Two Loves I have of Comfort and Despair
Prologue
Two loves I have of comfort and despair,
Which like two spirits do suggest me still:
The better angel is a man right fair,
The worser spirit a woman colour'd ill.
To win me soon to hell, my female evil
Tempteth my better angel from my side,
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.
And whether that my angel be turn'd fiend
Suspect I may, but not directly tell;
But being both from me, both to each friend,
I guess one angel in another's hell:
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,
Till my bad angel fire my good one out.
Sonnet 144, William Shakespeare
He was wearing Armani and Armani always made him feel more comfortable, gave him added confidence. It was a charcoal worsted wool 2 button suit. He wore with it a white linen shirt and black tie, giving him a sort Quentin Tarantino cool look. His hair was combed to the side instead of spiky with a little product to keep it in place. Looking in the mirror he gave himself his best Tony DiNozzo smile. Today was the day he was going to finally take a big step with his life: he was going to admit to Ziva his true feelings.
Unlike most days he got to work early, dropped off his overcoat and bag at his desk then headed down to Abby's lab. He knew she was there early because she was running tests for Balboa's MCRT. He entered the lab with a CafPow in hand and saw the happiest Goth on the face of the earth dancing to some Bobby Darin.
"Goodbye Charlie, hate to see you go. Goodbye Charlie, gee I'm feelin' low. But I'm cluein' you in, someone's doin' you in, pal," Darin sang.
He got Abby interested in Darin a couple of weeks ago when he had her over for a night of movies and music starring Bobby Darin. They watched Hell is for Heroes and Come September then listened to some of songs Darin swung on.
In her sexy Catholic schoolgirl outfit and raven hair in pigtails she looked like a naughty dream from his teens come to life. When she did a graceful turn she noticed him.
"Tony!" she yelled and rushed into his arms to give him a big hug.
"Woooh, girl, you don't want to spill your CafPow," he said.
"Oooh," she cried out and grabbed the CafPow and started to suck on the straw.
As she looked at him her face went from delighted to concern.
"What are you doing in so early?" she asked.
"Well, today is an important day, a turning point day. We all have them, you know, those days were you finally just gird the loins and take a chance. You know you lay it on the line and your life suddenly changes forever," he rambled.
"Okay, you're nervous so this must be good. Is this MOAS territory?" she asked.
"Maybe, sort of, I don't know. It could be," he said.
"Spill it, DiNozzo. For you to be this nervous it has to be something important. You and I are BFFs so spill," she said.
Tony took a deep breath then let one of his many smiles be his mask.
"Okay, here it is I'm thinking of telling Ziva how I feel about her," he said.
"Oooh, Tony, really. You are going to tell her that you love her, right? That's it isn't it?" Abby said excitedly.
"Yeah, that's it. I'm going to finally roll the dice," he said then made a dice throwing motion. "Luck be a lady tonight!"
"That's why you are nervous," she said.
"Oh, yeah. Wendy and Jeanne were the last two times I told a woman I loved her," he said. "Not the best track record, huh?"
"Well, I know Ziva love you. She's been through some tough times, but I'm sure she loves you, too. She's due down here this morning to pick up a test I ran on the tire tracks you found at the Cpl. Heath murder scene. Why don't I feel her out for you?" Abby suggested.
"How so?" he said.
"Well, you can be in my office with the lights out and door semi-shut and I'll feel her out about her feelings about you," Abby said. "This way you won't be nervous when you talk to her later. What do you think?"
"Abby, you know me. I love to get inside information," he gave her a big sincere smile.
Abby looked at her watch.
"Quick and get in my office. She told me she'd be here at 7:30," smiled Abby.
Tony waggled his eyes and went into Abby's office. He kept the door ajar and stood behind the door. It didn't take long for Ziva to entered Abby's lab. He couldn't see her but he could imagine her dressed for work in sensible pants and boots and not even realize how sexy and beautiful she was in them. Tony tried to still his breath and listen.
"Morning, Abby," said Ziva.
"Ziva," Abby cooed.
Tony could see the hug in his mind's eye. Even now after all these years Ziva was still uncomfortable with the hugs but she accepted.
"The tire belonged to a Hyundai Sonata," Abby said.
