Castiel knew he'd been acting weird, but he had no idea how to stop it. He knew every day that passed with him acting this way caused the Winchesters to look at him more and more oddly. They had questions,and they probably wouldn't wait much longer before they started asking them. He also knew he had no answers to give them.
He started with research. The brothers always started with research, and he had come to trust their judgement. He was already filled with plenty of knowledge, but had yet to acquire the knowledge he needed to understand these new feelings he had gained during his stint as a human. The emotions he hadn't been able to brush off, even after he had his grace restored.
It had taken much more effort than he'd thought it would to discover the correct combination of words to describe what he was feeling. Once he had, it had only made everything worse.
When he'd found the word infatuation, it seemed to fit. He was infatuated. That was why he acted so strangely. It also helped to explain why he could act normally whenever he was away from the Winchesters, but not when in their presence.
It was inconvenient, and unexpected, but not wholly surprising. He knew the Winchesters were considered to be very good looking men, and it stood to reason that he'd noticed such a thing while he was human. He certainly wasn't the first human that had made that observation. All of the ingredients for affection were there: the large amount of respect he held for the brothers, and the significant amounts of time he spent with them. It seemed entirely understandable that his human emotions would choose them to latch onto.
Somewhat pleased with this explanation, and knowing that these feelings tended to be short lived, he breathed a sigh of relief. Yes, he was still suffering the effects of humanity, but he would be fine, eventually. He could ignore these feelings until they went away.
It wasn't long after defining his infatuation that he experienced physical attraction, and with it a physical response he was unprepared for.
The first time it happened he'd been so surprised he nearly dropped the pile of boxes he'd been carrying. His body's response, coupled with the knowledge that he could develop more feelings even with his grace restored, caused him to stumble. He was saved from further embarrassment when a strong hand was placed on his back, and another grabbed the top of the boxes to keep them from falling over.
"Take it easy there, Cas." Sam told him, making sure he was steady before releasing him. He was then graced with a sweet smile.
Castiel felt his face heat at the closeness of the youngest Winchester and the embarrassment of his near mishap. Sam's smile was accompanied by a pair of dimples and a soft warmth in his eyes, and that was not helping Castiel's situation.
"It's fine, Sam. I have it." He sounded breathless, even to his own ears, and the hunter narrowed his eyes.
"Are you feeling alright?"
Castiel nodded and took a step away from the other man, needing the distance. He'd forgotten what had caused his reaction in the first place, and was immediately reminded. His step back only gave him a better view of the youngest Winchester, and his current shirtless state. He felt his face heating again and averted his eyes quickly.
"Yes. I'm fine." He lied, and forced his feet to carry him out the door before he could do anything else foolish.
Therefore, Castiel had to do more research, and was relieved to find that sexual attraction was another symptom of infatuation. He would have to wait out that feeling, too. Although, it tended to be much harder to ignore (no pun intended).
It wasn't until a few weeks had passed that the angel realized he may have misdiagnosed his problem. Instead of fading, his affection for Sam became even more consuming. It seemed that every move the man made was arousing. Everything he said was endearing. When he was upset, Castiel wanted to go to the ends of the Earth to fix it. When he was happy, it inexplicably cheered the angel as well.
Worst of all was when he smiled. The angel couldn't contain his body's reactions to Sam's smile. All of the feelings he'd spent his days pushing down came bubbling up, and he found himself enveloped in an ever increasing mix of emotions he'd yet to find definitions for.
More research was in order, and the results he found unsettled him greatly. Apparently, this combination of happiness and misery had a name. A name he'd heard many times before, but had never experienced for himself. An emotion that may have been able to fade, given time and distance, but would never really go away.
Love.
Castiel had fallen. He had rebelled against heaven, and their plans, too many times. He'd lost his grace, and been human. Then, he had proceeded to do the worst thing imaginable. He had fallen in love. He really had fallen in every possible way.
He looked for another way out. He spent quite a few nights searching frantically through books and the internet, for any information on the subject he could find, but they all said the same. Love could fade, but it would never be gone. Not that it mattered, because Castiel didn't have the time and wouldn't be able to keep the distance it would take to dissipate.
He was among the Winchesters almost continuously. They had been fighting alongside each other for so long now, and he couldn't imagine leaving. Everything he read said it could take years, and he didn't have years to spend away from them.
