Wonder Woman 1984, The Fake Script
[SPOILER ALERT: May contain spoilers for the movie "Wonder Woman 1984" due to shared comic source material.]
Nighttime, pitch black, the distant roar of a crowd…a few random drum beats punctuate the starry sky as a rock group gets ready for their next song. As the camera flies in, we see the oval of a stadium lit up for a night concert. Suddenly the song comes to life with a sizzling drum riff; the guitar kicks in, and it's "Been A Long Time Since I Rock and Rolled!"
Posters around the stadium indicate we're at a Led Zeppelin reunion tour (which happened in 1985, but let's say it's 1984).
A haze of smoke wafts above the packed audience, and in the shadows we see the ethereal figure of an ancient Cheetah spirit, prowling slowly around the stadium, looking for someone to inhabit. It's been a long time.
It's been a long time since I rock and rolled.
It's been a long time since I did the Stroll.
Oh let me get it back, let me get it back, let me get it back,
baby where I come from.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
been a long lonely lonely lonely lonely lonely time!
The cheetah spirit makes its way through the dazed masses, looking, sniffing, twitching its ears to find just the right one.
It's been a long time since the book of love.
I can't count the tears of a life with no love.
Carry me back, carry me back, carry me back,
baby, where I come from.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time!
The cheetah spirit spots a figure highlighted in the moonlight; could this be the one?
Seems so long since we walked in the moonlight.
Making vows that just can't work right.
The figure opens her arms to the music.
Open your arms, opens your arms, open your arms,
baby, let my love come running in.
And the cheetah spirit leaps in to possess her; it is Barbara Ann Minerva. She smiles a cheshire smile with a bit of fang showing, and she doesn't even know that Cheetah is within her.
It's been a long time, been a long time,
been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time!
*Cut to morning, an alarm clock, Diana Prince reaches over sleepily to silence it. A cat pounces on her, startling the audience. It is just Diana's cat, and it slinks away.
DP (Diana Prince): Steve, come back. Steve, come to me. (calling the cat)
DP looks at the empty spot next to her in the bed, runs her hand on the vacant sheet, and sighs.
DP: Steve… (the cat hops up on the bed and DP lifts it to her face) I love you Stevie, yes I do, yes I do… (cat meows and wiggles out of DP's grasp and scampers away).
DP: (half to herself, half to the cat) What do you think Steve; do you think we should get a roommate? It's been a long time since there was life around here. A long lonely time...
*cut to Diana jogging in the morning air, she comes upon a group of joggers and overtakes them rather quickly.
LEAD JOGGER: Keep the pace. Keep the pace everybody.
DP passes the leader and is soon solo again.
LEAD JOGGER: She's gonna burn out. Ignore her.
*cut to Diana eating breakfast alone at a diner. She looks out the window and sees a college campus, students walking, full of life on an overcast morning… She flips her paper placemat over and starts drawing a flyer with an available red crayon.
*cut to Diana pinning her flyer to the college kiosk board. "ROOMMATE WANTED" etc. And she walks away, down the sidewalk, alone.
*Scene, Barbara Ann Minerva's kitchen, same morning. She is getting breakfast for her four dobermanns, and herself. We hear her daughter from offscreen.
DAUGHTER: How was the concert last night, Mom?
BA (Barbara Ann): Incredible. It brought back memories. There's nothing like a Led Zep concert.
DAUGHTER: Nobody listens to them anymore, Mom. Were they all old people like you?
Cheetah takes offense and snarls. Note, Cheetah comes and goes in Barbara Ann, kind of like Smeagol/Gollum. Barbara is oblivious to anything Cheetah does through her. Cheetah is still in human form at this point in the story, and does not yet take on a full-fledged feline form.
DAUGHTER: What was that?
BA: What was what?
DAUGHTER (still offscreen in the next room): It sounded like a, snarl.
CH (Cheetah): Heh! (then CH spots BA's bowl of cereal and sticks her face in it, lapping up the milk)
DAUGHTER: Mom?
BA: Yes? (BA notices the milk on her face and does a double take, but immediately CH takes over again.)
