I would to thank my beta Anomalylady who translated my fic in English.
"Let you heart speak before it is too late… Before the bitter taste of regret haunts you for the rest of your days and is to blame for your insanity."
"TELL HIM"
He parked the Impala, stepped out, slowly yet surely making his way towards the back of the car… He opened the trunk, face blank, devoid of all emotion and pulled out a shovel… He stared at the headstone a few meters to his right… The muscles in his face tensing. He raised his eyes to the sky, the sun was at its peak, maybe he should wait but that's what he'd always done and looks where that had gotten him. He didn't have choice, no choice to be had really, he had to know…
He removed his light jacket and threw it in the trunk which in left open and ahead out slowly.
.
He stared at the dark stone… The earth was still lose, the headstone leaned to the side… It had been laid too soon, because of the rush, because of grief… To never come back here again…
Never.
But he couldn't cope with it… Despite the pain he felt, despite this pressure which suffocated him with each night, nights which grew shorter in an attempt to avoid the nightmares haunting his slumber… Even haunting his waking hours, persistent hallucinations of what was which he refused to see.
.
He broke ground with the shovel but paused mid strike… He had done this so many times… It had become such a habit that he never gave a second thought about desecrating his resting place…
But this, this was different; he would dig to find out…
He pressed the shovel in with his boot and flung aside the first mound of dirt… He dug without thinking, like an automaton, sweat ran done his back… He straightened up… Everything was going too fast… He slowed down, he was now below ground level, hip deep in this hole and only a few centimeters from him.
.
He kept on digging and suddenly a smell turned his stomach, he pressed himself on the side of dirt wall. The smell of death, of putrefaction…
The smell of the truth he refused to admit… To confront…
He felt sitting, hugging his knees to his chest all the while holding on to the shovel like a safety line to keep himself from losing being overcome by the heart ache.
.
He stayed this way for several minutes then kneeled and pulled Ruby's knife from his belt and slammed it between the wooden planks of the coffin… He was nauseous… When the plank broke, a rancid breath of air caught in his throat, he vomited off to the side of the opening.
He let the putrid gases and disgusting smell drift out and finally leaned in…
The evidence stared him the face, a moment of silence and he howled his hopelessness, he held his knees, his head sinking between them, squeezed tightly between his knees.
There were no other sounds aside from this cry of pain which killed all other traces of life in the area… Once it stopped, there was only silence, heavy, weighed, culpable…
The irremediable loss…
He cried there for a long time… Remembering… He began to hate himself like never before, despite that he had done so in the past to the point of wanting to die.
Eventually he crawled out of the hole, eyes red and puffy from sadness… He delicately recovered the coffin, replaced the headstone… He squeezed his fits on top of it out of rage and hope… He threw the shovel back in the trunk leaving his coat behind.
He left without looking back at the grave of this ghost which never ceased to pursue him…
To haunt his life…
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wwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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He stopped at the first bar he crossed on the road… The sun would soon set, giving way to the moon. From day to night.
He sat at the bar without a word.
He felt is phone vibrate, having turned off the volume… He pulled it out… He looked at the message, expression blank, absent… Sam…
He wrote a few words and put it back in his pocket… He wouldn't answer again tonight…
.
The barman, a Mexican tattooed up to his neck gave him a long look…
He approach and put a beer down in front of him.
"On the house."
"I can pay." His voice cracked, broken by the screams and tears.
"You can pay the next one… This one is to start you off on forgetting the girl that broke you."
He didn't bother correcting the barman that he wasn't because of woman that he wanted to get drunk.
He closed his eyes, a long while and smiled… He saw him there at his side, head to the side as was his habit.
His throat tightened, it hurt so much he was unable to breathe. He squeezed the bottle in his hands to keep himself from collapsing there, forehead against the bar… The bar on which he wanted to bang his head against until it exploded.
.
"Need some company, handsome?" The voice came from a woman with a Hispanic accent.
"Fuck off."
"Lolita could help you forget your sadness." Putting a hand on his shoulder. He rose furious, his seat falling to the ground.
