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No one knows what it's like.
It's strange to watch them, day after day, as they struggle helplessly to maintain some sort of stability, some sort of normalcy, though their life is anything but.
I guess I never really thought of what John was like as a boy and what his life was like before I was old enough to join the resistance and meet the man he'd one day become; a strong man, a warrior.
Only now, hidden deep in the past trying to change to future, can I see how it is that he became the legend we all follow so blindly into combat, into the afterlife.
Being here in this moment, in this age, everything reminds me of what short time I had before the attacks, before everything changed. It drags up something inside me sometimes, something buried deep, and I fear if I let the emotion claw its way up from the rotten hell of my soul, it will interfere with what must be done.
He's lucky ya know, lucky to have a mother like Sarah. She gives him everything he needs to be the man that he must and I respect her for it. What kind of life she must have had before my brother came here and drowned her in this nightmare, I'm sure she can barely remember.
But even through the death and the constant running, the constant fear, she still smiles and in turn, so do I. It's strange you know, to smile. Smiling isn't something you forget how to do; it just seems to be something you stop doing much of when the world is taken over. And now being here, smiling again, it just feels strange. Is it wrong for me to want to stay here, like this, with them? Is it wrong to want to stay where you know you don't belong?
I guess it doesn't matter because I know my time is ending. The mission must be completed, no matter what the cost. And I know, of all people, I don't deserve to be here with them, but at least I can offer my life for the greatest cause worth dying for.
I only hope John was right sending me back, me and that...that machine. I only hope that we can make a difference before its too late. I hope that when my life is done and I meet the devil himself that my conscience can finally be free.
I want to stay but I know I can't. And they don't know what it's like.