CH licks her wrists and hands. The dogs give her the eye. CH spots the dogs' bowl of water on the floor, and gets down on all fours to lap it up as well. The four dogs come face to face with her, growling.
CH: Heh! (snickers, and swats the face of one of the dogs; they pounce on her. Dog/cat fight ensues)
CH bats the dogs around the kitchen, sending them flying, biting their heads off etc until they are all dead. BA stands in the middle of the kitchen with carnage all around.
Daughter rushes into the doorway.
DAUGHTER: Mom? (crying) Mom! Are you alright? What happened?
BA: What happened? (a bit dazed and confused, looks around, bewildered)
DAUGHTER: Did they attack you?
BA: No. …I don't think so.
DAUGHTER: Did you do this?
BA: (in shock) No, I would never...
CH: (taking over, and cutting off BA) I did it. Heh!
DAUGHTER: (horrified at the alter ego) Who are *you*?
CH: Heh… (doesn't know what to do, decides to solve the awkward situation by eliminating the daughter with one swat. Fade to black.)
*Scene: At the mall, Diana is shopping alone, or just wandering, alone. She comes to a standstill in front of a wall of television sets playing current shows. She pays them little attention, and focuses on her own reflection in the reflective wall of screen. She sees her face, and contemplates her own melancholy. Then, in the reflection, walks Steve Trevor, dressed in modern clothes. He stands there, and DP frowns slightly, staring at him in the reflection, wondering if she is seeing things, or what. Steve walks away, and DP whirls around to spot him directly, but he is not to be seen.
DP rushes to the entrance of this store in the mall, and looks out at the mall goers milling about the walkway, trying to spot the figure she saw. She looks left, then right, not sure of her bearings due to the mirrored reflection she was looking at. She makes bold to cry out.
DP: Steve!
Several male mall goers look at her, responding to their name. DP excuses herself without a word; she picks a direction and hurries through the mall goers, looking for Steve Trevor.
She overtakes a man or two in a similar leather jacket, but they are not him. Then she sees him, standing alone, looking rather lost.
DP: STEVE! (DP runs and embraces him like a long lost love she has found after three-score years)
ST: Diana? (Steve is somewhat disoriented)
DP: Is this a dream? (she holds his face in her fingers) Are you a dream?
ST: I don't know. Where are we?
DP justs holds him tightly, not ready to deal with the irrationalities just yet. If it's a dream, she wants at least one good hug out of it.
ST: (would prefer some answers, to hugs) What are we doing here?
DP: (Looks him in the eye) I don't know. But I'm glad you're here. (and that's all the answer she can give)
ST: (embraces DP and shares in the moment, letting all the questions wait, while the two lost souls cling to each other for refuge)
*cut to Cheetah walking the city streets. At this point Cheetah is still in human form, but takes over Barbara Ann's body in cat-like mannerisms.
Cheetah sees some leopard skin outfits in the store window and wants one. She enters the mall.
*cut to a shopper in the store holding a leopard skin outfit up to herself, for size. Cheetah stands next to her, eyeing the outfit. The shopper says,
SHOPPER: What you lookin' at?
CH: (swipes the outfit out of the shopper's hand with one swipe)
SHOPPER: (mad) You did *not* just take that dress from me! (and grabs it back)
CH: (grabs it back)
SHOPPER: Give me that! (and they struggle over the merchandise)
CH: (sinks her teeth into the outfit and rips it out of the shopper's hand. We hear the cloth tear in the process)
SHOPPER: Are you crazy, girl? (starts hitting Cheetah with her pocketbook)
Cheetah runs away on all fours with the outfit in her mouth. She takes refuge in a changing stall.
*cut back to ST and DP embracing.
ST: You're the only thing I recognize. The only thing that makes sense.
DP: You don't make any sense at all, and I don't care. I just want you here.
ST: Where am I, Diana?
DP: (separating a bit, she takes his hands in hers) You're with me. And that's all that matters.
*cut to Cheetah, slinking through the mall in her leopard skin outfit. Cat-like, she hops up on the railing (second floor) and walks along it, to the dismay of the on-lookers.
GUY: Hey lady, get down from there. It's not safe!
