A/N: Not to be taken too seriously- written for a bit of light relief! That said, I would like to dedicate it to Professor Cassandra, whose writing has caused many a giggle at my computer desk.

Summary: Few people know Lord Voldemort's secrets. Only his most trusted followers are told that he's half-blood, that he's experimented with ways to obtain immortality, and that he's actually bald by choice…

Bad Hair Day

Dumbledore sighed and pressed his fingertips together, scrutinising the man before him. Tom Riddle had changed a lot since he left Hogwarts, then a handsome boy of eighteen. Now his skin had become paler still, past the point of appearing attractive. He seemed thinner, almost unhealthily so, and his eyes occasionally appeared to flash red. His hair, however, remained dark and thick. The changed man spoke in a high, cold voice.

"This is your final word?"

"It is," replied Dumbledore, standing and following Tom to the door. "I'm sorry, but I don't feel that you're the right person to teach at my school."

He paused and pulled something from the younger man's cloak. "Just a few hairs. That's the problem with wearing black, don't you think? They show up so readily!"

As he swept out of the room, Tom noticed neither the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes nor the aging hand that deposited the hairs into a pocket in his robes.

Next week, in the papers...

The Daily Prophet: 'Lord Voldemort' Fights for Muggleborn Rights

"… The man calling himself 'Lord Voldemort' made a surprising appearance at yesterday's conference on rights for Muggleborn wizards and witches. Despite previously adamantly supporting Pureblood superiority, Voldemort argued fiercely in favour of the new rules granting equality for magic-folk of all blood statuses.

Minister Fudge expressed his delight with the situation: "It was completely unexpected, of course, given his previous standpoint on the matter. We were all grateful to have him on our side, though, especially with Dumbledore's unfortunate absence. There's no doubt that if Voldemort hadn't been there, we'd have lost the case!" continues page 6…"

Witch Weekly: Softer Side to the Dark Lord?

"… 'The Dark Lord', Voldemort, has shown a surprising new side to his personality this week, as he attended our annual 'Take Your Toddler To Work Day'. As well as keeping them occupied by reading 'The Very Hungry Flobberworm' and joining in with games such as 'Musical Gargoyles' and 'What's The Time, Mr Werewolf?' he brought in homemade fairy cakes for the children to eat at break time…"

The Quibbler: Voldemort In Need of Gurdyroot Infusion

"… Many have noticed that Voldemort's eyes have a reddish tinge to them, and that he has become paler and thin. He also seems to be suffering from dramatic character changes, as he recently donated 50 galleons to my fund for research into the use of the Dirigible Plum to increase open-mindedness. Perhaps, however, he simply came to his senses. Or has recently come into contact with Dirigible Plums, if my theory is correct.

However, I suggest that my recipe for homemade Gurdyroot Infusion would quickly sort out the other symptoms, and perhaps…"

Voldemort's eyes widened in horror as he read the papers his servant had brought.

"A-are you alright, my Lord?"

Voldemort hesitated. "Nott, why is there a picture of me reading a story to a group of infants on the front page of Witch Weekly?"

"Well, I don't know, my Lord. I didn't realise you cared so much-"

"I do not care; that is not me! I would never allow the brats near me!"

"Ah, um, well, I thought-"

"This is terrible! Someone must be posing as me."

"… On the plus side, you've moved up to number 30 in their 'Most Desirable Bachelors' list. Apparently chicks dig guys who are good with children."

Voldemort glared at his servant, who suddenly became very interested by his Death Eater standard issue black boots. The Dark Lord hastily scanned the articles again, and then his eyes narrowed.

"Dumbledore! He wasn't at the conference, and I saw him only the other week… Agh, he took some hairs off my cloak! The old skrewt used polyjuice potion!"

"What shall we do, sir?" Nott asked, cautiously. His master paused a moment in thought, before a wild look came into his eyes.

"Avery, fetch me your razor! I'm going to make sure that this never happens again…"