped the bed and plugged in a fan to help dry out the mattress. The juxtaposition between the view of his bed and the high school letter jacket hanging on his bedpost was jarring. He felt shame like burning acid in his gut and wondered if he would ever be free of it. He figured it didn't matter if everyone at school thought he was afraid of girls-it wasn't like he'd ever be able to bring one home as long as this was still happening. With a disgusted sigh he grabbed his jacket and backpack and headed downstairs.
His parents were both in the kitchen, his dad reading the paper and drinking coffee and his mom working on breakfast. He felt both of their eyes boring into him as he entered the room but his face was burning and he couldn't bring himself to look at them. His mother stuck and heaping plate of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of him as he sat down-yet another attempt to cook away all the bad stuff. He couldn't even fault her for trying to mother him this time-hadn't he been crying like a baby to her half an hour earlier? Still, the shame was making him nauseous and he could barely stomach any food.
After a quiet and tense few minutes, his mother spoke. "Your father's going to take you to school today, Ryder."
Panic bloomed in his chest. The thought of being trapped alone in a car with his father with everything that was going (and especially after what had just happened) was almost unbearable.
"I can just take the bus," He mumbled.
His mother's voice softened. "You missed it, hun. We're running a little late today." The unspoken reason behind it was more than clear. He just nodded, eyes still stubbornly downcast.
The ride to school was silent. When they got there, Ryder suddenly felt unsure if he had it within to get out of the car and face the day at school. The teasing was already ridiculous. What if somebody could tell about this latest humiliating development? Still, staying stuck in this quiet car with his father was a no good alternative. Silently, he yelled at his legs to move.
After a moment his father spoke, "Ryder, son..." his tone was gentle, placating, just like his mother's had been. As if they were talking to a little kid or someone who couldn't take care of themselves. Why wouldn't they treat him that way, he thought self-loathingly, but he found that he just couldn't take it-not from his father.
"Dad, please don't..." he said, his voice cracking.
"What, son? I don't know what you want me to say."
"Just don't... don't tell me that it's okay. I need to know that this"-he gestured around him as if to suggest that he was referring to his entire miserable present reality-"isn't... all that you expect from me. Like... like I'm defective or something." Ryder still hadn't been able to look at his father, but now he stole a glance. His father's jaw was tight and his eyes glassy. He struggled for words.
Finally he said, "Ok. Ryder, I know that you are stronger than this. I raised my son to be a strong man."
Ryder nodded, the burning in his gut back in full force. With a watery laugh he said "thanks" and hurried out of the car without looking back. His father called out to him, regret evident in the tone of his voice. He appreciated that his father listened to him, but it turned out that the words hurt just as much.
School was dreadful once again. He did what he could to avoid talking to anyone, and sat through his classes without taking notes or paying the slightest bit of attention. He could tell that Jake, Marley, and some of the other Glee kids were watching him, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to them. He just felt so exhausted.
After Glee ended in 3rd period, he went up to Mr. Schu and told him that he had to drop out of regionals*. The thought of an overnight trip in a hotel room with a roommate was about the worst thing he could imagine just then. Mr. Schu didn't even ask why and Ryder vaguely wondered what he thought the reason was. Probably just everything.
At lunch, Ryder tried to snag a table by himself and took out his phone to text Katie for the umpteenth time-she still hadn't spoken to him since he revealed himself to Glee Club. Before he could get too comfortable however, Artie wheeled up to him and they were quickly joined by Tina, Marley and Jake. He tried to ignore them and continued to mess around on his phone, but they kept asking him questions and trying to make conversation. It made him think of his mother's attempts to fix everything with food and a gentle voice. And the way his father had tried to be gentle at first that morning. He could hear everyone's voices at once-all trying to coddle him, fix things, make everything okay. He felt like his head was going to explode. Finally he stood up.
"I don't think I can handle the loser table today." He said, roughly swinging his backpack over his shoulder.
"What the hell, Ryder," he heard one of the guys say. But he was already on his way out the door and he didn't look back. It must have been Jake though, because he came jogging after Ryder out of the cafeteria.
Catching up to him, Jake gave Ryder a moderately rough shove on the shoulder. "Dude, that was totally out of line." He said as they both slowed to a halt in the hallway at Ryder's locker. Ryder didn't respond and he began to dig through his locker, pretending to be distracted. "What's gotten into you, Ryder?"
Ryder shrugged. "Nothing," he mumbled.