"Are you sure?" Ziva asked.
"Positive," answered Abby.
"This will make Gibbs happy. Lt. Molten has a Sonata," said Ziva then she added. "Have you seen Tony? His stuff is upstairs."
"Nope," said Abby. "Do you want him?"
"I am merely being curious to where he is," she said.
"Oh, so you don't want Tony, Ziva," Abby teased her.
"Abby, Tony is my teammate," she said. "Why would I want him?"
"You mean you don't find him handsome?" Abby asked.
Tony closed his eyes and started regretting his decision to be hidden away listening.
"He is Tony. Anyway no one finds Tony more handsome than Tony," she said. "Sometimes he is like a peacock showing off his feathers too much."
He felt the first pierce of the arrow. This was a mistake. He had made a mistake.
"Oh, come on, Ziva, I always thought you had a secret crush on Tony. Don't tell me that you don't find him attractive?" Abby said.
"He is attractive, Abby, and he is also eleven years older than me," she said. Ziva could feel her stubbornness kicking in. She didn't want to be pushed into the truth that she found Tony very attractive and long ago had developed deep feelings for him, though she had learned to keep those feelings buried.
"Oh, I thought…," Abby paused and thought of Tony in the office and suddenly wanted to cry. "I should get back to work. Balboa's team dumped a lot of evidence on me to test."
"I'll give Gibbs the information," Ziva said.
Tony could hear Ziva's footfall exit the lab. He really didn't want to exit the office but he knew he had to face the music. Hell, he had written the song himself.
Opening Abby's door he exited to see his favorite Goth with tears in her eyes. He walked over and gave her a warm hug.
"Oh, Tony, I…," she started to say something but he didn't want to hear it.
"Don't worry, Abby. Everything works for the best. I did say today was going to change my life," he said then kissed the top of her head.
She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly afraid that she was going to lose him. Abby knew Tony well enough to know that his heart was broken. The last time it was broken this bad was Jeanne and that took him years to get over and before that was Wendy and that changed his life. He went from being a romantic to a womanizer who slept with one woman after another to run away from his pain. She didn't know what he'd do this time.
"I got to get to work," he said then strolled out of the lab lacking the joie de vivre he had entered with.
NCIS
Throughout the day McGee and Ziva attempted to draw Tony into conversation but were unsuccessful. Gibbs kept his mouth shut but he noticed. He knew his SFA all too well not to have noticed his mood. More than the mood he read his behavior and knew that DiNozzo was going to do something. He just hoped it wasn't something he'd regret.
"DiNozzo, dinner my place tonight," Gibbs called over to him from his desk.
"Steak cowboy style?" asked Tony.
"What else would we have – pizza?" Gibbs said.
"I'll be there boss with beer and bourbon," Tony said.
Ziva and McGee exchanged glances.
NCIS
He had a six pack of Heinekens and a bottle of Old FitzGerald's Very Special 12 year old bourbon. Gibbs took the alcohol, handed him a Heineken then disappeared with the rest. He returned with two plates and a glass full of bourbon. Off of his makeshift grill in the fireplace he stuck with a fork two large steaks and two potatoes and put them on the plates then handed Tony his dinner.
"Thanks, boss," said Tony, as he tucked into the steak.
Gibbs sat down and looked at the younger man. He'd known him now for over eleven years. Good times or bad times he knew he could always count on him. Running his right hand through his silver hair, his grey blue eyes finally met Tony's ocean green eyes.
"What is it, DiNozzo?" he asked. "Tell me what's wrong."
Tony washed down a mouthful of steak with his beer then he took a deep breath.
"It's time, boss," he said.
"Time for what?" Gibbs asked.
"Time for me to have my own team," he said.
Gibbs sighed then put his fork down and leaned back in his armchair. He thought it would be something personal like another failed relationship, but this was a moment he had thought would never come.
"I always thought I'd pass the team to you once I retired," he said.
"That's not happening anytime soon, boss, and," Tony paused. "I got that itch again. I need a challenge or I'll find it somewhere else."
Gibbs stared at him for a few moments then took a sip of his bourbon.
"Are you sure what is bothering you is you want to lead a team?" he asked.