"I said fuck off! I don't want to forget… Never!" He pushed her back violently and ahead for the exit. Everything swayed around him… And that smell wouldn't leave him… He felt as if death clung to his very skin.
A new travelling companion.
.
He caught himself on a table before losing his balance and fell into a chair facing an old woman dressed in black…
A Bruja…
.
She smiled at him, a light sneer pulling at the corner of her lips, her eyes studied with one of those looks which seemed to lay him bare.
"Death on you, I see." Her voice was gravely and distant.
He should have wanted to get up and flee… He knew too many women who could read your soul and then twist it but his own was already destroyed, it wouldn't make a difference… All there was left was a sliver for his brother, everything else had now disappeared in a never ending gulf.
She leaned in and grabbed his hand, he tried to yank it back but her grip was firm, almost inhuman.
"Who are you?"
"Who are you?" Her accent was thick. "Leave me alone!"
"The scent of death… You still smell it… It chases you… It will always be there… You abandoned him?"
"Let me go!" He growled.
"You hid your heart from him… Obscured… Why?"
"If you don't let me go right now, you crazy old broad… I'll put you down!"
"Remember." She breathed out into his face.
"Remember…"
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wwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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It was hot… Hot and mucky at that, it had been like this for days and it was starting to get on his nerves… Sam was sitting silent next to him… Starring at the house for hours…
"I'm sick of this… Let's get out of here, it's been three hours and nothing's going on."
"Castiel said to wait for him and not be seen."
"Screw him… He's not the roasting under 50 degrees."
"Remember, he gets just as warm as we do now."
Dean answered with a loud sigh.
"You should be nicer to him you know."
"Yeah, yeah… Promise I'll buy him something nice when he gets back."
"You're a real pain when you wanna be, Dean."
"What d'you want me to do?" He turned in his seat to face his brother.
"I don't know… Be more indulgent, you treat him like dirt… He's your friend after all…"
"Was." Dean whispered.
"What are you mad at him for this time? What'd he do?"
"Nothing… It's just, I'm hot, I want a cold shower and cold beer… I'm sick of all this."
"All of what exactly?" Sam asked despite knowing where this was headed.
"All of this… The angels, demons… I feel like we'll never see the end of it… For better or worse."
"It's what he told you that's bothering you isn't it? Dean, it's been more than four months now… Is this why you refuse to be left alone with him?"
"Damn it, Sammy… You do realise he told me he loved me… Shit, I'm not gay!"
"As far as I know, he didn't ask you to love him back…"
"I would've preferred it if it kept it to himself." Dean grumbled.
"Kept what? That fact that he's always acted out of love… The fact that he had be completely human to be able to put words to what he was feeling… It was obvious to everyone how he felt about you and you knew it!" Dean said nothing, instead turning back to the house they were watching.
"How do you feel about him?"
"Not love that's for sure." Dean laughed defensively. "I love women and that'll never change."
"It's not what I meant."
"I like him, fine." Dean finally admitted. "He's saved my life more the once… We're linked… He's funny too with the way he's always offbeat." He smiled tenderly. "… He's got so much courage… I admire him in a way… It took guts to face off against all of Paradise… Okay it's true he screwed it up too and not just a little…"
"But you've always forgiven him everything." Sam added.
"I do the same for you and I told him that…" Dean whispered.
"Really?" Sam smiled.
"Listen Sammy… You're my brother and I might adore you… But that's not the issue here… I don't love Castiel, end of story… He's just a friend, nothing more."
There was a short pause.
"I can't… I can't any longer."
"Because he told you he loves you."
"Yes."
And because I love him too, thought Dean.
.
He felt ashamed, he was disgusted by his attraction to Castiel. An angel… A man… He hated that he wanted him as soon as he felt his warmth near him… He hated the feeling of needing him at his side… It made him nauseous every time he would wake up after those scabrous nights. He loved women, he could never love a man… The more he felt attracted to him, the more he rejected him and the more Castiel clung on, convinced of being the cause of Dean's unease and wanting to correct the wrong he felt, wrongly, he had done.