But Cheetah leaps onto a rope suspended across the chasm, and scampers across the advertising banner to the other side.
*cut to ST and DP
ST: Everything looks so strange.
DP: (a small laugh) It's just the style. You'll get used to it.
ST: What am I wearing? (grabs the fanny pack) What's this? (spots Cheetah scampering around the mall) What's that?
DP: It's a fanny pack. I'll explain later.
ST: No, the cat, the - the woman.
DP: (not looking in the direction of Cheetah, has no idea what ST is talking about) It's a cat, Steve. Try to remain calm.
ST: It's a woman.
DP: There are lots of people. Come on, let's go some place quiet.
DP ushers ST along, heading out of the mall. ST keeps looking back at Cheetah's antics. Cheetah, on all fours, rubs her bum against a pillar.
ST: She's…peeing on a wall.
DP: Cats mark their territory. She ought to be neutered.
ST: Spayed.
DP: Right.
ST: Girls are spayed; boys are neutered.
DP cheerfully hails a taxi while a worried Steve follows close behind.
DP takes ST's arm for a moment as they wait for the taxi to pull up.
DP: (with a twinkle in her eye) I'm not spayed.
ST: You're not a cat.
And they get in the taxi.
*Scene: the Cold War subplot. Shadowy Russians conspire in a shadowy room.
BOSS: (sliding a black and white photo of President Reagan across the table) You see this man? He has one objective - to destroy Communism.
KGB GUY: We know, boss.
BOSS: I want him dead.
KGB GUY: We know, boss, but every time -
BOSS: - a girl gets in the way.
KGB: A woman.
BOSS: I keep hearing about this woman, but I never see her. Maybe she's just an excuse for your incompetence.
KGB: Our..?
BOSS: I want him dead, I want her dead, I want them both dead, dead, dead. Do you understand?
KGB: Yes boss.
*Scene: DP and ST in the peace and quiet of the Natural History Museum. They sit on a little bench in front of an exhibit. The museum is practically deserted today.
DP: Do you remember anything?
ST: ...no.
DP: Do you remember flying in a plane?
ST: I flew in lots of planes.
DP: Do you remember a plane… blowing up? (she gets a little choked up)
ST: ...yeah.
DP: And then?
ST tries to think back, when suddenly DP's pager goes off.
DP: For heaven's sakes… (she checks the page).
ST: What's that?
DP: The worst invention ever. Can you believe it? I have to go.
ST: Where?
DP: To work. The Smithsonian - it's just around the corner. This shouldn't take long. I'll be back in a minute. Stay here. We'll go to lunch. Promise, you won't disappear on me. Maybe I should take you.
ST: I'll be here.
DP hugs him.
DP: I love you. Don't go away…again. (starting to get choked up)
ST: I'll be here.
DP rushes off, and ST looks around, abandoned.
*cut to Barbara Ann standing motionless among stuffed gazelles, giraffes, and lions. She starts to cry very quietly at first, and then it wracks her whole body.
ST: Are you ok? (approaching her)
BA: (shakes her head 'no')
ST: What's wrong? (putting his hand on her shoulder)
BA: I…I think I'm going mad.
ST: There, there.
BA: Did you ever find yourself somewhere, and not know how you got there?
ST: Maybe.
BA: I don't know where I've been all day. My dogs died. (she weeps bitterly) I think I killed them. (she can hardly say it)
ST: (shares her grief. Then he thinks he might recognize her) Were you…at the mall?
BA: They kicked me out. I was wearing a ridiculous outfit. I don't even have clothes like that. I bought these, and something led me here. It…feels familiar. It smells like home. Not really, but somehow… I don't know. I'm not myself. There's someone in me. (looks at ST for understanding) Does that sound crazy?
ST: uh… I've seen and heard much crazier things.
BA leans into ST and he puts his arm around her shoulders.
BA: I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt anyone. (a bit of silence as BA's eyes wander around the exhibit) All the gazelles in here are making me hungry. Will you accompany me to lunch?
ST: I'm supposed to meet someone (checks watch) an hour ago.
BA: There's a cafe here. It'll be fine.
