Nikki
Give me a heart attack – why don't you! David bloody Canon! I didn't even know he had come in.
"Anti-rust paint?" Jack's frowning – he missed something and he's annoyed with himself.
The alarm bells have been ringing ever since we left Mexico – ever since he began ignoring my calls and refusing to see me. Sure, I stopped off in New York for a few days, but two months is a long time – and it seemed even longer without any contact from Jack. He's always been there – even when I've told him to 'go away'.
The alarm bells got even louder when I came back to work. I admit I'm a little 'jumpy' and even less trusting of the 'big bad world' than usual - and I've seen him giving me concerned glances every now and then – when he thinks I'm not looking. So, yes – he was somewhat thrown to see me and yes – he doesn't believe that I should be back yet, but there's something else. He's unusually shy and awkward around me and he's never been like that – not even when we first met. He can't even look at me properly. It has something to do with Mexico – but I don't understand what. Now he's missed something – crucial evidence and the alarm bells have reached my pain threshold. I wish he'd talk to me. I need to know what's wrong with him.
Is he angry with me – Is it something I did?
Jack
Of course, I'm happy to have her back – it was just unexpected. A shock. And she's not 'ok' – she's really not.
David bloody Canon! She jumped fifty feet in the air when he suddenly appeared behind her and spoke! He's a creep and I don't understand why Thomas asked him to work with us. I want to smack him for frightening her.
I want to smack something every time she looks scared.
I'm not stupid. There's something else going on here – something that Thomas is clearly 'in' on – but I'm not. I'm fairly certain there was more to Nikki coming back early than she admitted to – at least to me. She claims that she needs to be busy because her friend has gone missing. Normally, Nikki would have told me about whatever is going on – whether she's meant to or not, but things aren't normal and they haven't been since Mexico.
I know I should ask – but I don't. She hasn't told me - a clear sign of our fractured relationship and I am completely to blame for that. I'm a crap friend, a crap colleague and a crap bodyguard. She has no reason to confide in me any more. She got herself out in Mexico – if she hadn't, she would have died.
If it had been left to me, she would have died.
Thomas sent me out there with a single instruction.
'Bring Nikki home safely.'
It was the only thing I wanted. The only reason I went – even before Thomas said that and I wouldn't have gone out there for anyone else, but I failed. I let her down and nearly bloody killed her instead –I nearly killed the woman I love and I no longer trust myself with her life.
The trouble is – right now, I don't trust anyone else with it either. Not even Thomas and Clarissa.
My encounters with a punch bag in the gym have doubled and I get flashbacks of the phone calls. Running through the scrapyard yelling her name. My horror when all those people started coming out of the hole in the ground and not one of them was Nikki. My helplessness at the whole bloody situation.
My failure.
I can tell Nikki's having flashbacks too – though they won't be the ones I'm having – and she looks exhausted, though as always, she's trying to hide it. No doubt she's kept awake at night by nightmares. I want to help her – to hug her – to tell her that it's ok and I'm here, but I lost the right to do that when I put her in that situation in the first place.
I saw the way she was at the reservoir earlier – staring vacantly at times. Frightened. Jumpy. Vulnerable. I did that to her. If I had brought her straight home like I was meant to – or maybe if I had tried harder to find her when she went missing, she wouldn't be so frightened of everything. I need to make sure she's ok. I need to make things better for her. I need my Nikki back.
But I don't know how.
Nikki
Back to the reservoir we go – to see if Jack's missed something.
He insists on driving himself - separately, so I drive David there. It's like Jack can't bear to spend time with me – or talk to me, other than when it's absolutely necessary – and most of the time it's a general conversation involving other people. He rarely directs any speech at me – skirting around me like I'm poisonous – and he doesn't even want to look at me.
We're supposed to be best friends and I know he loves me – at least he used to - even if we've never put it into words. It's really hurtful shutting me out like this – except, I don't think that's why he's doing it. I can't put my finger on the reason, but I don't believe that Jack would ever deliberately hurt me. In any way.
