Chapter One: Alone With My Thoughts

Teyla sat there still, staring blankly into the operating room below her. Keller's nurses had finally let her out of recovery and Ronon and Rodney had helped her make it to here. She just couldn't take sitting there in that room any longer, oblivious to what was happening. She tried to block her mind of all of the worst-case-scenario thoughts that continued to plague her mind, but was failing miserably. She closed her eyes in an effort to hold back the tears that had been building up as she kept wondering if this was all her fault. Over and over again she played back the events that had come to be over the past day. Michael, the baby, the hive ship, the darts, Kanaan's death... Yes, Teyla could not help but blame herself for what had happened already and what she knew may happen to the man laying on the operating table before her, the man who had not only saved her, but also her newborn sons life.

Rodney was exhausted, to say the least. Every bone in his body ached but he couldn't let himself rest, not while so much was still hanging in the air, fate yet to choose its path. He had decided it would be best if he left Teyla alone with her thoughts for a bit. He saw no harm in it really considering Ronon was waiting outside of the door. With all of the stress, both physical and emotional, that Teyla was undergoing right now, Rodney was surprised she was still standing, or at least sitting down in a chair. As soon as Keller's nurses would allow it Teyla had Ronon and him help her out of bed into a wheelchair so she could head down the hallway and wait there watching. She wasn't ready to be walking about on her own just yet so she reluctantly settled for the chair. Rodney didn't protest her demands, though he knew it would be best if she stayed in bed a while longer; He understood how she felt, wanting to be there in the observing room, as he himself had been making frequent trips between there and Teyla's side earlier.

As he made his way down the hallways of the city he avoided the eyes of others at all costs. He just didn't want to face everyone right now with their questioning eyes and curious looks. All he wanted to do was talk with a nurse or hell, even Keller, and find out how much longer this agony had to continue. Call it overconfidence or just him being naive, but Rodney was certain that this agony ending terribly with the loss of yet another life was out of the question… well at least he kept convincing himself that it was.

It had been over seven hours, coming up on eight now actually, since Keller had taken Sheppard into the OR. Ronon sat outside of the observing room where he new Teyla was. He tried staying in there for a while, but seeing all of it play out before him had become just too much for him too see. For the three hours he had been in there, he saw his best friend slip away not once, but twice. At least while he was out here in the hall he didn't have to know if such an event had occurred again or not, he could sit there telling himself, fooling himself, that everything was going to be fine –even if it wasn't.

Keller stood there, operating on the patient's leg before her. Just over two hours ago they had managed to stop the internal bleeding caused by the shots Colonel Sheppard had taken in his chest, but it seemed there was much more damage than just that. As a doctor she did her best to stay positive and look forward to the upside of how things could go, but this time she couldn't kid herself into being so sure that she was going to be able to save this patient this time when they first brought him in. When they had brought Sheppard in earlier she stayed as professional and as determined as possible but as the extent of his injuries unraveled before her she was surprised that he still had a pulse by the time his team and the others had gotten him back to Atlantis.

His courage amazed her. If it were not for Sheppard there would be no way that Teyla and her son would have ever survived or have made it back to Atlantis. Keller hadn't had much time to get the full details of what had happened back on the hive ship, but all she knew was that while covering Teyla and her son he had taken two shots to the chest from Michaels hybrids and another to his knee. He had run out of ammunition in his P-90 but did his best with his sidearm to fend the hybrids off for just those few more seconds to ensure Teyla and her son made it to safety. Despite the severe hits he had taken Sheppard had gotten himself around the corner fast enough to have Ronon help get him the rest of the way to the jumper that was awaiting them in the dart bay.

She was coming close to finishing with the surgery and Sheppard seemed to be stable for the time being but now whether or not he was gong to be waking up anytime soon was the real question at hand. After all he's done to help his team, particularly Teyla and her baby; it seemed that if Colonel Sheppard didn't make it through this, it would be a cruel form of divine punishment from the universe. It just wouldn't be fair.

Teyla felt a wave of relief wash over her as she saw that the surgery was finally over. John was still holding on and as soon as she stepped away she saw Keller look up to her with a reassuring smile. Before she could begin to move to meet Ronon or Rodney to inform them, Rodney came bursting through the door.

"They're, uh, finished in the OR now, they're about to bring him to recovery. It'll be a while before we can go see him but Jennifer said that she wanted to talk to you."

Teyla worried as soon as she heard this. Why would Keller need to talk to her? Had something gone terribly wrong? Had she really misread the look on the doctors face just moments ago? "Yes, of course," Teyla forced out, trying her best to mask the worry in her voice.

