A/N: This is my original piece that I wrote for Fandom Against Domestic Violence. Things written in this story are mostly true. The feelings and the memories are all real.
Please enjoy.
I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive
I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I'm older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
So where were you?
When all this I was going through
You never took the time
To ask me just what you could do
(Fade - Staind)
It's been years and here I am still thinking about you; still missing you; and still loving you.
Where were you? You weren't there when I needed you the most. You never seemed to care. And just when I was ready to let you go you always came around. How is that fair to me? It isn't fair that you treated me that way for so many years. And then you just left me with all of my questions still unanswered. You were the one that left. You were the one that was drunk. You were the one who got in that car. You were the one who died.
Now where am I? I'm lost and heart broken. And just as confused as since we were 13 years old. I still feel the same way I did when I fell in love with you. Only now... you're gone, and I feel that a hole was ripped inside of me. I'm so angry with you for leaving me. I'm so angry with you for never being honest with me. I'm so angry with you for not loving me the way you could have.
No matter where our lives had gone since grade school - through high school and through college - a part of me always thought we'd find our way back to one another. And we did, only not the way I hoped it to be.
I only wished for the truth. I only wished that you would stop lying to yourself. It was so obvious and clear yet you felt you had to be a man and push me away. Is that what you wanted? Congrats, it's what you got.
Are you happy that the last time you saw me? Yelling at me, telling me to fuck off, and pushing me away?
Sigh. How can I stay mad at you? You're gone. You left me. You left me...
Everything in my life at one point or another revolved around you. I couldn't escape you. That's why I thought that we'd eventually find our way back to one another.
I ache every day. I still can't escape you. When you died, you took a major piece of my body, soul, and heart with you. Didn't you know you always had a piece of me?
I didn't understand it back then and honestly, I don't think I do today. What is the point of falling so deep to just be wasted and left to nothing.
My dear friends; I'm not sure where I'd be without them. They're always trying to help me out of my dark place. If they only knew how dark it truly is here. Unless you were in my shoes, there is no way you could know what I've been going through. And I would never, never, put someone in that position.
Ugh, I don't want to be mad at you but I am. How could you be so stupid? It wasn't enough that you hurt me physically and emotionally to push me away but you hurt yourself.
I sit in my car listening to that song as I'm flooded with memories of you again. Will it ever end?
This has happened more times then I can recall and every time its the same thing. I get upset. I get angry. And then my soul is ripped into a million pieces. It's a wonder there is anything of me left.
I cry until I can't cry anymore. I've become this empty, hollow shell who just moves in this world lifelessly.
Why couldn't he have learned after he pushed me away? Was it not enough? Did he not realize I was only stopping him because I was afraid of what might happen to him? And now... now, I couldn't stop him any longer.
Did he ever think about me as often as I thought about him? I thought of him every moment of every day of the year plus we didn't speak. I felt slightly guilty for never contacting him. Why though? It was his fault that we stopped speaking. I had to walk away. I walked away because I loved him too much to standby and watch him ruin his life. I couldn't stand by to watch him die.
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
And I've been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
(You Found Me - The Fray)
The day I got that phone call was the same day I chose to stop living. Even though we had gone our separate ways and lost all communication, I never stopped thinking about you or loving you. You may not have physically been in my life, but you were still a part of my life. I died with you the day you died.
I was carrying on my life as a college student. I was living life as best as I could at that point in my life. I had great friends, I was on my way to graduating, and I was even dating someone who made it seem like things were getting serious.
As I was walking back to my apartment from class on that slightly warm February day, I listened to that voicemail from home. The second I realized who it was from I knew. I didn't even hear the words, I just knew deep down in my body, soul, and heart what it was. You were gone forever and you took me with you.
How was I going to continue on with my life? I could live my life knowing that you were out there somewhere doing your own thing and possibly thinking of me. But now... you were gone and I hated you for that.
No one knew what to say to me then. I wasn't myself. I'm still not myself two years later. And still no one knows what to say to me.
No amount of prescription drugs or alcohol can move me from this. And I refuse to move on with my life without you.
I find myself driving to where you lie constantly. I don't even think I'm conscious half of the time. My mind and my body just automatically pull myself to your final resting place.
"HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME?" I shout at your grave. I drop to knees and instantly the tears fill my eyes.
After all of this time, how can I continue to cry? I'm so empty inside. I pound my fists into the ground. I'm covered in dirt and I don't care. I know I'm a mess. I've always been a mess when it comes to him. Ever since I was 13. He was always there to pick me up. Who's going to pick me up now?
Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do
(Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy)
I never wanted to say goodbye. I never even got the chance. You turned your back on me. On us. On what we could've had.
"Did you ever think that to give us a chance?" I sob into the ground. "I'm so mad at you..."
The tears continue to fall and I find myself numb.
The hours, the minutes, the seconds all tick by. I have no idea how long I've been here. I find myself here often. At your grave side. It's the only way I know how to be near you. What's left of you anyway.
I drown myself in things that remind me of you. Everything in my life reminds me of you. Songs, pictures, scents, memories; you're everywhere. Everywhere but here with me.
Why did you have to be so selfish? Why did you have to push me away? Did you think of me right before you died? Were you sorry that you let our friendship fade away?
They all know this is where I come if I'm not home or if no one can find me. Eventually someone always comes to get me. Why don't they just leave me here with you. Clearly this is where I want to be. With you.
Apparently my love for you wasn't strong enough to hold you here.
"Why wasn't I good enough for you?" I sob out loud.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
(Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson)
Eventually someone comes to get me. And every time its the same battle. I refuse to leave your side even though you selfishly left mine. It's always the same fight. Why can't they just leave me be?
"Come on hon, its time to go," My friend says as she tries to drag me away from you.
"No, I'm not leaving without him!" I shout as I claw my way back to your grave.
I hear a frustrated sigh but I don't care. The only thing I ever cared about is gone. The guilt and the sadness is overwhelming.
I don't eat, I don't drink; it's a wonder I wake up every day. It's a wonder to me that I'm still here. It's a wonder to me that people are still pushing me and trying to get me to move on. How can I move on? How can anyone move on from the loss of the love of their life? I can't. I won't.
Without realizing it I'm in the backseat of my car being taken back to my place. I stare lifelessly at the back of the driver's seat. What is the point of going on? Silently I breathe, "Why?"
"Sweetie, none of us know why this happen to N-"
"NO, DON'T SAY HIS NAME! DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK THAT NAME!" I began shuddered as another round of violent sobs rack my body. "I- I- I can't- just- please- I-" I couldn't speak in between my sobs.
"Ssh, it's okay."
"How can you say it's okay? You know NOTHING of what I'm going through! NOTHING!"
Another sigh passed through my friend's lips. "It's been two years..."
"Don't do this, not again."
"Honey, I'm only saying this because I'm worried about you. This isn't healthy. This isn't you. This isn't what... what he would have wanted."
"HA!" I sarcastically spit out. "What would you know what he wants?" I hang my head. I could read him better than anyone. We had more in common underneath than anyone could see or understand.
We both lost parents. We could be there for one another in a way no one else could. We expressed the gratitude and the words that couldn't be spoken by just being there for one another. So much pain was hidden behind his eyes. He was so good at putting up a mask for how much hurt he really was experiencing. But I saw through it all. And now I'm the one hurting and in pain and there is no one here to pick up the pieces.
I was sure no one could. He was the only one.
I feel like we could be really awesome together
So make up your mind cause it's now or never
(It's All Your Fault - Pink)
We could have been awesome together. But your stupid pig-headed mind got in the way. You always seemed to think that something or someone better would come along. Ha, I guess you regret that now don't you?
A traitor tear trickles down my face. It isn't fair. You never gave us a chance. Never!
Sure, during my sophomore year you vowed to give yourself to me. But why? We were in two different states. It never made sense to me. Being 180 miles apart you constantly said you would give yourself to me. But why? I'm sure you could have any piece of ass you wanted. Why me? Were you making sure I would still be there no matter what would happen? Were you giving me that tiny thread of hope I so desperately grasped upon?
Fuck that. You were such a coward. If you wanted me why not say so instead of tip-toeing around the idea? Now its all too late. You're gone forever. And I don't know that I could ever forgive you for that.
I arrive in front of my house. The house you would show up to every now and then for pictures before dances or just to come and hang out. None of it meant anything to me now.
I gloomily make my way inside and thrust myself upon my bed. I can't help but think of some of the memories that took place here.
You and I dancing to "I'm So Excited," floods my mind. More tears begin to fall. During that time spent, it was like no one else had ever existed. Why couldn't you see it? I saw it so clearly. Why couldn't you?
Even though the tears continue to fall, I feel the anger rising in my chest. How could you let yourself get to that point? Every day the same thoughts cloud my mind. Why would you do that? Why did you let yourself go? Why did you leave me?
The sobs escape my chest and I continue to wonder where I'm going to go with my life without you.
