A/N: sooooo I was typing this in a caravan park, but the battery failed before I could save. Gah. But here it is, all spiffed up for you.

This chapter is dedicated to Kate, because I haven't dedicated something to her yet.

Warnings: swearing and innuendo, great dollops of it.

The movie starts by showing Harry looking through a photo album. One of the photos is of him, Ron and Hermione, though god only knows when they had time to take it. They were too busy sneaking around and breaking rules last year.
Anyway, Harry gets called downstairs.

VERNON: are we all ready for when the Masons arrive?
PETUNIA: yes, I will be waiting to welcome them graciously to our home.
DUDLEY: (in a creepily posh long voice) and I shall be waiting to open the door.
HARRY: *snort*
EVERYONE ELSE: *all turn to collectively glare at harry*
VERNON: and where will you be?? youstupidannoyinggit
HARRY: (sarcastically, though nobody notices) I'll be in my room, making no noise, and pretending I don't exist.
RANDOM FANGIRL: *appears* oh, so they found a replacement actor then?
HARRY: um....what?
FANGIRL: it's just that I read in Gossip Bitch, that they were going to use that boy from My Family.
EVERYONE: ...
FANGIRL: oh never mind then. *disappears*

Harry goes up to his bedroom and opens the door to see a shrivelled thing that looked like Gollum jumping on his bed.

HARRY: OMG WTF?!?!
GOLUM-LIKE-CREATURE: oh, Mr. Potter, sir!
HARRY: who are you?
GLC: I am Dobby, sir!
DOBBY SYMPATHISERS: awwww, look at his big eyes!
HARRY: what do you want?
DOBBY: I came to warn Mr Potter, DO NOT GO BACK TO HOGWARTS!
HARRY: but.....no?
DOBBY: teeeeerible things will happen
HARRY: I must return to Hogwarts.
DOBBY: no! I will not let Mr Potter!
DOBBY HATERS: little bastard....

Dobby runs downstairs, cackling maniacally, and Harry follows him.
Dobby stops when he sees the cake that Petunia had made earlier, which consisted mostly of sugar, and those little red things (whatever they're called).

HARRY: no, don't do it!
DOBBY: Dobby must, sir, for Harry Potters own good! *clicks fingers*

The cake floats forward, and Harry follows it, with his arms outstretched FOR SOME REASON.

CAKE: *falls on Mrs Masons head*
MRS MASON: *does not appear to react at all*
MR MASON: hmm... that's...interesting.
VERNON: *glare*
HARRY: ohshit.
DOBBY: MUA HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Harry is locked in his room, and Vernon the Walrus puts bars outside his window, just in case Harry manages to grow his hair really long, and some prince comes and saves him.

Ron, Fred and George Weasley turn up in the middle of the night in a flying blue car.
Harry isn't surprised by this at all. -_-
They have conveniently brought along a hook, which they attach to the bars on the window.

The clang of the bars breaking off wakes the Dursleys, who jump up in fright. Though, you would think that they would be used to being broken into, what with Hagrid, and now the Weasleys.

RON: quick get in Harry!
HARRY: *gets on Ron's lap because there apparently isn't time for him to get in the back*
VERNON: I hate you, and yet I'm grabbing you to stop you from leaving! GAHHH!
F+G: *drive*

Vernon falls out the window and into the bushes.

FRED (or was it George): How did you know that we would need a rope and hook Ron?
RON: ahhh....I guessed. Yes that's it I.....guessed. I wasn't spying on Harry or anything...
GEORGE (or possibly Fred): but-
RON: SO, Harry, happy birthday!
HARRY: did you get me a present? Did you, did you, did you??????
RON: I....um.
HARRY: what? You DIDNT?
RON: it-it wasn't in the script!
HARRY: STUFF THE SCRIPT! I WANTED A PRESENT!!!!

A/N: and thus ends the first chapter. Sorry if its short, but then next chapter will be long, i promise.
I hope you've enjoyed yourselves, and please come back for more. Now go ahead and press that review button. You know you want too.