It's a Monday when he convinces himself to fall for Imogen. He's working out kinks in the play and she's staring at him from afar dreamily. He grits his teeth to avoid barking at her that he doesn't appreciate being analyzed but he knows that's not what she's really doing. She's really admiring him, unable to see past his skin deep appearance, unable to see the scars that he truly has inside.
And it's not like she ever will.
He isn't in love with her. Hell, he isn't even sure he likes her, but this might make things easier. It might get his creative side working again, it might get him out of his slump, and deep down, he wishes, almost prays that it will help him get over her.
So, on that faithful Monday in drama class, he asks her out to Little Miss Steaks and she eagerly accepts. They begin dating shortly after that. It isn't perfect though, and somewhere, deep in his beaten heart he knows that, and it begins killing him. But still, he tries to fall for her. He really, really does try. He tries to tell himself that Imogen is amazing, and she is. She's smart, creative, and the near perfect muse he needs. Near perfect.
But when he stares into her eyes at Little Miss Steaks, his heart cracks a little bit when he realizes that they're an excited brown. Her eyes were brown.
Not blue.
. . .
It's a Tuesday when he asks out the waitress from the Dot. He knows that she has been dropping hints at him all month, yet he refuses to address them. He's too busy throwing around ideas for a novel he hopes will be published, once he finishes his senior year and starts off on his own. Writing has become easier. Not as easy as it was long ago, in Ms. Dawes's classroom, when she was helping him, but easier than it was at the beginning of the year.
He asks the waitress to sit down and enjoy the cup of coffee she's just brought out, as well as his company. She tells him her name, Cassandra, and talks about how she's trying to earn some extra money to make ends meet and support her sick mother and two younger brothers. Eli knows he should care, and he wishes he did, but somehow, he can't. The coffee visit doesn't last long, as Cassandra tells him she has to get back to work, but would love to see him again. They exchange numbers and she tells him to call anytime, though he highly doubts he will. She winks at him and goes off to serve other customers.
Despite his better judgment, he calls her later that night, telling her that there is a concert he would love to take her to, and he knows he is lying. Adam declined already and he just
doesn't want to be alone, because when alone, she creeps back into his thoughts. That is the real reason he asks Cassandra. She says yes quickly, just as Imogen had a year before.
They go to the concert, but when he brings her home and she tries to kiss him, he pulls away. He pulls away because deep in his corrupted little soul, he knows this is wrong, and the only way it would possibly be right is if Cassandra's name was slightly different, and her eyes weren't hazel. But, her eyes were Hazel.
Not blue.
. . .
It's a Wednesday when he asks the girl at the local book store to go see a movie with him. She takes in his appearance, before skeptically saying yes. He takes her to see a horror movie, something with zombies, and she clings to his arm and hides in his chest the entire time. Eli can't help but roll his eyes at this standard, teenage cliché. However, he knows this is not the real reason as to why he is upset. He is upset because book store girl's hair is too long and too straight, so when she buries her face in his shoulder, he can't pretend that it's really her burying her face in him, even if it's just for a moment. He takes book store girl home early, and never goes back to her workplace, just in case she tries to talk to him about a second date. He doesn't want a second date. He never does. Because when book store girl removed her face from Eli's military jacket, even in the dim lighting he could see her emerald green eyes. She has emerald green eyes.
Not blue.
. . .
It's a Thursday and he's in his second year of college when he asks the girl in his creative writing class to peer edit his paper, ignoring his overwhelming sense of deja vu. She shyly suggests that maybe they could go to the library where she could edit his paper in peace and quiet, and then out to lunch afterwards. He nods, but only because he doesn't want to disappoint her. He is sick of disappointing people. He doesn't want to disappoint Adam with his non-existent love life, he doesn't want to disappoint CeCe and Bullfrog with his perfect grades, but imperfect mind and imperfect everything, and now he doesn't want to disappoint the girl in his creative writing class.
So, he goes to lunch with her, and afterwards, he calls his parents and lets them know that he is doing fine, and nothing is wrong, and other bullshit lies and such. He hates lying to his parents of all people, however lying has become a second nature to him and he doesn't think he can stop. Afterwards, he texts Adam and lets him know everything about his date. Adam is excited and asks what she looks like, and Eli dully responds that she has blonde hair and she has one green eye, and one brown. Eli leaves out the fact that he was twice as disappointed this time. Why? Because her eyes were brown and green.