It was the case but not the way Castiel thought it was… Dean was rejecting his desire not the angel turned man, but that, Castiel didn't understand… Despaired by the situation, he had ended up shouting out love and Dean had thrown him out.
Sam was the one to reconcile them, and from Hunts turned road trip, they were able to tolerate each other but their friendship had never returned to what it had been or what they thought they had been to one another. Sam was the mediator and it seemed to work, for a while… Dean accepted to once again work with Castiel who had returned to the severe and distant behavior of his early days… The hurt was killing him… Sam could see it… Dean could feel it… But nothing was ever said… Everything was stifling… Their love was all the more obvious to everyone's eyes, except Dean's…
.
Castiel had phoned, to warn them that he would arrive in a few hours… Dean got annoyed and told him they were heading back to their motel for a shower and would come back after dark. Sam said nothing but his disapproval showed…
When they came back a few hours later, the house was aflame… Dean panicked and ran out…
"CAS…CAS!" But he didn't answer. Dean swung an angry fist through the air, "He just couldn't wait, dumb ass!"
They parked a few streets away, to wait out the fire fighters… Said them ended up finding the bodies of a woman and man who had been caught in their sleep but had managed to save a six year old girl. Dean approached the scene carefully to get a good look at the child and their eyes met… He knew then who she was, he knew it was her; the fire… He knew the moment her eyes lit up that she was a fallen angel and this whole thing had been nothing but a trap…
A trap for Castiel… An act of vengeance.
"Cas." Dean whispered.
"Soon, you'll no longer have an angel at your side." The child whispered as she was brought into the ambulance, faking a pained look.
Dean returned to the Motel immediately… Castiel knew the address… Sam remained quiet… For months now, he brother and Castiel had been playing at ignoring each other and now, Sam knew it was simply too late… Too late for Dean…
Because Castiel, he, he'd had the time to admit his love.
Dean ran to the room… He was there, standing in front of the door, he must have knocked and waited for someone to answer.
"Cas." Dean's voice was firm and dry despite the fact that there was only one thing he wanted to do, to explode with joy as he held him in his arms.
"Dean… I didn't see you… I came here, I thought you hadn't left yet!"
"I told you we'd meet there… What the hell are you doing here?" He shoved him away so he could open the door.
"It was a trap." Castiel face fell.
"I know… I came across this little pest with an Angelique look."
"It's Erael… She's loyal to Raphael." He followed Dean… Sam closed the door behind him.
"I thought you'd killed them all?" Dean asked.
"Apparently not." Castiel said with a sad smile.
"Well… We can move on to something else and get the hell outta here… Mexico, it's over for me."
"But Dean, what about Erael? She's killing innocents."
"So? You want me to waste a kid, is that it? … You want her dead, do the dirty work yourself… You're used to it, it shouldn't bother you." Dean opened the fridge and pulled out a beer.
Sam gave Castiel a compassionate look but he was hurt, again, by Dean's words… Hurtful just for the sake of causing pain… So the angel would run away and he would no longer feel the need to hold him, consumed by the desire of the body which knotted his guts… But the more he chased him away, the more Castiel tried to better and the worse it got.
Sam couldn't take the tension which only seemed to grow between the two people he cherished the most.
"Why do you hate me, Dean?" Castiel sat on the bed.
Sam noticed how Castiel nervously readjusted his trench coat despite how warm he obviously was if the sweat gathered on his brow was anything to go by.
"I don't hate you…"
"Is it because I told you I loved you?"
"Don't go back to that, Cas… It'll end badly again."
"I'm not asking that you love me back… Being at your side is enough for me."
"Look, it pisses me off, if you have to know…"
"What?"
"Having to be around a guy who wants my ass, it pisses me off." Dean emptied his beer, looking Castiel right in the eyes.
"Dean." His voice begging.
"Listen, Cas… We have to figure it out… It's impossible like that… I can't do it."
"You… You… You don't want me in your life?" Castiel paled.
