A one-shot I have been mulling around for a while. Schmidt comes off a bit more douchey than I actually see him, but I think he's going to be a little more douchey as the season goes on, before redeeming himself. A sincere thanks to all who have PM'd me, and are reading and reviewing my other stories. I REALLY appreciate it.
It started innocently enough (or not innocently, depending upon your point of view) - a new Cosmo magazine that Jess had bought because of the picture of Cece in an ad for shaving cream. It depicted Cece in a bikini, legs shaved and ready for a day at the beach. Jess wasn't normally a fan of Cosmo - it was a little too focused on the va jay-jay for her liking and she ended up blushing profusely through about 75% of the articles. But she loved her best friend - and it was a great picture. She left the magazine open on the kitchen table so the guys could see - especially Schmidt. She would never admit it out loud but she wanted to punish her roommate a little for breaking her friend's heart when he two-timed her and Elizabeth.
And so it came to be that the roommates were sitting around the table as Jess bustled about the kitchen, fixing a salad to go with the premade lasagna she had bought on her way home. Winston was making comments about how hot Cece looked in her suit, and Nick was studiously trying to avoid making any comments, not sure whether he should admit how attractive Cece was or be "outraged" at the objectification of women. He figured it was a lose-lose situation, as he would either be a pig ogling his girlfriend's best friend or not supportive enough of his girlfriend's best friend, so he reckoned silence was indeed golden. Schmidt was busy trying not to look at the photo of his former "caramel goddess" and making every effort to change the topic of conversation to something less difficult for him. He grabbed the magazine from Winston, and loudly flipped the page, intent on shifting the topic to anything else.
As he turned to the next article, the headline caught his eye: The Best Sex I Ever Had. It was a collection of stories by Cosmo readers, regaling their most amazing sexual experiences, and who or what moves had rocked their world. Seeing a way to shift the focus off his epic meltdown with Cece, as well as possibly throwing another wrench in Jess and Nick's relationship, he started "Well THIS is an interesting topic – the best sex you ever had. I scanned it quickly to see if any of my many satisfied paramours were quoted, but it doesn't appear so. They're probably STILL too tired to write…" Jess groaned from the kitchen, and Nick and Winston chimed "JAR" simultaneously. As he went for his wallet, Schmidt shifted – "What can I say – when you've got it, you've got it. ..You would know something about the best sex of your life, right Jess? I mean, after you slept with Sam that first time, you said it was. If memory serves, you said it was the 'best sex of your life', and he 'brewed' you like a cup of peppermint tea." Nick tried feigning disinterest but when he interjected "chamomile," it was obvious he was paying attention. Schmidt placed the $5 in the douchebag jar, and turned his full attention back to Jess. "So if Sam was the best sex back then, how does our Nicholas rate on the Day scale of good sex? A solid second place? A respectable 6 out of 10? C'mon Jessica, inquiring minds want to know." Jess' face flamed and she shot out "That's none of your business, Schmidt." Nick joined in - "Enough, man." Schmidt persisted "I always said Nick was 'meat and potatoes' but Sam must have been the whole buffet, right Jess?" Winston saw his roommates' distress – "Cut it out, Schmidt. It's time for dinner and I'm starving." Schmidt held his tongue but he could see… the seed had been planted.
Later, as he was brushing his teeth, Nick's mind kept going back to the question of how he was in bed compared to Dr. Sam. He hated that he kept wondering about it – as much as he knew he shouldn't, he really wanted to know. He remembered Jess talking about how amazing the sex was the morning after "Katie" slept with Sam – it had taken all his willpower to sit there and try not to show how much he hated hearing about her with another guy. And, actually hearing her with another guy was no picnic either – he may have teased her about "two bums fighting" but the sounds she had made that night made it crystal clear that she was enjoying herself… a lot! Nick wasn't sure he'd ever heard those kind of sounds from a woman before.
Jess made her way into the bathroom wearing a pair of red and white striped pajamas that made her look like a candy cane. She picked up her toothbrush and Nick gave her a squeeze of toothpaste; she shot him a smile and they settled in silence, occasionally glancing at the other out of the corner of their eyes. Nick finished brushing and as he waited for her he mentally tried to come up with the best way to broach the subject. 'Jess, I think we should talk about what Schmidt brought up. I know it's juvenile, but I can't help wondering if our sex is as good as you've had in the past. I just want everything about our relationship to be as good as it possibly can.' He opened his mouth to speak and "Am I better than Sam in bed?" came flying out. Jess' wide eyes flew to his face and she began to cough; Nick cringed, began to pat her on the back, and handed her a cup of water, trying to make the coughing fit stop. As her breathing came back to normal, she put the cup and toothbrush down, headed to the door and said quietly "I don't want to talk about this."
Nick followed her down the hall to her room, and shut the door behind them. "Look, that didn't come out the way I wanted. I hate that I keep thinking about this but I am. I know it was great with Sam. I guess I'm just wondering how I compare." She got in her side of the bed, and pulled the bed covers up - "Why is it so important, Nick? I don't sit around and compare… that." He could see the redness creeping up her face but pressed on "I don't know why. I guess everyone wants to think that they're good at sex. I mean, you were worried about being good when you were with Paul." She turned sharply to face him, voice rising - "Paul was the first guy I was with since Spencer cheated on me. It's not exactly a ringing endorsement of your skills in the sack when your boyfriend of 6 years goes looking for some strange, Nick." He opened his mouth to reply when she continued "And you're not asking about good – you're asking me who is the best. It's an ego thing."