ST: You wouldn't believe how hungry I am, like I'm going to pass out if I don't eat soon.
BA: I've been passing out all day. Hours without consciousness. (recalling something from the morning. Very seriously) I think I killed my daughter. (starts to cry bitterly)
ST embraces BA and holds her as long as she needs. Until DP taps him on the shoulder.
DP: Steve? Ready to go? (assumes ST is having some trouble)
ST: Diana, this is the cat-lady. (doing the introductions)
DP: Nice to meet you. (not inclined to give BA the time of day. To ST) I found a great place for lunch.
ST: There's a cafeteria here.
DP: (ushering ST away) I'm sure there is.
CH gives DP a nasty look which neither DP nor ST sees.
ST: Cat-lady and I,
BA: Barbara. Barbara Ann. Minerva.
ST: She and I are having lunch here. Would you like to join us?
DP: (stung) Steve. I wanted to talk to you. We have a lot to talk about (and then to BA) alone.
BA: (reading the situation) I'm sorry. Thanks, Steve. I'll manage.
ST: We're all going to eat here. (to DP in a whisper) She needs help.
DP: More than you?
ST: About equal.
DP: I find that hard to believe.
ST: Trust me.
DP: I can't imagine. (ST looks at DP, and she decides to yield) OK Steve. I'll trust you.
DP takes BA's arm as the three walk along to the museum's cafe.
DP: (to BA, with sympathy, trying to be helpful) Are we having some trouble today?
BA: I'd rather not talk about it, right now.
DP: Thanks for joining us.
BA: Thanks for letting me come along. You're very kind.
DP: You're very welcome.
BA: I'll try not to say anything.
DP is puzzled.
BA: It's better that way.
DP: Not at all. (disagreeing)
ST: Trust her; it's better that way. For now, at least. Maybe later.
*cut to the cafe, a dimly lit bar/grill. A waitress is taking their order.
DP: I'll have the foofoo sushi.
ST: I'll take the whole menu. Just kidding. I am so hungry. The prime rib.
BA: I'd just like a small salad.
CH: (taking over BA for a second) And a steak.
WAITRESS: How would you like that.
BA: With oil and vinegar, please.
WAITRESS: The steak?
CH: Raw.
WAITRESS: We can't serve it raw, I'm afraid, but I'll have the chef just put it on for a second. It's usually fine.
CH: (scowls a bit)
WAITRESS: It'll be quite raw, believe me. I'm sure you'll like it. (exit Waitress)
BA: I know I'm intruding.
DP: Please.
BA: Sorry I ruined your lunch date. You two are such a sweet couple. Have you known each other long?
ST: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we go,
DP: - way back.
ST: We go way back.
BA: Five, ten years?
DP: Seems like more.
ST: Fifty, sixty…
BA: Ha! You're not over forty.
ST: It depends on how you count it.
BA: And you, Miss, can't be 30.
DP: I've been 29 for quite some time.
BA: Tell me how you met.
ST: You wouldn't want to know. It's a long story.
BA: Oh please.
DP: He was in the air force,
ST: And she was in an army,
BA: A military romance!
ST: Sure, that's,
DP: You could say that.
BA: (to DP) I love your accent. Where are you from?
DP: I'm,
ST: She's
DP: It's a small island, you've probably never heard of,
ST: and very hard to find.
DP: In the Aegean.
BA: Near Greece?
ST: A stone's throw.
DP: You could hit Greece with an arrow.
(They laugh.)
ST: Not really.
DP: Really.
ST: (to BA) Why don't you tell us about yourself?
BA: It's just me and my daughter and our dogs. (she blocks out everything to keep her composure for the present) I'm an archeologist by trade. An unemployed archeologist for now.
(The waitress returns with their food.)
DP: That was quick.
WAITRESS: It's raw, Ma'am; there's not a lot of cooking. (serves DP her sushi)
BA: I could never eat raw food. 'Gives me the cooties.
WAITRESS: Your salad, Ma'am. (serving BA)
DP: (to BA) You ordered your steak raw.
BA: Ha! That would be funny!
