The Mattress: The Prologue

All and any clocks that happened to be working aboard Red Dwarf read six minutes to three.

Well, all of them except for the one in the kitchen… and the one in the stern… and that one hidden under the poster of Saturn next to the water pipe – oh, alright, none of the clocks read six minutes to three. (Except for one, but it had stopped years ago so it didn't really count.)

Nevertheless, it was in fact six minutes to three, and something that, while not altogether an uncommon occurrence, looked rather odd happened to be transpiring in the quarters a certain David Lister and another certain Arnold Rimmer were currently sharing.

Despite the fact it was (six minutes to) three in the morning, not everyone was asleep as was expected.

For some odd reason, Rimmer over there was out of bed, and attempting to prod his mattress. This wasn't quite having the designated effect, what with the no-touch thing, but nevertheless, he persisted.

It was annoying the smeg out of Lister.

Prod, prod, prod.

It wasn't so much the fact Rimmer had decided his mattress needed a one-finger massage than the fact he had determined the light needed to be on full blast to achieve this.

Prod, prod, prod.

Despite Lister's attempts at smothering his head with his pillow, the light still managed to penetrate his eyelids.

Prod, prod, prod, sigh.

Three more minutes of this, and Lister finally snapped.

Propping himself up with an arm and using the other to shade his eyes, Lister peered over the side of his bunk down at Rimmer.

"What the smegging smeg are you smegging doing?"

You could just feel the irritation.

Rimmer looked up, with the air of somebody who had been doing something very important before being rudely interrupted.

"My mattress," he said with a sniff, "is lumpy."

Lister stared in complete and total disbelief.

"… hold on. I thought I just heard you say your mattress is—"

"Lumpy, yes." Rimmer gave an exasperated, exaggerated sigh that was probably for dramatic effect than anything else, scowling at his mattress in contempt. "It's lumpier than that one I won from SleepEasy, when I was fourteen."

Lister sat up properly, and continued staring at Rimmer. "This one I've got to hear."

Rimmer gave another sigh implying he was going out of his way to be polite. "Very well." He sat down on his lumpy mattress, shooting it another glare, before continuing. "It was about three months after I divorced my parents…"

T.B.C.
(that's 'to be continued' to you)

A/N: A bit of a story to this; we had to write a narrative for school entitled 'The Winner', and while brainstorming ideas for it I came up with this. I didn't, unfortunately, decide on giving this in (even if it was ultimately better than what I did hand in), but I decided to write it anyway, because I really really liked the idea. Really really. On a side note - my characterisation is bound to be a little off; after all, I've only seen series two of Red Dwarf (and a few others which I've downloaded using Kazaa). I am by no means an expert; that title goes to Viki, one of - if not /the/ - most important people in my life. It's because of her I wrote this, so it's dedicated to her.
I'll shut up now.
Enjoy the story. x3
DISCLAIMER: I do not (sadly) own anybody or anything here, except perhaps SleepEasy and its mattresses. Sigh. Dammit. Don't sue me.