He sighed and crossed to the bed – "Look, Jess… my bedroom is right across the hall from yours. I heard you with Sam… and Paul… and Russell. I wasn't trying to listen, it just happened. Believe me, I wish I hadn't heard – it made me crazy. But all I'm saying is that you seemed to… enjoy Sam a lot more than those other guys. And I guess I don't know that you…enjoy me as much as Sam." She turned and faced him "Nick, you KNOW I 'enjoy' being with you. I 'enjoyed' myself twice yesterday when we were in the shower." She saw a smirk flash on his face, and then he turn serious again, "I don't have a lot going for me, Jess. I'm broke, I have a crappy job, I'm always in a terrible mood. Sex is probably the only thing I have going for me, and maybe if it's not up to par, you might start looking for someone who has the full package, so to speak." She grabbed his hand - "Sex is not all you have going for you, Nick. You have a great… package." She continued - "But asking me to compare, that's not fair. How would you feel if I asked you to compare me to all the other women you've slept with? Your magic number is a lot higher than mine…" "It's not about the number, Jess. It's about knowing that you might be wishing you were with Sam while you're with me. Wouldn't it bother you if you thought I was thinking about Angie or Caroline while I was with you?" She shifted awkwardly, looking down towards the bedspread - "I don't really want to think about the people you were with before, and I don't want to think about Spencer, or Sam, or Paul, or Russell. I'm with you." He pressed on - "Maybe you don't want to think about another guy, but when it comes down to it, and I'm not doing it for you, thoughts find a way in."
"Look, whatever the answer is, I'll accept it, I just need to know." She continued on, still not answering him "I'm not thinking about Sam, Nick. I'm with you – I'm thinking about you!" He watched her hands, picking nervously at the bed covers; his frustration boiled over. "I just don't understand why you won't come out and say it. It's good with me but Sam was better – end of story." She shot back "That's not what I said. I said I don't want to compare – it's different. Our relationship is special." "Different how? Is that "special" like "special" education? Am I a sexual charity case?" he grumped. She got up out of bed, voice quavering "Our relationship is different. I'm a different person than I was with Spencer, or Paul, or Russell, or Sam. You're different – I can't compare!" Nick stood on the opposite side, hands clenched at his sides - "Why - what makes me so different?" She threw a pillow on the ground by her feet and shouted "It's different with you because I love you more than I loved any of them! I'm in love with you! It's not just sex – it's making love! And it's better because of that! Are you happy now?!"
The silence in the room was deafening as Nick tried to process what she had said. She loved him?! He ran his hands through his hair as he attempted to calm his pounding heart and gather his thoughts; he could see her shifting nervously on the other side of the bed as if she was expecting his panic moonwalk at any minute. "You love me?" he whispered, his voice betraying surprise and wonder. Jess sat heavily on the bed, her hands twisting nervously "Yes, I love you. I wasn't sure we were "there" yet and I didn't want to freak you out. You just kept pressing…" She glanced at him, still looking stunned on his side of the bed. "Sex with Sam was great, Nick. The first time we had sex, it was amazing. It was only the second time in my life I had ever had sex with someone I wasn't in a relationship with, and I didn't realize sex could be like that. Things were crazy – I had lost my job, I didn't really know who I was anymore and I just needed the release. And it was a great release…but that's all it was. And even after Sam and I started dating, I didn't feel the same level of connection with him that I did with you, from the first time we were together. Sex is not just about how many times you 'enjoy' it – at least, it's not for me. It's better because I love you. And because you know me - you care. You look at me and talk to me, and I feel closer to you than I ever have with anyone else. And yes, I 'enjoy' myself a lot, and it's wonderful. Because you care enough to make it wonderful."
Nick let out the breath he'd been holding and said, simply – "I love you too, Jess." He sat on the bed and reached out to stroke her face, gently tilting her chin so she was looking at him. "I've been 'there' for a while now, probably before we were even together. I'd say I'm sorry for pressing, but I can't – especially now. And you're right – it's better when you're in love. Being with you, making love with you, is better." He cupped her face and leaned over the bed, the gentle touch of his lips on hers gradually becoming more passionate. As she wrapped her arms around his neck, he lifted her to straddle his legs and began to unbutton the striped top, kissing each exposed centimeter of creamy flesh. She laughed deeply, and then rocked back, pulling him fully on top of her.
The next morning, Schmidt sat at the island drinking his protein shake and staring longingly at the picture of Cece from the Cosmo magazine. Upon hearing footsteps down the hall, he threw the magazine back on the kitchen table and tried to look nonchalant as Nick and Jess came shuffling into view, his hands on her shoulders. As Jess grabbed the kettle and Nick opened up the cabinet to get a box of Jess' favorite tea out, Schmidt called out "Hey guys, sorry about yesterday. Didn't mean to open a can of worms. There's no shame in being second best, right?" Nick glanced at quickly at Jess, who had pinned Schmidt with a stark stare. "My sex life is really important to you lately, isn't it Schmidt? Probably because you don't have one of your own. You had two wonderful women and you couldn't choose so you lost both of them. It's hard to choose who's the best sometimes, isn't it?" Schmidt's eyes fell sharply, and his ever-present smile dropped. "But in case you're wondering - between Sam and Nick, there was never any contest. Nick is absolutely, positively, without question, the best." She grabbed her full mug of steaming tea and headed back to the bedroom, Nick on her heels. As he passed by the island, he paused and turned, giving Schmidt a couple of hearty whacks on the back – "What can I say, buddy; when you've got it, you've got it."