A/N: Hey guys. I just thought I'd like to let you know that the following story is in fact a parody, and not a reflection on how I see the world. I have attempted to post this story elsewhere, and I have never claimed that it was a joke before. As a result, I have been assuaulted by the fandom for the words that follow. I do not belive I will ever continue the story, but I'd like to hear people tell me how what worked and what didn't.
The original story has added authors notes where I came up with a whole bunch of lies on where I get my inspiration from. If you're interested in that, or the original reviews, the original story is still on this site, under my profile.
...
Flower Potter was the happiest girl in the whole world.
It was kind of hard not to be, as Flower believed everything in her life to be perfect. She had fantastic friends who loved to praise her, an Aunt and Uncle who let her get away with murder, and a cousin she loved dearly.
Flower had a perfect life that was for sure. And she knew the reason why.
She was perfect.
…
Flower was lying in her secret lair, a closet under the stairs, getting high off speed and ecstasy while studying for her Calculus Six final.
Flower sighed as she turned the page of her book. It was extremely boring to read something you had known since the age of four. However, she had to review to make sure she hadn't forgotten any crucial details. Which, admittedly, was kind of a joke, as Flower never forgot anything.
Flower's mind drifted to money. Dudley and Flower had already gone through their allowances, mostly spent on various drugs and the occasional Snickers bar, and Flower honestly had no idea how to make more.
Flower wondered how hard it would be to graduate high school early and get a job. It would probably be easy for her school work related, but it might be difficult to get through the fact that she wasn't eighteen yet. Flower was reluctant to admit to herself that most children her age were insane and incredibly stupid. Most of them were still virgins, for The Author's sake! Flower sighed again, and threw the textbook against the wall. Sleep would be good. She might even lose a tooth in her sleep and get some money from the Tooth fairy.
…
Flower woke up the next morning feeling somewhat groggy, yet she went outside and did a thousand pushups, just like any other morning. It wasn't until she was in the shower soaking off all the sweat, did she realize what day it was.
Dudley's birthday.
And she spent all of her money on drugs, again!
Flower was furious with herself.
Every year, she always forgot to get Dudley something on his birthday. It was kind of pathetic, actually. Flower always had to run to a store and get quickly. And now she had forgotten: Again!
Flower realized very quickly that her lack of money at the moment was a huge issue. If she couldn't buy anything, then she couldn't get Dudley his present. If he didn't get his present, he may get mad at her. And if he got mad, he might not let her share all of the cocaine and heroin that was lying in his closet.
Flower reached an incontrovertible decision. To get Dudley's present on time, she would have to abuse her… abilities.
…
DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH.
…
Flower ran to the nearest toy store three miles away in six minutes. She dashed inside, looking around for something Dudley would like. Her eyes fell on a Playstation 360. She shook her head and laughed. She moved on to the newest Nintendo system, which pretty much owned the competition due to the fact that it actually plays games and doesn't have a fixed bug in the programming that forces you to buy a new one after a year. She nodded.
At once, the glass slid aside, and Flower grabbed the system, looking around anxiously. She headed for the exit.
She did not pay!
…
Flower tossed the box in with all of Dudley's other presents and sat down at the kitchen table. Her aunt Petunia smiled at her as she heaped a generous pile of bacon on Flower's plate.
"Here you go, dear. Eat up!"
"Thank you." Flower said politely, before devouring the delicious bacon.
Her Uncle Vernon chuckled.
"Thatta girl. Take what you can get away with and be polite about it. Remember that."
Flower rolled her eyes. Vernon said that every morning, for some reason.
"Where's Dudley?" Flower asked.
"Still in bed." Petunia answered. "He needs his rest if he wants to enjoy his big day!"
…
After a very enjoyable breakfast, Flower and Dudley went through all of his presents, much to their excitement. Dudley absolutely loved his new Video game system ("Wait until my friends hear that I have a video game system that actually has fun games to play!") And Flower was very interested in Dudley's life size remote control tank, which fired balls of bubble wrap so hard it could give someone a concussion.
All Flower wanted to do at this point was to go upstairs and get high off of Dudley's stash of Heroin, but unfortunately, Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon had other plans.
"We're going to the zoo!" Aunt Petunia cheerfully reminded Flower as she was trying to sneak upstairs. "Get ready!"
Flower groaned. Like most incredibly mature children, Dudley and Flower absolutely hated doing this kid stuff.
But… Piers was going to be there…
"Cool. I'll get ready." Flower said, smiling at Petunia, before she turned and skipped down the stairs.