"Take it however you want but when we get back to the bunker… I'll call Garth and ask him to find you a place to stay… You can always Hunt with him if you want?"
"But I want to be with you, Dean… I want to Hunt with you." Castiel insisted.
"Yeah but me, I can't, Cas." Dean placed the bottle down. "I tried but I just can't anymore… Sorry."
"Dean." He frowned.
"Castiel?" Sam asked, worried.
"Dean." He stood.
"What now?" Dean turned furious.
He saw the panels from the trench coat open… Castiel was trying in vain to hold back his intestines.
He watched them both then watched Dean.
"I don't think you'll have to wait until the bunker." He crumbled to the floor, face down.
"CAS… SHIT!" Dean threw himself towards Castiel and gently turned him over… His blue eye fixed to the ceiling, lifeless.
"Shit… Don't do this to me." He tried to feel a pulse. "Cas, my angel… Don't do this to me."
.
Dean had just chased him from his life when Castiel had come to him, dying, hoping for one word that would set him free. He'd just killed him a second time.
.
Dean cried a little and then silence… He stood.
"We're gonna bury near the border."
"Dean?" Sam said in surprise.
"We can't burry him too deep, so he can get out."
"Dean… What are you doing to do?"
"I'll be back." He left the room.
Sam followed him.
"You're not going to do something stupid? You know Cas, I'll never forgive himself and he'll die to save you."
"There's no way he'll die… Castiel will never die."
"Yes, Dean… He was human, he's already dead." Sam's voice wavered.
"NO!" Dean shouted.
Sam tried to catch up but Dean struck him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.
"Go bury him… It could take me a while with my history."
He turned the ignition and Sam began to cry.
.
At the cross roads, Dean summoned a demon but no one showed up…
He tried summoning again and again no one came until a young girl appeared.
"Erael… You little bitch, I'm going to…" She raised her hand and pinned him in his spot.
"You'll do nothing…" She down to where Dean had buried the box. "No demon will come… Castiel had no soul but a grace."
"He was human."
"His soul was residual grace, that's why he was still Castiel… You have to accept it, Dean… He is dead and will never return… His grace his gone… He is part of the whole; he no longer has his own essence."
"No." With tears in eyes.
"You are feeling the pain I felt when he annihilated my family… I did nothing but apply divine justice."
Dean stared pleadingly at the child who stared back at him with the eyes of an adult…
"And now I can savor it a second time… You perverted Castiel, you turned him against us… You caused the deaths of my family… I know what your heart refused to show him… Cry for you lost love… Scream your un-confessed love… It is your turn to feel the most painful suffering… The memories… Those of this being who died believing the man he loved hated him, the man he sacrificed everything for."
She started to laugh and walked away, disappearing in the distance… Dean felt her divine hold fade, freeing him to move.
He crumbled to his knees and began to cry.
.
He came back to the Motel without saying a word… From the look on his face, Sam knew he had failed. Castiel was laid on the bed… He watched him for a long while, then leaned down over him and kissed him on forehead.
"I'm sorry, so sorry… Cas, forgive me" He picked him up and made his way to the door.
Sam got up quickly, opened the door and walked him to the car… Dean refused his help.
They gathered their things and left the Motel which was now synonymous for the end of the voyage for the Angel of Thursdays.
.
They buried him near the border… Dean refused all other solutions, persuaded deep inside himself that he would return, not caring about what Erael had said or his brother's certitudes.
.
They stayed near the border for a few days, Sam said nothing, he let Dean slowly accept that Castiel was never coming back and that he would have to live with the guilt which would eat away at him and eventually kill him.
He looked down; he had buried a part of Dean along with Castiel.
Two days later… Dean had a nightmare… He saw Castiel struggle in his casket and scream after him… And then the shadow of a little girl, clamping her small hand over his mouth and suffocating him little by little.
He woke startled, it was a sign, he was sure of it… He took the impala and crossed the border.
The smell of death clung to him.
