I Could Say So Much…
#It's nothing, it's so normal,
You just stand there, I could say so much.
But I don't go there cos I don't want to. #
You look at me with your stone grey eyes, and I hate every part of you.
I hate the way you make me feel about myself; how angry I am at myself for ever feeling anything that wasn't hatred towards you.
You join in with the others, pointing, and laughing at me as your fellow housemates knock the books out of my hands, and you even spit on the ground next to me as I scramble to regain my things.
I can't look at you. You make me sick the way you can be so different.
And you all go to walk away, but you hover for a moment, and I see in your eyes that there was, if even just for a moment, a flicker of guilt.
I see in your eyes a place that not even you are sure of; a place that not even God knows exists. But I do. I know. You let me in for a moment, just long enough to drag me back to the beginning.
It's happened sometimes; a moment's settled, and hovered, and remained, for much more than a moment. And sound stopped, and movement stopped, for much, much more than a moment.
And then the moment was gone.
You walk away, and I'm left alone, confused, with nothing but the dust on my fingers and the scars on my soul to let me know that what just happened was real.
Why do you do this to me? Why can't you just walk away from it all; leave me alone?
I'm left again with the hatred I felt back in first year, but back then I hated you for being a pure-blooded snooty bastard; now I hate you for very different reasons.
I hate you for making me fall in love with you so bad.
I hate you for breaking my heart.
I see you and your friends disappear round the corner, and slowly I pick myself up off the dusty floor.
I slowly make my way up to the Gryffindor Tower, where I find an owl waiting at my window.
It's from you.
You want me to meet you tonight at the Astronomy tower. Why must you do this to me? If you left me alone, I'd be able to cope. I could get on and have a life, without wondering what it is you are doing at that very same moment. If you're thinking about me… the way I'm thinking about you.
At midnight, I meet you. I hate you right then, because even after you sent me that message to meet you, you called me a mudblood and walked away with your friends again.
I open the door quietly, and let it close behind me. It does not slam, but it loud enough to be heard.
You stand there looking so fucking perfect. Your soft sweet skin: pale in the moonlight.
I want to talk to you; tell you how I feel about all this, but you turn from the window to face me, and my throat turns dry.
I don't want this: you and me, alone. I don't want it because I know that whatever you want from me, I won't be able to say no. You never force anything to happen, but it's just that I am so weak when I see your pale pink lips, and when you speak so softly…
But I cannot. Not this time. I won't let you do this to me again. I can't. I hate you, and yet love you for all the wrong reasons, and I need to get away from the pain you cause me.
You speak to me; your words are soft, and my heart begins to melt at the sound of your voice.
You want to know how I am.
Well how do you think I fucking am? You treat me like shit all day, everyday, but behind closed doors, only when no one else can see or hear, you turn around to become the person that makes me want to die. I want to die because I can't be with this person all the time; because this person doesn't want to be with me all the time; only when it suits you.
I fucking hate every bone in your body; every word that leaves you mouth; every muscle that moves.
But you know this already, or at least you should. And deep inside, I never want this to end.
So, I shrug mildly, and answer.
"I'm alright, I guess, Draco. How are you?"
Your soft lips move into mine, and they melt into one. We melt into one. You walk me back so that I'm against the wall, and your lips move down to my neck.
I moan as your tongue tickles my neck, and your hands work up my legs until they're under my skirt, and between my thighs.
I feel you grow hard against me, and our bodies press intimately close.
I lose all self control and give into you, because what difference will one more night make? It can do no harm in the long run to spend one more night together.
You manage to remove my blouse and unclasp my bra before I can even realise what is happening, and your tongue moves skilfully over my breasts. You seem to delight in the taste of my skin, and I love every second of it.
You move your fingers up into my knickers, and you tease me, letting me be pleasured for a moment, before you leave again, and make me ache for your touch.
My mind regains some thought, and I move my fingers effortlessly to unbutton your shirt, unzip your trousers. They drop to your feet and your hard shaft moves closer to me, separated by the grey material of your boxers, which you stealthily remove.
You lift me up so that my legs wrap around your waist, but you don't allow yourself to move into me yet.
The hollowness inside me needs filling. I need you, and as I grow wet for you, your skilled tongue continues to run over me. I forget all reasoning for not wanting this. Why would anyone deny themselves of this pure ecstasy?
I edge for some friction against you, bucking my hips forward and running my hands over your torso. Your skin is so soft and smooth under my hot, clammy hands.
You grow harder, and moan from the friction and as my tongue takes control over your long body, you move into me, seeking a release and needing to come.
We rhythmically move against each other. I am dripping down our thighs, but still I can't come. I am aching for more. You move further into me. My nails dig into your soft pale skin around your waist, just above where my legs straddle you.
My breasts move against your torso in time to your cock moving into me. I cannot stand the ache of needing to come, so we move more violently.
Not long afterwards, we lay on the cold stone floor next to each other; naked, and soaking up the coolness from the floor. Our bodies remain entwined, sweaty and hot, moist and burning for each other.
You ask once more if I'm okay. You tell me I seem quiet; if there's something playing on my mind; if there's something I want to talk about.
And the answer is yes.
Once again I'm lost in a world of aching and paining for real life to leave me alone. I want to be able to tell you how I've been feeling; how I've pained to have you. Not like how I just did- a quick fuck against the wall in the astronomy tower, but really have you.
I want to tell you that I love you.
But I can't, because it would become too complicated. It would become more than what we intended it to be. It would become real, and that's what we agreed it never could be.
So, I resign myself, tell you that I'm fine; that there's nothing to tell.
"Well, as long as you're sure, babe." You reply with no real concern.
Then you stand up, pull on your clothes, and leave with one last kiss.
Then I'm left, once again. I sit on the cold floor.
I love you so much.
I hate you.
I need you.
I lie back down, pulling my robes around me, and I cry.