"Like hell. Schu told me you dropped out of the regionals trip." When Ryder still didn't respond, Jake went on, his voice softening. "Look man, I know you've got a lot going on right now, but I still don't think you should bail on the one group of people who have your back. Besides, maybe it would be a good distraction."
Ryder knew Jake had a point, but he also knew that there was a limit to what any group of high school kids could accept in a friend and he felt certain he was pushing that limit.
"My parents aren't letting me go, okay?" he said and even though they hadn't said anything of the sort, he realized now that it was probably true. Jake studied him for a moment and then nodded, seeming to accept his excuse.
"That sucks. I'm sorry. Do you want to crash at my house Friday night? We can play xbox all night long cause my mom's working the late shift."
The request came like a sock to the gut for Ryder. It sounded like exactly what he needed, but he knew it couldn't happen. He stopped rifling through his locker, head still turned away from Jake.
"I can't."
"Sure you can. Come on - I already know about the nightmares. It's cool."
"No, Jake." Ryder slammed his locker shut. "I can't spend the night out right now. I can't."
When Jake stayed silent, Ryder finally chanced a glance toward his friend. Jake was looking at him curiously, maybe pityingly, and the sympathetic flush in Jake's cheeks made Ryder think Jake knew what he wasn't saying.
"The worst thing..." Jake said under his breath, referencing their conversation at the glee sleepover. And then Ryder knew for sure that Jake knew and he felt it again-the burning shame in his stomach was back with a vengeance. His cheeks burned and he found he couldn't stay for a second longer.
"I have to go." He mumbled, and then he turned and walked away as fast as he could.
Jake didn't try to track him down again that day. Ryder figured that if there had been any doubt in his mind that he'd reached to limit of acceptable friend embarrassingness-he could now be certain. Jake probably wanted nothing to do with him. He wondered if Jake would tell Glee and the thought horrified him, but he knew Jake was a stand up guy so he tried not to worry.
When he got home, he went straight to his room. His bed had been remade, all evidence of the previous night gone. Timidly, he pulled back the edge of the comforter and reached out a hand to touch the bed. As he suspected, he felt the slick secondary sheet underneath the cotton Star Wars sheets he was used to. It was almost funny to think that a month ago he felt like those stupid Stars Wars sheets were the most embarrassing thing about his sleeping habits.
He stayed in his room for the rest of the night and managed to make it through the night without falling asleep. He couldn't decide if it was a victory or a tragedy, but when his mom seemed to visibly brighten when he came down to breakfast without any issues, Ryder felt more certain than ever that he was beginning to unravel. He just felt so tired. So hopeless.
His first two classes passed agonizingly slowly and he had to pinch himself to keep himself awake. When he got to Glee, he made his way to the back row and tried to avoid everyone else's gaze. He figured that at the very least everyone knew by now that he had dropped out of Regionals and he was not looking forward to the fallout. No one spoke to him, but he could hear the whispers and it wasn't lost on him that nobody sat next to him either. He couldn't blame them when he had been sending such strong "back off" signals.
Just as Mr. Schu started to speak, Ms. Pillsbury showed up at the door. Mr. Schu walked over to her and the two of them whispered for a moment. Ryder watched them with growing dread. Sure enough, after a moment Mr. Schu waved to him.
"Ryder, will you go with Ms. Pillsbury to her office for a minute?" Ryder stood feeling exposed and awkward. He reached for his backpack and glanced over at Jake, who was looking at him with a guilty, uncomfortable expression.
"What did you do?" Ryder asked him, his voicing rising with his anger. "Did you-did you tell her?"
Jake started to shake his head but he said, "I was worried about you, man. We all were."
Ryder offered him a steely glare as he walked toward the door. "Screw you," was all he said.
He followed Ms. Pillsbury to her office, vaguely wondered what she would say. When they got into the small, spotless room - she gestured for him to sit and then sat down herself.
"Ryder, how are you doing with... everything?"
He looked at her, trying to keep his expression neutral.
"Oh you know, fine I guess."
"Jake says you've been having... some trouble sleeping." The way she said it, it was impossible for Ryder to determine how much she knew.
"Jake doesn't know what he's talking about. I'm fine, and he should learn to keep his big mouth shut."
Ms. Pillsbury offered him a sympathetic smile. "Ryder, Jake's your friend. He cares about you."
Ryder swallowed hard, avoiding thinking about how much he had confided in Jake over the last few weeks. "I don't want to talk about Jake anymore." He said with barely controlled anger in his voice.
