The first time she saw him again wasn't supposed to be like this.
He wasn't supposed to take her breath away when their eyes finally met in the cramped elevator, blue burning into brown in a way that only he had ever managed. He wasn't supposed to accidentally-on-purpose brush against her as he stepped off onto the second floor, his hand grasping her wrist for less than a second before he disappeared toward the closet. He wasn't supposed to make her smile that secret smile that she reserved only for him when he dropped her an email from his new business account, just so she could supposedly update her address book.
He wasn't supposed to tuck a freshly picked daffodil into the handle of her car door, something she only knew he'd done because she'd seen him do it right before he got into his mom's car. He wasn't supposed to make her heart skip a beat when he smiled at her beneath his fringe of newly bleached blonde hair, making her feel like she was seeing an entirely different side of him for the first time. He wasn't supposed to make her forget about the crush she'd developed on her new boss and forget the senseless competition she had started with Angela.
None of it was supposed to be like this, but it was exactly what it was.
Seeing Ryan brought back all the insecurities that she had tried to work past in the three months since he had unceremoniously dumped her for the second time and left to find himself thousands of miles away in the company of some random high school students. Her friends had rallied around her in the wake of the second break-up, reminding her that she deserved better than the convict could offer her. Kelly had gone through all of those post-relationship rituals of removing someone from her life, but she knew that she would never fully let go of Ryan Howard. He had meant more to her than any man had ever meant to her, even if he never wanted to admit it to her. She knew that he had loved her in his own way, and nothing – not even the empty way he would stare at the documentary cameras – would ever take that away.
Kelly had known that Ryan was back in town for awhile before he showed back up at the Dunder Mifflin building in his crumpled khakis and faded button-up shirts. The sparkle was gone from his blue eyes, the dream of a better life long extinguished. She had always expected him to see it as settling by being with her, but she would have never predicted that he would settle when it came to his career. He had returned to Scranton a changed man, jaded from the disaster that New York had proven to be. Still, no matter how bad he had been then, she hadn't realized how bad it was until Toby had come into the annex one Monday morning and quietly confided that he had run into the former temp at the bowling alley that weekend during Sasha's birthday party.
She had only cried in the ladies' room for twenty minutes when she realized that he had never called.
It took her a week to get up the courage to casually stop by the bowling alley, hoping to run into him. She took her sisters with her so that she had a reason to be there, but he hadn't been working that particular Saturday. Kelly had managed to make fast friends with the guy working behind the counter, some balding loser with bad breath who thought she was cute and was all too willing to spill the beans about her ex-boyfriend. It hadn't taken her long to gather that Ryan was in a dark place. A small party of her still wanted to be the one to save him. However, a bigger part of her knew that Ryan had to save himself this time. He had to be the one to realize what he had done.
And yet, she still couldn't stay away from him completely. Just a few days before Michael convinced him to leave the alley and come work at his start-up paper company, Kelly had seen Ryan with his mom at the grocery store. She had been considering the merits of different brands of yogurt in the dairy aisle when she had spotted his new dye job a few rows over. Kelly had only met his mother once, but they had liked each other right away. She had hid behind a display of Charmin and listened to their conversation, noting the quiet but strict way his mother spoke to him. She was clearly displeased with her son's current state, and one look at Kelly had her pitying him. He was even more gaunt than usual, his skin almost translucent. He was a pale imitation of the guy she had fallen in love with, leaving behind an empty shell haunted by the ghosts of past failures, hardships and regrets.
She had cried for forty-five minutes in the parking lot before driving back to her empty apartment.
However, after that last breakdown, Kelly started to feel better. As long as she didn't see Ryan, she could convince herself that everything was okay with him. She refused to worry about him when he didn't seem to care about seeing her. It was pointless to lie to herself, but it was the only way she could get through the day. She knew why he was staying away. Despite what everyone else would think, Kelly knew that Ryan's distance was about embarrassment. He was ashamed at what his life had become. He didn't want her to see him like that. Maybe then she would finally realize that she was too good for him. He had no clue that she had figured that out a year ago but had still stuck by his side. She was the stupid girl who was in love with him.
That was why she had manged to be so cool, calm and collected that first day in the elevator – the first time he was officially aware that she was seeing him again after Thailand. She saw the act that he put on for her, pretending to be nonchalant and completely comfortable with the fact that he had actually made a conscious decision to work for Michael Scott. Kelly tried to come up with an excuse to go visit the closet where Stanley and Phyllis had told her that they had set up shop. She flirted with the idea of going to see Pam but then she had stopped by the annex to pick up some paperwork from Toby.
So, like she so often did, Kelly threw caution to the wind and found her definition of home.
He was leaning against the brick wall behind the building, his eyes closed and his headed tilted toward the sun as he inhaled the cigarette deeply. She wrinkled her nose at the smoky smell as she sauntered toward him, her heels clicking on the asphalt. Ryan seemed to know it was her even before she reached him. She could tell by the way his shoulders immediately relaxed.
"Hey, Kel."
She noticed that he still hadn't opened his eyes. "Ry."
"Didn't take you long to come find me."
"Stop doing this to yourself," she said quietly. Ryan's bright blue eyes finally fell open. He held her gaze for a long moment before he took another drag on his cigarette. She wanted to snatch it from his wiry fingers and flick it to the ground. Didn't he know that was killing him? Didn't he know that this was killing her? "Ryan, what happened to you?"