Then he came across another kind article, and then a few more like it. These were all about how to make someone love you back.
Intellectually, Castiel knew that angels were not meant to be with humans. He knew it was a terrible idea to try make anything come out of his weakness, but he also knew that he wanted it. He could only imagine what it would be like to have his feelings returned, but assumed it would be wonderful. Ignoring his feelings hadn't worked, and although he knew it was possibly the worst course of action he could take, he decided to try this new direction.
Most of the articles that he had read online seemed like utter nonsense. He had been observing humanity for a very long time, and of all the things he'd read, very few of the suggestions seemed legitimate. There were a few, though, and he would implement his plan as soon as he figured out exactly how to approach the man he was apparently in love with.
Focus on the ways you are alike:
This idea seemed to have merit. In his observation of humanity common interests seemed to be the way that most humans were drawn to each other. They seemed to form little groups depending on what attracted their mutual attentions. The shared level of fascination with a subject could mean anything from seeing each other once a week to play a game, or even developing a much deeper relationship based on multiple commonalities.
It was clear to the angel that if he wanted Sam to realize how many interests they shared, he would have to find some that he didn't also share with Dean. All three of them could say they shared an interest in humanity. They all wanted to protect humans from the evil things that roamed the earth. So, he decided to try to find something that only he and Sam shared.
His first thought was that they both seemed to enjoy researching. They were usually the ones that used their memories in combination with any information they could find to come up with a plan, while Dean tried to find a reason to not be involved. He'd thought it a good place to start and intended to use it as his first step.
The very next time they had a chance to research together, though, Sam had slammed a book shut and grumbled about how he hated researching. He then left the library so abruptly that Castiel doubted he would return. The angel resigned himself to doing the rest of the research alone.
Sam returned less than an hour later. He apologized profusely, pulling up a chair and popping open the book he had abandoned. "I just get frustrated when Dean abandons me with all the research sometimes. That doesn't mean I can do the same thing to you." He'd said. Castiel had just been grateful that he hadn't been left to do all the work. Sam thanked him for his continued help, and then spent the rest of the time working out a plan to make Dean do all the research on the next case.
Castiel wasn't positive, but the way Sam was talking made him think the hunter was less interested in research and maybe only felt obligated to do it. In that case, it wouldn't be a useful tool in the angel's efforts to find common interests. He would have to find another similarity between them to build on.
The next opportunity he had to be alone with the younger hunter, Castiel decided to try to find some other things they had in common. Dean had abandoned them in a shitty motel, intending to find a bar and drink until he could no longer remember the more disturbing aspects of their most recent case. Sam had never been the type to drink away the pain, so the angel decided to find out how he intended to deal with it.
"Here, I'll show you." Sam's smile had a hint of sadness that Castiel knew would be there for a while. It had been a tough case with a lot of casualties. The angel joined the hunter at the table, pulling his chair closer when the other man indicated that he would need to be able to see the screen of his laptop.
"It really depends on my mood, but watching funny movies usually helps. Sometimes I watch movies that are just supposed to make you feel good. Either way, it's usually completely mindless entertainment. If you really focus on the story, you can spend an hour and a half thinking and seeing funny things. It just takes your mind off of everything else for a while." Sam explained as he set his laptop between them on the table.
"I've never watched a movie before." Castiel admitted, although the admission was exactly the opposite direction that he'd originally intended the conversation to go in.
"Really? Yeah, I guess we haven't ever really gotten around to showing you the lazy side of being human." Sam sounded contemplative, and he shot the angel an apologetic grin.
"You'll like this though. It's called slapstick humor. You don't really have to understand a lot of references or anything. It's mostly just based on people doing dumb and embarrassing things."
The movie was indeed humorous. Castiel found it fairly easy to keep up with the nearly useless storyline, and was even amused into full laughter a few times. He felt bad for the people at first, but Sam made it clear that the whole purpose was to put characters into the oddest of situations for the enjoyment of the watchers. They weren't real people, they were characters, so there was no shame in laughing at their antics.
The greatest joy, though, had been hearing Sam's laughter. It wasn't something he'd had many chances to hear, and he savored the opportunity. At the end of the movie Sam asked him if he liked it, and he answered in the affirmative, but he also worried that he was being dishonest. Did he enjoy the movie, or had his mood been improved by the hunter? He didn't know the answer for sure, and decided to research by watching another movie while the hunter was sleeping. He'd read that honesty was important in a relationship.