Ms. Pillsbury sighed and her voice took on a firmer tone.
"Okay. Then let's talk about you."
Ryder looked down at his hands, afraid of where this was going.
"Whatever is or isn't happening, you're clearly not getting enough sleep. You look exhausted. Your teachers say you've been like a ghost in class. You're not talking to your friends and no one has seen you smile for days."
"Ms. Pillsbury," he said with a betraying tremor in his voice. "I haven't had all that much to smile about lately, if you didn't notice."
She nodded understandingly and somehow it infuriated Ryder. "I know that. And I'm not saying you should be happy. I'm just saying that... you're dealing with a lot and it's clearly taking its toll on you. I think that maybe it would help for you to see someone-someone who specializes in the sort of thing you're dealing with right now."
Ryder looked up at her, cheeks flushed. "I'm not crazy. I don't need a freaking shrink."
"Ryder, no one thinks you're crazy. You're just dealing with a lot on your own right now and-"
"I've been dealing with it on my own for years, nothing's changed."
Ms. Pillsbury gave him a long, steady look.
"Except maybe that's the problem. Right? You told your secret and nothing changed. Maybe it even feels like things got worse."
Ryder sighed, feeling some of the fight go out of him.
"It was supposed to make things better, not send me back in time," he said miserably.
"You're still dealing with the old stuff on your own, and now you're dealing with the fall out of everyone else knowing too. That's a lot. I just think talking to someone else may help you."
"I talked to Jake. Fat lot of good that did me." He grumbled.
"I'm thinking it has done you a lot of good, actually," she said gently. "But Jake is just a kid like you. He doesn't always know the right way to respond or how to help you move forward. All he can do is be there."
"Well then it's my parents that need the shrink. They're the ones that are supposed to know what to do. How to make things better."
Ms. Pillsbury nodded again. "Actually, Ryder, I agree with you. I was thinking that maybe you could all see somebody together." She pushed a pamphlet across the desk. "This place specializes in helping children and families when abuse has happened."
"Ms. Pillsbury, thanks and all, but I can't do this. I can't talk about this anymore. Please don't make me. Please don't talk to my parents again. I seriously can't take anymore."
He knew he sounded pathetic, but he hoped in this case it might finally work to his advantage.
After several quiet, thoughtful minutes, the guidance counselor spoke again.
"Ryder, I'm not going to make you see a therapist. Not yet anyway. But promise me you'll give it some thought at least. Okay?"
He sighed and nodded.
"You can go back to glee now," she said with a smile, and he nodded again as he gathered his stuff and left her office-but he had no intention of going back to glee club. He snuck out of the building as he and Jake had done quite a few times together recently. He found himself sitting in the bleachers overlooking the football field, thinking about earlier that year when he had been the new star quarterback instead of the kid who got molested. He groaned. Why had he ever told anyone?
Somewhere in the back of his head, he knew that Jake meant well, but the more he thought about it-about Jake going behind his back to Ms. Pillsbury-the angrier he got. He trusted Jake. He'd told Jake more than he'd ever told anyone before-even Katie, whoever she was-and he'd gone and told his secrets to someone else. Suddenly, Ryder found himself wondering in horror if Jake had told Marley and the prospect made him even angrier. By the time the bell rang for lunch, Ryder was seething.
He took off at a fast clip toward the cafeteria and found Jake-lunch tray in hand-headed for a seat. He intercepted him and knocked his tray out of his hands, shoving him hard in the ribs.
"Ryder!" Marley shrieked, as Jake held up his hands in surrender.
Ryder sneered at him. "What the hell is wrong with you, man? I trusted you! Do you just tell the shit I say to you to everyone?" He looked at Marley. "Did he tell you too? Did he tell you the worst thing to make sure you never ever like me back?"
Marley looked bewildered and hurt. She looked toward Jake. Jake shook his head, eyes wide.
"No, man. I wouldn't-I didn't tell Ms. Pillsbury about that. I just said I was worried about you. I didn't know what else to do."
Ryder was vaguely aware that the cafeteria had gone deadly quiet. Before he knew what he was doing, he was suddenly swinging wildly at Jake. He must have been too frenzied to aim well, because before he could land any hits, Jake had his arms around him, holding him tightly as he struggled.
"Let me go!" He yelled, trying and failing to push against the other boy.
"No." Jake said quietly and calmly in his ear. "I'm not letting you go. I'm not giving up on you."
