The Spider and the Dobe

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

Early morning- Uchiha Sasuke's residence

Ring! Ring! Ring!

"WHAT!" Sasuke answered in a grouchy tone.

"Well good morning to you too, princess." Tobi said sarcastically.

"What do you want, Tobi?"

"Tobi thought you might want to know that Naruto is in the hospital."

"Huh? Why is he in the hospital?"

Tobi was quiet for a few seconds.

"I didn't do it." Sasuke chimed in.

"Tobi didn't do it either. Tobi's a good boy."

Sasuke sighs, "Just tell me what happened, Tobi."

"You see there was this… um… this monster. This thing was the size of a watermelon sitting right on top of his head."

"A monster? Watermelon?" Sasuke was utterly confused.

"Tobi thought you should know. It's bad, it's real bad. But Tobi didn't do it. Remember that."

Sasuke could hear Gaara in the background. "Tobi what kind of lies are you telling Sasuke?"

Tobi yells back. "Tobi says mind your business!"

All of a sudden Sasuke begins to get a searing migraine.

"Tobi, I'll just go visit him in the hospital. Thanks for calling."

"Sure anyt-" Sasuke hangs up on Tobi mid-sentence.

"Tobi don't like him much." Tobi said as he cheerfully went on his merry way.

Konoha Hospital- Later that day

"Naruto, what the hell happened to your head?"

"Tobi happened that's what." Naruto pouted. "And not just Tobi. Gaara and Matsuri are just as guilty."

"Tobi?" Sasuke sighed "What did he trick them into now?"

"It all started when…"

Naruto's apartment- Earlier that day

Gaara and Naruto are playing Mass Effect 3 when Tobi and Matsuri get back from shopping. Tobi enters the house first and lets out a shocked yet terrified gasp, dropping the shopping bags and grabbing Matsuri's arm.

"Oh! For the love of Bambi!"

Naruto looks up from the game, a look of utter confusion on his face.

"What? Dude, what is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Matsuri looked at Tobi, confusion on her face. "Huh?"

Tobi pointed at Naruto's head as Matsuri's eyes followed Tobi's finger. Matsuri let out a gasp, cupping her hand over her mouth. Gaara looks at the two like they've lost their minds. Then he silently looks toward Naruto. Gaara jumps a little and silently points to Naruto's head.

"D—don't move. Sit very still." Tobi demanded in a low tone.

"Listen to him, Naruto." Matsuri whispered.

"Wha… I don't get it." Naruto was clueless.

Tobi slowly removed his shoe and began to creep toward Naruto.

"Just stay very still. Tobi'll make it all go away."

Naruto stared at Tobi with a WTF look on his face. "Huh?"

"TOBI SMASH!" Tobi squealed as he began hitting Naruto in the head with said shoe.

"Die! Die! Die!" Tobi shouted.

Naruto was on the ground trying his best to protect himself from the sudden onslaught.

"Oh no." Matsuri yelled "It's not dead." Then her eyes brightened as she was hit with a brilliant idea. "I've got it!" She proclaimed as she rummaged through the shopping bags, pulling out an aerosol spray can "This'll do it!" She said gleefully as she began spraying a defenseless Naruto.

"Ah! My eyes! What the hell, Matsuri? Are you trying to kill me?" Naruto screeched.

"Just sit still." Matsuri demanded

"Baby girl, this isn't working. Tobi thinks we need a new plan." Tobi said while continuing to wail on Naruto.

"How about this?" Gaara chimed in, holding a baseball bat.

"PERFECT!" The other two said in unison.

"WHAT!? No way! Stop it guys, seriously." Naruto begged. "Whatever I did… I apologize. Just tell me how to fix it."

Naruto's words went unheard as Tobi stopped mid swing and began singing "It's too late to apologize… it's too late…"

"Really Tobi?" Naruto asked, unbelieving as Tobi smacked him with the shoe to shut him up.

Gaara took this as an opening to swing with the bat, hitting Naruto square on the head. "Missed." Gaara said in a disappointed tone.

"It's over there!" Tobi squealed, hitting the floor and table with his shoe.

"Get it!" Matsuri demanded.

"Oh I'll get it. It's as good as dead." Gaara boasted.

30 minutes later…

"That monster is slicker than Tobi!" Tobi exclaimed. "Tobi's tired. I needs my naps." Tobi collapses in a seemingly narcoleptic state, snoring loudly.

"Anything that can survive all that destruction deserves to live." Gaara stated.

Tobi's head pops up, fully awake. "Destruction?"

"Geez guys, the house is a wreck!" Matsuri exclaimed.

Tobi and Gaara slowly took in the destruction surrounding them. Tables were broken, glass was everywhere. The couch was in pieces, most of the appliances and random furniture were destroyed. It looked like London at the end of Mass Effect 3.

"Aww…" Gaara said in a sympathetic tone.

"Tobi's a good boy. Tobi didn't do it." Tobi defended himself frantically.

"I'm sure Naruto will understand." Matsuri said in her usual uplifting tone.

"Sure." Said Gaara, sarcastically. "He'll love the fact that we trashed the place… not to mention the fact that the monster spider got away."

"Well I guess we'll have to make it up to him." Matsuri suggested.

Tobi and Gaara just shrugged.

"Hey, where is Naruto anyway?" Gaara asked just noticing his friend was nowhere to be found.

In unison they all turn to see Naruto lying on the floor, twitching.

"Tobi thinks we should call 911."

"Yeah." Matsuri agreed.

The ambulance arrived shortly thereafter and Naruto was hospitalized overnight with a concussion.

"I woke up here. I swear I think they tried to kill me."

"I'm sure they didn't mean to." Sasuke stated "They were only trying to help."

"I don't need that kind of help." Naruto huffed.

Sasuke just shrugged. "Well I'm gonna go. I'll be back to get you when you're released."

Sasuke froze and stared at Naruto, slowly pulling off his shoe. "Naruto don't move."

"Not you too! HELP!" Naruto yelled.

"Stop squirming! What the hell? Do you have an entire spider nest in your hair!?"

"Stop it. Sasuke, that hurts!"

"Stay still dammit!"

"What is it with you Uchiha's and shoes!? UGH!"

"We work with what we've got, now stay still!" Sasuke demanded.

"HELP! Nurse Help!"

"I'm getting you an exterminator after this."

"Not funny! NURSE!"

~END~