A whole day with Piers… Hmm… It could be fun. Where there any good places to do it quickly and quietly in a zoo? Flower could not think of such a place: She would burn that bridge as she passed it, or whatever that saying was.
...
Flower bit her lip and tugged at her collar while unsubtly uncrossing her legs when Piers entered the room. Of course, being Piers, he just smiled at her. What a fuckhead.
Dudley frowned at Piers. Flower reminded herself that Piers was Dudley's friend, not hers, and she should stay out of their way for a while, at least until Piers initiated contact. Then she would have some real fun. Hehehehehehe….
Flower contented herself to sexual daydreams on the ride over to the Zoo, staring out the window imagining Piers using superpowers to clone himself and surround her, and hold her down and rip off her clothes with a knife and try to force himself on her. She would resist of course, but in the end…
Flower was jolted out of her fantasy by the fact that they had arrived.
….
Flower wandered around the Zoo by herself, eating a gigantic cone of expensive ice cream the Dursleys had bought her. Dudley and Pier's had gone off on their own, so Aunt Petunia gave Flower permission to run around on her own.
Flower was disappointed in the lack of boys around, however. It was a school day, after all. So she contented herself with looking for areas where she could be alone with Piers for a half an hour or so. Those bushes were too close to the path. Flower didn't know the chances of an employee walking in on them in an emplyee's only area. And someone was bound to notice someone of the wrong gender in a public bathroom.
Flower was at a loss of what to do as she glanced at the lion's den.
Then she remembered her powers.
She examined the Lion's area more closely. The rock was big enough to hide behind. Flower could use her powers to bend the bars wide enough for a opening, close it, use her powers to prevent the lions from eating her and Piers while they did it, and then rush outside before anybody noticed anything wrong.
The only thing wrong with this plan as far as Flower could see was Piers seeing her powers in action, which Flower was somewhat nervous about. Flower quickly reached the conclusion that she should look for a better spot, but would use this one if it proved necessary.
Flower sprinted back to the Reptile house to see if Piers was back yet. He wasn't, so Flower used her powers to talk to the Snakes.
Flower absolutely adored Snakes, if only because she had the ability to converse with them. Most of them were really very nice if you talked to them for a while.
She was discussing the finer points of Beethoven's fifth symphony with a Python from the Amazon when a tap came to her shoulder. She turned around with a bright smile, expecting Piers lips to meet hers… But instead she received a punch to the face. Flower was slammed against the floor, and she gazed up at her attacker in horror.
It was….. ….. …. Mary Sue!
Mary Sue was Flower's polar opposite. Ugly and fucked up in the head, she went around telling everyone she was beautiful and intelligent and stuff. Flower honestly could not stand her and longed for her to get the fuck out of her life. However, Mary Sue considered Flower a rival of sorts, so she constantly failed to harass and ridicule Flower.
"Hello, you ugly, drug addicted, skank." Mary Sue said, staring down at Flower with ill disguised glee.
"It's not an addiction if you can quit whenever you want. And I'm not a skank. I do it for the pleasure, not the money, fuckface."
Mary Sue grinned. "Oh, I doubt that very much."
Flower sighed. Using her martial arts skills she was born with, she launched herself into the air and kicked Mary Sue in the face. The Sue went staggering backwards. Flower took the opportunity to turn around and remove the glass from the windows using her powers. She called the snake forth, and it obeyed, slithering quickly.
"Kill." Flower said quietly.
The Snake bit Mary Sue three times. By now people were screaming.
"In the cage, or they'll kill you." Again, the Snake obeyed. Flower replaced the glass and stared dispassionately at Mary Sue.
"This is what you get when you mess with your betters, you silly bitch." Flower said coldly. She kicked her. "I'm better then you. I will always be better then you. Telling yourself otherwise was just a form of delusion." Flower kicked her twice more. Mary Sue looked like she was trying to say something, but the words wouldn't come out of her dying mouth. "Have fun in hell, asshole!" Flower smashed Mary Sue's face with her foot, and the last light left Mary Sue's eyes. Satisfied, Flower walked out of the Reptile house, looking for a bathroom to wash her shoes clean of all the blood.
A/N: Yeah... I'm sorry, fans of the original story, 'The Girl Who Loved.' I got an e-mail today saying that my story was deleted for violating the contract, which is bullshit. So I'm re-posting it, one chapter at a time.
Fight the Power!
- Serenade