"Some missing paint chips consistent with Livtar's head torch striking the gate. Also traces of glass or plastic on the ground." Jack states in his usual matter-of-fact voice when we get to the location – though there's definitely a bitter undertone of anger, directed at himself – I think.
He's angry that he missed evidence, but I think it extends beyond that. He's been angry and distracted all day – ever since he saw me, actually – and there must have been something to make him miss the evidence in the first place.
I think that 'something' is me. What I don't understand is why. I thought he'd be happy to see me.
"From the head torch?" David asks – referring to the broken material on the ground.
"I'll be pissed off if they're not!" Jack retorts – his short fuse clearly still diminishing.
"Yeah" David agrees. "I've got to say you've seemed rather pissed off most of the day."
There's an awkward silence. Pulling Jack up on that was not a good idea. I watch him nervously. I can see that he's fighting against the normal 'rude' response that wants to come out of his mouth.
"I should have seen it the first time." He eventually says. It's not as snappy as I expected and although it's definitely forced, at least it's not rude.
"You've seen it now. That's the important thing." Could this man be any more patronizing? I want to slap him on Jack's behalf. Despite this, I see it as an opening to the conversation that Jack has been avoiding, So when David disappears off looking for other evidence, I broach the subject of why.
Back at the Lyell...
"Maybe he's just been busy Clarissa."
"Ever since he got back from Mexico?" She retorted. "That was months ago – and he's been 'too busy' to see his best friend – or to take her calls? - 'Too busy' to check she's ok?! - And it hasn't really changed since she came back in this morning."
Thomas sighed and rubbed his face. "I know – I know! 'Busy' sounds harsh, but I'm just trying find a very good reason why he'd just abandon her like that – I mean he wouldn't even talk about her while she was on leave!"
"Anyway..." Clarissa continued. "'Too busy' doesn't explain the photo."
"Photo? - what photo?"
"Max and I were over at Jack's last week. There used to be a photo of him and Nikki on the table – pride of place! He loved that photo! But it wasn't there."
"Maybe he broke it Clarissa. Accidents happen – he could have knocked it over when he was cleaning or something."
"Jack – cleaning?! Have you seen his desk over there? I could draw in the dust! Stop trying to make excuses for him, Thomas – he didn't break the photo." She answered. "I looked in the drawer when he went to the toilet. - it was in there. Unbroken – face down, hidden in the drawer – as though he can't bear to look at it."
Thomas sighed again. "Where is he anyway? I need him to do something for me."
"He went back to the scene – in case he missed something."
"And did he?...Clarissa...?"
Clarissa cleared her throat. "I...think he was a bit thrown by Nikki coming back. Even so, it doesn't explain the other stuff."
Meanwhile, down at the scene...
Nikki
I follow Jack down the steps. "He's right."
"Huh?" Jack answers vaguely.
"It's no big deal you missed the gate." I continue encouragingly. "Out of character, though." I add pointedly.
"I was distracted."
Yes, Jack – my point exactly! "That's what I mean – out of character."
"What do you want, Nikki?"
What do I want? Seriously Jack? - I mean what kind of question is that? I want to know why. Why you've been avoiding me. Why you won't answer my calls. Why you're not happy to see me – that I'm still alive. I want to know why you're so angry – if you're angry at me and I want to know why you're distracted. But I don't say that.
Jack
She's fishing – fishing for answers and I wish she's stop. They're answers I can't give her – or shouldn't anyway. I don't deserve her understanding, no matter how much I want it – how much I want things to go back to how they were before Mexico. But I can't go back because I let her down and that was unforgivable.
"I want to know why you missed the gate."
"I told you." I answer.
She's not fooled by my feeble excuse.
"The real reason."
Surely she knows. Please let her know – I don't want to say it out loud, but apparently she doesn't know.
I spin around in a sudden burst of rage – though it's not directed at her and I manage to tone it down when I see her surprised expression. I don't want her to think I'm angry with her.
"I missed it because I was thinking 'Why is Nikki back when she's so clearly not ready?"
Oh well done Jack! Blame it on her!
Nikki
I'm angry now. How dare he? How bloody dare he! He's ignored me for two months and now he thinks he has the right to run my life and dictate when I come back to work. Screw you, you asshole!