Sam set him up with a similar movie, before dropping into one of the beds to get some sleep. Luckily, Castiel had enjoyed that movie as well, and wouldn't have to take back his answer.
It was nearly another week before he was left alone with Sam again. They were thankfully in the bunker, so Castiel had his own space to retreat to when his affections overwhelmed him. He'd been hiding in his room more and more often as his emotions took a stronger hold on him. Each day he woke up a little more in love with Sam Winchester, and each time he thought about doing something about it he became increasingly more nervous.
By the time he'd gathered the courage to try to point out similarities between them he'd just said the first thing that had come to his mind.
"The only person that has screwed things up more consistently than you, is me."**
He and Sam had so many things in common, and that was the one he chose to use. He was older than the calendars human's used to tell time, and he couldn't even control the words that came out of his mouth. Of all the things he wanted to say and all the ways they were alike that he'd thought of to help him form a bond with the youngest Winchester, somehow the one that was actually voiced was the worst of all his options.
He'd excused himself fairly quickly after that. He knew the admission had stunned the hunter, and he knew his abrupt departure hadn't helped. He could think of no way to fix what he'd said and he practically ran from the room to escape his own ridiculous words.
Castiel no longer searched for commonalities between them. Clearly he'd have to find a way to get to the younger Winchester that didn't require talking. He was obviously terrible at it.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach:
Castiel was sure that this one was true. Dean continuously told people he loved them when they brought him food. Although, it would likely be much harder to get Sam to do the same. He was much more picky about his food choices, and while Dean favored the comforting foods that could easily remind you of home, Sam was more concerned with his health. It would be very difficult to find something to bring him into his target's heart through his stomach.
The angel started again with research. He tried to find comfort foods that were healthy, but he could only find recipies. He was under no illusion that he would be any good at cooking, especially as he had no sense of taste. According to his reading, constantly tasting the food as you made it was essential to a good meal. He would have to think of something else.
His next step was to go to Dean for advice. He knew this step would be tricky, since the hunter had a way of making bad situations worse. He had no desire for Dean to know of his true intentions, though.
"Dean, when you were children, was there anything that you liked to eat?" His research said that many men liked to have things made for them that reminded them of their childhood.
"Uh… yeah, buddy. I liked to eat a lot of things." Dean already sounded suspicious which did not bode well for the rest of the conversation. Castiel pressed on anyway.
"Was there anything in particular that you and your brother enjoyed?" Even the angel was aware that these questions would seem odd, especially as he'd just popped into the library and interrupted whatever Dean was looking at.
"Dude, I don't know. Macaroni and cheese? What's with the food questions?" The hunter was beginning to look unsettled by the conversation, but his research specifically said 'and I don't mean macaroni and cheese' so the angel pressed on.
"Did your father ever make you something that you enjoyed on occasion?" The page he looked at had said mother, but he was well aware that hadn't been possible.
The hunter's eyebrows dipped and he looked a little angry now.
"My father didn't cook. He didn't have time for that stuff. I made what I could for me and Sammy. We didn't really eat like normal kids." Dean glared at him for a moment, but visibly tried to calm himself. "What's this all about, Cas?"
The angel felt guilty, finally realizing he was drudging up old memories that Dean didn't seem too pleased at having to think about. It hurt his heart when he thought about the hunter as a child trying to cook for his little brother, even though he was likely so young he should not have been allowed near the stove. The combination of what he knew to be guilt, and the new emotion that seemed to be causing him physical pain, also seemed to be pressing him to do something else. Something he had never really understood before.
Following his instincts, Castiel leaned down to wrap his arms around the hunter's neck. It was difficult with the positions they were in, and not very comfortable, but he had given into the urge to hug Dean.
"What is happening?" the hunter didn't seem to know what to do and he just froze in place while the angel tried to embrace him.
"I'm sorry." The angel took a step back to give the man some space, and the hunter visibly relaxed. "I was not thinking. I was reading about comfort foods, and it said they mostly came from your childhood. I didn't mean to upset you." That wasn't precisely the truth, but it was close enough.
Dean sighed. "It's alright, buddy. We don't really have anything like that. We ate a lot of fast food and really easy meals when we were kids."
"I understand." Another lead straight down the drain.