"She can meet us down the hall in the nursery if you wanted to head over and see the little one," Rodney said trying to sound assuring with a smile. "I just went to talk to one of the nurses and found that other doctor, you know doctor, uh…. Well you know… but anyways they said that the baby's fine and all of the tests checked out okay. Your son's perfectly healthy."

"That is wonderful news," Teyla said, happy to hear this. With everything that had been going on it was so nice to hear something was going to right way. It was just hours before John and the others had come to her rescue that she had given birth to her son. Michael was so tied up with the attack from Earth's ships, as well as overconfident that he was the stronger side, that Teyla had managed to keep he baby safe from him until the team arrived. In fact, it was Kanaan that had helped her protect their son for so long.

"Hey, are you ready?" Ronon asked as he entered to room finding Teyla and Rodney. Seeing that she was just about to prepare to leave Ronon waited for no answer, and just walked over to her side, helping her along before even being asked. Ronon saw the worry that was covering her every expression and just wished there was more that he could do to help her through this. With the prospect of finally being able to see her son, here alive, safe and well in Atlantis, Ronon hoped this would help to ease Teyla's mind. She had already been through so much, and now with the fate of Sheppard hanging in the balance still, enough was just enough.

"Ronon, I am fine –I can get myself," Teyla began protesting, but helplessly gave up when she quickly realized there was no point in it. Like it or not Ronon and even Rodney were both going to be hovering for the next while.

The crossed the corridor, just down the hall and entered a rather quiet section of the infirmary. As soon as the doors opened Teyla could see her son –her beautiful baby boy. Finally, she could hold him again safe in her arms. She was still sore, but to her it did not matter, right now the only thing on her mind was the young one in front of her. It almost seemed surreal.

When they entered a nearby nurse quickly began to prepare the baby boy to be placed in the arms of his mother. "Welcome back Teyla," she said as she passed over the young boy to his mother. "He's so beautiful," she commented. "And he looks much more at ease now that you're here."

Though Teyla could not be sure just how true it was that her son was now at ease, she certainly knew that she was now at ease. Finally, she was free from Michael. She had been saved, rescued from the depths of hell. She knew John would come. It saddened her that Kanaan would never be able to know his son and that his son would never know him, but she tried her best to suppress those thoughts. Right now, her son and the fact that he was safe was all that mattered –he was finally at home. She stared in awe at this newborn child who was so cozily wrapped in a soft white blanket, his small little dark hair pushed to one side of his head unevenly while his little fist rested by his rosy cheeks.

Teyla sat there, holding her baby, lost in her thoughts as she stared down at him, when Rodney interrupted the silence, feeling the overwhelming need to say something. "So, uh… got a name yet?" Rodney asked innocently.

A name –of course. Teyla had put some thought into it before and was always so sure she'd name her son after her father, Tagan, but had never come to a firm decision. But, as she looked down and thought about the events that had recently unraveled, and who she had been helplessly watching over for the past couple hours and then the name became clear to her. She had spent hours watching Keller operate on the man that had risked everything, and may still lose his life, all because he was saving her, in particular the little baby boy before her. Something inside her told her that there was no other logical choice to name her son, at least not in this case.

The same nurse who had handed the baby to Teyla just minutes before stood by, hearing Dr. McKay asked this question, so walked over to ask politely, "So darling, have you decided on a name yet?"

Teyla continued staring down at her son for a moment, then looked up with a smile –one of the first in a very long time- and answered, "Yes, I do."

"Oh really?" Rodney piped up in surprise. "Already?"

"So?" Ronon asked, waiting. He was interested to know what she had decided upon.

"Canaan," Teyla said simply. "Canaan John Emmagan is going to be his name," she said smiling.

Rodney and Ronon stood there unsure what to say. Ronon was not quite as surprised as Rodney seemed to be by the choice of John. To be perfectly honest he somewhat suspected it as a possible choice. "It's a beautiful name," the nurse said. "Would you like me to get the spelling of it now, or later?"

Teyla had known all about the ways of Earth when it came to newborns as Rodney and John had informed her months ago. "Now is fine," she said. She spelt out John logically, after explaining Canaan, and making sure pronunciation was correct. "It's Cane-nin, spelt C,A,N,A,A,N."

"Who is that after?" Ronon inquired. He knew it was much different than the boy's father, Kanaan, pronounced, ke-non, so his interest grew.

"My grandfather and my uncle. It is a name that is common to my family so I thought it appropriate," she explained.

"Has a nice ring," Rodney added.

Teyla smiled at his comment and then turned her attention back to her son. He did look rather peaceful as he slept there in her arms. Moments later though, Teyla's mind wandered back to the other man of which her son was now named after –John.

"He'll love it you know," Ronon said reassuringly. "He'll be gloating about it in no time."

Teyla forced a smile and tried to convince herself of the same idea. She hoped that Ronon was right.

TBC

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