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wwwwwwwwwwwwwww
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The old woman in black breathed again and Dean came back to himself, he was crying… From his soaked cheeks, he knew he had been since the first breath of the Bruja.
"Death is your companion now… Pain as well…"
"I just want to die… I'm so tired." He quietly admitted lowering his head. "I want to get him back… I can't live without him."
"God hears you, he has not abandoned you… His spirit his there, all around us… Me, Luz, tell you this." She leaned over the table and placed a cold hand on his cheek. "The father will be the son's echo."
"What?" He wiped the tears away and stared, incredulously, at the old lady.
"Open your heart…"
She stood and left the bar without looking back… By the time Dean realised it, he stood and made to follow her… He opened the door to find nothing… The road and nothing else…
Not so…
In the distance, a shadow lit by the moon, a chapel.
Dean made his way on foot… He reached it in a few minutes…
He opened the door and stopped… He didn't like churches, he didn't like God… But he loved him and for him, he had to try, if he could have back at his side, if only to known with he felt for him, since the first day, since Hell…
Since forever.
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He approached the central aisle… At the base of the wall, a Christ but surprisingly, this one wasn't crucified… It was a Christ seated to listened to sinners where a man would sit at his feet to confess.
Everything was strange in the churches atmosphere, even the candles seemed brighter than they should be.
"God… Father… Jesus… I don't know what to call you… I haven't talked to you in a long time… Since my mother… I only called ever called for you son, Father… The angel that you placed on my path, the angel that showed me what it was like to be loved and to die from sadness… The angel turned human like those creations, yours, for whom he had so much affection, for whom he sacrificed everything… The angel I love… I ask forgiveness for profaning the sacred walls but I had to tell you… I have to believe that through your voice, he can hear mine… Tell him that I always loved him and that I will always love him… Tell him I was stupid man, too proud of his virility, too proud of his small self to admit out loud all the feeling that have always haunted him… I love your son, Father… And even if you send me to Hell for this blasphemy, I'd like to believe that you will tell him my truth… I'm begging you, Father… Tell him… Tell him Dean loves him, loved him and will love him always."
He stayed on his knees feeling empty off all energy, in front of the alter, hands joined, staring at the Christ who seemed to return his look.
He eventually rose up and when he turned, he tripped…
A very familiar shadow.
"Cas?" He smiled amidst new tears, "Tell me I'm not dreaming?"
"Hello, Dean."
"Oh shit." He threw himself on Castiel, squeezed him tightly in his arms, wanting to melt in him. "It isn't a dream, I'm begging you… Tell me it isn't a dream."
"I'm real, Dean"
"I'll never let you away from me… I love you Cas… So much that I'd die if you left me again."
"I'll never leave you… I never did, Dean… I love you." He gently pulled them apart to look into Dean's face. "Don't hate me ever again." He begged with his eyes.
"I never hated you, Cas… I always loved you too much… Forgive me"
Castiel took Dean's face in his hands and pressed their lips together, sighed in relief, and hugged them back together.
"There's nothing to forgive since you love me as well." He smiled and turned his face to look at the other.
Dean answered by looking at him with a look filled with tenderness for the celestial being who loved the human he was… He leaned in on the lips of his angel for another kiss, this one deeper, to taste the other. Taste the desperate love…
A kiss under the benevolent watch of the Father.
.
Dean's body was found the next morning, laid at the foot of the alter… His heart had simply stopped beating.
There was a small smile at his lips… He looked at peace… Finally…
An old woman in black whom no one noticed, invisible to the eyes of the common mortal rested her hand on a young man and disappeared.
.
That morning, Sam woke with a start… Dean had come to say goodbye… He asked him to stop Hunting, to leave the bunker and live… To finally live for himself.
To find love and not make the same mistakes he had…
.
"Live my brother, be happy…
I'll look over you, always
I love you Sammy…
Don't forget it."
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The End
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AN: I hope this little OS pleased you… It's up to you to decide the end…
The Dean dream in his death, or did God, finally reunite them.
Hope you liked this OS and maybe I see you again on one of my other stories.
Thank you.