Something about the way he said these words convinced Ryder that they were deeply and profoundly true, and for the second time in as many days, he broke down. He collapsed against Jake's chest, his tears soaking the other boy's shirt. To Jake's credit, he didn't resist or relinquish his hold on Ryder, despite the awkwardly public situation.
"I don't know what to do anymore, Jake. I don't know what to do." Ryder whispered brokenly as he cried. He felt like he'd fallen into a thousand shattered pieces, and his friend's strong, steady arms were the only thing holding him together.
"Shhhh, Ryder," Jake said softly. "We're gonna figure it out, okay? You and me and all the people that love you. We're gonna figure it out. I promise."
Ryder was only vaguely aware of the very public spectacle he was making, but he heard Marley say, "Jake, we need to get him out of here."
And then Mr. Schu was there, his comforting hand on Ryder's back saying, "Why don't we all go to the choir room?"
And then they were moving, Jake still holding onto him. They made it to the choir room when Ryder collapsed into a chair and covered his face in his hands, still struggling to control his emotions. He cried for awhile, when he could finally talk, he looked up. Mr. Schu was there and so was Jake looking remarkably comfortable given all that had just happened. Ryder was grateful to see that Marley hadn't come with them. He wondered if she knew that it would have only made things more humiliating.
Finally, he told Mr. Schu and Jake everything-well almost everything. He talked about the nightmares getting worse, and the bullying, and the fact that it was on his mind all the time. He talked about how he felt defective and ruined and humiliated and how he didn't know how to escape any of it.
"I'm so tired of feeling helpless." He said finally, in a defeated voice.
"Ryder, the way that you're feeling-it makes sense and," Mr. Schu said calmly. "But you don't have to keep feeling this way. It will take some time, I'm afraid, but I promise you can work through this. Please, please just give counseling a chance."
"I don't want to be crazy." He said miserably.
"You don't have to be crazy to see someone, Ryder. I see a counselor every other week. It's what helps me stay sane in the middle of all the craziness of life."
Ryder looked at his teacher, surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah, really. It really helps. Will you try it?"
Ryder looked down and ran a hand over his face. "Okay," he said finally, in a small voice. He looked at Jake regretfully.
"I'm really sorry."
Jake offered him a smile. "Don't sweat it, bro."
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A week and a half after that moment in the choir room, Ryder found himself knocking on Jake's door. When Jake's mom answered she smiled and offered Ryder a hug before calling Jake down. Jake looked surprised to see him.
"Hey man, what's up?"
"Well I, um, just wanted to give you this." He pulled the xbox game out from where he'd been hiding it behind his back and handed it to Jake. Jake took it, an excited smile growing on his face.
"The new Gods of War game? No way! This is crazy, dude! But, why are you giving this to me?" He said, looking confused.
Ryder looked down as he shuffled his feet and ran a nervous hand through his hair.
"I just wanted to say thank you. You know... for, uh,... not letting me go."
Jake looked a little embarrassed himself but he nodded. "I wouldn't have. You're-you're my best friend."
Ryder nodded. "Yeah, me too."
"So, uh, how is all of that going?" Jake asked hesitantly.
Ryder offered a small smile. "Better. My parents and I met with the counselor once together, and we've seen him separately once too. They seem more comfortable and things haven't been as-um-out of control for me." He glanced at Jake, gauging his reaction. When the other boy just nodded, seeming to take it in, he went on in a slightly bashful voice.
"He, um, got me to start drawing to help, like, process stuff. It's been helping a lot and it turns out that-um-I'm kind of good at it."
"Hey that's cool!" Jake said, sounding genuinely impressed. "Can I see some of your drawings?"
Ryder looked away and ran another hand through his hair. "Well, some of them are, um, kind of personal." He thought for a moment, "But there are a few it would be cool to show you."
"Cool. Well, um" Jake paused looking hesitant. "Do you want to come inside and try out the new game. You could, uh, spend the night... if you wanted to."
Ryder felt himself blush.
"Um, maybe I shouldn't try that just yet." He looked down and gave an embarrassed laugh. "But I was thinking that maybe we could take your Xbox over to my place."
He paused and glanced quickly at Jake, cheeks burning.
"There's a guest room you could crash in. You know... Just in case..."
Now, it was Jake's turn to be embarrassed.
"Hey, I'm down." He shrugged sheepishly. "If I can leave the closet light on."
Ryder laughed. "Fair. Maybe we'll stay up all night anyway."
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