WAITRESS: And your steak. (serving BA)
BA looks at the raw steak gravely; she knows what must have happened.
WAITRESS: It was only on the grill for a second. Like, literally a second. Will that be ok, Ma'am?
BA: (gravely) Please take it away. And don't bring me another.
WAITRESS: (taking the plate away) I'm sorry, Ma'am. That's usually fine for our raw customers.
CH: Leave it.
WAITRESS: (a little freaked out by the sudden change in voice and demeanor) Of course. (sets plate back down. Then, to ST) Sir, yours is still cooking; it'll be out in a minute. (and she hastily withdraws)
CH: (looks at DP, looks at ST, somewhat uncomfortable) Heh. (begins licking the raw steak. Licking, licking, licking)
DP looks over at ST with a very serious expression.
DP: (to CH, in measured tones) And, why don't you tell us about yourself.
CH sinks her teeth into the meat, tosses her head up, and chomps it all down in one piece.
DP: Can you tell us your name?
CH: Cheetah.
DP: And where are you from, Cheetah?
Cheetah begins cleaning her face with her wrists, and licking them.
CH: Urzkartaga.
DP: And what are you doing here?
CH: (burps) Whatever I want.
DP: Maybe you would like to go back to Urzka-
CH: Maybe you'd like to leave my territory.
DP: Your territory? The museum? The mall? The city? What's your territory?
CH: If I see you, you're in it.
Waitress comes back with ST's food. She serves it and withdraws.
ST: At last!
DP: We're leaving. (stands up)
ST: Five minutes. (knife and fork in hand)
DP: We're going, *now*.
ST: You can't believe how hungry I am.
DP pulls ST away from the table.
ST: I haven't eaten in 50 years!
CH slams down her paw on the table, pinning ST's cuff to the table. And yes, it is a massive cheetah paw this time, with huge claws pinning the leather jacket.
CH: He stays.
DP continues to pull ST away from the table, not realizing ST's hand is literally pinned to the table.
DP: He comes with me.
CH: He stays with me.
DP: (yanking on ST's arm) He's mine!
CH: (snarling) He's mine!
DP: (puts her face right in front of CH's face) Now listen here, kitty: I've waited fifty years to talk to this man, and I'm going to talk to him. *Alone*.
CH: I've waited centuries to walk the earth again, and I'm not going to let you spoil it.
Waitress reappears, making the rounds.
WAITRESS: How is everything? Ok?
ST: It smells heavenly. I can't wait to eat it.
DP lets go of ST. The waitress moves on. CH keeps her paw on ST's wrist.
ST: (to DP) I know this sounds a little funny, but how about you go ahead, while I finish up here with, uh, Barbara,
CH: Cheetah!
ST: with Cheetah, and…
DP frowns at ST.
ST: and, maybe you can change your clothes or something, and,
DP: Humph. Change of clothes indeed. (and she walks away determinedly)
ST: (sits back down, looks at CH, looks at his plate) Finally!
CH looks affectionately at ST, starts purring loudly.
ST eats his food with gusto, while CH become increasingly affectionate. She comes over to his side of the table and begins rubbing her face onto his arm.
ST: Woah there tiger.
CH takes her paws and starts kneading ST's chest.
ST: Hey, let me finish. (and he puts the last fork full in his mouth) So good!
CH licks ST's plate. Then she looks at him affectionately. Then she starts licking his face.
Then Wonder Woman busts in from the glass ceiling, and lassos CH and pulls her to her, face to face.
WW: Bad kitty! (and WW throws CH across the cafe, smashing all kinds of stuff. CH gets up, taking on her full feline form)
WW vs CH brawl ensues. CH has the upper hand at first, in her feline form. Then WW starts using her lasso like a lion tamer's whip, which keeps CH on the run. CH grabs the end of the lasso, and there is some tug of war, with the two combatants coming closer as WW reels CH in. In the end WW is face to face with CH.
WW: Get out of my territory. (and she throws CH out the broken glass ceiling and halfway across the city)
WW: (dusting herself off. Tosses hair, and says to ST, straight into the camera) How was lunch? (and she smiles)
(Continues in Chapter 2)