"How would you know?" I rage at him. "You haven't seen me in months."
He drops his head and despite my angry response, I instantly want to give him a hug.
"Sorry." He mutters.
My anger might have quickly faded, but sorry isn't enough. I want an explanation.
Jack
That took the wind out of me. It was a sudden burst of anger – much like mine a few moments ago. Except with her there is less of an 'undercurrent' of anger in the background. There is a little – she's cross with herself every time something or someone makes her jump.
She's right to be angry. She can't understand why I've been avoiding her – I can see it in her eyes. I also forgot how pretty she looks when she's angry and I can't bear to look at her for long, so I find myself staring at my feet when I apologise. Looking at her for to long reminds me how much I love her and how I've let her down. It's too painful – and I'm a coward.
I can't help noticing how quickly her anger fades at my reaction and I'm filled with longing for the friendship we've lost.
"I don't want an apology. I just want to understand why." Nikki practically begs of me. "Why haven't you seen me?"
Please don't make me say it out loud. I don't want you to understand – I want you to shun me like I deserve. You really needn't listen to my excuses.
"Why do you think?"
I really don't want to utter the words – it's as if saying them is letting her down all over again.
"I don't know – it's a genuine question..."
But Nikki deserves answers.
"I was supposed..."
I try to swallow the lump in my throat as she gazes at me in concern – desperate to understand which words I'm trying to find, without me having to say them. Even now, she's trying to protect me – even now.
"I went out there to find you. - To bring you home. I failed."
Nikki
Suddenly it all makes sense. It's guilt. Of course, it's guilt – it's always guilt with Jack. He always takes the blame for everything. He mentally beats himself up – emotionally blackmails himself, shutting everybody out until he falls to pieces inside. I wish I could stop him doing that. It's generally not his fault at all.
"Jack...that's nuts!" I exclaim, frantically searching for the right words to reassure him. My voice breaks and the tears roll down my cheeks. "You're here. I'm here. We made it. You saved the lives of-"
I want him to know that I'm still here – I'm still with him and I'm desperate for him to accept my my efforts to console him. I had hoped saving all those people would give him some sort of comfort especially if the worst had happen and I had died out there, but he cuts me off and hangs his head in shame.
"Please stop."
Jack
I don't care about the other people – not even Louisa. I never did and when Nikki went missing, she was the only one I wanted to save – and the only one I didn't save. If I had saved Nikki, maybe I'd be happy I saved the others too, but I didn't save her and she was more important than any of them. No one else matters.
Nikki
I can't let him blame himself like this. He just can't seem to see past the fact that he didn't find me. His distress and self-loathing breaks my heart and I just want to hug him, but I fear he won't let me. He'll gently push me away, because as far as he's concerned – he doesn't deserve me. I cautiously step down towards him.
"Jack, you've got nothing to to prove."
He looks back up at me as I speak. His gaze is locked on mine as I take another tentative step down towards him, almost joining him on his step.
"Nothing." I repeat firmly, my eyes tracing his handsome features and those gorgeous eyes that I can't get enough of. I've always known he was good-looking, but I can't help studying his face longingly as he gazes back at me in the same fashion.
We might be best friends – aside from the Mexico stuff, but we're still both adults with feelings and we love each other fiercely. Our relationship is something that neither of us – or anyone else fully understand and at times like this, we find it difficult to resist the warmth and comfort we both know we could give each other.
His eyes automatically flutter down to my lips, briefly – a move I unintentionally copy after his eyes return to gaze at mine. I meet his eyes again and gaze back. I know he wants to kiss me and he's wondering if I'm going to kiss him. But I also know he won't kiss me because he still believes that he doesn't deserve me after Mexico.
Jack
We gaze at each other - both longing for something more. I can't help wondering if she really knows how much I love her – that I'd do anything for her. I find my eyes flickering down to her lips briefly and it's a move she matches straight after. I think she wants to kiss me – actually, I know she does and I want to kiss her too – more than anything in this moment, but I'm unable to let go of my guilt and it stops me.
And David bloody Canon stops her.
"Get a room."