Tony smiled. Gibbs knew him better than anyone else. Rule number seven – always be specific when you lie.
"McGee is trained up and a damned good investigator and Ziva has become a good investigator and also has turned into your go to agent on tough assignments. I'm feeling like comic relief lately. I want to be more than that," he said.
"Then be more," Gibbs said.
"I intend to. I want my own team. I want to do it my own way and I want to see if that way works," he said.
Gibbs couldn't argue with that, plus he owned Tony nothing but support if he wanted his own team. Yet, his gut was telling him that there was more here than meet the eye.
"I thought you wanted a life and a job, a chance with someone like Wendy and being a good agent. Now you want to lead a team, what has changed?" he asked him.
"I haven't changed, Gibbs. I don't think I'm capable of filling up the two cups. I guess I realized I'm good at only filling up one cup and if that is true then I want that cup to be worth filling up. I want my own team to lead," Tony said once again.
"Tony," Gibbs started to speak, but Tony cut him off. He didn't want to be convinced out of this.
"Gibbs, I hope you're going to support me on this. I think you owe me that much," he said.
Gibbs shut his mouth and considered his alternatives. He could speak out and refuse to support him or he could support him and let him know that he doesn't want him to go.
"We'll talk to Vance first thing in the morning. I'll be by your side and show you full support," he said.
"Thanks, boss," Tony smiled.
He really did need to leave. Part of it was the humiliation he felt and part of it was the feelings he felt.
"Let's eat our steaks," said Gibbs.
"Yeah, it might our last meal together," Tony said then smile. It was a weak smile because Gibbs was the man he wanted to be in some ways. He was a father figure, but much more than that. But as he learned as a child, all things must pass.
NCIS
Ziva was shocked to see Tony in work before her for the second day in the role. Something must be wrong with him and she wanted to know what it was.
"Morning, Tony," she said.
He looked up and looked at her. She was wearing cargo pants and a blue shirt to go with a black vest and leather jacket. Her hair was pulled back and a ponytail emphasizing her widow's peak and her chocolate brown eyes were staring at him. He smiled. It was going to be tough getting over her.
"Morning, Ziva," he said softly.
Before she could ask a question or make a comment, Gibbs stood up and looked over at Tony.
"Are you ready, DiNozzo?" he asked.
"Yeah, boss," he said.
Tony stood up and adjusted the jacket of his black Armani suit then he walked over to Gibbs, who gave him a soft, almost affectionate, head slap. The two men headed up the mezzanine stairs to Vance's office.
Ziva looked over at McGee, who had been quietly watching the whole thing.
"Do you know what's going on, McGee?" she asked.
"I don't know but whatever it is it's important," he said.
Vance had Tony and Gibbs sit at his conference table. He stared at the two agents who in many ways were such different men yet in some ways were the same. It had taken him a long time to get used to DiNozzo and his ways but he had finally accepted that the man was as good as Gibbs said he was.
"Why are we having this morning get together?" he asked.
"I believe it's time I have my own team, sir," said Tony.
Vance hid the surprise he felt. Gibbs and DiNozzo, they were inseparable. He sent Tony off to be agent afloat for a while and he didn't think either man had truly forgiven him yet.
"And you, Gibbs," said Vance.
"I'm here to support his choice," said Gibbs.
"So you want him to have his own team?" asked Vance.
"No one deserves one more," he said.
Vance sat back and took a deep breath. Gibbs' MCRT was the best and DiNozzo was one of the reasons. He hated to break that up, but the man deserved an opportunity.
"I've got three openings. I've got an opening in Norfolk. One of the MCRTs needs a leader. The second is in Florida. Again you be replacing a retiring team leader. The final one is slightly different, but I believe you are more than capable of handling it and that is OSP has an opportunity. We are going to be opening an OSP office out of DC. You'd go out to LA and train up then lead their primary team once we are up in running. I'd be willing to discuss any of the three with you," said Vance.
"Wow, three. I didn't expect that many," Tony grinned.
"Make up your mind, DiNozzo. You wanted this," said Gibbs.
"OSP, huh? That sounds interesting," Tony said.
"You are going to give Asst. Director Granger a headache," smiled Vance.