He hated how small and concerned her voice sounded as she talked to him. He didn't want her to care. That was what this had all been about, at least on some level. When he had come back to town from New York, he had been determined to get his old life back. He had wanted to regain his place on the top. However, the second he had Kelly in his arms again, he started to feel overwhelmed and suffocated. She never talked about weddings or babies this time, but it scared him that he was starting to see those things with her.
"Nothing happened to me, Kel," he rolled his eyes as he dropped his cigarette to the ground and stomped it out with his scruffy shoe. He looked down at the battered loafers, hating how worn the leather was. He had never wanted her to see him like this. "I went to Thailand, had an amazing time and came back home. What else do you want me to say? I'm not sorry that I went, if that's what you're expecting. I'm not going to apologize for breaking up with you."
"Of course not," she shook her head sadly. She didn't expect him to actually show remorse for breaking her heart again. "Look, Ryan, I'm worried about you. Whatever happened in the past doesn't mattered. You need to get some help."
"Kel, I'm fine."
"No, you're not," she retorted, wringing her hands nervously. She hadn't wanted to tell him about the phone call that his mother had made last week when she had found the small bag of white powder in the back pocket of his jeans. However, when she had run across yet another bag two days later, Kelly had been the first person that she called. "Ryan, I know what you've been doing."
"Selling paper? Hanging out with my friends? Stealing bowling shoes?" he rattled off. "What have I been doing, Kel? Certainly not you. Although if that's what you're after, I wouldn't be opposed to a quickie. I still have a few minutes."
She tried not to show her repulsion at his insinuation, knowing that it would only egg him on. "Your mom called me," she said. She saw the way his shoulders fell. "Look, I've never judged you in the past, and I'm not about to start now. I just want to help you."
"I don't need your help, Kelly," he retorted hotly. "I don't need you."
"Yes, you do."
He had hated her concern earlier and now he hated her confidence. "No, I don't."
She reached for his hands and held it tightly. "Please, you don't have to love me. You don't have to even like me. Just please care about yourself to not be this person," she implored. She didn't want to remind him of the intervention his parents had nearly done on him when he had gotten arrested or the meetings she had gone to with him last fall after they'd gotten back together. "You're not him, Ry."
"Kel," he groaned exasperatedly. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I know about the drugs so just stop lying to me," she demanded evenly. "I know that's why you started working for Michael again. You want to get out of this just as much as we want you to, Ryan. I'm just asking you to let me help you. We can go back to those meetings. I'll go with you."
"This isn't last fall. We're not together."
"I'm aware of that," she assured him. "You have made it very clear that you don't love me and that you think that you never did. I know differently, but that's my thing to deal with. Right now, that really doesn't matter. What matters to me is getting you the help that you need. You can't stay living in that hovel. You can come stay with me rent free until you get back on your feet. We can clean out my extra bedroom. Your mom said you could store your other stuff there."
"I can't live with you."
"What other choice do you have?"
He scratched the back of his neck. She wasn't getting it. "Kel, for your sake, I can't live with you. I'm just going to hurt you again. I'm tired of doing that to you. You deserve better."
"I always deserved better, Ryan, but that's not what I wanted," she reminded him. "What I wanted was you, and now, I just want you to get better."
"What about the rest of it?"
"It'll still be there for us to deal with later," she acknowledged. "Look, Ryan, I don't know what's going to happen in the future with us, maybe nothing. However, I do know what is going to happen to you in the future if you don't get help, and that scares me more than anything in the world. The night you left for Bangkok, you told me that the only thing you wanted was for me to be okay. Well, I'm standing here now telling you the same thing. I need you to be okay. I don't want to imagine anything else."
The tears were streaming down her cheeks now. Even at his worst, Ryan had never been able to see Kelly cry for too long, especially when he was the one causing the tears. He went to her immediately, folding her shaky frame in his weak arms. She couldn't see the tiny tears forming in his eyes as she buried her face in his chest. "C'mon, Kel, don't cry," he begged gently. His plea only caused her to sob harder. "I'll go to the meetings. I'll do whatever you want if you'll just stop crying."
She bit her bottom lip and leaned back to meet his eyes. "You promise?"
"Yeah," he avowed. "I promise."
"Thanks for the daffodil."
He started to pretend that he had no idea what she was talking about but quickly decided against it. "You're welcome."
"I missed you, Ryan."
"You were the only thing I missed about Scranton, Kel."
The first time she saw him after he returned from Thailand wasn't supposed to be like that.
He wasn't supposed to hold her sobbing behind a building, the hot afternoon sun blaring down on both of them, his fingers locked so tightly in hers that they were starting to go numb. He wants supposed to find himself crying as openly as she was, laughing self-consciously when she wiped the tears away with the pads of her thumbs. He wasn't supposed to sit with his back against the wall, telling her everything about Thailand that he hadn't told anyone, including just how much he had really missed her. He wasn't supposed to make her smile that brilliant smile that she reserved only for him when he scribbled his new phone number on the palm of her hand, promising that he would always answer when she called from now on.
He wasn't supposed to spend his first night with her again at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in a dingy church basement, shifting uncomfortably in the cold metal chair while he waited his turn to tell his sad story. He wasn't supposed to feel his heart skip a beat when she smiled at him so hopefully while he stood at the podium, making him feel like he was seeing an entirely different side of her for the first time. He wasn't supposed to remember all the things he had loved about her and had tried so hard to forget. He wasn't supposed to do any of this.
The first time he saw her again wasn't supposed to be like this, but Ryan's glad that it is.