Not blue.
. . .
It's a Friday when he brings a random girl from a party home with him. Exams have just finished and his drunken roommate suggested he pick one of the party girls up, have a good time for once. Instead of saying no, Eli downs another beer and walks up to one of them, ignoring his roommate's cheering. He chooses the one with brown hair that falls to her shoulders and the raised eyebrows. Through his drunken haze, he notes the fact that she looks a bit like Julia, and he wants to laugh and congratulate himself at thinking of any other girl except for his blue eyed beauty, even if it is his dead ex-girlfriend. They skip the small talk and go straight to shoving each other's tongues down their throats. Eli isn't here for small talk. He isn't here for a connection. He merely wants to fuck this random girl, with only one hope. To get Clare out of his system entirely.
So, he brings her to his apartment and they make love, if that's what you'd like to call it. Eli doesn't. To make love you need to feel love, and Eli hasn't felt anything in three years. They lay together in bed afterwards and Eli feels incredibly guilty when the girl says "We should go out for real sometime." And smiles a genuine smile. She runs her fingers along Eli's chest and he wants to push her away, just as he has done to everyone that has tried to help him in the past. The girl closes her eyes for a moment, and when they open, Eli sees an odd shade of purple. Color contacts. Eli doesn't bother to ask what color her eyes really are because he knows it wouldn't make a difference. No matter how blue her eyes might really be, no matter how similar to Clare's, those eyes will never be attached to the face he has seen countless times in his memories, dreams, and nightmares. The girl lying in his bed has purple eyes. Purple.
Not blue.
. . .
It's Saturday and a week before his college graduation that he visits his parents back in Toronto. They exchange smiles and laughter, and this is the best Eli has felt in ages, so he stays the night. But the moment he hits his old bed, he breaks down. He sobs for what seems like hours over everything. Over his lack of contact with Adam. Over his inability to love, or feel anything good for that matter. But especially over the girl that caused it all.
CeCe must have heard him crying because she cautiously enters into his room. She lays a hand on his back and instead of saying anything, she just remains silent and lets him cry. She does not utter a word until he cries himself dry, because everything she has said over the course of four years has done no use whatsoever. Her boy is broken. And she is horrified that she can't help him.
When Eli finally stops crying, he sits up on his bed and looks at his mother, embarrassed and ashamed that she has to see him like this. But CeCe doesn't seem to mind. She merely smiles and kisses the top of his head and tells him she loves him. This causes Eli to break down again. His mother holds him this time, rocking him back and forth like a child because it is the only thing she can possibly do to comfort him. Through the blur of his tears, he recognizes his mother's face. Her eyes are the same shade of green as his, and Eli would give anything at that moment to see the blue eyes he has longed to stare at and get lost in for hours on end. To be held by the same girl that held him in her home, and said that he was stuck with him. But he knows that it will never be like that ever again. Instead, he is here, being rocked like a little kid by his mommy. CeCe's eyes are green, like his.
Not blue.
. . .
It's a Sunday morning when he realizes he will never truly be over Clare Edwards. He is in a pew at the nearest church when he comes to this conclusion. He never thought he would be here, but since all logical sources of hope have failed, he decides to give this ago. But instead of a new found confidence boost, or amnesia to forget the best and worst time in his life, God decides to shock him with this realization:
That he will forever and always be in love with Clare. Nothing will change that.
He'll never forget her, no matter how hard he tries. He'll never forget the way she laughs, the way she understood him, or those fucking blue eyes. He'll never forget any of that.
A few people notice him sitting alone and whisper to each other. They recognize him. They recognize him as the author of "Blue Eyes", his novel that became an international bestseller. They recognize him as the twenty-one year old man who told the story of a broken boy, who fell in love, but along the way, became even more broken than he was before. The story of a young boy, who fell in love when he was never supposed to. He fell in love with an amazing girl he didn't deserve to have, and that was why he lost her in the end. A girl who had a beautiful laugh, understood him, and had the most incredible blue eyes. She had blue eyes.
Blue.