Title: 1020 Seconds
Fandom: The O.C.
Author: Femslashqueen
Rating: R
Pairing:
Kirsten/Sandy
Archive: Ask me first
Spoilers: The Ties That
Bind
Disclaimer: Sadly The O.C. isn't mine
A/N:
Enough with the fluffy crap, time for some seriously heavy angst,
rated for language and discussion of abortion, I know that the
situation presented in this story seems a little outlandish but I
could see this having happened
The silence is deafening.
Sandy is sleeping... in the pool house.
For the fifth night in a row.
She stares at the glowing green numbers of the alarm clock on Sandy's bedside table, 2:00, 2:01, 2:02, 2:03... the minutes seem to last an eternity.
The phone rings again, she knows who it is, Ryan, trying, wanting, needing to give an apology she is not yet ready to accept.
She lets the phone ring out.
She knows it was an accident, Theresa had told Ryan about the abortion, Ryan had told Sandy, accidentally, Ryan had assumed that Sandy knew, he didn't.
It plays over and over in her head like a fucking broken record, years later the old scarred wounds have been violently torn open, this time she doubts they will ever heal.
He had come home that night, after Ryan had told him, assuming, assuming that the baby was Jimmy's, assuming that she was young, afraid, alone, assuming he now understood exactly what Ryan meant to her.
The minutes tick by, 2:04, 2:05, 2:06.
That is what Sandy does, he assumes, jumps to conclusions, he thinks he knows how to read her, he hasn't got a fucking clue.
She had listened to him tell her that he knew about the abortion, that he understood why she had to do it, why she needed to do it, how she must have been young and scared and alone.
She had listened to him, didn't say a word, didn't move, didn't show any emotion.
She had let him finish and simply shook her head.
He had looked at her confused.
She had stared dead ahead for what felt like forever before simply saying her voice devoid of any emotion, "The baby was yours."
She was still staring dead ahead but she could see his face crumple in the mirror on the opposite wall.
"What?" he had finally stuttered.
"The baby was yours." She repeated her stony demeanor beginning to crack, "I wasn't a stupid teenager, I was 25." Her eyes were sparkling with unshed tears.
There was an uneasy silence.
Then Sandy exploded, he leapt off the couch backing away from her, his eyes were on fire in that moment as he tried to absorb what he had just been told.
"Why?" he finally asked, he tried to keep his voice steady.
She felt faint, she couldn't breath, she couldn't speak, she couldn't move.
"Why?" this time he was screaming.
"I was scared, you were never around, my mom was dying, I could barely cope with Seth, I couldn't do it, I had never been so alone, you were pissed at me." She was at this moment a hysterical, hyperventilating, sobbing mess.
"I don't fucking understand." He had said his voice cracking, he turned around, walked out to the pool house, he hadn't said a word to her since.
The clock only seems to be slowing down, 2:07, 2:08, 2:09.
The phone rings again, she picks it up and slams it down, "Fuck." She screams punching her pillow in frustration.
2:10 she needs to get out of this room.
She needs a drink.
She gets out of bed, she is wearing nothing other than a black slip, it is cold but she is too numb to care.
She walks down the stairs, she fucking hates this, her emotions make no sense to her anymore, she fucking hates losing control.
She pours a shot of scotch she doesn't even want or like and throws it back with a single gulp, out of nowhere she feels a surge of overwhelming anger, it doesn't take much creative visualization for the glass in her hand to turn into Ryan's head she throws it against the wall at close range, it predictably shatters into a million tiny shards.
2:11 the anger turns into overwhelming guilt and remorse.
She falls to her knees into the glass shards, the glass pierces her skin, draws blood, for a second she feels nothing but relief, sobbing uncontrollably, she is more distraught now than she was in the days following the abortion, in the days following her mothers death, in the days following Ryan's departure, she has lost everything.
2:12 Sandy has crept quietly into the kitchen, in need of water and sleeping pills, he gasps at the scene before him, his wife is on her knees surrounded by the remains of an shattered glass, she is weeping, he can't understand it, he wants to hate her today, it was his child that she aborted, it was his child who he never even knew about but he can't stand to see her so broken.
He treads carefully through the glass to her, he picks her up she fights him, tries to bite his hand, screams "Leave me alone!"
He doesn't give in to her, he can't.
She eventually gives in, goes flaccid in his arms, he carries her to their bedroom, lays her on the bed.
The phone rings again, he ignores it, Kirsten is going to have to face Ryan on her own terms in her own time.
2:15 She is still sobbing, she has lost all control and yet on some level she feels more secure than she has in days because he is with her, maybe for the first time all she really needs is for someone else to take control for her, for somebody, anybody but her to fix things.
2:17 Exhausted she closes her eyes, Sandy watches her, he will probably never forgive her for her choice, he'll certainly never understand it not to mention that she is more fucked up right now than she has ever been but for the first time in five days he thinks that maybe they can survive this.