As I said, I could accept my life without you as long as I knew you were living and doing your own thing, but now that you were gone and off somewhere that I couldn't understand, I didn't know how to continue on with my life.
My body was here but my mind and soul were out there trying to find you and be with you.
It was the only thing I've ever dreamed of and that would never happen now.
I would never wake up next to you. I would never feel your breath upon my skin. I would never feel that touch that I so utterly longed for. I would never feel your lips pressed against mine. It would now and forever remain a dream. A dream that would never be fulfilled.
I somehow manage to make my way to the bathroom and let the shower run. I stand in front of the mirror staring at someone. I don't recognize myself. I continue to look into the eyes of someone I used to know. A hollow form of someone I once was.
I shed out of my clothes and climb into the shower. The water was scalding hot. It didn't make a difference to me. I stood under the running water and let it cover me. I felt it slowly rumble in my chest and before I could control myself I let it rip into me.
I began to shake violently and dropped to the floor of the shower. The shallow sounds echoing off the walls of the bathroom sounded like an old spirit haunting the house. The sounds were nothing new. And I was being haunted. Haunted by things that were only memories. Haunted by what could have been.
I've lost all control and succumbed to my sorrow.
Where are you?
I need you
Don't leave me here on my own
Speak to me
Be near me
I can't survive unless I know you're with me
(Haunted - Kelly Clarkson)
The only thing that reminds me that I'm still alive is the fact that my skin is on fire from the hot water. I let it burn. Fuck it. What does it matter what I look like from here on out. I'm scarred on the inside I might as well be on the outside.
My father has grown accustomed to the sounds that vibrate inside the house. In the beginning it was difficult for him to deal with me. But soon he understood all too well. He knew what it was like to lose the love of your life. Unfortunately, he realized that I lived in a world of "what ifs" that would forever remain as such. He never knew what to say to me. Distance became all too familiar with us. I was drifting further away from him, from my friends, from everything.
I eventually returned to my room to succumb to a night of restlessness. More often than not I refused to allow myself to sleep. If I slept, I dreamt of him. Of him and of what could never be. On the other hand, I almost welcomed the dreams because it allowed me to see him. It was the only way I could see him. I willingly slit my wrists allowing the pain to wash over me. Call me the eternal masochist.
All of our friends could see the potential between us. Always saying in the future it would be us. S and N. Never parting. What he was missing, I filled in. And vice versa. We were one another's missing links. Each other's puzzle pieces. We were so wrong for one another, we were right. I saw. I understood. And even if he realized that, it was too late. Often he would speak of us in a sexual manor and nothing more. Did he ever wonder or hope for something more? All of my questions are left unanswered.
My heart hurts, yearns, for him. My body calls his name even when I refuse it. Even in distraction with other relationships, my heart always knew it belonged to him whether I wanted to accept it or not.
Images of him; of us; of what could never be flutter behind my eyelids. Images of happiness; of love. I curse him for not giving us a chance. Even if it were for a day; an hour; a moment, I wouldn't have changed it for anything. I would have known at least in that fleeting period that it was him and I. S and N. And no one else.
Would we stand the test of time? Would we meet up in a different land? Were we destined to meet in another era? Could we defy humanity? Was our love too much to handle here, if it were love at all?
These questions race through my mind. I had to believe that you were somewhere waiting for me. It was the only way I could somewhat pick myself up and move day by day. I had to believe that you loved me. I had to believe that you want us as much as I do. I had to believe.
I rummage through a box of memories. Pictures, movie stubs, notes, and letters of our past. I look at the smiles and the inside jokes. I look at the written words and the fun. I remember a time when I was happy; alive.
I read through notes of our past. Of questions of finding dates. Figuring out details of an upcoming dance. The competition that hung in the air of us bowling. It was then I had a revelation. It had always been so present and I remained so ignorant to it. But there it was plain as day.
Written in his own writing, "I wish you could stop liking me and move on."
What was wrong with me? What was wrong of him for making me think that we had potential. I felt so... numb; empty; relieved. Maybe this is what I was looking for to be able to pick myself up and move on.
I knew deep down in my heart of hearts that I would always love him. But I was grasping at air; at hope of something that could never be.
If there's one spark of hope left in my grasp
I'll hold it with both hands
It's worth the risk of burning
To have a second chance
(I Still Believe - Mariah Carey)
The only thing that is not true in this story is the person who it is written about. That person is still alive and still dealing with the consequences of his actions because of drunk driving. He is no longer a part of my life, but for a majority of it, he was a huge part of it.
Please don't drink and drive. You never know what might happen. Your life could change just like that.
Thanks for reading.