Breathing Smoke on Clear Nights
Sanzo relays a lesson he was once taught to an ailing Hakkai.
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura.
000
I needed sleep. Desperately. Even Goku, as obese as he was when it came to actually noticing things, had noticed the deep rings under my eyes. Sanzo hadn't stopped staring at me late at night in that space of time when Gojyo and Goku slept and Sanzo smoked the last cigarette of the day before following their example. But I couldn't sleep. No… because when I slept, I dreamt, and when I dreamt I was forced to relive all of my evil deeds. The villagers; all slaughtered because of the one life they had sacrificed. A thousand demons, torn apart by the left behind lover. Kannon, dying because her brother was too much a fool to be there like he'd promised.
Carnage. I was a monster, more so than the demons we killed. I was Cho Hakkai, but Cho Gonou was still inside of me—apart of me. Nothing could ever be done to redeem the lives he'd stolen so casually. Kannon came to me when I slept and said pretty words to me while her face rotted off underneath my fingers. The villagers came as well. "You murdered us all, you made her die in vain, you know…" they always said to me. And the demons, well, they called me a hypocrite.
How I despised nightmares. I was sick of them. I doubted I could take much more of the dead bickering their drivel into my ears. The living bitched enough and the dead could shove their whiny opinions. Sadly, they refused to give me that luxury.
I yawned loudly and lurched forward, bending out the window and inhaling deeply. My eyes stung and burned to the point they hurt open and just as much, if not more, when they were closed. This was their way of telling me to go to fucking sleep.
"Maybe I should push you out the window, maybe the landing will knock some sense into you." came the gruff baritone of Sanzo's voice. The smoke from his cigarette wafted around me. I inhaled the smell deeply, wondering since when it had smelt so good.
"Only when I get the pleasure of doing the same to you." I smiled thinly at him, turning around and leaning on my hands. Sanzo just snorted and took another drag on his cancer-stick. Walking over to the window, Sanzo positioned himself on the windowsill, pulling on leg up and letting the other hang into the room. I moved away to give him more space, wandering over to one of the beds. I was just about to sit down on one of the two beds in our room. Sanzo scowled at me, and pulled out his pack of marbolos.
"Get your ass back over here." I wasn't expecting that and so I just stared at him for a long moment, before plastering on one of my fake smiles and doing as I was told.
"If this is going to turn into one of those moments where you admit your love for me, then I'm afraid I'm not very good at things like that." My words seemed a bit out of place. My sarcasm often got the better of me and the look that crossed Sanzo's face told me that this had been one of those times where I had laid it on just a tad too thick. He was obviously not going to dignify my statement with a response and he just held out his marbolo pack to me.
"Sanzo, I don't smoke." I said, looking flatly at it. Sanzo scowled at me yet again and he tapped the box. A single cigarette presented itself to me, peering above the others.
"Just take the damn thing, you bastard. It's one of my last ones, so you'd better damn well appreciate this." I looked up at him to find him fixated on me, his eyes daring me to refuse a second time. Sighing, I reached forward and snatched the 'damn thing' from him and placed it between my lips. I was even more surprised when Sanzo scooted over to make room for me on the windowsill. With another heavy sigh I sat down, leaning forward as Sanzo produced a lighter, holding it out to me. I obviously did not have a choice in this matter.
I mumbled a thank you, looking out the window as I puffed at the cigarette. Oh, how I hated these things. Bitter, the smoke clung to the insides of my throat, and yet, the pleasant heat that bloomed in my chest made those things seem acceptable. The silence dragged on and I noticed the moon was full, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The stars were so bright and clear that I almost forgot Sanzo was next to me as I watched them in a trance. Sometimes, if you looked real closely, you can see the stars moving, arching, and edging their way across the sky, ever so slowly.
"You know, tobacco tastes best in clear night air." Sanzo's sudden comment surprised me, jolting me out of my thoughts. I raised my eyebrows and looked at him.
"Isn't that a paradox?" I asked, chewing lightly on the end of the cotton filter. To my amazement, Sanzo actually let out a noise that sounded relatively close to a chuckle. I found myself thinking he should do so more often, even though it seemed out of place.
"Someone I once knew said the exact damn thing," he said, glancing at the moon. I lost interest in the stars; the unnatural glow of the moonlight in Sanzo's honey colored hair much more appealing. A comfortable silence filled the air around us and I felt strangely at ease, more so than I had been in a long time. I actually felt a little sad when my cigarette started to die out. I flicked the butt out the window and Sanzo started talking again.
"…A person's life is like a cigarette. Bearing the burden of taking a life is like inhaling smoke into your lungs. If you keep doing it, your lungs turn black. That's Karma. …and if you keep sucking it in, you'll choke on it." he wasn't looking at me, but I thought I could see a very un-Sanzo look on his face. Peaceful and relaxed. I stared at him a little longer before slapping my hands on my knees and standing up.
"Hakkai, don't choke on the damn smoke. Not even the Cockroach is that dumbassed." I paused in my step, stiffening right there. I should've expected something like that from Sanzo, but, at the same time, I hadn't. I felt myself inhaling deeper than I had ever done before, until I could feel it in the pit of my stomach. Closing my eyes, I let it all back out again.
I felt lighter, like a weight had been taken from my shoulders. I wasn't afraid of the nightmares anymore. I didn't feel guilty about what Gonou had done anymore. Cho Gonou was a part of me, but Cho Hakkai was a completely different person. I could sleep again, finally. Thereby, however, I lost the very last bit of strength that had kept me on my feet through the sleepless nights.
I stumbled forward and collapsed onto my bed. My entire body went heavy with the pleasant feeling of exhaustion. I glanced over at Sanzo. As I thought he'd be, he was looking out the window, seemingly ignoring me.
"Sanzo," I rolled onto my side and propped my head up on a hand, looking at him.
"I'm curious; that about the smoke is clever," I felt a grin tug at my lips; meaning the next words out of my mouth would probably be something cynical. No, cynical was all Cho Hakkai.
"Far too clever for you to have thought out. Who told it to you?" Sanzo tried to ignore the question at first, but soon he was scowling out the window. His eyes darted up towards the moon, and he suddenly turned to me, an odd tug at one corner of his mouth.
"A stupid old tanuki." I felt a chuckle build up in my chest. A tanuki, huh? I remember being once compared to a tanuki, a trickster, a swindler, it really is fitting.
"Really, now? What else did he tell you?" It was like humoring someone who was humoring you, a game that both sides kept playing. Only, this was different, because I just wanted to be humored for a change. Sanzo sneered, looking back out the window.
"That I was a demon from the moon and that I had wrinkles." I couldn't help it.
I laughed.
000
Okay, because I was ashamed of the last one, I edited BSCN and came up with this. I hope you all liked this one better, and I'm actually hoping for some reviews this time (hint, hint).
If you're wondering who the Tanuki is, it's Jikaku. He appears in the Burial arc and SR #3. I won't say anymore or it'll spoil.
LACUNA